The Warner Brothers
Joined 14th Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- LOLicorn · 2k words · 21 7 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.098 seconds
Total duration
625 users online
839,836 hits today, 1,892,089 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Anyone get the reference?
3011462
This is a pretty good start. I think your writing has improved, since your last story. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to provide you with a couple constructive things to consider so that you can improve even more:
Don't be afraid to slow things down a bit. I'll use the wedding as an example. You could show us how anxious Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are to get married. Or maybe only one of them is nervous. Show us their thoughts. Let us see what their feeling. What does Rainbow think when she looks at Fluttershy, and what does Fluttershy think when she Looks at Rainbow? Do they dance at the wedding? Do they meet with their friends? See, there is so much that you can do just with that scene alone. I know that you can do it!
Using descriptions. This is a tougher one, and something that I still have trouble with. Let's use Fluttershy's cottage as an example. Instead of just saying that they cuddled, why don't you show us? Tell us how soft Rainbow's fur is as Fluttershy snuggles closer to her. Maybe you could have Rainbow's heartbeat be a comforting thing to Fluttershy as she rests her head on Rainbow's chest. Just a thought, and as I said before, I can see your improvement with this story so your descriptions can only get better as you progress!
Again, I just want to say that you've made a pretty good start. I hope that my advice is helpful to you. I think that you have a lot of potential.
Also in the words of Captain America, 'I understood that reference.'
Would you by any chance be referencing a certain song, perhaps?
3012093
Dude you never cease I amaze me. I now see how I can slow down more. Thank you so much.
The funny thing is I'm listening to that song as I write this story. :3
3012151
Always happy to help.
It's a good song.
Updated the story a little bit.
3016486
This is definitely a huge improvement over the first version!
Also, that ending. While I'm not completely sure that Fluttershy would order her animal friends to kill the stallion, it did make me snicker a little as he met his demise. Ahh, karma. I do love me some karma.
Once again, good job.
3016486
This is definitely a huge improvement over the first version!
Also, that ending. While I'm not completely sure that Fluttershy would order her animal friends to kill the stallion, it did make me snicker a little as he met his demise. Ahh, karma. I do love me some karma.
Once again, good job.
3017471
Thanks. I was trying to be a little creative with the ending :3
3017477
I seriously thought that the stallion was going to kidnap Rainbow. I didn't see the bears coming.
3017493
Well it took me a little while to think about what was going to happen. I like putting twists in my stories :3
3017512
Twists are good. They keep people interested.
Didn't see that coming.
3019000
I am the 7th element, the element of surprise! But anyway thanks!
Amazing work never have I seen this done in this way doesn't make up for what you did but good none the less
3026405
Um… what did I do wrong D:!
But thanks for the possitive feedback!
I'm crying... Rainbow's death was heart wrenching :*/
3275389
Thanks for the awesome feedback
Don't take this the wrong way but, I like it when I make a story that makes someone cry. (Not in a bad way)
It makes me feel good that something I wrote makes someone cry because it's sad.
(Sorry if I bored you)
I died when I read this paragraph. xD