Equestria will soon be a battle ground. Beset by that which ponykind cannot hope to beat. Yet six beings crafted in war will stand to defend all ponykind. They are The Deathwatch.
It's good, but needs work. Mainly in grammar, sentence structure, and the occasional spelling mistake. If you don't have time to go through, or English isn't your first language, I can understand the mistakes.
Luna, I said you, you dead. By the way, you still working on Equestria Burns? I'm pretty sure she'll die in some crossfire sometime later. I noticed the grammar is a bit off, other than that I can only say it's a great fic so far
Well done! I find this just a little funny because my friends were just talking about how a cross-over of mlp and SM would be really cool, and when I saw this, i just had to read. It's really good so far. Cades pretty much covered any mistakes, and I know all too well how it feels to have very little spare time. I wish you luck on the rest, I'm looking forward to it!
2860858 I am but it is takign time for several reasons manly the fact i don't feel I can do the thousand sons justice in it (they are my fave pre-heresy chapter).
Never assume who will die for it will surprise you if they do not .
2863526 Not space marine that game pissed me off. This is based on the table top war game i was based on and the RPG by fantasy flight called Deathwatch. But I hope you enjoy the story either way.
Same thing :P . I meant the universe in general. But as for the games and table top, there are some bad games, but not all are bad, and the table top is really fun though.
Not a bad story though I have to admit I've never heard of this Chapter. Good news done, now bad news. Grammar, while not too shabby it needs a bit of work. Especially in your summary. Next, at the end in your author's notes: NEVER ask for thumbs up. Makes you seem desperate and most readers will take offense to that, especially when your story is still fresh. Wait till your story is a bit more popular then just make the occasional asking for thumbs up.
2867511 Deathwatch aren't a chapter, more like a special forces team of every space marine chapter primarily used to kill xenos. I could talk about your grammar or I could point out a mistake I noticed... "but one she had been given by someone she had only met within the world of dreams... Her farther." Should be father. Probably more grammar mistakes in their according to other comments, but nothing glaring at me, I'm enjoying it so far.
Dig the idea, but I would recommend that you find an editor to help you look over future chapters before publishing them.
The errors are generally pretty minor. Missed commas, incorrect wording, a few superfluous words here or there. Just stuff that could be fixed with an extra pair of eyes. There is one big thing though: After you introduce the marine with the flame thrower you start switching between present and past tense. That's really something you need to work on.
Other than that, I really like it. The characters are all pretty distinct even though we don't have a lot of screen time for them yet, the language is consistent, and you've managed to make it sound like the retelling of an epic (which is very cool, imo). Although your story does seem to be suffering from crippling Ork deficiency, it might just pull through.
Soo... which chapter is the Chaplain from? You have a Space Wolf, a Dark Angel, a Storm Warden. I guess Heavy Flamer guy and the Chaplain are currently chapterless. (Well, i think it was implied that the guy with a Heavy Flamer was a Dark Angel, but...)
2867511 Alpharius IV hit the nail on the head with who the Deathwatch are.
2867664 Thanks for pointing that one out. Don't know how I did that.
2867883 I have only reviled three chapters so far: and I want to know what made you think Elyas was a terminator?
2869151 Thankyou for the pointers. I have looked for a editor but well people I have asked know little to nothing about 40k and those that do know nothing about the deathwatch.
Again thanks for pointing that out I will go over and change that.
Oh a lack of Orks you say? They might make an appearance somewhere down the line.
2869335 I have only revealed three chapters thus far for suspense reasons, not to mention their is still the sixth Deathwatch Space Marine to bring in. Which will happen in the later chapters.
Grey knights have no part in the deployment of the Deathwatch nor do they provide battle-brothers to them, the Deathwatch and the Ordo Xenos chamber militant while Grey Knights are the Ordo Mallius chamber militant.
I am aware, my point was that the only people who might react worse to ponies would be Grey Knights and Dark Eldar. You could probably make a case for Daemons too.
I don't think the Elements of Harmony would work on Tyrannids. After all, they aren't evil, they aren't "disharmonious", they're just hungry. I think the Elements only work on things that are actively disharmonious. In fact, considering that, it might not even work on Chaos (the Warp version) because, to the warp's "logic", Chaos is harmony.
Hmmm, maybe the Elements would work on the Eldar, though. Think about it, who has caused the most disharmony and chaos (the non-warp kind) in Warhammer 40k? The Eldar! They have provoked constant strife and encouraged betrayal and hate, etc. amongst the Imperium and other species. I'm not bashing them, I think they're pretty awesome (if they weren't so stuck-up without having earned the right to be, since the Old Ones gave them everything on a silver platter). However, I doubt they would get the irony that they are chaos. It would be hilarious to see their reaction if they did. Talk about Just as Planned!
Sweetness. But one thing bugged me throughout this chapter. It's the fact that you kept referring to the Tyranids as Xenos. While they are Xenos, that could have meant you were referring to Orks or Eldar or something. I'm sorry. I'm very nitpicky about terminology
3437251 Understandable and I can see your point. However I chose to use xenos instead of switching to using tyranid to reinforce the idea all cenos life is abhorrent and needs to be exterminated.
It's good, but needs work. Mainly in grammar, sentence structure, and the occasional spelling mistake. If you don't have time to go through, or English isn't your first language, I can understand the mistakes.
Keep up the good work.
2860412
English is my first language, but with the shifts I work spare time is a rare luxury I lack.
Thankyou for the pointers.![:moustache:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/moustache.png)
2860433
No problem. And you're welcome.
Luna, I said you, you dead. By the way, you still working on Equestria Burns?![:duck:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/duck.png)
I'm pretty sure she'll die in some crossfire sometime later. I noticed the grammar is a bit off, other than that I can only say it's a great fic so far
Well done! I find this just a little funny because my friends were just talking about how a cross-over of mlp and SM would be really cool, and when I saw this, i just had to read. It's really good so far. Cades pretty much covered any mistakes, and I know all too well how it feels to have very little spare time. I wish you luck on the rest, I'm looking forward to it!
this looks like its going to be good
2860858
I am but it is takign time for several reasons manly the fact i don't feel I can do the thousand sons justice in it (they are my fave pre-heresy chapter).
Never assume who will die for it will surprise you if they do not
.
2863526
Not space marine that game pissed me off. This is based on the table top war game i was based on and the RPG by fantasy flight called Deathwatch. But I hope you enjoy the story either way.
2864773
I hope it turns out good.
Not a bad story though I have to admit I've never heard of this Chapter. Good news done, now bad news. Grammar, while not too shabby it needs a bit of work. Especially in your summary. Next, at the end in your author's notes: NEVER ask for thumbs up. Makes you seem desperate and most readers will take offense to that, especially when your story is still fresh. Wait till your story is a bit more popular then just make the occasional asking for thumbs up.
2867511
Deathwatch aren't a chapter, more like a special forces team of every space marine chapter primarily used to kill xenos.
I could talk about your grammar or I could point out a mistake I noticed...
"but one she had been given by someone she had only met within the world of dreams... Her farther."
Should be father.
Probably more grammar mistakes in their according to other comments, but nothing glaring at me, I'm enjoying it so far.
Question:what space marines chapters they belong to? The only who appears are the space wolves tactical marine and the dark angel terminator
Dig the idea, but I would recommend that you find an editor to help you look over future chapters before publishing them.
The errors are generally pretty minor. Missed commas, incorrect wording, a few superfluous words here or there. Just stuff that could be fixed with an extra pair of eyes. There is one big thing though: After you introduce the marine with the flame thrower you start switching between present and past tense. That's really something you need to work on.
Other than that, I really like it. The characters are all pretty distinct even though we don't have a lot of screen time for them yet, the language is consistent, and you've managed to make it sound like the retelling of an epic (which is very cool, imo). Although your story does seem to be suffering from crippling Ork deficiency, it might just pull through.
All in all it looks cool. Liked and faved.
Soo... which chapter is the Chaplain from? You have a Space Wolf, a Dark Angel, a Storm Warden. I guess Heavy Flamer guy and the Chaplain are currently chapterless. (Well, i think it was implied that the guy with a Heavy Flamer was a Dark Angel, but...)
2867511
Alpharius IV hit the nail on the head with who the Deathwatch are.
2867664
Thanks for pointing that one out. Don't know how I did that.
2867883
I have only reviled three chapters so far: and I want to know what made you think Elyas was a terminator?
2869151
Thankyou for the pointers. I have looked for a editor but well people I have asked know little to nothing about 40k and those that do know nothing about the deathwatch.
Again thanks for pointing that out I will go over and change that.
Oh a lack of Orks you say? They might make an appearance somewhere down the line.![:duck:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/duck.png)
2869335
I have only revealed three chapters thus far for suspense reasons, not to mention their is still the sixth Deathwatch Space Marine to bring in. Which will happen in the later chapters.
2869373 because only terminators can be equipped with heavy flamers
2869886
Stern guard veterans can wield them in place of bolters.
2869888 I thought it because only terminators can be placed in the space hulk, not sternguard
2869895
Not based off Space Hulk, Space Hulk follows blood angles terminators, this follows a Deathwatch kill-team.
A kill-team is comprised of different battle-brothers from different chapters.
2869939 And this kill-team don't have a blood angel?
2869952![:rainbowderp:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowderp.png)
I am not in a position to answer as to weather or not there is a blood angel within this kill-team.
By the Emperor, I shall like it and fav it and you will be watched.
2870498
![:yay:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/yay.png)
![:pinkiesmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesmile.png)
thankyou. And I am glad you liked it so far.
This shall be watched for any heresy... and if there is by the emperor I shall hit it with my power wrench.
2876630
![:rainbowderp:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowderp.png)
Oh bugger. thank god I aint a heretic
The only way this could possibly go worse would be if you sent Grey Knights or some really high level Dark Eldar.
2877008
Not sure if insult or funny joke.
Going to assume the later.
Grey knights have no part in the deployment of the Deathwatch nor do they provide battle-brothers to them, the Deathwatch and the Ordo Xenos chamber militant while Grey Knights are the Ordo Mallius chamber militant.
2879558
I am aware, my point was that the only people who might react worse to ponies would be Grey Knights and Dark Eldar. You could probably make a case for Daemons too.
I don't think the Elements of Harmony would work on Tyrannids. After all, they aren't evil, they aren't "disharmonious", they're just hungry. I think the Elements only work on things that are actively disharmonious. In fact, considering that, it might not even work on Chaos (the Warp version) because, to the warp's "logic", Chaos is harmony.
Hmmm, maybe the Elements would work on the Eldar, though. Think about it, who has caused the most disharmony and chaos (the non-warp kind) in Warhammer 40k? The Eldar! They have provoked constant strife and encouraged betrayal and hate, etc. amongst the Imperium and other species. I'm not bashing them, I think they're pretty awesome (if they weren't so stuck-up without having earned the right to be, since the Old Ones gave them everything on a silver platter). However, I doubt they would get the irony that they are chaos. It would be hilarious to see their reaction if they did. Talk about Just as Planned!
Sweetness. But one thing bugged me throughout this chapter. It's the fact that you kept referring to the Tyranids as Xenos. While they are Xenos, that could have meant you were referring to Orks or Eldar or something. I'm sorry. I'm very nitpicky about terminology![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
3437251
Understandable and I can see your point. However I chose to use xenos instead of switching to using tyranid to reinforce the idea all cenos life is abhorrent and needs to be exterminated.
Interesting, you now have my attention and I will be reading up on this.
He Who Allows the Alien to Live Shares in the Crime of Its Existence!
8025527 The Black Templars once allowed a xenos race to live just because they said they worshiped the Emperor.