The Decision
Trixie had to regain her strength and hold back on her magic for a while. For this reason, she did exactly what she was supposed to do and stayed in her room. Sometimes she’d go for a walk in the Royal Gardens, and once she even snuck back into the Royal Spell Library, though she only read some of the books for the sake of getting ideas. Aside from that, most of her time was spent reading in her room.
Staying put for so long was indescribably frustrating, but at least she had some reprieve. Fluttershy and Nye frequently visited. She was even visited by Pinkie Pie once, who was so much like her clones that Trixie wondered if she wasn’t one.
Pinkie had delivered a massive cake, a gift for helping her "remember how to bring smiles to ponies’ faces." It was a pretty good cake. Trixie thought it might have been better if it hadn’t literally exploded in her face, but she didn’t mind. Pinkie was amusing and, despite everything, Trixie quickly grew fond of her insanity.
Not all the news from Pinkie was good. She couldn’t find the replacement workforce needed for her restaurant, and said she’d be downgrading to a smaller one. Her old place was simply too far from Canterlot to attract workers. Trixie tried to apologize, but Pinkie would have none of it. She was so thrilled to be the only Pinkie Pie left in Equestria that she didn’t mind.
Well, not the only Pinkie Pie; she revealed that a half-dozen of the clones had actually survived the fight, and had fled in all directions! Where they had gone and what they would do was a complete mystery, but the original Pinkie wasn’t worried.
On the fourth day after the fight, Pinkie left Canterlot. Fluttershy, having helped Trixie for the first few days, bid her adieu and joined Pinkie, though where they were going was never made clear. Trixie was left with nopony but Nye to entertain her. It wasn’t that bad. She was actually growing to like him, trust issues aside.
But what Trixie really wanted was to see Luna. She had to speak with her, and address the situation. There was still one more fight left, but for once that wasn’t the biggest thing on her mind. For reasons she couldn’t explain, she was actually frightened by the prospect of re-entering Luna’s chambers, and the princess never came by to visit.
Trixie pressed Nye repeatedly for news on what was happening. Even if Luna was avoiding her, Trixie thought she should at least see her in the halls at night! But Nye could offer no help. He claimed to have no idea what Luna was really up to, though he knew she had been pulled into some kind of serious ‘negotiation’ with Celestia. Whatever that entailed, it was obvious that Luna was working hard on something behind closed doors.
Trixie didn’t like it. Not one bit.
When she awoke on the fifth night, she felt far better than she had been. The headaches had stopped the night before, and her soreness had finally gone away. When Nye brought her breakfast – or perhaps dinner? She was never really sure which – she’d experimented with using magic to eat, relieved to find that she earned no headaches for the attempt. She’d never realized just how dependent she’d been on magic until it was gone.
“I’ve got some good news for you.” Nye sipped on a frothy cappuccino. “Luna finished whatever she was up to.”
Trixie felt her breath catch in her throat while she fought to keep her excitement concealed. “So, Trixie may yet get to see a tiny sparkle of her mane today?”
“More than that,” he answered, flipping the page of his book. “She said this morning that she planned on seeing you tonight. To ‘discuss things.’”
Now that was good news. Trixie didn’t know why it was good news, but it felt good. She pretended to focus on her food as she quietly pondered her emotions and her talk with Fluttershy. It still weighed heavily on her mind, though she simply couldn’t imagine why. The only thing she knew for certain was that she had to stick by the princess. Twilight had told her so.
And that was what mattered… right?
“You know, she’s awake,” Nye pointed out without looking up from his book. “If ya wanted to go see her in her room—”
“Shut up and read your book,” Trixie ordered, pursing her lips at him.
He gained a tilted smile that made her bristle. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Most ponies would leap at the chance.”
She glowered at him as she swallowed the last remnants of her soup. “A chance for what?”
At last he looked at her, that smug grin on his face yet again. “Why, to spend the bedtime hours with a princess, of course.”
Trixie sputtered, glaring daggers. “It’s not like that!”
“If you say so,” Nye replied in a wry fashion, turning back to his book. “You’re already a step ahead of most ponies; you actually slept in her bed. You better take the next step while you can.”
She sneered at him, but rather than try to deny anything once more, she noticed an opportunity. “Did you tease the others like this?”
He paused, eyes lifting over the book to stare at her. It wasn’t an intense stare, but it still made her feel anxious. At last he lowered the book. “You’re only the second pony to get in her bed, so no.”
That made her blink. “What? But… is Trixie not fighting Luna’s ex-lovers? Wouldn’t that mean…?”
Nye blushed and shifted in his seat. “Well, not really. I mean, it’s true that she dated them, and sometimes things got a little heated. So in that sense, yes, they were her lovers. But Fluttershy was the only one who went… umm… ‘all the way.’ At least I think she did. It’s not like I know what goes on in Luna’s chambers after hours.”
So Luna was not as ‘easy’ as Trixie had been led to believe. That made her feel strangely pleased with herself, though it also made her feel guilty in regards to Fluttershy.
Nye wasn’t quite finished with the conversation. “Look, the point is you should seriously consider… well, trying. To be with her, I mean.”
She rolled her eyes. “So you’re also Luna’s matchmaker? Trixie should apologize; she had no idea you were a pony of so many talents.”
He offered a soft smile. “Please don’t make light of it. It’s never been like this before.”
“What do you mean?” Trixie asked, suddenly interested.
“I mean…” Nye paused to consider his words. “I mean… I guess it’s because there’s no Nightmare Moon. You’re succeeding, which is a whole new thing for us. Luna likes your chances and she must like you, too. She hates what Nightmare does, but she would never really try to stop her, because the consequences could be terrible.”
He set his book aside, eyes downcast in careful thought. “Yet she interrupted that fight. She’s never actually become involved like that, and I’m pretty sure whatever she’s been doing behind closed doors with Celestia is for you.”
Trixie tilted her head. “For m… for Trixie?”
He nodded, still not looking at her. “If I had to take a guess, I think she’s negotiating for you. Trying to protect you.”
Now she was completely confused. “What in Equestria would she need to protect Trixie from?”
“Well it is Celestia,” Nye replied as if this were all the explanation he needed. Seeing her skepticism, he leaned forward and beckoned to her. “You do believe Luna’s story now, don’t you?”
“No.” Trixie didn’t need to think on it. “Of course Trixie doesn’t!”
He sagged just a little. “Then why are you still fighting for her?”
Trixie hesitated, considering her answer. What was she to say now that the question was out there? She couldn’t tell the whole truth, but… “Because somepony… somepony special said Trixie should.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Like who?”
She lifted her head away in a posh manner. “You do not need to know that. She was important to Trixie. That should be enough.”
“Hmm…” Nye considered this, staring down at his book with unseeing eyes. After a time he offered Trixie a curious glance. “So… are ya gonna go see Luna, or not?”
She fidgeted in her seat and glanced at the door. He said the princess wanted to talk to her, but she was so strangely nervous. She knew why, but she didn’t understand why. The hesitation bothered her; she wanted to talk to Luna, didn’t she? So why wait? It wasn’t as if the princess was waiting to ambush her or anything.
“Trixie supposes…” she muttered, slowly climbing out of her chair. “In a way, the princess has summoned her… yes?” She glanced at Nye, who rolled his eyes with a wry smile and nodded. “Then she must go. Thanks for the soup, Nye.”
She started for the door, but paused when she noticed him staring at her. “What?”
He shook himself as if coming out of a trance. “Oh, sorry. It’s just… you’re welcome.” She raised an eyebrow at him, but he merely went back to his book. Deciding to let the subject go, she headed for the door.
Getting into the hall was easy. Getting into Luna’ chambers? Not so easy. Trixie found herself sitting before the double doors, staring at them with head low and her heart in her throat. Why was she so scared? What was it about this simple thing that made her want to flee back to her room and dive under her bed?
She glanced down the hall to her left. It was completely empty. She glanced to her right, and discovered the same. A massive hallway, dark and quiet. All to Luna and Nye. It felt so lonesome in this massive place. How horribly alone they must feel. Having her around at least gave them somepony to talk to.
A thought came to her mind, and upon its arrival Trixie didn’t feel so scared anymore. She raised her head to stare at the door for several seconds, her mind grinding through the possibilities the idea brought forth, and she felt sad. Sad for Luna. For Nye, too, but more for Luna. The thought gave her whatever she needed to get that door open.
She peered through the opening. Luna’s chambers were eerily lit by a series of small blue flames that seemed to just float in midair. How curious; she’d not seem them before. Then again, she’d fled the room so quickly that she’d not had time to notice anything.
She jerked her eyes from the flames to look about the room. She spotted Luna sitting before her massive, black wooden desk. The princess was reading a thick book, elbows on the desk and cheeks resting in her hooves. She appeared outright miserable, as though she were reading the saddest story ever written.
Her eyes drifted up when Trixie gently closed the door. At the sight of her, Luna raised her head. Her glassy yet wide eyes suggested that she’d not expected Trixie to arrive at all.
Trixie flinched under that gaze. “N… N-Nye said you wanted to speak to m… to Trixie?”
“I thought I was going to have to go out looking for you,” Luna admitted, a weak smile on her lips. “After the ways things have been, lately…”
Trixie sat, feeling a little sad herself. “If it makes you feel any better, Trixie is confused about many things at the moment. She has… I have questions.”
“Good,” Luna whispered, stepping away from her desk and making for some seats by the windows. She lay on a large sofa – her majestic body taking up all the space on it – and gestured for Trixie to take a seat in one of the other chairs. As Trixie approached, she said, “I thought you would like to know that your next fight will be in four days.”
“That long?” Trixie asked, carefully climbing onto a night-blue chair that was surprisingly soft. “Why such a wait?”
“I had to bargain for it.” Luna glanced away. “I wanted to give you more time to recover.”
Trixie gave her a questioning look. “Bargain with who?”
Luna sucked in a deep breath, as if the confession deeply troubled her. “Nightmare Moon.”
Trixie stared. “You… I’m not expected to fight with her, am I?”
Thankfully, Luna shook her head. “But she is responsible for the state that your opponents are all in. If I didn’t make a deal, she’d have found a way to corrupt you as well. I couldn’t let that happen.”
She was hearing the words, but they weren’t connecting to Trixie’s brain. “What did you have to give up?”
The princess’ eyes shifted away from her, and when she spoke her voice was very quiet. “Don’t you worry about that. The only thing that matters is that you’re safe from her.”
Trixie found herself gaping. What in the name of the Goddess could Luna have possibly sacrificed? For her? “Luna… why? You helped me fight the Pinkies and Fluttershy, and now this? I… I don’t understand.”
“Because I want you safe,” Luna replied, bowing her head. “I just want you to be safe.”
“Don’t say that!” Trixie jumped out of her chair and ran to stare Luna in the eye. She didn’t know what she was feeling, but it was strong and urgent and had her on the verge of tears. “Don’t say that,” she repeated, hearing her voice crack. “Ponies don’t help Trixie. Nopony wants to look after Trixie. Trixie is on her own! I am alone!”
She bowed her head, not bothering to brush away the tears, not understanding the powerful emotions running through her. “I’m supposed to be alone. I-I’ve always been alone…”
To hear Princess Luna claim to care was unbearable. Ponies didn’t care for Trixie. She’d learned that a long time ago. To hear Luna say it… It was a lie. It had to be a lie. “Don’t tell me that... I don’t want to hear it…”
Luna set a hoof under chin, making her look up. The princess’ soft face was so close, and she seemed so sad. “I can’t promise to always be able to help you, Trixie, but do not think that I don’t care.”
“But why?” She jerked back, as if Luna’s hoof was made of burning coals. “What possible reason could you have to care about me? This is just another trick to get my hopes up and see them crushed. I know it is; I don’t have good things happen to me, and when they do they always lead to disappointment and misery! You’re setting me up for another crash and burn, but Trixie is not falling for it!”
That was it. That was why she had been so scared. She couldn’t stand the thought of the princess actually liking her, to any degree. If something so impossibly good could happen to her, how horrible would the fall be? She wouldn’t be able to take it! And the fall would come. She’d been through the cycle enough times to understand her personal curse.
Trixie fell to the floor and buried her head in her hooves, sobs echoing around the huge room. She didn’t bother trying to control it, to stop it or quiet down. She just wept, because she knew what was happening, and she knew there could be no stopping it, no matter how badly she might want to.
She wasn’t sure how long she lay there, but when she came back to her senses she found Luna sitting on the floor before her, staring down at her with worry in her eyes. Trixie sniffed and rubbed her face with a leg. “What’s the matter? Never seen a pony as pathetic as me losing it?”
But Luna didn’t mock her. “You really have always been alone, haven’t you?”
Trixie bowed her head once more. “I’ve had only one pony in my entire life who cared about me.” She sighed and shook her head. “I don’t even have her anymore. When this is all over, I’m going to be traveling the roads again, doing odd jobs for bits, sleeping in alleys. I have nothing.”
Luna’s tone was laced with tenderness. “I am sorry. I wish I could help you, but I’ve used all my bargaining chips on what I’ve already gained for you and the others.”
Trixie looked up at her in surprise. “The others?”
She looked away and nodded. “I also made deals with Celestia. I’m trying to right my wrongs. They all deserve a little something.”
“But that wasn’t you,” Trixie countered, shocked at this revelation. “It was all Nightmare Moon! Why should you pay for her actions?”
“Nightmare Moon is still me, Trixie,” Luna announced regally. “She might be of a different mind, but she was born from me. Someday – if I’m lucky – we will be merged, and I will be whole again. She is part of my being, and so her actions are my responsibility.”
Trixie tried to think of things from Luna’s perspective. But when it came right down to it... “I just don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to understand,” Luna whispered, lowering her head to touch Trixie’s gently. “Just accept my gift. You’ve been fighting so hard. You deserve it.”
“No, I don’t,” Trixie whispered, and she meant it. “I’m Trixie. I don’t deserve anything.”
“Stop it!” Luna surprised Trixie by wrapping her in a tight hug. “Stop saying that! Don’t belittle yourself, don’t put yourself down! You deserve more than what I can afford!”
“Why are you like this?” Trixie demanded, though she didn’t try to escape the hold. “Trixie does not even believe your story. You don’t even know why she’s fighting for you!”
“None of that matters,” Luna whispered. “You’ve already done so much. I can’t promise you that I’ll be around for much longer, but I do care. I don’t want you to feel alone anymore.”
That was it. That last line made it clear, so clear that for several seconds Trixie was rendered numb. It was just like her thoughts at the door, only so much more vivid.
“You’re alone, too.”
Luna released her and leaned back, eyes wide. “W-what?”
“That’s it, isn’t it?” Trixie stared up at her, a strange pain in her heart… but also a certain curious familiarity. “That’s why you want to help me. You’ve always been alone, just like me.”
“I…” Luna’s eyes shifted back and forth. “I have… I have Nye…”
“You were trapped on the moon for a millennium,” Trixie pressed in a soft but focused voice. “All of Equestria fears you. You live in this massive wing of the castle, all by yourself with a little servant, because nopony here wants anything to do with you. Your own sister ostracized you.” She set a hoof to her own heart. “You think we’re kindred spirits, don’t you?”
Luna stared at her for several long seconds, appearing hurt and lost at the same time. “I…” She turned away. “I don’t want you to remain alone.”
“But what about you?” Trixie stood, expression filled with worry. “Don’t you deserve to be happy? Why should you waste everything on me? It’s not a sacrifice you have to make!”
“It’s a sacrifice I can make,” the princess whispered. “I am an immortal alicorn princess. I will have to face these punishments, eventually. There will always be a tomorrow for me, Trixie. You need your happiness right now, while you can still attain it.”
“No!”
Luna leaned back, clearly surprised by Trixie’s firm refusal. The smaller pony was abruptly confident, determined…and angry. She looked up at Luna proudly. “I refuse to have any happiness at your expense. It’s not right – Trixie will not accept it! If Nightmare wants to corrupt Trixie, I dare her to come and try!”
“Don’t say that,” Luna retorted, eyes widening. “The others—”
“I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie stomped her hoof, the sound echoing throughout the room. “I am not so fragile that I would defy my own dreams! For the first time in my life, I have a task that is worth the pain. I want to save you, Luna, and I’ll do it or die trying!”
Luna’s eyes became saucers, her breath catching in her throat. “Wha… What did you just say…?”
Indeed, what had she just said? Trixie thought back on it and, upon realizing her own words, couldn’t help blushing. But she’d begun, and she was not about to stop.
“I don’t know what it means,” she confessed with a sneer. “Defeating Nightmare? Celestia? Simply getting you out of this hellish situation? I haven’t a clue. But somepony in need begged me to help, and I swore before her tomb that I would do so. For her, for Equestria, for myself. Yes, and for you.”
The princess could only stare with her lips slightly parted. Trixie held her gaze, feeling confident. At last, Luna spoke. “Trixie… You mean that?”
“Do not doubt me,” Trixie replied in a voice both soft and focused. “Why so surprised? I’m sure all the others said something similar.”
“But none of them really understood the situation like you,” Luna replied hesitantly. “They didn’t know what they were getting into.”
“Neither do I,” Trixie confessed, “but that’s not going to stop me.”
Luna shook her head, worry and anxiety plain on her face. “You’re taking this too far. You don’t have to—”
Trixie threw up her hooves in exasperation. “For buck’s sake, would you stop trying to argue with me and just be happy? Goddess, you’d think I was pulling your teeth out!”
Luna leaned forward. “I’m worried about you!”
“You let Trixie worry about Trixie,” Trixie countered with force. “I don’t know why you care about me so much. I’m arrogant, I have no future, no money, no family. You’re a bucking princess! I shouldn’t be more than dirt to you!”
Luna abruptly embraced her, effectively shutting her up via embarrassment. “This bit of dirt has done more for me than anypony has in a thousand years. You fought for me, even when you didn’t understand why. The fact that you’re winning isn’t as important as the fact that you’re here, right now, trying to help me. After all the doubt, the questions, the trauma... you’re still here.”
She jerked away, leaving Trixie with a sense of sadness as her warmth faded. “I-I’m sorry,” Luna whispered, rubbing her moist eyes. “I-I shouldn’t be like this in front of you…”
Now Trixie was confused again. Seeing Luna on the verge of tears made her feel so… despondent. Useless, even. It was such a strange reaction, one she wished she could make sense of.
“Trixie would like to think you’d be used to this, after going through six ex-lovers already.” She set her gaze upon Luna’s sparkling mane, letting her eyes wander along the tiny stars within. She wanted to ask. She needed to ask.
“What am I, Luna?” The princess turned to her with tears barely contained. “What are we? Am I a tool? A stepping stone to your victory? Your champion? Your friend? A… another lover?”
Luna sniffed as she thought about the question. When she spoke, it was with an almost fearful reluctance.
“What do you want to be?”
That wasn’t the response she’d expected, or wanted. The decision was not supposed to be in Trixie’s hooves. Luna was the princess; she was the authority, she was the decision maker. Trixie didn’t want to have to make the choice. It was frightening. What if she made the wrong decision? What if it all came crashing down? It was going to, wasn’t it?
She wanted Luna to choose. That way, when things started going bad, she wouldn’t have to blame herself. It was wrong, and she knew it. But she was Trixie, and she was selfish. She knew what she wanted. She thought she knew what Luna was going for. What if she was wrong? She didn’t trust Luna, so how could she consider it?
It would backfire. It would go wrong. The crash would be so hard it might kill her. It was bad, it was improper, it was too fast. It couldn’t work, never, not a chance, not in a million years!
Yet for all her self-directed reprimands and determined arguments, Trixie found her trembling hoof moving forward. Slowly, with her heart in her throat, she touched Luna’s hoof. With tears in her eyes, she leaned to press the side of her head against the princess’ shoulder.
“But I’m scared.”
A wing wrapped about her, engulfing her in warmth. “I’m scared, too, Trixie.
“I’m terrified.”
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Stop this.
Stop updating so fucking fast.
Only YOU, can end the insanity.
3344368
I was thinking it was slow. No joke, I was getting antsy 'cause it was taking so long.
You think this is fast?
3344625
Your writing speed...
my writing speed...
yeah...
why!!!!!!! this story is so fucking awesome it needs to be featured on EQD and have thousands of upvotes. but y the hell is it not!!! i'm going crazy here!!!!
3345024
Your... excitement amuses me.
In fact, I have submitted this story to EQD for consideration. That was, what, a month ago? I imagine they'll get around to reading it in around 2020 or so.
A long overdue talk between Trixie and Luna here. So much uncertainty. So much pain.
Nice to see that some of the "exes" are on friendlier terms with Trixie. She still has to bring them all together to from the Elements after all...
Till next time!
Getting back to a little romantic buildup, are we? Good.
4547479
Getting the romance built in there believably was a serious trick, considering everything that's happened. I figured the best way to go about it was to have Trixie herself acknowledging that what she's experiencing is strange and just plain hard to rationalize. I like to think I pulled it off.
4547874 First comment here; I usually like to wait until the end to say everything, but I just wanted to comment on this point here.
I felt you did an awesome job with explaining everything going on between Luna and Trixie, their conversation and such. It felt real and was long enough to drive it home without being too drawn out. I'm really enjoying the story as a whole too, but I'll leave the gushing for later!
4655879
I shall look forward to your gushing.
Thank you for the encouragement.