My new life in Equestria

by Razor Colorado

The main question.

October 7th, 2010, 3:57 P.M. Northern Virginia

I woke up on the spot and looked up to the clock on my phone, an Ocean Blue Samsung Intensity II. It read "3:57 P.M." Well, the ala- wait? What? 3:57 P.M.? Jesus Christ, I could've sworn I set the alarm for Noon! I realized I haven't changed my clothes last night, so I was still in my Forest Camo shirt and nylon shorts. Hell, I was out at the track for so long, I forgot to take off my black fingerless racing gloves and shoes! To hell with it, I was getting a car today! I went downstairs to find a note. "On vacation, be back in a MONTH" What in the name of God were they thinking? Well, I had my licence, and I had the keys, finally the day has arrived. I went back to the Garage and there she was... A Grayish-Silver 2002 Chevrolet Suburban 1500 4x4, with a big V8 and big ass tyres! I saw my dad spent all week cleaning it up, and now it looks better than new. The scratches redone, the cupholders and seats restored (Despite the fact the damage was practically nothing.), windows cleaned clear, chrome package replaced, anything I could've thought of. I hit the unlock button on the clicker, opened the driver's door, sat down and went straight to the ignition. My phone fully charged, with a charger, a solar charged car battery. I shifted to Drive and turned off the e-brake, and off we went. The gas tank was near empty... Cheap sonnuvabitch! Around an hour later, I was finally at the off-road trail. Gas pedal and braking ensued.

August 4th, 2013, 2:16 A.M. Location Unknown

Ugh, my head! Agonizing pain... make it stop!!

I heard a faint, blurry beeping of a pulse meter. My body was numb, I felt nothing, I couldn't move... I know nothing about my life, nothing of who I am, nothing I like or hate, nothing. Something was over my eyes.

I heard something being lightly dipped into a thick liquid. "He seems to be doing just fine." A feminine voice whispered.

"Twilight, he hasn't moved for more than two years, we have to send him away. Can you imagine how much pain he's in?" A deeper feminine voice whispered back to her.

I fought to get back my bodily control, it took several minutes, but it was a massive challenge to move. I could barely raise what I thought was my arm.

The higher voice spoke. "He must be waking!"

Agonizing pain started to surge through my body again, I fell stiff again as I pressed my foreleg to my chest.

Something held me down, I hadn't a clue what did it. "Just hold still." She said. It was the higher voice.

Something surrounded my body, I don't know what, bet it released my muscles. I slowly uncovered my eyes, I was looking into a pair of purple eyes. I couldn't look away, something said "she did this, you have to thank her, so I did, as kindly as I could.

They looked into mine. A hoof covered my lips. "Shhhh..." It was the higher voice from before. "Just hold still." She stood to the side of my bed, that's when I noticed I was in a hospital. She pointed to a needle in my foreleg. "You need to stay still."

Something didn't seem right, but it all felt in the ordinary, aside from the pain I was in.

"How did I get here..?" My voice was faint and scratchy. I couldn't hold my curiosity any longer.

"We found you just outside of the Everfree forest." I heard the deeper voice, it had a white coat and a multicolor mane. It had wings and a horn, along with a smaller, purple one I couldn't take my mind off of.

I looked at my body in amazement.

"What?" she asked, very confusedely.

I couldn't tell her, but the question was still in my mind, "What the hell happened to me?" I sat up.

She put a hoof on my back. "See, he's fine."

"I see." The larger one said. I saw her seeming a bit... Unsure.

"I... Have a couple questions."

"Of course." The short purple one said, levitating a quill and a notebook.

"First, where am I, and... What am I?"

She wrote down exactly what I said, I'm sure of it! "You are in Ponyville in Equestria, and you are a unicorn." She wrote that down also. Where the hell is some portal at? I need a map! Something, please!

Hold on, a unicorn? I felt my forehead and there it was, a horn. My coat was a light bluish-gray, I looked into my reflection in the tile, a black mane, black as a Glock. "Wow..."

I noticed a pattern, whenever somebody acts strangely or speaks, she writes it down in an excessive amount of detail, like a biography. "Who and... What are you?"

My thought was right, she wrote something down every time any of us spoke. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my teacher, Princess Celestia. We are both alicorns."

"And... When can I leave..? I don't..."

"You don't what?"

"I don't know anything about myself..."

She gasped, in shock. "Oh my... A case of amnesia..." She wrote more in the notebook.

"Ehh.." Celestia nudged Twilight.

"Shh, we don't want no confuse him."

"Okay."

Twilight spoke up. "Y- you could stay with me, if you like."

I would stay with her? "But I just met you."

Twilight giggled. "True, but really, I could use a roommate."

I shrugged. "Only if you insist."

She giggled again. I think he's ready to go!"

Princess Celestia nodded. "Very well. We shall release him at noon."

"Now, go to sleep, I'll be here to pick you up." Twilight placed a hoof on my back. "Okay?"

I nodded, laid and closed my eyes.

Princess Celestia left the room first.

"Just go to sleep now." Twilight pressed her hoof to the tile and left the room as well.

I was asleep before I could even tell, the sound of Twilight Sparkle's voice echoed throughout my head all night. But that's not all I sensed.

Comments

[Rarity Belle]

Well, it certainly is something interesting you have here. ...If it is something that I personally like, has to be discovered...

Anyway,

Critical look
- From the looks of it, your grammar and spelling have made some major improvements over the last couple of weeks since I read any of your works.
- The premise is something that has done countless times before I'm afraid though. Human landing in Equestria and such. If I may make a suggestion, since the story is unreleased at the time of writing, try to change it up. starting off with Twilight and Celestia, two of the most powerful beings in the land, kinda iffy.
- The whole 'I' perspective appears to be done rather well within my own eyes. However, given how I read very little and thus don't have a lot of experience with it, it's hard to judge it for a general look.
- For a first chapter, it is a good size. You get to know the character, mostly the human becoming the unicorn, a bit and I hope that in the later chapters, you take a different road with him then what most others do. I shall await with patience what you are planning to do with it.

Personal look
It's, something interesting, I admit that. Though there are a few personal point I want to address here. And keep in mind these are deeply personal and in no way have an effect on the overall rating.

- It has been done countless times before... Seriously, HiE fics have been done since the dawn of MLP: FiM.
- They kept him in coma for two years!? Then again, it is possible...given how one of the Dutch princes has been kept in coma for, a little over a year by now.
- Thank Celestia you didn't made him an alicorn. That is really one of the major up side points you can give me when you let me read a story of this kind.

And, this is just as a note, you spoke to me that there were 3 chapters, I have only been able to read one.

Overall, not a bad story, can go fairly much every direction as it is. I would give it a 7,5 out of 10.

[Razor Colorado]

Just and update. Any errors I may have, just tell me and I will get to it. Your comment will most likely be deleted, but the errors will be corrected by then.

[brodash]

2811596 that why the have human in the type of storys

[Rarity Belle]

2820926

You're not making any sense at all to me right now.