• Member Since 20th Oct, 2012
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EarthbendingProdigy


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As a mare who prides herself on cleanliness Rarity never had problems with things like cockroaches, until now. How did this happen and why? Read and find out.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 20 )

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUD WRESTLERS!!! That sounds like so much fun!

~Sweetie Belle :unsuresweetie:

The story could use improved grammar, and I like to indent the dialouge, but It isn't quite necessary.

Good start though.

Very nice start. I agree with SecretPerson that the story could used some improved grammar, and maybe even improved spacing, and that I too like to indent each new paragraph, but this is a pretty fun set-up you got here Earthbending Prodigy! Can't wait to read chapter 2!!! :twilightsmile:

Definitely an original idea. XD Will be interesting to see how this goes.

To paraphrase Bayonetta, "Cockroaches. Why did it have to be cockroaches?"

NOTE: rather than review my story in turn, I would like to request Earthbending that you take a look at one of the other author's stories in our recently formed group instead and review theirs in turn. Should help encourage our system of reviewing here nicely. :twilightsmile:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: MLP Forums Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Rarity Get's Cockroaches

Grammar score out of 10: 7
Spelling seems perfectly fine, but some punctuation seemed to be missing at times, most notably commas or periods where they could have been used, and sometimes incorrect tenses were used, especially the present tense when the past should've been applied (there were a couple spots where I caught 'has' being used when 'had' should've been used instead).

Pros
-Premise makes for some potentially great comedy material, especially in the later stages of your fic, whenever those are released
-Personas of all characters seem accurate, especially Rarity's
-Gets to the point fast, especially important for comedy fics, which can suffer most from dragging their heels

Cons
-Some grammar concerns here and there, but nothing too serious
-A LOT happens in this first chapter, given its size. Given that this is the only chapter released so far, unclear if all proceeding chapters will or won't have this much happening, but if they do play out like this as well, it could take away from the humor. Some scenes will require some more development later on in the fic in order to achieve full comedic potential, even if you've got a short-sketches comedy in mind (i.e. I could easily see you writing multiple short sketches of Rarity dealing with her new cockroach neighbors in fashion similar to the Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry).

Notes Section
There's not a whole lot to say about your fic so far given its short size, but I am very optimistic about its direction and potential. You've certainly chosen a promising premise with lots of comedy potential, and your characterizations seem spot on. The bit at the beginning detailing Rarity's tea-time ritual is particularly appealing to me; it's something we haven't seen in the show, but it seems like something that just makes sense for her character. Nice balance of originality while still drawing from the source material nicely. The CMC bit is pretty funny too, and also sounds like something they'd get up to.

Besides that, again, I will caution that perhaps not quite so much will be able to take place in later chapters, at least if they're all of a similar, short size such as this. I can't really speculate whether that will or won't happen, but I just thought it was worth noting. Your few grammatical issues aren't that distracting. Overall, you've got a very promising fic here, and I wish you the best of luck with any and all future chapters! Can't wait to see more!!!

4401318 I do have to say I am proud of this, honestly Rarity is the hardest character for me to write because I have almost nothing in common with her and didn't like her that much at first when I first started watching the show. Ironically it is this friend of mine that is hard core Rarity hater that got me to start liking her, I remember saying to him "come on she can't be THAT bad" and writing this story has helped me see things from her point of view as well. As for chapter length when I write stories my introductions tend to be fairly short in part because I tend to have trouble with beginnings.

The 2nd chapter is clocking in at almost 4,000 words making it quite a bit longer than this one because it is going to introduce the neighbors as well as some other characters that are going to be very important to the story later on. Yes, without giving too much away later chapters will indeed have Loony Toons and Tom and Jerry style antics with things getting more and more over the top as the story goes along. My friend Inazuma who has helped my proofread and edit this thing has also come up with some good ideas and suggestions which I will implement. As you requested I will review one of the other stories in the group, I haven't decided which one yet but I should have that sometime tomorrow if not Monday.

Have you ever notice that there's no mention of a girl Diamond Dog?

*reads unpleasant episode with the Spoons at the start of the chapter*:

myfacewhen.net/uploads/4359-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg

:rainbowlaugh:

Nice chapter EP, can't wait for the next one. :twilightsmile:

4496369 You haven't seen nothing yet, things are going to escalate a lot further than that later on. I was originally going to put Filthy Rich and his wife in there but the spoons was my editor/proofreaders suggestion. With that said though Filthy Rich might still have a role in the story, though I haven't really decided whether or not that will be the case. I was originally going to have this scene and the party one both be part of this chapter but splitting them in two I think is going to make the transition a bit easier. I might do some work on chapter 3 tomorrow if I have time, if not then probably Friday.

I see that you added this to the "I Just Want a Comment" group. Well, here is my input: there should not be an apostrophe in "Gets" in the title.

Actually, I've only submitted to the Fimfiction Authors Helping Authors group, which Batbrony's also in, but close enough. I might add a fic to the MLP forums one, though. :raritywink:

Story: Rarity Gets Cockroaches

Grammar: 4/10
Grammar is understood but a little flawed. Not leaving a blank line in between paragraphs was confusing, and some of your punctuation is off. For example, this section:

“Today we will earn our cutie marks, Sweetie Belle we need water stat.”

I'd render this as "Today, we will earn our cutie marks. Sweetie Belle? We need water, stat."

“Cutie Mark Crusaders mud wrestler’s yay!!!” the three excited fillies said as they hopped in the mud.

Get rid of that apostrophe. Since they don't really pause in the show when they do that, the lack of comma before 'yay' is acceptable.

“How uncouth, of all of the ways Sweetie Belle could try to earn her cutie mark but that can’t be what is causing this incessant noise.”

I believe Rarity is jumping trains of thought here, right? So, "How uncouth! Of all the ways Sweetie Belle could try to earn her cutie mark -- but that can't be what is causing this incessant noise."

(Good word choice for Rarity, by the way)

Pros:

1. Really good Rainbow Dash writing. It sounds just like her!
2. Very nice double meaning on "new neighbors" judging from the title.
3. CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUD WRESLTERS!

Cons:
1. Grammar issues were a bit distracting.
2. I wasn't a fan of using asterisks to convey noises in narrative. *ding dong ding*
3. Mane 6 gettin' a little confrontational with Silver Spoon's parents a little fast. :applejackunsure:

Notes:
Fun premise and ideas you're introducing here, and having accurate character dialogue is magnifique. I think that another proofread could help a lot.

4511132 Oh, I guess what threw me off was how he said "mlp forums" in his review, but I suppose that is no harm no foul.

Thanks for the suggestions, I fixed the mistakes you pointed out and took out the *ding dong* thing because I guess I didn't even need it anyway. Is the remark about not leaving blank spots between paragraphs about paragraph spacing?

4511616 Yeah, it was about paragraph spacing. I'm one of those people whose eyes glaze over without that little bit of white space.

Right-o. Time to return the review you gave me.

Grammar: 7/10 found a few punctuation errors. But by the looks of things, others told you them already.
Pros:
1. You got the Mane Six down pretty well
2. Loving the Diamond Dog neighbours.
3. Hate the Spoons, but I know the drill. They're being dicks now so they'll get their comeuppance later. Can't wait!
Cons
1. Holy crap did that argument escalate quickly.
2. Those punctation issues. Again, I'm quite certain others picked them up already.
3. Maybe too much going on for the first two chapters. I get it, there's new neighbours in town, but...

Notes: Proof read is always important. If you got a friend to read it, let them do so.

Thanks again for your review!

:duck: "Spikey precious scales ,Can you please deliver this to my new neighbors ?":raritywink: You need to open it when they answer the door."

Spike knocks on the door , It opens as the box he has does the same PEPPER! "Hi ,I'm Spike I'm here to say , , , Ahhhhhh Chooooooo, FoooooooM!"

:moustache:A burst of green flame and the contents of the neighbors house vanished. . .wOoF?

:trollestia: "Who in tartarus are you to interrupt my Royal bath ?":facehoof:

:raritystarry::moustache: "My hero once again !

Nice to see an update. Though I would put the vid as a link instead right in the middle of the story.

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