The clock struck two as Rarity put the finishing touches on her latest order. “Magnifique, another job well done!” Rarity exclaimed with pride as she trotted into the kitchen to brew herself a fresh batch of tea for her afternoon tea time.
A time which varied each day depending on what projects she was working on but it was always part of her daily ritual. Much like Twilight Sparkle with her checklists Rarity had tea making down to a science.
Rarity first began by checking her cupboards and deciding on which tea she would brew, each day she had a different feeling for which tea was right for which, time and occasion. Once she made her decision she would slowly put the ingredients into the kettle and carefully watch the kettle as it was boiling over the stove. Some of her friends and her sister Sweetie Belle thought Rarity was a bit obsessive about her tea but as she would often remind them “Good tea must simply not be rushed.”
Like a young foal waiting to open their presents on Hearth's Warming morning Rarity excitedly yet cautiously turned off the stove and used her magic to slowly move the kettle to the kitchen table, she sat down to her daily reward. Today is one of her personal favorites green tea. As Rarity was about to take her first sip she was interrupted by a loud thumping sound which caused her to drop her cup of tea onto the floor.
“Must this happen during tea time?” asked Rarity dejectedly as she prepared to clean up the mess. After cleaning up Rarity heard the same loud thumping sound once more, sensing that her tea kettle was about to fall to the floor she used her magic to levitate is back to the table.
“Losing one cup is bad enough but a whole kettle truly would have been dreadful, who or what in the name of Equestria is making that horrid racket?” Rarity began to wonder as she looked out the window, her eyes gazing at her sister Sweetie Belle and her friends Applebloom and Scootaloo playing outside.
“Today we will earn our cutie marks. Sweetie Belle? we need water stat.” Applebloom proclaimed with authority as Sweetie Belle turned on the hose.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders mud wrestlers yay!!!” the three excited fillies said as they hopped in the mud.
“How uncouth! Of all of the ways Sweetie Belle could try to earn her cutie mark-- but that can’t be what is causing this incessant noise.”
As Rarity continued looking out the window she noticed the house next door which has remained abandoned since she was just a young filly but something was different about it but she couldn’t put her hoof on it until she noticed a large carriage in front of the house loaded with furniture and assorted boxes which was surrounded by four burly earth pony stallions getting ready to carry their next load into the house. Her curious onlooking was cut short though by Sweetie Belle and her friends walking through the front door.
“Sweetie Belle you and your friends need to clean yourselves up before coming in here, you will attract cockroaches.”
“But Rarity…” Sweetie Belle said before she was interrupted
“No but’s young lady it’s bath time for you filthy fillies” Rarity said as she filled a large bucket full of soap and water.
The young fillies reluctantly hopped in despite their objections and given a bath in Rarity’s front yard. While she was giving them in what her opinion was a much needed wash she heard a familiar voice.
“Are ya’ll trying to get yer cutie marks in taking a bath now or did Rarity here strong arm you into it?”
“Applejack!” The three excited fillies yelled as they hopped out of the bucket.
“Applejack what brings you, here?”
“We are supposed to meet your new neighbors today, apparently they came from Manehatten and Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie insisted that they get a good welcome.”
“How could I forget? I got so wrapped up in this order that I…”
“Now there is no need to fret I figured that might be the case so I came early to remind you, I will finish up here.”
“Thanks Applejack.” Rarity said as she rushed back into her house to get ready.
“I trust ya’ll behaved for Rarity.” Applejack said as she looked each of them in the eye
“We did honest” Applebloom tried to convince Applejack as she held her hoof behind her back.
“Now Applebloom, you know how I feel about lying.”
“We tried to get our cutie marks in mud wrestling, and after we were done we tried to remind Rarity about the plans to meet the new neighbors but she flipped because we still had a little dried mud on us.” Scootaloo said
“Aw okay, just remember she is a bit of a neat freak and the last thing we all need is her to be gettin’ persnickety.” Applejack laughed “knowing Rarity she may take a while so I got a game for us to play while we are waiting.” Applejack said as she pulled a board game out of her knapsack.
While Rarity was scouring her closet for the perfect outfit Applejack and the three young fillies eagerly played their game not noticing how much time had passed as the others showed up.
“This is ridiculous, what is taking her so long?” Rainbow Dash complained as she paced around impatiently.
“Now Rainbow Dash, Rarity is probably nervous about meeting the new neighbors and probably wants to make a good first impression. If you are bored I have the latest Daring Do book which I am sure will help pass the time.” said Twilight.
“Awesome! Gimme gimme gimme!” Rainbow Dash said greedily as she rushed over to Twilight and grabbed the book. “That drama queen can take all the time she wants I want to see what adventure Daring Do has next.”
But before Rainbow Dash could open the book Rarity stepped out the door dressed in her finest.
“Ta ta I am ready to go.” Rarity said with pride as she sauntered out as if she were a model
“Aw dang it, oh well lets go the sooner we welcome the newbies the sooner I can get back to Daring Do. So let’s go already.” Rainbow Dash waved her hooves impatiently toward the house next door.
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUD WRESTLERS!!! That sounds like so much fun!
~Sweetie Belle
The story could use improved grammar, and I like to indent the dialouge, but It isn't quite necessary.
Good start though.
Very nice start. I agree with SecretPerson that the story could used some improved grammar, and maybe even improved spacing, and that I too like to indent each new paragraph, but this is a pretty fun set-up you got here Earthbending Prodigy! Can't wait to read chapter 2!!!
Definitely an original idea. XD Will be interesting to see how this goes.
To paraphrase Bayonetta, "Cockroaches. Why did it have to be cockroaches?"
NOTE: rather than review my story in turn, I would like to request Earthbending that you take a look at one of the other author's stories in our recently formed group instead and review theirs in turn. Should help encourage our system of reviewing here nicely.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: MLP Forums Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Rarity Get's Cockroaches
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Spelling seems perfectly fine, but some punctuation seemed to be missing at times, most notably commas or periods where they could have been used, and sometimes incorrect tenses were used, especially the present tense when the past should've been applied (there were a couple spots where I caught 'has' being used when 'had' should've been used instead).
Pros
-Premise makes for some potentially great comedy material, especially in the later stages of your fic, whenever those are released
-Personas of all characters seem accurate, especially Rarity's
-Gets to the point fast, especially important for comedy fics, which can suffer most from dragging their heels
Cons
-Some grammar concerns here and there, but nothing too serious
-A LOT happens in this first chapter, given its size. Given that this is the only chapter released so far, unclear if all proceeding chapters will or won't have this much happening, but if they do play out like this as well, it could take away from the humor. Some scenes will require some more development later on in the fic in order to achieve full comedic potential, even if you've got a short-sketches comedy in mind (i.e. I could easily see you writing multiple short sketches of Rarity dealing with her new cockroach neighbors in fashion similar to the Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry).
Notes Section
There's not a whole lot to say about your fic so far given its short size, but I am very optimistic about its direction and potential. You've certainly chosen a promising premise with lots of comedy potential, and your characterizations seem spot on. The bit at the beginning detailing Rarity's tea-time ritual is particularly appealing to me; it's something we haven't seen in the show, but it seems like something that just makes sense for her character. Nice balance of originality while still drawing from the source material nicely. The CMC bit is pretty funny too, and also sounds like something they'd get up to.
Besides that, again, I will caution that perhaps not quite so much will be able to take place in later chapters, at least if they're all of a similar, short size such as this. I can't really speculate whether that will or won't happen, but I just thought it was worth noting. Your few grammatical issues aren't that distracting. Overall, you've got a very promising fic here, and I wish you the best of luck with any and all future chapters! Can't wait to see more!!!
4401318 I do have to say I am proud of this, honestly Rarity is the hardest character for me to write because I have almost nothing in common with her and didn't like her that much at first when I first started watching the show. Ironically it is this friend of mine that is hard core Rarity hater that got me to start liking her, I remember saying to him "come on she can't be THAT bad" and writing this story has helped me see things from her point of view as well. As for chapter length when I write stories my introductions tend to be fairly short in part because I tend to have trouble with beginnings.
The 2nd chapter is clocking in at almost 4,000 words making it quite a bit longer than this one because it is going to introduce the neighbors as well as some other characters that are going to be very important to the story later on. Yes, without giving too much away later chapters will indeed have Loony Toons and Tom and Jerry style antics with things getting more and more over the top as the story goes along. My friend Inazuma who has helped my proofread and edit this thing has also come up with some good ideas and suggestions which I will implement. As you requested I will review one of the other stories in the group, I haven't decided which one yet but I should have that sometime tomorrow if not Monday.
Right-o. Time to return the review you gave me.
Grammar: 7/10 found a few punctuation errors. But by the looks of things, others told you them already.
Pros:
1. You got the Mane Six down pretty well
2. Loving the Diamond Dog neighbours.
3. Hate the Spoons, but I know the drill. They're being dicks now so they'll get their comeuppance later. Can't wait!
Cons
1. Holy crap did that argument escalate quickly.
2. Those punctation issues. Again, I'm quite certain others picked them up already.
3. Maybe too much going on for the first two chapters. I get it, there's new neighbours in town, but...
Notes: Proof read is always important. If you got a friend to read it, let them do so.
Thanks again for your review!