A fan history of what may be the first Alicorn of the FiM Universe. In a world where chaos and friendship reign, an unlikely guy realizes that he is destined to be a part of the origin of the first alicorn of Equestria.
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Shadow Flame
Joined 27th Jun, 2013 ·
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Shoopty poopty poo, the chapters gotta be longer.
pbs.twimg.com/media/BI0RAhdCQAAfXeS.jpg:large
I came everywhere.
Leave now, and never come back.
F*ck me sideways with a chainsaw. This is terrible. This might be your first story, but if you continue with this there's a good chance it will be your last.
Not only is it a self-insert Brony in Equestria story, the brony turns into a freaking Alicorn. Already you've got three strikes against you and you haven't even written 2000 words yet. Congratulations, I think that's a record.
There are several reasons why these things are not fondly looked upon and when you combine them, the faults are just increased exponentially.
A self-insert is bad. And don't try to tell me it isn't a self insert. The name in the story is Joshua, your name is Joshua according to the caption on the picture and your screen name is the same as your OC Alicorn's name in the story. Whenever you make a wish fulfillment self-insert story try to make it less obvious. Give him a different name and never use your screen name as your OC's name.
A Brony in Equestria story is the Human in Equestria's younger, mentally challenged brother. The reason being, you know about the show to begin with so you know stuff about the characters and even plot points. It also means that Equestria is somehow real which begs the question, how did the creators of the show figure this out? DId they have mystical visions or is this all an incredible co-incidence.
And the 800 pound gorilla in the room is the Alicorn. Never make your self-insert wish fulfilment OC an Alicorn. Never. You might as well just change your OC's name to Gary Stu or Aleksey Vayner and be done with the subtlety because "Impossible is nothing". An Alicorn is practically a god and gods are able to do whatever they want because they're gods and have the power.
Your writing needs work, it's not terrible but it's not good either. Just ditch the alicorn and the brony and get yourself an editor, And also learn to write longer chapters.
2794801
Amen.
2794668
Holy crap, this is shit!
Never ever ever have I seen 1 complete chapter, in one go without scrolling.
I cant even like this ironically..
I cant even pretend to like this as a joke
wait lemme see... I... LIEK TH3S UGHHH I CANT DO IT, I CANT SAY IT IM BLEEDING OUT OF MY MOUTH
2795537
2796881
Go fuck yourself
2796881 I've been wondering what is up with that video and why does it make your mutual acquaintance so angry? Is it some sort of in-joke?
2797695 Ask Umachan. I am litereally too busy and too drunk totalk about tit.
2794801 would you be able to explain this 2796881 video then?
And I didn't think it was possible for people to butcher this incredibly simple word any more than it already has. First it was 'prolouge', now this.
Oh, and the story itself isn't much better.
To address the people now, you are all a bounce of derps! This is the worst stream of hate comments I've seen since I last saw the comment section my YouTube video 'Giovanni is Ash's Father'. This is a perspective answer to an unanswered question for a show that a fan just happened to give a personal touch to. Those of you who posted a negative comment on this story are a disgrace to the fandom and what it stands for. I wrote this story mostly so I could explain how Shadow Flame can be as old as he is in the sequel and knows about humans without tying this into the 'Equestria Girls' movie and so I don't have to do some sort of 'Avatar' parody fan-fic for 'My Little Pony' involving me turning into a pony. And to repeat the description: A fan history of what may be the first Alicorn of the FiM Universe. So if you have a problem with this story please take it up with the people who write the show to make an episode for season 4 explaining the history of the alicorns. One good thing about YouTube is that I can disable comments without having to remove the video. I don't think I can do that here without removing the story.
2797865
TheaterCritic is a 13 year old asshat that typically goes around and says that stories suck when his stories suck much harder. I believe it to be some sort of coping mechanism or a way for him to troll shield himself.
The video in question is from a thread he posted in "Craptastic Stories" as a response to anything that TheaterCritic posted. As for the meaning behind it, I don't know.
2798139
Listen Mr. Neckbeard. I just took a look at your channel and I'm not sure if you're retarded, socially maladjusted or just one of the biggest spazzes I've ever seen in my life but suck it up.
Seriously. Unless you want to be the next Chris-Chan or something equally cruel I suggest you reign in your tard tendencies and grow a pair. While you're at it, how about some exercise to get rid of those manboobs of yours.
I've got no time to babysit or to play nice with somebody that can't take criticism. Especially somebody that puts their real name and then talks about their youtube channel thus giving a face to the name as well.
And a word to TheaterCritic, this is your future unless you change your ways soon.
2798139 You're so cute.
2798305 Also going to say this before I forget. I wanted to thank you for making Craptastic stories. Me and my friends like to gather around and hear a bad fanfiction around tea and this group made it so much easier to find them.
2798305 I guess it was kind of an overreaction to things. This is my first story on the site, and I didn't want it to turn out like my 'Giovanni is Ash's Father' video on YouTube. That and the stress of actually trying to submit the story.
2798360
And there you go. A reasonable reaction to all this. There's hope for you yet.
Putting something out there on the internet for everybody to see is a huge risk and already you're head and shoulders above those that have never done so. But with this with come criticism and you need to be ready for it.
People are not going to play nice and take it easy on you because it's your first story. The internet is a cruel place and egos can be shredded by the reviews that you get.
I'll just go ahead and say this but WHAT THE FUCK!
Wiser words have yet to be spoken here. You, young Author, would do well to listen to him.
(Aside the thing with the sideways chainsaw, don't even read that.)
I am terribly sorry you wrote this.
Brony in Equestria and Alicorn OC stories are best left to the professionals. Actually, Brony in Equestria stories are extremely difficult to pull off, but I've seen new writers do it. VERY RARELY.
And Self-insert: Never. Never write one. Not in a thousand years.
5295469
DAMMIT BLESSED ONE. You made me comment on a dinosaur like this. WHY?
5295503
Oh nevermind, it updated today. Wow.
5295508 I know, it's evil is still lurking within the words of the chapters... *Shivers*
5295469 Someone already beat you to the punch with that. And BTW, I created the character name before I went to sign up for the account. It was so cool to me I just couldn't' t help but use my OC name for my FIMFiction account name. And posting the comment on the chapter where I inform you of my intend of re-writing the story is stupider than the fact that you just repeat something that someone else did months before. Fans like you make me question why I didn't leave the fandom on the first encounter I had with a hater.
5298591 Most of us are not haters.
There are three kinds of us: There are the ones that are trying to warn you. There are those that want to give you advice. Then there are the trolls and haters.
The ones that try to warn and help, are angered by people like you, who don't listen to them. You wouldn't have half of the dislikes you do now if you would have heeded their words.
5298653 It isn't that I don't listen or heed their advice. This was the first time I attempted public writing. I do tend to get carried away with things that mean something to me. I'm more stubborn than a cat. Hell, if you've seen me sometimes when I play video games, you'd know how intense I get when I want a lot of good to happen to me when it just doesn't seem to want to.
5295469
Agreed wholeheartedly.
5305858 I understand fully, but those like me, who understand the anger of a failing story, are few in numbers.
It takes a lot to earn my dislike, and you came nowhere close to getting one from me.
I see much potential in you, if you heed the words spoken by the wiser ones among us.