Twilight Sparkle knew she would eventually surpass her friends and they would pass on, but she never knew it could be so difficult to handle. After the second death she's had to deal with, Twilight begins to lose hope.
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DashieWashie
Joined 14th Jun, 2013 ·
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I will admit I did not read the story (explained below), so I cannot judge its content. Regarding structure, however:
1) On the internet, the preference is for paragraphs to be separated by a blank line. If you do not do this, many people will skip your fic on account of it being a "wall of text."
2) New paragraph, new speaker.
I skipped your story on account of point 1, so I cannot say anything more.
2829090
I tried to fix it, hopefully it looks better now.
Thanks for the constructive criticism! I must admit I have little to no knowledge on how to set these things up correctly
2829149
Point 2 is fixed, point 1 remains.
Not having written on this site, I don't know how to ensure a line break. You would need to find that out on your own or find somebody willing to help you by being an editor.
2829291
To be honest, I don't completely know what you mean by having the paragraphs "separated by a blank line" (but that's probably me being dense) and me being so new, i doubt i would be able to find an editor easily... Thanks again for your help
2829358
This is bad.
Paragraph 1
Paragraph 2
This is good.
Paragraph 1
Paragraph 2
2829610
Okay, I think it's pretty much fixed now. Thanks a lot for your help!
I'm seriously hurting right now, nice job!
"content relish" sounds really awkward.
Avoid using numbers; use words instead.
This would probably flow better as "Rainbow Dash peered out from behind her dulled rainbow mane, eyes bloodshot."
When, not went.
I think you mean Canterlot, unless this is some kind of AU.
that's, not that.
and soon..., not that soon...
-----
When you have a split quote i.e. "Speech" stuff "speech," unless the first speech section ends with a ?, !, or ..., always end the first section with a ","
You also still have a few paragraphs that don't have the extra line of white space between them.
Overall, it's okay. I personally don't like it enough to favorite or give it a thumbs up, but I also don't think it's bad enough to give it a thumbs down. The main problem (no fault of your own) is that this theme has been done to death, and so I'm jaded to it.
2830708
On account of this theme being done to death, I totally agree with you. But for my first fic, I wanted to do something a little easier. Also, since there haven't been any new MLP episodes in a while, and there was no way I was making a OC fic, I just went with this. Thanks again for the help!
Most of the little spelling errors and stuff have been fixed, thanks for pointing them out! But on account of the ending, yeah I know, it's pretty sappy. But, it was really the only way to wrap it up correctly. I couldn't just not leave anything there, because then Twi's last dialogue line would be pretty empty and not really satisfying... What I'm trying to say is I tried.
2830592
Thank you!
and starts crying before finishing reading the title