- Member Since 11th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen May 6th
SoullessDCLXVI
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
SoullessDCLXVI
Joined 11th Jun, 2012 ·
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5309074 Okay. I didn't exactly expect this to do stellar. But this. This is also unexpected. The hell I do wrong?
5309083 Disregard him. I shall take a shower, shave, and then read this.
You don't mind if my "critique" is a honest one, do you? Otherwise I shan't bother you.
5309117 Dude. Be brutal with that honesty.
Grammar and commas are your friends, don't be scared of them. I even disliked this before I could finish the first paragraph!
5309171 Thanks. Guess I should edit the fuck outta this. Damn I didn't expect this beat down. If only I could pull it and resubmit when corrected.
Author, I'm sorry you got hit with a bunch of undeserved downvotes. I haven't read anything beyond the first paragraphs of this story, but I can assure you, it doesn't look like it deserves zero appreciation.
If I get time, I'll give it an in depth read.
5309171 if you know anything about Dexter (which is what I assume this is a crossover with), that's a style of writing associated with it. It's similar to how Dexter thinks.
5309117 .......... seriously dude?
5309083 fact it makes no damn sense? maybe if it was something like dark humor or comedy maybe.............
also it negates all logical conclusions that can be made about the mane six. aka; why the fuck would a kill da evulz magic choose a bunch of monsters as its wielders?
5309186 But still I was confused because I didn't have what you would call. A "Proper introduction" to his problem. Thus, left me confused as I read on. Until further notice, I have left a down-vote. If you fix this story I might come back and change my review. ~ Silver Spoon
5309190 yeah, seriously, because all you did was leave a bunch of dots and not even a hint at real feedback
5309204
doesn't sound to me like you did much "reading on"
5309212 I read part of the first paragraph and that left me confused. I read on and left the dislike before I reached the last sentence.
5309248 right
you read literally the first paragraph and then gave up, deciding it was a shit story
trust me, because I speak from experience
that's the wrong way to form an opinion about a story
5309259 Horrifying grammar is what caught me. I'm sure I put out the right opinion.
5309186 Dude. Thank you, man. I was seriously starting to feel like shit. It's nice to know I got someone in my corner.
Somethings wrong with that sentence. It should be: Tonight's the night, and it's going to happen again, and again. It has to happen, just as it has happened many nights before.
Who are you talking about? If it is another character, please describe this character to me.
5309197 Added the comedy tag. I usually avoid that as I feel it's the one tag most difficult to live up to. But if you think it deserves it, thanks man.
5309292 The first point: No. That's pretty much straight from Dexter. Second point: Damn it, you're right. How'd I miss that?
Just got finished reading this story and i got to say apart from the creepy vibe i was getting from reading it, It wasnt bad except for the grammar. The grammar problem i can relate to because my first stories grammar problems were OVER 9000! Anyway the point is haters are always gonna hate and try to take in whatever praise you get from people like me and Regidar.
5309197 Yes, seriously. If you need explanation, look no further than to what the gent said: 5309212
5309171 The grammar in this isn't bad. Commas, though... I'm not able to judge those.
So, Mr. 5309120
First and foremost, I believe that you should add the Alternate Universe tag to this story, seeing as... well... y'know. Even though the Crossover tag auto-implies AU, I still think it is needed. Also, get rid of the comedy tag. It really doesn't fit. Right-o:
Twilight becoming a pony with antisocial personality disorder thanks to a dark magic spell was kind of a cop-out way to go, in my honest opinion. You could've easily taken her obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (which is canon) and add a backstory to it that lets us know just how much she was abused as a filly. Her antisocial (and please note that I shall refer to this word from here on out regarding its psychopathological meaning) tendencies would mix well with her obsessive-compulsive personality disorder; you've missed a grand opportunity. Granted, the focus of this story is: How Twilight's friends deal when learning that she's a sociopath, but you were the one who willingly tried to explain it to us, author.
Celestia being so... acceptive of it all is weird. Sure, she explains it with "I've got a maternal bond with you, Twilight" and tries to find a compromise, but that doesn't sit well with me. Luna, for instance, was her sister; and she still sent her to the moon for having dark powers. Granted², Luna became a threat to her government and life, whereas Twilight would be a minor nuisance. Still, I can't fathom the immaculate Celestia, as they paint her to be on the show (though, personally, she comes off more like an incompetent benevolent tyrant than an actual morally perfect being), to be so accepting of the fact. Especially so quickly. The fact that she suggests that Twilight should start using her newfound "powers" for good is even more creepy. However, I'm gonna roll with it for story's sakes. What doesn't sit well with me no matter how you tried to convey emotion, is the fact that Twilight, an antisocial pony, begs for Celestia to lock her up. Yes, sure, Twi's a good pony and some semblance of morality must've stuck (even if only in an "inate state" in her brain {more of a suggestion than an actual directive}), but she's an antisocial now. She should only look out for herself and should try with all her wits to outsmart Celestia into letting get be free, instead of begging for incarceration. This is also repeated when her friends reveal themselves all as serial killers; she should've been much more wary of them than that. She should've planned on finishing all of them off, even after they all reveal themselves, before she begrudgingly lets them live with only a promise that they won't tell.
This is something else that didn't sit with me well: Twilight's friends also being serial killers. I do not know if you did it in order to give this story a spin or what-have-you, but it doesn't work, really. They are the EoH, so they should be the epitome of goodness, morality
and cake. Even if I'm to allow them to exist as antisocials, then Twilight should really be considering how to off all of 'em during the whole ordeal. I mean, even though she's supposed to only care about herself, she is still abiding by the Celestial Code! And her friends just revealed themselves to be serial killers! Sure, they can claim that they only kill the bad ponies, but her obsessive-compulsive PD tendencies wouldn't allow her to believe them so quickly. Regardless of their friendship status (which should be nonexistent since antisocials are unable to experience any emotion other than thrill and frustration/anger)Also, Celestia sentencing a pony to death just because said pony badmouthed her sister sounds awfully immature. I know Upper Crust is a bitch in the show, which leads me to believe that this is exactly why you picked her to die. But still, that's so... authoritative of her... This, coupled with the fact that she knows nothing about antisocial PD, psychologically and psychiatrically, makes me wonder why the fuck Twilight hold her in such high regards when it comes to knowledge.
(Okay, I'm biased to dislike Celestia because she has, more than once, proven to be more incompetent than actually useful in the show, Even politically-wise.)
Now, I know that you might not know a lot about psychopathologies. And I don't expect you to, so I have no right to demand perfection from you. But a little reading about the subject beforehand would've done this story wonders. If you're so inclined, here's one (out of a series of) blog(s) that a friend of mine wrote. He likes the stuff.
Anyhow, for the closing paragraph. Despite my nitpicking with the psychopathological aspects, this was an enjoyable read. Not perfect, but definitely not as bad as two individuals try to make it look like. Could've improved on the gore department, as it's what honestly made me read this. If you like writing about psychopathologies, then you ought to give my friend's blog a read. You should also read a bit more on some more successful stories of this genre. You can clearly make stories like this one work, but you need some more time to ponder on both the story as a whole and its individual segments and how they make an impact on the story (as a whole). Also try to get someone to debate ideas with. But not someone who only agrees with you. Try to find someone with different opinions in order to have an earnest debate about the mechanics of the story.
PS: I liked the social commentary on corrective rape. Good job! Even though I do not like soap-boxing characters, I still think Twi should've given her a lecture in morality before finishing her off (hypocritical, I know, but that's another delicious slice of Twilight's mind you could explore: her cognitive dissonance). Alas, she was rather tired and had a picnic the following day. We all understand.
PPS: Nice beard!
5309405 For the most part you make very valid points. And I'm gonna read that blog here in a bit. That said, I'm going to defend a few choices I made.
1.) I hate Celestia. I paint her as incompetent and prone to emotional choices over logical ones in just about every story. If you feel I still could've handled her better that's understandable
2.) This was, at least in the beginning a Dexter Crossover, so Twilight needed a Harry and Celestia was in the part for the role. Dexter's transformation was due to a tragic event and I didn't want to copy paste that scene into this fic. This fic being a Dexter crossover is the same reason I use her, as you put it, "powers" for good. And as for Twilight desiring to be locked up, I guess I could have made it clearer that the change was slow, and the first thing was the urge to kill so at that point she knew only a desire to kill, but still had enough of her mind to know inherently that it was wrong. She was also still a filly at this point. Not sure I made that clear.
3) Twilight, in canon anyway, was technically asocial, rather than truly antisocial. Meaning she'd prefer to avoid people and social situations, but she'd still have empathy.
I admit that the way you believe Twilight to handle her friend's reveals makes more sense, logically. But I came into this story because I had read so many serial killer fics where the killer, one of the mane 6, was revealed and demonized and hated (rightly so) by her former friends. So I posed a what if. What if they were all killers and it made them closer?
Her friends never claimed any kind of moral high ground. Rainbow basically said she commits eugenics on her own race by killing children. It was Celestia that told Twilight they were off limits.
Yes. Yes it is.
Added in a bit of explanation for this.
Mind if I call on you in the future? Your review exposed gaping holes I couldn't even see, I could use that.
Okay, think that should about cover it. Maybe.
EDIT: Oh, thanks for the beard compliment. :)
Alright, i know everybody's hati.g on this fic, but IMO, its pretty awesome
5309524
That only happened once!
With the sombra x celestia comic that was universally hated, and rightfully so; however in the show that's a different story.
But this is your head canon so.... ye.
Good stuff though.
What is this a crossover of?
5309731 Dexter.
Besides the grammar I guess I could make an exception because it seems like a cool story. I left a like, hooray!
5309524 I don't particularly hate hate Celestia, but I will admit that she has shown--more than once--her incompetence as a ruler, a teacher and a friend. That and I'm not fond of monarchy, even a constitutional one.
Yes, you made it clear that she was a filly when first making contact with the dark magic. However, when I say that Twilight is now antisocial, like I said, I meant it regarding the psychopathology spectrum (and she actually has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder in canon). You said so yourself on the story that she becomes a psychopath, which is also a name given to people with antisocial personality disorder. I understand the reasoning behind you wanting to make her "transformation" into a real psychopath more gradual, but that isn't what happens in real life. Again, I can't demand perfection from you, because I do not know if you did a bit of learning on personality disorders prior to writing this. But she would "inherit" all of the psychopath traits that the syndrome brings forth. The desire to kill in psychopath is only secondary to how they try to derive pleasure from others. Hence why there are loads of psychopaths out there who don't kill: they found other ways to make people suffer and derive pleasure from it. Legal ones. My point is that if you only wanted to give her a blood thirst, you should've abandoned the word psychopath. Note that not all serial killers are actually psychopaths. There's a high chance that they are, I'll say, but it doesn't necessarily mean so.
Also, even though I knew this was a crossover, I've never watched Dexter before (I know the basics in order to roll with it). Still, Twilight seems pretty adept to the Celestial Code... so much in fact, that I'd think you should definitely explore her cognitive dissonance regarding how: 1) she should feel torn between considering her friends, well, friends or just potential targets (regardless that Celestia said they're off limits); 2) she should feel the need to kill them all out of her obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and her antisocial personality disorder, based on the fact that they are not good ponies, but struggle with it given that they're off limits; and 3) how she handles the hypocrisy (thinks she's a good pony by killing bad ponies -> unable to kill her friends).
Your what-if scenario is very, very amusing and interesting... but it's hard to write six people, all serial killers without sounding like a kid telling campfire stories to other kids (forgive me if this sounds rude). Your fanfic should've been a multi-chapter one, in order to allow Twilight time to embrace the fact that all of her friends are killers (and deal with her own cognitive dissonance in the process). That is merely my suggestion, though.... since, y'know, otherwise this story sounds somewhat lazily written/thought-out.
Well, you may hit me up in the future, but I don't know if I'll be able to get to you right away when you ask questions. Med school is a lot of work. I shall try, but no promises.
I really like this story.
Though, I'd have Twilight inspired by 'Saw'.