The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.
Nightmare Moon has made an unwanted return, and this time she has her own army. No longer the Elements of Harmony but Team Harmony, an elite protection force for the sun goddess herself, the mane six find themselves in the middle of war. But everything changes when one of them goes rouge. Can they use their new military skills to save their friend and their country?!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First off, I like the idea of the story. A war with technologies that we have today and the two princesses battling it out. It's pretty good, but I wish you could've used realism in this.
For one, unless this place is a different dimension or what not, they had nothing this advanced in Equestria at that time, and I'm sure they can't create it and manufacture it in that small bit of time, magic or not.
Also, you made a couple of mistakes. For one, in the beginning of your story, you should've separated the speech sentences into a new paragraph other than keeping it as part of a bunch sentence, but you only did this in the beginning.
Finally, you should revise this sentence:
It's okay, but I think you should twinge it just a bit to make it more comprehensible.
All-in-all, this story wan't too shabby.
2811597 thanks for the feedback. i fixed what you had found a problem with, and thanks for saying it wasnt too bad. i was worried i had completely messed up.
2811687
Trust me, if it was completely messed up, there would be a whole page dedicated to its mistakes. Nah, just kidding.
Frankly, like I said, it wasn't shabby at all. The idea was excellent and the war was a good idea. The only problem was your grammar errors, like every other person has! The other one was, like I also said, being realistic about the technology thing, but I can over look that.
(Side Note: Picking a John Joseco picture as your cover, nice call! :))
I have to say that i like this. I will be keeping a track of this one. Keep up the good work.
~B
The story's not bad, my friend
. But I have to admit I am a bit disappointed that it's so short
. I was expecting something more from you on this chapter. But never mind me. It's just a suggestion. As a whole, this story's well constructed. I pray that you will increase the length of your chapters in the near future. I should know because most of mine are well over 10,000 words
. If you have the time, come see it for yourself.
That was really good keep up the good work
muy buen trabajo me encanto espero el proximo capitulo
2883809 ... i hate you, francis.