May memories comfort you in your time of death, sorrow and anger. Share the memories with your loved one.
Death was among them, touching their coats with is cold wet hands. Watching them as the water grew larger waiting to take their lives.
Twilight and Rainbow dash was cuddle up together listening to each other soft breathing sniffing the scent of the water that brushed them.
“Warning submarine is critical overflowing, Escape using pods in the backroom.” the alarm sounded through the sub.
“Twilight.” said Rainbow. “I really was hoping this just be simple a mission.” She locked eyes with her mare friend. “I wanted to spend my whole life loving you.” She paused for a moment her eyes started to stream with tears her lips started to quiver. “But now I can't because I'm not going be here to do it.” She buried her face into Twilight's chest staining it with her tears.
“Shhhsh.”Twilight brushed Rainbow's mane comforting her with her lavender scent and soft chest. “Rainbow we'll get out of this.” Rainbow looked up staring into Twilight's comforting eyes. “And the love you given me is like you been in my whole life.”she nuzzle her mare friend.
Rainbow felt better, her mare friend was here to comfort her and loved her. After a long silence that filled the air, Rainbow broke it with a question Twilight knew was coming. “Do you think Celstia going come and saved us?”
Twilight knew her teacher too well for her just to abandoned them like this. But she feared that it will be too late and they already be dead will rescue arrives. “Yes, I just hope help comes fast.”
“Me too I hope- A growl from Rainbow stomach irrupted her. “She gets here cause I'm starved!”
A growl from Twilight agree with Rainbow. Twilight blushed in embarrassment from the sudden reaction. “Me too” she muttered.
“Hey Twilight, Remember our first date?”
Twilight rubbed her chin trying to remembered what Rainbow was talking about. “Yeah, we was in canterlot right?” Rainbow nodded.
“Don't lie, I am good at first dates.” Dash said with pride. Twilight rolled her eyes.
First Date
Days After Twilight confess to Rainbow, It's been a lot of spending time together between them. Rainbow After she finished cloud busting, she would go see Twilight and they'll read a daring doo book together. Twilight would set up a picnic at Pony's peak Like a date sort of.
So Rainbow can up with the idea of them traveling to canter lot for a romantic dinner. Wait! I know what you're thinking the Rainbow dash , doing romantic dinners! Well even loved makes you do stuff you hate.
Twilight suggest they wear dresses for the occasions, At first Rainbow argue to go without the dresses. But you know Twilight won't drop an agruement, So they went with the dresses made from Rarity and took off to canterlot.
“So where you taking me?” asked Twilight. She was seated near Rainbow on the train to canterlot.
“I'm taking you to your doom! Rainbow joked. But Twilight wasn't smiling nor laughing so she cleared her throat. Can't tell you, I'll have to show you.” Rainbow was about to nuzzle Twilight, but was stop with a hoof to the face.
“Nope you don't tell me. she crossed her arms. You don't get to nuzzle me.”
Hearing this Rainbow threw her hoofs in the air and yelled. “COME ON!” before bringing them down.
Twilight hoofs remain crossed until Rainbow tell her where they was going when they get to canterlot.
“Fine! Rainbow cursed wanting Twilight badly. We're going to a restaurant OK!” She crossed her arms and groan.
Twilight lean in and kissed Rainbow on the muzzle and whisper. “Was that so hard” then sat back down.
“Next stop the canterlot palace, I hope you enjoy taking the pony express. Please take trash or items with you when you board off the train, Thank you.” the train operator sounded through the train.
Twilight thought, “I have bad feeling something bad is going to happen.”
Rainbow thought, “Your the best at first dates nothing bad is going to happen.”
Nothing Bad going to happen
Yeah right
Oh, you deleted my comment. Classy.
3056715
Fear not.
gyazo.com/91802815e14fb6673253c46745882fe9.png
This is a test. I am testing you.
Your story needs some serious work. It's almost impossible to read due to all the writing errors that plague it. Every kind of erroneous action that could have been done in a single story... is present in this one. I am sorry. You really need an editor, and the fact that you turned Tom away and deleted his attempt to help you has just crushed all thoughts that you were a decent person.
After reading this through and leaving a rather vague comment above, I feel I should leave a comment giving a reasonable critique of what you have so far. In short, this could do with some serious work.
The grammar itself is rather atrocious. Most of what I've seen has either been a sentence fragment or a run-on sentence or frankly makes little sense grammatically. While it appears as if you've been trying to improve, this stands out the most in the second chapter. For example:
This paragraph in particular has quite a few issues, the most glaring (and most famous) I want to highlight is "Time move slow". There are also numerous tense issues, agreement errors, missing quotation marks, and extra uses of the word 'the'. I understand Tom has already attempted to present an 'edited' version of this, but you deleted the comment with the link. Cleaned up, this paragraph should instead look something like:
Even then, there are issues with the flow and the logic behind this paragraph itself. In the context from which this paragraph was taken, Twilight wasn't doing anything besides just watching a drunk Rainbow shout at a drunk, horny stallion. What option did Twilight see? There's a lot happening in such short installments. You aren't giving readers enough time to process new information before something else is happening that overall impacts the flow of the story negatively. I'm not saying you need 10k chapters, just that you need to slow down and work on describing what's happening at a slower pace to give readers a chance to take things in. These kinds of problems are found in abundance throughout the story, and I would highly recommend you find an editor/proofreader. I can understand if English isn't your first language or if you are still learning. If that's the case I would recommend finding a couple of people willing to preread your writing before you publish it.
I also noticed your author's note at the end of Chapter 2. Don't rush things. Writing, especially when it comes to fanfiction, I would assume is a hobby. Thus, take your time and enjoy it. Don't try to push something through if you think or if you know it isn't as good as it could be. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience here. If something feels rushed or incomplete, go back to it later and try to fix it. Again, a proofreader/editor can tell you if something sounds off (and don't ask them to rewrite it for you, that's not their job, it's yours).
I can understand with Rainbow maybe snapping at Twilight for something, but again, with how quickly you seem to be making things happen this just feels choppy and sloppy. I know there's the temptation to type in ALL CAPS when a character is shouting in dialogue, but I would suggest avoiding it. Through description, adjectives, and our friend the exclamation mark, you can convey that Rainbow Dash is angry/snapping at Twilight much more effectively. I must also point out that here (and in other places throughout the fic), Rainbow or Twilight, depending on the situation, shift from being out-right furious to apologetic. This makes Rainbow/Twilight come off as slightly bipolar. If you're gonna have them move from angry to apologetic for being angry, you need to take time to make that transition. Be it through more dialogue, a glimpse into said pony's thoughts, or descriptions of their body language (i.e. tense, nostrils flaring to the dawning that they just snapped at their best friend).
And again, the grammar issues are paramount throughout. Proper capitalization of nouns needs to be fixed. For example, you capitalize "pegasus" several times. I must stress that Pegasus refers to the winged horse from Greek mythology, while pegasus with a lower-case 'p' refers to the species in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Prof. Yana commented on these issues regarding grammar and syntax on your other fic, "Drowned." Take into consideration what he's said there and apply it here as well.
A few other things I noticed were some logistic errors throughout. As Tom and I commented on previously, the logic behind the submarine and their entire situation is flawed at best. A two-pony mini-submarine implies that it is small, perhaps run by a small generation that is manually operated by Rainbow or through Twilight's magic. It would also imply that it would be one or two rooms at most, with little wiggle room. Yet you describe it as having multiple decks and escape pods, which suggests it could fit and entire crew in it. Then comes the fact that somehow, miles under the surface of the ocean, Rainbow battled giant sea monsters in the water and was injured while fighting. How does Rainbow fight them off when she would be stuck in the submarine with Twilight? Logically, this makes no sense. This is but one example. Another I noticed was in your latest chapter regarding the first date. You seem to suggest that Rainbow confided in Twilight and they both agreed to go to a restaurant in Canterlot together. Then, Twilight denies a nuzzle from Rainbow because Rainbow refuses to tell her where they're going. I assumed you meant the specific restaurant they were going to (Pony Joe's or some high-class joint), but then Rainbow leaves it as just a restaurant. This is confusing to read and to understand. In other words, it needs clarification.
Finally, and I know it may sound petty, but you have to keep an eye on how you refer to a pony's anatomy here.
Last I checked, ponies don't have arms. The have forelegs though
Please don't take any of this as an attack on your person. This wasn't meant to be offensive or to bash your story. I am simply trying to give you constructive criticism to help improve your writing in the future.
From one writer to another, I'm just trying to give some advice on how to improve
EDIT: Don't take this the wrong way, I just found it to be incredibly amusing. You should take "time move slow" to heart, you're writing at the moment is too "time move fast." Again, for such short chapters things are happening way too quickly. And again, this is just meant to be constructive criticism.