Swift Breeze and Venus Brightheart have been dating for about 6 months, and they have great friends that they hang out with all the time. But what is suppose to be a fun evening turns into a night that turns his life on its head when his friend starts to fall for him.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Constructive Criticism:
1) personally I would like it if you stopped making it seem like they are talking to "you" when really they are talking to Swift Breeze. It's starting to get confusing. But if that is the kind of story you want to write go ahead.
2) I also noticed how you did very little in the background of both of your OCs. I would recommend if you were to take the time in the next chapter or two to drop little facts and hints about their pasts.
3) You have almost no grammatical errors, which I love. So far I've seen like two people who can do this, one of them being you, and the other had an assistant, not a proof reader. Everyone else had either a proof reader or mistakes. Keep it up! (I would be more than willing to help with the progression of this story, or help relieve some of the pressure...)
4) I also recommend making the chapters longer, I would say at least 1,000 words each. That would be preferable, but is not necessary. Tis is just chapter one though, and they are usually short and only used to grab the readers attention.
5) You left off just perfect! Leave a cliff-hanger on the first chapter so they would have to read more! Bwahaha! You are evil!
Over all I'd say it is a good story, although I'm not one to talk I just naturally like most Slice of Life stories. You seem like a capable writer with great potential, but even so you might still need to hone you skills with some basic things I've come up with. If you want some help or advice, just shoot me a message, and I will hopefully respond within 4 days otherwise you could assume I was hit by an old man on a moped, and suffered a fatal injury. Have a nice day!~
Oh shoot sorry, most people try for 1,000 words, I asked you to, and you had 1,000 word. Sorry. Try and make it longer though, I think people will appreciate its.
1) Yeah I thought it was weird at first too, but I going to be switching between different characters points of view, so I think writing like this will be the best way.
2) I was having trouble writing about their pasts and that's why there was little information.
But I like your idea about dropping little things about their pasts, so I might do that.
3) Thanks, I didn't even use a proof reader for this chapter, it was just lil' o' me
, anyway thanks and I might drop you a message if I get writers block.
4) I wanted to make this chapter longer, but at the end it seemed I was rambling on and I felt like I needed to end it, sorry about that, I will try to make them longer and more detailed as I progress. I have a certain path I want to go with this story, but I keep getting different ideas and changing the story in my mind as I go.
5) Wow I though my ending was a little cheesy, but i'm glad you liked it.
Moar ! Please.
2751618 huh, sorry it took so long for me to respond, but if you are going to be switching between character POVs, you should really say so, so when you want to switch POVs do it like this
Artomix's POV
{Words in Artomix's POV (point of view)}
I also noticed how you used the form from the site. Nice.
(*-*) ~nice!
<) (>
/ \
Jim gives you the thumbs up!
Yes! You used the POV title! Although I noticed how little affection Venus and Swift show each other. What's up with that? I also recommend making a time table, for you to write your chapters in a certain amount of days, usually 3-5 days. Then you would try and stay on that schedule and post a chapter every time. Before you start your next chapter, I would recommend thinking ahead to your next chapter or two, to make sure your plot doesn't get messed up, but you do not have to picture the entire story in your mind. Also if you want to see a story with the best POV switches (that I think so anyways) go look for Pony Switch, by Ark125. I'm not very good with the "just love" stories, I am mostly technical, OCs, and action... but I'll try to help. The story is looking good so far... except it isn't really going anywhere. That is okay at the beginning of longer stories, because they have more stuff to talk about in the middle. Just try to pick it up a little. Okay, so I think I have said enough for now... I'll tell you if I see anything else wrong... so laters.
M'kay.