necroslayer288
Joined 4th Jan, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I noticed that your fic isn't exactly being well received. Would you like me to offer a few tips and pointers?
This is my first story so don't be to critical, i don't mind friendly criticism but don't be rude, if there is something wrong with the story please tell me, it will help me make better story's. I don't plan on only making clop fics, this was just and idea i had and i wanted to get it out of my head :P
2781363 Yes please, anything that would help would be nice
2781414 1st I have to say that every story has to be grammatically sound so I recommend capitalizing the beginning of every new sentence and all I's. No i just I. It's a menial problem but the readers here will chew you up for it. The commas are nearly non-existant and it's kind of messy all around. I either suggest a proofreader or you read all of the featured fics and see how they do it.
2nd is that you have to be weary of a clop fic with a human tag. You have to ask yourself, Is it normal for a pony to get so comfortable with a being it has never seen so quickly? To want to have sex with said being moments after they've met? It's unrealistic and it would've worked better if you had made it a longer romance. If readers see you fucking Trixie immediately when you appear in Equestria than they're going to see it as plain old wish fulfillment. Not good. You have to make it original and believable! If it's a self insert than save the sex until the story has progressed further than just one or two chapters.
3rd Sex isn't just sticking your dick into something. It's a whole shit storm of everything ranging pain and joy to guilt and sweat and smells and yelling and screaming and so on and so forth. Add more emotion and feeling to the sex scenes.
2781503 I thank you for your input, and i understand it's not all that amassing >.> It is of course my first story. Spelling and grammar has never been my strong suit, but what you said has definitely helped me figure out what i need to fix so i thank you for that
The Great and Illiterate Trixie XD
Nice idea. Only a couple issues:
-Grammar
-Pace
-Description of clop scenes
-Point of View changes
-Trixie is fine with being raped against a tree after nearly drowning due to surprise sex?
All in all, 7/10.
This story is like salted chocolate. It draws you in with its deceptive sweetness, and by the time you taste it, you can't turn back.
Also, I like the explanation for the portal. My favourite explanation for a spontaneous Earth/Equestria portal, if I dare say.
Props to you.
First line man the FIRST line and I knew oh god harry potter in 3D BULLSHIT but I don't care because this guy is funny! Good job man keep it up!
2782624 Thanks your comment made my day XD By the way what Trixie said there was intentional, I just thought it sounded funny :P And with the grammar I plan on fixing that.
2783605 Thanks man :P I'm glad you liked it. comments like yours make my day.
Pretty good so far
. Keep going.
2784267 I just finished editing the first chapter. let me know if you think its better. All i did was fix some grammar and tweak some things here and there. so let me know what you think
2781503 OK I fixed the first chapter. Let me know if you think it's any better
(mature voice)awesome story though clop scenes are a little fast but only slightly good job. try adding slightly more detail to give them depth but not so much that it becomes dull(mustache maturity and a smile)
Not bd.
A little fst, but still like-worthy.
I would recommend you flesh the chapters out a bir more.
this is balls.
2792162 Not sure if thats good or bad XD
Well.... Bkill253 sent me here.... I was mostly just laughing the entire time! XD
2794583 Thanks bro XD By the way i'm working on another story at the moment, so I put this one on hiatus. If you thought this was funny the my next one might just kill you X3 The first chapter will probably be out tomorrow, so check it out.
A little fast paced, but good nonetheless.
This chapter went at a much better pace than the previous ones.
2903570 Thanks bro, I just had a lot of ideas for this chapter is all, I'm glad you like it
I am happy to say that you are doing a good job on the story. I do hope to see more chapter to the story. It is nice to see Trixie finding sum one that like her in that way. Maybe she will be a nicer pony from now on. Keep up the good work.
Update?
Well I believe Rolls Royce likes it.
Awe man that sucks I know I done that before, but thank you for not rage quitting and type it agene. For that have a stash
Yea I love your story but I'm with riskusorasephiroth on this one update?
3778228 I'm sorry I haven't updated my story yet, I'v just been busy, as you can see this is the first time I have been on here in quite a while, I need to update one of my stories first before I update this one, I will be updating this soon though, so don't worry, I just have to get my juices going (take that however you want :P ) anyway I'm going to try and work on my other story tonight so I can get on with this one, you should expect an update soon
Update?
Will this story continue or is it dead?