Twilight Sparkle has been the Princess of magic for a while now, but she has started having feelings for a certain stallion by the name of Comet Rider. Will she be able top tell him or will she be too shy to?
Chapters (1)
Princecometrider
Joined 19th Feb, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- ThatBronyWithTheClipOns · 19k words · 390 12 · 9.5k views
- Onomonopia · 95k words · 1,105 71 · 16k views
- Goldfur · 105k words · 359 22 · 6.1k views
- DJSkywalker · 8.4k words · 83 2 · 1.1k views
- Dark0592 · 18k words · 94 14 · 3.8k views
- White Dragon · 7k words · 95 15 · 2.9k views
- TheHardie-Boy · 86k words · 105 19 · 3.4k views
- BlueSun52 · 45k words · 109 21 · 6.2k views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.221 seconds
Total duration
769 users online
835,118 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Unless you're really good at building up a main character (a.e; his/her faults, weaknesses, dreams, aspirations, pet peeves,etc.) Then we as the reading body will NOT like your story.
And what you've basically done is shoved a blonde(just because it isn't read doesn't mean it doesn't count) and black OC in our faces while screaming "YOU WILL LOVE HIM!!"
Yeah, don't care about some generic OC Gary Stu love story with the main cast.
2810688 I don't expect you to like Comet. Not many do
2810695 Then why did you read it then genius?
2810711
Because if I don't read it I cannot know if the story is good or not ? Genius.
Let's see...
An alicorn? Strike one.
Black coat? Strike two.
Twilight has a crush on him? Fuck this shit.
2810722 and he isn't a gary stu, gary stu's are like way overpowered. Comet can still be killed like anypony else
2810729 Wow you must be racist against black ponies
2810729
At least he doesn't have a red mane.
So we got an alicorn, black coat, yellow mane, and instantly loves Twilight. Because Character development is for wussies.
2810732 I know you think that makes him less of a gary stu but it really doesn't. an alicorn is one of the closest things to a god in equestria, ergo your oc is overpowered and lame and by proxy you as well.
might i also note that even though your character went on a rampage of dark power everyone just forgave him, then what was the point of it if almost nothing changed.
2810767 No you got it wrong, Twilight loves him because of the time they have spent together
2810765 Hehe that was kinda good
2810768 No, Celestia and Luna are like gods. Yes they are alicorns but they have been alive for like a thousand years. Comet isn't all powerful since hes been alive 18 years
I don't even need to read the story to know what the hell happens. The presence of a piss-poor Alicorn OC does not help your case. You may as well proclaim 'HERE IS A TERRIBLE ORIGINAL CHARACTER BECAUSE I HAVE NO IMAGINATION'.
You want us to be interested in your character? Give us his history, tell us who and what he is. Show us through their actions just what sort of pony your OC is. Don't just shove him in our faces. You seem like one of those annoying parents who go around demanding people think their baby is the greatest thing in existence.
The inherent problem with an Alicorn OC is the fact that they are, as stated above, as close as you can get to being a god in Equestria. There are only four canon Alicorns, and people will already come into a story introducing another with skepticism. If you want an OC that's different, but won't get you lynched, try a griffon, or a zebra. Hell, go for a hippogriff. I don't think I've seen that.
2810804 First off, his history is my other story The Return to Darkness. And second, think of it from a frigging logical sense. he has been around 18 years, Celestia and Luna have been around 1000 years. He is not like a frigging god
2810812
No, you misunderstood.
Age is irrelevant when it comes to Alicorns. No matter their age, they all possess god-like (or near god-like) power. The only limiting factor is experience. Unless you have a completely concrete reason for their existence, people WILL downvote on principal. There have been so many terrible Alicorn OC stories in the past that people have stopped trying to perform quality control and just go for the 'kill them all' approach.
As for being in a previous story, is that anywhere in your description? Maybe you should mention that?
That, and Celestia and Luna have been around for MUCH longer than 1000 years. After all, that's how long Nightmare Moon/Luna was imprisoned for. Are you saying that Celestia popped into existence and began ruling?. Get your canon straight before writing fanfiction.
2810853 Um they never said where the hell Celestia and Luna came from so how can I say where they came from. And 18 years of experience in magic isn't godhood.
2810853 Oh and......Ain't no party like a pewdiepie party
2810855
No, AGAIN you fail to understand what I am saying.
An Alicorn is basically a god. No ifs, buts or maybes. It is just the way things are in Equestria. It doesn't matter how old they are, they will always possess that incredible power. The only difference age makes is how experienced they are. You ever see the Disney Hercules movie? That's the kind of thing I'd expect from an 18-year-old Alicorn, except with more explosions.
As for where Luna and Celestia came from, it does say in THE INTRO TO THE FIRST EPISODE that they ruled together before Luna went crazy. From that it is PERFECTLY reasonable to think that they ruled (and lived) for many years before that happened.
2810873 Your asking me to say HOW they came into power. so YOU fail to understand
2810881
Wow, your grip on language must be more tenuous than I thought. Nowhere did I say that. Anywhere.
2810891 You did say "Are you saying that Celestia popped into existence and began ruling?." How the hell am I supposed to know where she came from? And besides.....this all isn't the point...the point is.....ain't no party like a PewDiePie party!
2810897
Grab a dictionary. Look up the word 'rhetorical'. That's what kind of question that was.
And that is not a point, that is an annoying internet joke that wasn't even funny to begin with, stop that.
2810907 BUUUUTTT WHHYYYYY? There really ain't no party like a PewDiePie Party! Thumbs up this comment those who agree
2810918
Mate, this ain't Facebook. Stop trying. The advice I gave you in the first comment of this chain was all valid.
2810928 Haters gonna hate but there ain't no party like a PewDiePie party
started reading this cuz i saw all the negative comments and thought it was just blind baseless ragehate cuz of the description and OC pic/image.
LOLNOPE, THIS STORY SUCKS.
2810938 Ain't no party like a PewDiePie party
2810940
loldisguy.
dafuq does that even mean? is that what you kids call getting high these days? i thought it was toking it up.
2810941 Haters gonna hate
2810946
lol, i ain't a hater. being a hater means i'm just hating cuz hate. i've read this story. i've good reason to not like it. i don't hate it, though. it ain't worth the stress that hate brings with it.
2810946 We ain't hatin', we just don't like shit. Unless it's a good shit.
2810949 Ain't no party like a PewDiePie Party!
2810952 Haters gonna hate but there ain't no party like a PewDiePie party
2810953
lol. at this point, since you can't really come up with something smart to say, all i can really say is
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS1vJnmmPqpg4IjC4G-I69ERFjNxDtarIg3BAXm0EE_-sgxbplF
hey, remember that Mr. Ignorable guy you blocked cuz you are an utter wuss? this is from him!
1: Stop complaining about people not liking your story. It's bad alright? It's a blond and black Oc who's in love with Twilight with NO backstory on that, and the fact that the story title is General Zoi's doesn't help.
2. Stop arguing with the reading body. It is futile and you're only making yourself look like a fool.
3.
This is an AU tagged story. MAKE SOMETHING UP.
2810972
2810732
Can he now? Hmm... Perhaps you should demonstrate this in a future fanfic by having someone kill him. Maybe Twilight could stab him in the gut with her horn after he makes a stupid PewDiePie joke. That'd be an instant thumb-up from me.
2811014
i cannot thumbs this up enough
2810957
Shut the fuck up, it's like you keep saying that to ignore what they say. It's like you are putting your fingers in your ear and screaming LALALALALALAL I CAN'T HEAR YOU! You look like a fucktard right now.
Hey, you want an OC to work with?
sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/560827_417102835021796_1974467970_n.jpg
2810855
As an author you can re-imagine the original content how ever you like. Its your world to create and control as you please. If the original content doesn't answer a question that gives you free rein to make up your own theories that work well with the story you are trying to write. When you say something like "They never explain it so how should I know?" its just excuse make for lack of creativity.
You say that he isn't a god because he has only been around for 18 years, so he isn't powerful and therefore not a Gary Stu. Well you don't seem to fully understand what a Gary Stu is than because there is more to it than just being powerful. Some other characteristics are that the character becomes friends with/ falls in love with one of the main 6. Not only do you have that happen it happens "Off Screen" so to speak. You just start your story off with Twilight in love with him. Gary Stu's also have what one might describe as a tragic past. Well you set that up in the third paragraph of your story.
"he had a tragic past that involved his family and a darkness that he inherited."
Then there is this part.
"Sadly he had a tragic past that involved his family and a darkness that he inherited. He was the eldest son of princess Luna and a stallion that was once the captain of the royal guard and her big brother’s teacher, Spirit Riser. In the past, Nightmare moon came earlier than expected but was weakened by the early return, losing much of her power and leading to her capture. Only Spirit was kind to her, causing the Nightmare Moon persona to slowly slip away and the two to fall in love.
Tragedy befell the two however when Nightmare Moon’s darkness seemed to come back just after Luna gave birth to triplets, Comet Rider, Emerald Shine and Star Shower. Giving birth had weakened Luna, causing Nightmare Moon to come back and become resealed in the moon with her foals having to be raised by Spirit and Celestia."
Normally that would be its own story all together, yet you have it squeezed into the first chapter. In fact, that seems to be a theme of this first chapter. Just glance over everything interesting or that requires MUCH more development. You basically skip over anything that might make an engaging or interesting story so you can just dive right into Twilight wanting to jump your OC.
You even somehow managed to squeeze in a 7th element plot line. And I do me squeezed. Your entire time dedicated to the fact that there is a 7th element (again, a concept that would normally be a whole story itself) is "After causing much destruction and sorrow, he would be turned back to normal with the six remaining elements. But because there was only six instead of seven, Comet would still have the darkness in him."
"Over time, ponies forgave Comet for the misdeeds he had performed..." Just like that than? Potentially killed thousands of ponies, but everyone just forgave him. Again, Comet seeking forgiveness could have been its own story.
Your story isn't all that creative and anything of interest is glanced over in favour of having Twilight be in love with your OC. You should also really get an editor to look at your story because its plagued with grammar errors and terrible wording.
If you want a good story. Drop all the Twilight in love BS and focus on some of the other idea's you have and build up the character of Comet. The main issue with Gary Stu stories is they suffer from what I call "Skipping the journey." You are taking this character with this huge complicated past and plopping them in a story without explaining anything; everything that defines them as a character happened in the past. If you want readers to feel engaged and interested in the story you have to give us reason to.
2810774
Have you shown us this?
You need to expand this, SHOW us that Twilight and Comet have been friends, SHOW us that they've known each other for a while, SHOW us his past.
Telling us is boring.
Show the readers your character development and relationships developing, rather than giving us an already developed relationship.
Why's he cheating on Rainbow Dash?
Also, your exposition is boring and poorly worded. Write more story to this story, please.
2811085 I'll keep that in mind thanks
2811631 He's not cheating on rainbow dash. This is a different storyline, I will ensure I put it into my next chapter
2811532 Ok thanks for your comment