Jasper77W
Joined 1st Sep, 2012 ·
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I thought I'd have more time. Looks like I won't be sleeping tonight!
Wait she's the last Alicorn on the planet?
2909413
Yup.
Mm... I definitely need to read it)
So the story itself is written in flashback? This brings up some questions and answers others which I won't ask yet.
2912145
Looks like I'll have to run through it again, damn it. I do remember editing out 'wonder' and replacing it with 'wander', but there must've been something odd with the save. Guess you aren't supposed to simultaneously edit things on your iPad and Mac cause iCloud will f*ck it up
2912437 I've found most things to mess up when using the same profile on two different systems. Since I haven't finished entirely I'll post anything else I notice in another comment.
Edit: I'll also delete that last comment.
2912454
I probably should've learnt from when I lost an entire BH3 chapter though.
2912731 Yeah that's not a fun thing to happen. However I haven't seen many other mistakes of recent but I'll keep looking as I read.
Fuck me... Now I gotta read this...
ohhhhhh another one that looks good.Also you misspelled Sydney a few times with Sidney around the part with the syringe.
Seriously? I could live with Fluttershy's organization creating the original megaspell framework, since that wasn't hostile or anything, but an attachment that was meant for a gun quoting her.
THAT IS JUST WRONG!!!! Also why does that other girl have to be "the last alicorn" they were just starting up as a race in Fallout Equestria, why did they have to start dying out? but other than that great story.
3276971
HEX isn't exactly a good company, as later on in the story you'll find out. Also, after it was discovered that Alicorns seem to be immune to Black there was a mass genocide committed by a few groups, simply called 'Alicorn Hunters'. Alicorn skeletal remains have magical properties which could be utilized, therefore sell for quite a high price. Most survivors of the genocide went into hiding, away from all other pony species. Kassandra, being the only one that has been found; is effectively the 'last' alicorn alive. I'll explain in detail in the story later on
3277499 Well nice to know that they aren't all dead, few characters pull of the "last of the species" role well. But yeah gotta say this is a good follow up to fallout equestria, still managing some of Kkat's darkness without overdoing it doesn't seem like an easy task.
Everyone loves the FLacon more than the falcon
Edit: also "in which there was another chair opposite of." Generally ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon. You could make it "opposite of her" but that's entirely up to you and I am in no way correct in "correcting your technically nonexistent mistake.
I have one question and take it how you will: do you have an editor or just a proofreader?
3451409
Went back and changed that part. Falcon is now a name instead of a ship type, just for later on in the story. (Which is why I wanted to finish the whole thing first so I don't have to double back to a published chapter.) but at the current rate, I might need like an extra year to write down all the things I have planned for this story, so I might post chapters in seasons/volumes/whatever.
And yes a proof-reader or editor would be great
3454362 So you do not have either. In my opinion an editor could really help you smooth out the edges of your story. Generally editors are more preferred as they are supposed to fix any storyflow issues it may have as well as check for the simple sentence errors a proofreader generally checks for but either should help in your case.
3455535
I'll call for one on dA when I illustrate the Rapture hydrostable
I would like to register as a PRE-READERS
I would very much like to register my interest as a pre-reader. I do like what I've read so far and I'll can't wait to read a bit more.
I would say good start but since this is just a preview: Good Preview! This will be a lot of work but for someone with so many stories I reckon you have this kind of thing down to a tee.
A few notes. I wouldn't usually do this but you have my attention; that's a good thing.
He felt a pair of eyes Bore holes...
No need for the dashes here: It was there- he knew it was. You can use colons or semi-colons instead. Depends if the second part could stand on its own as a sentence.
Same here. "Peach didn't argue- she could" Use a colon or a full stop.
"We're here already-" Peach started... I do agree with its use here though. Much cleaner than a ... which I tend to use.
Nice switch with the orb/simulator
He stood on two hind legs, an odd sight. But it made sense, since he had cybernetic hands. And he had cybernetic legs too, and feet. Which were also weird. He sits down funny because of it. It's just too much weirdness for the young alicorn, but she got used to it over the days. Changes of tense and jerky sentences, could do with cleaning up since this information is very important. Perhaps a little info on colour, materials and any cosmetic damage.
New Appleloosa was positioned at such a place in the wasteland that almost every traveller would visit it... 730 years on and we are still in the wasteland? Ok I will run with that for the time being.
A black and white border collie wandered in with him... The dog has survived 30 years?
They were marked as a neutral 'yellow' on his EFS- looks like he hasn't alerted them. Tense issues again, in several places. Should end... Looked like he hadn't alerted them.
Pegasus Civil War- the entire race almost eradicated themselves... Was this a recent event? If this is one that happened at the time of little Pip, 720 years would have let the population recover.
Good combat scenes. You also manage to move quickly, seeming without skipping details.
Overall, a good story developing, even with some of the holes and inconsistencies which are appearing. Since you are writing it all in one go you should be able to properly mix and blend plot lines unlike the chapter by chapter method.
If you are still looking, I would love to be an Editor and Pre-read for you.
3468691
Author of another FoE fic? Hell yeah I would love for you to be a pre-reader or editor for me! (Maybe pre-reader, since you have your own fic you're working on
. I think you can help a great deal story wise, judging from the things you listed above. Since the fic takes place quite a while after FoE, would you mind keeping me in line? I have a tendency to venture into places that just don't relate.)
To answer the problems you've listed though, since this is the first chapter and a preview I didn't quite have time to actually explain everything so here we go:
-Ardor(Rover's dog) has also gone cyborg(you'll find a TON of cyborgs in this fic), I won't spoil the reason here. Plus it may change as the story progresses.
-Pegasus Civil War is a doozy and I forgot about the time gap. Whoopsies, gotta change that
3472799 I am quite happy to pre-read. I will just do what I did here but in more detail as I go through. So editing as I read
Is it on here or G-Doc's?
Yeah, there was no way you would give everything away in the first chapter. Just useful to point out strange things that might lead you to problems.
And yes, my own Fic is plodding along fairly well
Based on your descriptions, I'm getting a very Cyberpunk-ish feeling here. A few things that need to be fixed though, varying degrees of grammatical errors in both the story description and the prologue.
1) I think you mean "Seven hundred years have passed since the events of the original Fallout Equestria"
2) Remove the dash and separate the sentences here, as well as some possible rewording "and a mysterious new variant of Taint has emerged from the shadows. Nicknamed 'Black', the necromatic slime turns anypony unfortunate enough to die in contact with it into a creature never before seen in Equestria."
1) Remove the colon before "Rover" and replace the semicolon after "mercenary" with just a comma.
2) You misspelled "Equestrian" here.
3) Again, remove the dash between "Alicorn female" and "for an unreasonably high price." And yes, Alicorn in this case is capitalized.
In terms of the prologue, unless this is presented as a transcript of the broadcast and not a live feed, you don't need to mention when a character clears their throat with an *ahem*. The asterisks alone make it look more like a forum RP than a serious radio recording.
The bolded line here just sounds wrong. You could say something like "We've got a ton of news for you tonight" or "a lot of news tonight" but not 'We have many news items". And again with the dashes! Remove all the dashes from this chapter, they serve no purpose here.
Words after ellipses aren't capitalized.
There's more, but this is long enough as it is. I can't find any fault with the story itself, I'm just pointing out that if there are clear mistakes in the very beginning of the story, especially the story description itself, then people will be less inclined to read any further.
3473041
My editor's going for the fimfic private message copy-paste method, so let's all go for that
3468671
I'm not sure if I replied to you or not yet hmmm. Sure you can pre-read, so long as you don't talk too much of the story to other people. Basically all you have to do is read and give advice story wise, the more feedback the better right? C2 will be available once it runs through the editor(and once I finish getting rid of some spelling mistakes) so I'm not sure when you can expect it, but keep an eye on your fimfic PM
3473883
). I'll try my best to learn from you though- just shoot it back over to me and I'll format it again for posting
I've sent a slightly revised C1 over to you, just to match up with a few plot points for what I have planned. I guess this is why going over the fic a dozen times on my own isn't going to help, since my understanding of grammatical correctness is faulty in itself(this sentence might just be an example. I'm not even sure
I'll also work on rewriting a description, since it really needs to be significantly shorter. I'll send that over to you for a makeover too if you don't mind
3477281
Nope you've not responded to me yet. Cool, well I look forward to reading it.
Is this story still going?
5372619
Yes. In this context, 'On Hiatus' means being written however not being posted.
So I take it that the "Rapture Hydrostable Program" was a resounding "Success" in terms of saving life (based on the cover alone) from the terrifying Megaspells, but failed dramatically in another unforseen fashion like Stable 3 did with the Pink Cloud, or Stable 29 with the nicked Water Talisman combined with the Crusader Maneframe trying to "Save" the population from the degradation of the pure water, or how Stable 90 was completely gutted by Goldenhooves before it was even occupied in on the Last Day.
In other news, I wonder if there might be any other "Hydrostables"?
hey Jasper77W: are you going to start writing on this story again, I would like to see more to it if you please
.