Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 11th, 2014
DiffyQ
I really love this showI am ridiculously shyI love video gamesI love architecture and engineeringI want to be a good writer
DiffyQ
Joined 19th Feb, 2012 ·
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This is my first story. So.... be super harsh on it I guess
236496 Oops. I think you're supposed to stay anonymous! But good luck. It's great for a first and was a fun read! OuO
Well mate, for a first try I can't say this is. bad considering I know what influences your writing has been affected by, but your structure is definitely unorthodox. I don't know if you broke the rule on purpose, but generally you start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. I would also recommend that you proofread before you submit. There are some noticeable careless mistakes. Also, everything seems really close together, and your paragraphs really seem larger than they need to be.
In terms of substance, I know that you probably wanted to keep the story short and sweet and packed full of action, but there is such a thing as juxtaposition. I feel you you may have been influenced by the COD gaming series, which has its points where it just won't calm down for five seconds without something exploding or the AI shouting at you to perform some kind of mentally insane task. If I were you, I would have extended this story a little to include a stealth scene which would balance out the insane action in this story or at least provide some tactical or strategic planning by the higher ups. I liked this story, overall, and look forward to see what you'll come out with next.
Structure
241385
Thank you for the criticism! Sorry there was so much wrong with it, hopefully my next story will be better; after i come up with some idea for it. I'm glad it wasn't a completely horrible read. Thanks again!