Sir_Fredrick
Joined 15th Jan, 2013 ·
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For a first time it was pretty damn good. Good call on the AU tag as well.
There's nothing here that I haven't seen done before and done better, but it's an admirable start. Good show.
2959314>>2958485
Pretty much what I figured.
Thanks though!
That had some really great (forgive the pun
) plot points. I could actually feel his sadness at the beginning. Hell, you could have turned this into a story if you wanted to. But instead, you decided to end it on a joke. Good call by the way. No real criticism other than (punpunpun) that it was short and kind of unsatisfying. For a first time clop fic, it was really great though. Clap clap clop clop.
I only really have a few questions. How did his dad even die? And who was he cheating with?
2961840
Drawing things out has always been a problem with my writing, and I really don't know how to fix it.
His dad was poisoned, by a rebel/terrorist group that I had planned to more in depth with, but dropped it early on. If I continue the story, I'll flesh it out more.
ugh wun read but don't want any alts where ponies die -.- ......
2963598 I have that problem too. You just have to really try to do it and practice with other things. Come up with another story, and just try to go overboard with descriptiveness. After a while, you can look for a middle area that you like. Only focus on yourself and your writings. The readers don't matter yet. As long as you think it's perfect, it really is perfect. Once you get used to that, make a practice story for people to read. Ask what they think. Ask for details. Adjust your writing style a bit to what you think would fit. Once you think you've got it, you've got it. Then you just have to keep practicing so you don't loose it. It's that simple.
I cried so hard and then i fapped
3004628
and, how does that make you feel?
3006466 bad
Write a sequel where Cadence joins in once they get to the Crystal Empire.
3114010
I've thought about it, and that's the direction I plan to go if there is a sequel. but I've got at least 3 other things on the go, and I've been terribly unfocused lately.
This was beautiful.
Very good. It's exceedingly rare these days in the MLP fandom to find a well-written bit of adult fanfiction that actually has a mood, a good pace, and an atmosphere to it. ESPECIALLY one told first-person from the point of view of an established character. You did a great job.
The clop wasn't bad for a first try. But you really made Articuno disappointed with not continuing with the story of his dads death.
C'mon, make this a side story to the real one, where Shining and his farther have been working to hunt down a Unicorn surpremisist ring. It's got potential! Do you need a co-author?
"Just, stay with me, and it'll be okay" not sure if intentional but I laughed hard...
3396441
Not intentional, I'm definitely not that clever.
3388696
I don't think I'd really have time for such a thing... maybe in the future though.
I don't read much clop but when I do......*clop* *clop* *clop* *clop*
Not too bad for your first attempt at clop! Though you already explained why to another user, I was very confused as to how Shining's father died and why. In fact, the whole first half felt like it could've used more expansion on. More explanation on the father's death and how the family reacted to it would've been nice.
The clop scenes were enjoyable; gotta love some incest! Having read this after reading your TwiDash clopfic, you definitely made some improved upon the clop scenes, so that's terrific!
i.imgur.com/tfZQS.jpg
This was very well written for a first person clopfic. You did a good job at making it fluid and flow well. I commend you for your first time and expect to see more from you.
There's a Twilight Velvet tag if it helps.
Enough to give me a rock hard dick, damn... I don't get erections so easily.
Aww how sweet. I came here for the feels
The intro to the sex was rather jarring, but otherwise it was quite hot. Shame there's only one chapter
I don't know, the moment they said he even had sex with Celestia,.....
If it is done in the right way and with feels, even something like that can be nice to read, but the moment he had done it with Celestia to, made him look like some sort of asshole to me. (I don't have the right words to describe it even more accurate right now.)
Author's Note:
My first attempt at clop.
How was it?
I give you a 8 out of 10.
really good.
The clop was pretty good, the story and characterizations came off as rushed and not well thought out but that just makes it an average clop fic one shot. Nothing wrong to the extent that it really put me off or that I could reasonably expect to find.