Chapter One
The name’s McFang. I find things for ponies who know how to find me. Sometimes it’s an object, sometimes it’s information. Whether or not they like what I find ain’t my concern.
It’s been pretty uneventful here recently, which means business ain’t exactly booming for someone in my profession. Of course, telling that to my debtors wouldn’t get me anywhere; if I'm reading their most recent letters right, they’ll be coming around for a “friendly chat” sooner than I’d like.
Enough about me, though. This is supposed to be about what happened on my last case. If nothing else, it was unique.
My assistant was out running errands when it all started. A good mare, if a little on the neurotic side. Still, she’s like family, so I keep her around. For a while, I had the place to myself, all peaceful and quiet-like. It was almost enough to make me relax. Of course, that was before my future client walked in like she owned the place.
I should’ve known when that little slip of a filly walked through my door that she’d bring trouble. She was a spot of color in my dingy office. Her yellow coat shimmered in the sunlight that filtered through the window, and her flowing red mane was topped off with a bow that practically radiated innocence. She wasn’t fooling me; no one who comes here is innocent. Something told me that this Apple wouldn’t keep the doctor away.
Still, I wasn’t about to turn down a case. The filly was the youngest daughter of the Apples, an affluent and powerful family who had controlling interests in nearly all aspects of the local agriculture scene. I guess if you control the food, you control the populace. Still, as far as land barons go, they were an okay sort in my book.
The filly’s presence in my office seemed to put a damper on that opinion. Apparently, some of their business practices were being kept hidden from her, and she wanted me to get down to the bottom of it. Whatever it was, it had her more than a little upset. Rich or poor, family always has a way of getting under your scales.
I decided against asking for half the bill upfront. Call me what you will, but I’ve always been a sucker for a dame in distress. After getting some details from her, I realized that my notebook and charming smile weren’t going to be enough to see me through this one. If I had to twist a hoof and ask pointed questions while doing it, I was going to need backup.
After sending the filly on her way, I paid a visit to my usual partners in crime. Luckily for me, their seasonal obligations had been fulfilled, and they were free to join me. After hashing out the details, we had a plan for digging in to this case. I just wish I had the sense to know when I’ve dug too deep.
-S. McFang, Private Investigator
~~~~~~~~
“Spike, where are you?”
The lavender unicorn glanced up from her desk and turned as she called out to her assistant. She scanned the room, checking for signs of the dragon. “Spike, I told you to stay here!”
“I am here, Twilight.” The sound of Spike’s voice so close to her ear caused the mare to squeak in surprise and whirl back to face her desk. Spike leaned against the desk and tapped a claw against it idly. “I’ve been standing here for a good fifteen minutes.”
Flustered and embarrassed, Twilight narrowed her eyes the young drake. “Don’t lie to me. I just looked there!”
Spike sighed and shook his head, his irritation plain on his face. “No, you didn’t. You called me in here earlier, said to stand right here, and then you forgot about me.” The drake pushed away from the desk and stretched. “So, what can your number one assistant do for you today?”
The mare frowned in consternation for a moment, before she decided that she should just continue. “I’ve triple-checked the checklists, and I think that they’re ready. Here is yours.” Twilight took a scroll from her desk and gave it to her assistant. “Now, I expect you to have these chores done by the time I get ba-- don’t roll your eyes at me, Spike!” She chastised the drake, who snapped to attention once he realized that he’d been caught.
“I know that we haven’t had much free time lately, but I need you focused. Now, once you’re done with this list, you’re free to do whatever you want.” She noticed his eyes light up with excitement. “Within reason,” she quickly added.
Spike’s demeanor dampened a bit at that, but he still retained his smile. “Don’t worry, Twi, I’ll have everything done when you get home. You can count on me.” His claw came up to his forehead in an enthusiastic salute.
Twilight smiled softly, pleased that Spike seemed to have found his focus once again. “I know, Spike. I always can.” She rose from her desk and planted a motherly kiss on the drake’s forehead, knowing it would irk him. She snickered as Spike grunted and began fiercely rubbing the affected spot. She made her way to the entrance of the library, her own checklist in tow. “I’ll be back before sundown. I left some bits on the counter in the kitchen, in case you want to grab something to eat in town. Love you, Spike.”
The drake pursed his lips and rolled his eyes again. “Love you too, Twilight.”
Twilight nodded and trotted out of the front door, turning her attention to the tasks she had to complete.
Spike lowered his eyelids in a deadpan expression. Why am I not surprised? He trudged over to the front door and closed it. “Now, let’s have a look at this list,” he said to himself, unrolling the scroll and grabbing a quill from a nearby shelf. “Receive checklist. Check. Close front door in case Twilight forgets.” He let out a surprised laugh. “At least she’s learning. Check. Pull all books pertaining to...”
~~~~~~~~
It had been an intense couple of hours, but Spike checked the last box on his list with a flourish. He had finished his chores list, and had beaten his personal record by thirteen minutes and five seconds. “Damn, I’m good,” he said under his breath. The young dragon sauntered over to the gramophone sitting on the end table in the living area. Kneeling down, he grabbed his favorite record from the shelf underneath the gramophone, Dreams in Noir.
Spike pulled the record from its jacket, and though there wasn’t a speck of dust to be found on the vinyl, he blew on it anyway. No reason to break tradition, he thought as he began to visualize the library as his office. He set the record gently into its resting spot and wound the gramophone up. He smiled as he set the needle into the groove of the record and smooth, dark jazz began to fill the room. He sauntered over to the desk and opened the drawer marked “Property of Mcfang.”
He pulled a well-worn fedora and a hip flask from the drawer. With loving care, he placed the fedora on his head and adjusted it until it was snug. Satisfied with the hat’s placement, he grabbed his flask and sat down, propping his feet up on the desk. He took a drink from his flask, shuddering as the whiskey bit his throat on the way down. In truth, it wasn’t whiskey so much as it was apple cider vinegar, but Spike thought it was the closest thing to whiskey he could find in the kitchen. “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” he said as he raised his flask in salute before taking another pull.
Spike sighed and relaxed in his chair, letting the smooth tones of the saxophone and piano overtake him. “Now all I need is a case,” he lamented.
“A case a’ what?”
Startled, Spike shot straight in his chair, dropping his flask on the ground in the process. Looking over to the source of the voice, he spotted Applebloom standing near the front door. Embarrassed at being caught off-guard, he stood from his chair and bent to grab his flask As he stood up, he tried to make his face a mask of stoicism, but couldn't prevent a hint of curiosity from showing.. Don’t give her nothing, Mcfang. “Don’t you know it’s rude to enter someone’s office without knocking first?”
The filly raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. “I didn’t know I had to knock on the door to th’ library, Spike. And since when do ya call this yer office?”
He shook his head and placed his flask on the desk. “Nevermind. How can I help you?”
Applebloom shifted her hooves around on the ground, biting her lip as she tried to figure out the best way to ask for what she wanted. “Do ya’ll have any books on... grown-ups?”
Despite his best efforts, Spike couldn’t hide the surprise from his expression. “Grown-ups? What do you mean?”
“Well, I just... I mean...” The filly huffed in frustration, her bow bouncing on the top of her head. “Maybe I should explain.”
“That would be a start, yes.”
Applebloom shot a glare at the young dragon. “Don’t sass me! My brother ‘n’ sis are acting mighty strange lately. I was hopin’ ya’ll would have a book or something that would help me understand why.”
At once, Spike’s investigative instincts flared to life. “Acting strange? Dark alleys at night strange, or singing show tunes in the shower strange?”
The farm filly blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what she had just heard. “Um, neither. They just ain’t talking to me much. They spend a lot of time in the barn, and won’t let me in. I tried climbin' in the hayloft, but Mac had th' door shut from the inside. Scootaloo helped me dig in from th' backside, but we couldn't get under th' foundation. Sweetie tried to open the lock for me, but... she sorta set it on fire. Even Granny Smith won’t tell me anything. She just says that what they’re doin’ don’t concern me.” The filly’s ears drooped as she locked her gaze on her hooves. “I’m startin’ to think they don’t want me around at all.”
Spike’s initial excitement over a potential case wore off quickly, replaced by sympathy and concern for his friend. He walked to her and placed his arms around her in a soft hug. “Don’t be silly, Applebloom. There’s got to be another reason for the secrecy.” He broke the embrace and took a step back, standing straight and tipping his fedora with a claw. “And I’m going to find out what it is. Consider me hired, at no charge.”
As Spike’s words sunk in, Applebloom’s smile grew into an ecstatic grin. “You mean it, Spike? You’ll help me? At... wait...” The young Apple’s grin faltered momentarily. “You charge?”
The drake smiled brightly. “Not this time. I can’t stand to see a pretty filly cry.” He grabbed his flask and set it back into the drawer, pulling out a notebook and pencil before he closed the drawer back up. “Head on home, I’m gonna get started.”
The filly bounced in place before charging Spike, wrapping him in a crushing hug and planting a kiss on his forehead. “Thank you, Spike! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help!” With that, she let him go and trotted out of the library happily.
Spike growled in annoyance as he adjusted his fedora back to where it needed to be. “What is it with mares kissing me on the forehead and leaving the door open today? I need to check my horoscope.”
~~~~~~~~
“Do it again, Snips!”
The colt rolled his eyes at his friend’s jubilance, but couldn’t help smiling. “Alright, but after this, we find something else to do.”
Snails grinned and crouched in anticipation. “Ah, okay, Snips. Promise.”
With that, Snips nodded, and dug his hoof into the ground. With a grunt, he pulled his hoof skyward, flinging soil and pebbles into the sky. Snails whooped and danced under the cascade, laughing cheerfully.
Spike walked up the hill toward his two friends, his confusion apparent. “Uh, hey guys. What are you up to?”
“Hi, Spike!” Snails said happily. “It’s summer vacation now! We’re playing ‘dirt,’ wanna join in?”
Snips huffed and shook his head. “We were playing ‘dirt,’ but you said that was the last time, Snails. It’s time to do something else.”
Snails lowered his ears and scraped at the ground with a hoof. “Right, Snips. I’m sorry.”
Snips laughed and patted his friend on the back, brushing dirt off of him as he went. “No worries, buddy. I had fun.” He looked over at Spike. “So, what are you up to?”
Spike shrugged, doing his best to be coy. “Oh, not much, fellas. Just about to go do something awesome, and I was wondering if you guys wanted to join me.”
Both colts perked their ears up at that.
“Something awesome? That sounds awesome!”
“Is it dirt?”
Spike laughed and shook his head. “It’s not dirt, Snails. It’s... a case.”
Snips cocked his head in confusion. “A case of what?”
Spike brought a claw to his forehead in exasperation. “For the love of-- gah! Just... listen, it’s a case, as in, a detective case. I need you guys as partners.”
The colts deflated a bit at that. “I dunno, Spike,” Snips said slowly, “snooping around usually leads to trouble. You remember the Gabby Gums incident?” Snails nodded emphatically at his friend’s words of warning.
Spike sighed. He thought they might be hesitant. Still, he had an ace in the hole. He looked at Snails squarely, careful to keep his voice neutral. “I understand guys. It’s just a shame, Snails. I figured that you’d want to help Applebloom out.”
Snails' second thoughts evaporated as quickly as they had come. “Applebloom?”
The drake fought to keep his expression stoic in light of his victory. I knew that would work. “Yeah, Applebloom’s really sad about something, so I offered to help her find what she’s looking for. I figured you’d want in on it, since she’ll be pretty happy with us when we find what we’re looking for.”
In an instant, Snails forgot all about the games he wanted to play. “I wanna help! What do I need to do?” He looked to his old friend and longtime playmate, hope brimming in his eyes. “You’ll help me help her, right, Snips?”
The shorter colt smiled wanly at his best friend. “Of course I will, Snails. I’m not gonna leave you hanging.” Snips walked closer to Spike as Snails danced around in happiness, and glared at the drake coldly. “Are we really going to be helping Applebloom?” He muttered under his breath. “You know Snails has a thing for her. If you lied just to get our help...”
Spike waved his claws in front of him defensively. “It’s all legit, man! You know I wouldn’t play around with Snails’ feelings like that. Just trust me on this one.”
The colt held his glare for a moment, before slowly nodding. “Alright. Where do we start?”
Snails stopped dancing and made his way to his friends. “Yeah, what do we need to find?” He asked enthusiastically.
Spike smiled and adjusted his fedora. “Alright boys, First things first, You’re going to need detective names.”
Both colts paused, lost in thought. Snips was the first to come up with a name. “I'll be Rowwsdower.”
Spike looked at the colt as though he had grown a second head. “Dude, I said a detective name. Mine is Mcfang. So, something like that.”
Snips bristled a bit at the drake’s tone. “What’s wrong with Rowwsdower?” He huffed. “Fine. How about... O’Briar?”
Spike nodded. “I like it. Where did you come up with it?”
“It’s my last name,” the colt explained. "It's Hayrish.”
“Oh... I didn't know that.” Spike turned to Snails, who was still deep in thought. “How about you, Snails? You think of one?”
At the sound of his name, Snails dropped his hoof to the ground and gave a resolute nod. “Call me Ishnael.”
Spike looked at Snips, who merely shrugged. “Ishnael... That, uh, works, I guess.” The drake conceded.
“Great, so we have our names. What now, Spi--er--McFang?” Snips asked.
Spike grinned and motioned for the colts to come closer. “Okay, boys. Here’s what we know so far.” He flipped the top of his notebook over and studied the scribblings written on the first page. “Applebloom is convinced that her brother and sister are hiding something in their barn on Sweet Apple Acres. She says that the barn is locked, and no matter how hard she tries, her siblings won’t let her in on the secret. Our job is to find out what they’ve got hidden, and why they’re keeping Applebloom out of it.”
Snails grinned as a solution to the problem popped into his head. “That’s easy! We just ask her brother and sister.”
Spike looked at the gangly colt with a raised eyebrow. “What makes you think they’ll tell us, Ishnael? They know we’re friends with Applebloom.”
Snails’ expression became contemplative once more. “You’re right.”
Snips raised a hoof in the air. “I say we have a look at the barn. It could be that we find a clue even if we can’t get inside.”
Spike clapped Snips on the back heartily. “Great minds think alike, O’Briar. I knew you guys wouldn’t let me down.” He tapped his notebook with a claw. “Well, what are we waiting for, gents? We’re burning daylight.”
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SNAILS!!!
ALL OF MY YES!!!!
Pretty good so far
This looks great!
This... I like it. More!
3037162 I'm glad you're likin' it! Snails is indeed a baws.
3037163>>3037324 Thank ya kindly, I'll do my best not to disappoint!
3037471 Apple cider vinegar already exists, my friend. It's very acidic, and is usually used in cooking. I wouldn't drink it straight.
3038193 I'm glad you're enjoying it! More is on it's way.
3045342 Snails is best pony IMO.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121227020310/mlp/images/0/07/Snails_eating_carrots_S01E18.png
3045342
Yeah... thats what the bottle said.
The opening certainly got me hooked. Solid, clever writing and some good laughs. Further in, though, my enthusiasm went tepid when Twilight started pretending to be Spike's mother and Spike started acting like a seven-year-old rather than his typically mature self on the show ("a grown-up word" ...are you kidding?). The cast is also putting me off a little; Spike doesn't hang out with any of these kids. His closest friends are mares with jobs; that's who he gets along with. It's well-written and entertaining, but the inaccurate characterization puts me on the fence about following it.
3062198
Heya Swashbucklist!
First off, thank you for leaving your thoughts. I understand your concern with characterization; namely Spike and his seeming immaturity. I do my damndest to follow the established personalities of main characters, or, at the very least, give a decent explanation regarding their changes.
In truth, this story is something that I am writing merely to blow off some steam. I am playing Spike's (hell, everyone's) personalities for laughs, while attempting to not stray too far away from their established character. It's why Twilight is acting the way she is toward Spike (though not canon per se, it still made sense to me that the mare who raised him would act as family would; if not mother, than big sister. I have an idea about tweaking that, actually.) It's also why Spike isn't as rational and verbose as he is in the show; it just doesn't jive with the silliness I have planned for this story. The same goes for his partners, as the ponies he would normally hang out with wouldn't go along with his plans.
I do, however, agree with you on the "adult word" line. I'll have to do something about that.
This is really just situational comedy. I understand if it rubs you the wrong way, and I'm just glad you gave it a shot, my friend.
Thank you again for your kind words and criticism both, and I hope you'll stick around for another chapter. Cheers!
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