It all started October 7th, 2010 at 3:57 P.M. My 16th birthday. An unusually smart red-head, I knew a LOT about cars for my age. Surely living in the wealthiest county in all the United States would assure me I'd get my dad's Suburban and a full tank of gas, right? What if THAT happened, but a little bit more as well..?
I ended up in a land called "Equestria". I have a different body and a horrible case of amnesia. Greeted by two regal ponies after waking from some sort of coma, I'm released and to live with one known as "Twilight Sparkle". A beautiful princess I can't take my mind off of. Will I recover and go back home, or will my interest in Twilight possess me and keep me in this peaceful land?
Chapters (5)
Well, it certainly is something interesting you have here. ...If it is something that I personally like, has to be discovered...
Anyway,
Critical look
- From the looks of it, your grammar and spelling have made some major improvements over the last couple of weeks since I read any of your works.
- The premise is something that has done countless times before I'm afraid though. Human landing in Equestria and such. If I may make a suggestion, since the story is unreleased at the time of writing, try to change it up. starting off with Twilight and Celestia, two of the most powerful beings in the land, kinda iffy.
- The whole 'I' perspective appears to be done rather well within my own eyes. However, given how I read very little and thus don't have a lot of experience with it, it's hard to judge it for a general look.
- For a first chapter, it is a good size. You get to know the character, mostly the human becoming the unicorn, a bit and I hope that in the later chapters, you take a different road with him then what most others do. I shall await with patience what you are planning to do with it.
Personal look
It's, something interesting, I admit that. Though there are a few personal point I want to address here. And keep in mind these are deeply personal and in no way have an effect on the overall rating.
- It has been done countless times before... Seriously, HiE fics have been done since the dawn of MLP: FiM.
- They kept him in coma for two years!? Then again, it is possible...given how one of the Dutch princes has been kept in coma for, a little over a year by now.
- Thank Celestia you didn't made him an alicorn. That is really one of the major up side points you can give me when you let me read a story of this kind.
And, this is just as a note, you spoke to me that there were 3 chapters, I have only been able to read one.
Overall, not a bad story, can go fairly much every direction as it is. I would give it a 7,5 out of 10.
Just and update. Any errors I may have, just tell me and I will get to it. Your comment will most likely be deleted, but the errors will be corrected by then.
2811596 that why the have human in the type of storys
2820926
You're not making any sense at all to me right now.
I'm right there with u man people hate on my stories but I mainly write them for the fun in writing. Anyways this story is really interesting and has a lot of potential keep on writing
2827445
Thanks, you have no Idea how much this truly means to me!
2827804 no problem
*****UPDATE***** FiMFiction finally added an anthro tag. MAY MY DREAMS BE UNLEASHED IN FULL THROTTLE!!
awesome chap.
2972652
Thanks mate, this means much to me!
Good and confusing at the same time PARADOX
! BTW why such fast development you could have given him 2 chaps in the Hospital just to make sure and to study his amnesia (HATE THAT GAME) !
2988478
RUN, STEPHANO! SAVE YOURSELF!!!
2972652
Next?