“This wine is too good for toast-drinking, my dear. You don't want to mix emotions up with a wine like that. You lose the taste.”
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…until she came along…
Life as a living legend isn't all it’s cracked up to be. Living in the wake of one isn't any easier. As they finally go their separate ways, Dash and Applejack begin to remember the way life was…and how it's all changed.
For the largest legends always cast the longest shadows.
A story chronicling the events after Twilight's coronation. Takes place after Season 3, assuming Season 4 never happened.
**Art by AeronJVL, for original story Contrail, by Alex Nuage.
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Alrighty. So my general thoughts are that I really like the story; writing wise and concept wise. The more specific stuff that I'll let you know about is generally in order, since I went through the story in order looking for things to point out to you. Here are a few things first off:
1. A dim shadow sat atop a grassy hilltop Here you have "top" twice, and reading them both so close together sounds a bit repetitive. You could, for example, just stick with "hill" instead of "hilltop".
2. “Used to be we couldn't get y’all to stop talking.” I know AJ uses "y'all" to mean "you" often in the show, however the correct slang for "you" would actually be "ya". "Y'all" is a contraction for "you all", which doesn't make much sense when talking about one person/pony, since it is plural.
3. All was still; not even the wind breezed through "Breezed" is sort of a strange verb here, and it made the phrase sound a bit odd when reading. I might re-word that to something like "not even a breeze brushed past", or "not even a breeze disturbed the surroundings". Something along those lines.
4. The duo sat in silence for a long time, neither able to meet each other’s eyes. All was still; not even the wind breezed through, as though it also knew of the rare quietness emanating from Ponyville. The only sound was the duo’s hearts beating, pounding from the thought of the inevitable. "Duo" is used in this paragraph twice, which sounds a bit repetitive again. I noticed this a few other times with "duo" as well. To switch it up a bit, you could use "pair" (that would be my first choice) or "two ponies'" (second choice). Adds a bit of variety.
5. But Rainbow just tried to shrug it off. I try not to bug people about starting sentences with "And" or "But", since I'll admit to doing it, but it really isn't supposed to be done. Also, the sentence doesn't actually need to be started with it; just "Rainbow" is fine. As well, I found "just" made the sentence longer than necessary here.
6. "Uttered" was used quite a bit in the story. I might try switching it up with "stated", which I think I only saw once, so it isn't repetitive.
There are some starting things! Is that too much stuff to think over in one comment, or would you like more thoughts at a time? Anyway, I'll be here for when you want some more suggestions and editing thoughts.
Got a break between planning for the convention, so here you go:
1. not even a breeze I see you changed this already. However, you'll probably want to add "a" between "even" and "breeze".
2. eternally twinkling in the night sky; always present, never changing I like the whole bit about the stars, except for the part about never changing, since stars definitely change (and die/disappear, which sort of goes against your message a bit). Though I think I see what you meant here, in that there are always stars in the sky, they always exist. So perhaps a different choice of words...? Maybe something like "always present, always there for you when you were alone and in darkness, if only you looked up to see them" or something like that. I'd also put a semicolon after "night sky" so it doesn't become a run-on sentence.
3. And in the back Don't need to start with "and" there- just "in the back" is great.
4. still wished on them- still wished that I'd put a hyphen here instead of a comma to separate the ideas, and prevent a run-on sentence.
5. “But still,” she uttered. This is a specific example of when I think "uttered" does't really need to be used. I would probably do "'But still,' she persisted." since RD is continuing making a point here. I actually find "uttered" best used when a character is making a single statement, since the word makes things sound so final, if that makes any sense!
6. It seemed so right, y’know? 'Y'know" is essentially a question, so I'd finish this sentence off with a question mark, not a period.
7. Don’t lie to yourself,” Dash muttered bitterly For some variety, you could make this "muttered", if you wanted.
8. I knew they’re never coming back "They're" only sounds good when used as a contraction for "they are", not "they were". I'd just use "they were" here- it also helps clarify that this is past tense being talked about.
9. I wish she never came here I'd suggest making this "she'd never come here" to clarify that this is past tense you're talking about.
10. It might be nice to have Celestia turn and remark to Twilight how proud she is of her, or something like that, before she leaves. It felt a bit unnatural for Celestia to leave quite as quickly as she did, without a closing statement. Perhaps take a look at that and see what you think about giving her a parting remark.
11. same whistle Rainbow Dash did[ Could change "did" to "had done", to show past tense.
12. In pride, of course "In pride" doesn't really make sense; "out of pride" does make sense though, and flows well.
Well there's some more stuff! That long drive was time enough for me to get more notes down, so there's more headed your way. Talk to you soon!
Sorry for taking so long to get to this. First week or two of college is always interesting to say the least. As for story flow and character personalities, there's not that has stood out so far. I'm only about a third of the way in and very few things have stood out.
I would suggest some type of page break or "random amount of days earlier" style of transition when transitioning from the "present" with AJ and Rd to the "past" with Twilight or vice versa. I could see it causing a slight hiccup in the immersion of the story.
I would also recommend that you consider breaking the story into a few smaller chapters. Most people don't have time to read an 11k story in one sitting. I find that anything from 2k to 5k is a more manageable size for most people.
You could resolve both of these problems by simply making some of these time period transitions into new chapters. I will keep reading after dinner and let you know if I notice anything else.
Here is the original Story using that art, and the artist that made it. Please give him credit in the description, sire.
Contrail
AeronJVL
Youch, painful-- Twi, what were you thinking? Ah, curious to see where it goes.
Well I will be the first to say, that was an awesome story! I would have liked to see something along the lines of a confrontation with twilight and hear her response or explanation as to why she just abandoned her best friends, but i digress. very well done!
I LOVE YOU. That was... I mean, I cried. You just gained a follower, a favorite, and a like. Oh my goodness... I can't even...
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I legit have a few tears in my eyes xD
This was very well done!