Sometimes it's Hard to see just what's your Destiny.

by JustAnotherBadSonicOC

The day Dashie nearly died and our bond grew stronger than before

\Pinkie Pie remembered that moment very clearly, the day she nearly lost Dashie. It all started when Herself and Rainbow Dash were walking through the Everfree forest. They were going to see their friend Zecora. To get something for Twilight, (Normal Pov)That’s when Pinkie Pie Said in awe, " Teeheehee! Big Guy! Your Funny! Come on Show me more and make me laugh even more!!!!" Rainbow then said in a scared voice (Rainbow's Pov) " PINKIE!!!! THAT'S A MANTICORE NOT SOME "FUNNY BIG GUY!!!" GET AWAY FROM IT BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (But then the Manticore was ready to strike, it rose up it's calws and was ready to assasinate Pinkie! " PINKIE PIE! IT'S ABOUT TO ATTACK!!!!!!" But it was almost to late, the Manticores claws were just about to strike the pink pony. "PINKIE! GET OUTTA THE WAY!" " DASHIE!" That's when the Manticore caught sight of Rainbow and changed it's direction and was getting ready to attack Rainbow Dash instead of Pinkie Pie. (Pinkie's Pov)

"DASHIE WATCH OUT IT'S GONNA...." Pinkie Pie Let out a Gasp. The Manticore Had Attacked Dash. Rainbow Didn't see it Coming. " Pinkie i'll be f.." " DASHIE!" Pinkie Screamed as her Mane and Tail Became Straight. Rainbow was thrown into a nearby tree. And she had fallen Unconcious. "DASHIE! PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD PLEASE!" Pinkie Said While Crying her eyes out. "My, My What Do Have Here? A Pink Pony From Ponyville That is in the Everfree At Free Will? What Wrong Little Pinkie Dear? " Z-Zecora.... It's Dashie. She's Hurt. And she won't respond to me. And i think she's Bleeding." Pinkie said to the Ying-Yang Colored Zebra. ( Best i got to Describe her. Ying-Yang Refferes to the Black and White Chinese symbol the Means Oppsites) " Sweet Little Pinkie, I Need to make sure she is Quite Alright." " O-okay." Pinkie Said.
A Few minutes later. " Pinkie Pie my Young Pink Friend.." " yes Zecora?" " Come with me. we need to get your winged companion to the hospitial as soon as possible." " O-Okay" ( Rainbow's Pov) I Felt groggy. i could taste... Blood? I felt my self being carried. " P-Pinks? A-Are y-you o-okay?" " Dashie! your hurt!" " O-oh, but it's good t-to s-see y-you o-okay..." I then fell back asleep. A while Later. "Ughhhhhh! Where am i?" " DASHIE!" " Pinkie!?" " Dashie... Pinkie Broke into tears! " D-Don't you ever do that again! Pinkie Promise!?" " Yes i Pinkie Promise." " Cross my heart" "Cross My heart" " Hope to Fly" "Hope To fly" "Stick a Cupcake in my Eye" " Stick a Cupcake in my Gahhhhhhhhh!"Rainbow Screeched as she felt instant Pain. "Dashie, you aren't suppossed to poke yourself in the eye." "Pinks... I Love you!" " I Love you to Dashie!" They Both Leaned in and Locked Lips With Each Other, Rainbow Felt her heart rate increase even though the heart moniter was telling them. The Doctors and The Others Ran In and they All Dawwwed at the scene. Rarity was Delighted along with the other 4." "Dashie..." Pinks" " I Love You Even More than Before." they said in unision

The End. For Real.
Well, This is the end of my PinkieDash Series. Next Up:I Really don't Know Yet.

Comments

[0]

umm.. watch your spellings and grammar :"marefreind", "Pinkie Pie Said", "they’re friend Zecora." for example. Also, spacing is your friend; reading clumped text is no fun.

Also putting language rules and formatting, characters seem a bit flat and the plot is filled with 'sudden appearances of something bad'. and character's responses are quite simple

The middle paragraph would be character fine if you had built enough tension beforehand.

DO NOT OVERUSE CANTERLOCK VOICE, BECAUSE IT DISTRACTS EASILY especially without spacing.

Not trying to be harsh, but it is somewhat hard to read your story

Not angry?

[Solarios]

First, you might want to encase the dialogues in quotation marks ("").
Second, you might also want to start a new paragraph for everypony's lines.
Third, too rushed.
Fourth, character reactions were kind of strange.
Fifth, plenty spelling and grammatical errors.
Good idea? Yeah, but the writing needs improvement.
Best of luck in your future work fellow writer.

[-Hidden Identity-]

Agreement with the above comments.

[Colt Cuddler]

The grammer/writing wasnt very good, but the emotion conveyed was fantabulous, you get five stars for writing a story that made my heart explode. Cant wait to see what else you might have in store!

[JustAnotherBadSonicOC]

240786 nope i am actually happy that you are crticising my fic! beacuse the criticisim does NOTHING TO AFFECT ME!!! I USE IT TO MAKE MY NEXT FIC BETTER AND BETTER BUT THERE IS ALWAYS ONME THING THAT I DO WRONG! LISTEN NOT ALL OF US CAN BE GREAT WRITERS! I'VE STILL GOTTA FINSISH MAKING 12 MORE MLP FIM FAN FICS THAT I HAE WRITEN AND REVISED IN REALITY! SO YOU BETTER BE QUIET BEFORE I GET DASHIE TO RAINBOOM YA FOO!

[0]

240911
Well, Your profile and description does not say that.

Also, the description is one of the most important parts. If you make a insecure/bad description most readers will pass. I learned that the hard way
If you are going waky plot, make the reader feel it is right. I know it sounds weird, but it is another way to say you must 'justify' your plot and build tension even if it is a short story.

Greetings.

[JustAnotherBadSonicOC]

240990 That's Beacuse i didn't plan on it sayin that u Twit! ( i am NOT actually calling you a Twit, it's just for no reason i but that cause that's one of My Special Phrases!)
And also, the story is being re-written, all of them will be, beacuse i am offically on Summer vaca as of tommorow!