What The Heart Wants

by Mmhh12

Chapter 1

As you enter the room, your ears quickly fill with the sounds of colts and fillies talking and laughing about how their summer went. You look around hoping to see a desk that was empty next to somepony he knew. Luckily toward the back of the room was an empty seat next to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, three fillies who you became friends with last year when you first came to Ponyville. You walked over to the seat next to Applebloom, who is talking to Sweetie Belle about some new way to find their cutie marks. Once you take your seat next to her she turns from talking to Sweetie Belle and addresses you.

"Hey Swift," she said in a cheery voice. "How was yer' Summer?"

"It was good," you reply kindly. "As if you don't know. I saw you and everypony else two days ago."

You, The CMC, Rumble, and Venus always meet in Ponyville park on Saturdays to hang out. You all would play tag, throw a frisbee around, or just talk and catch up. It was also one of the only times where you could spend time with your fillyfriend Venus.

Venus Bightheart. You met last year in school, It was both your first year of being in Ponyville, and from the moment you met the cyan colored unicorn you two had a very special connection. You like the same music, enjoyed the same hobbies, and just enjoyed being with each other. When she was with you, everything felt right and you could just be yourself. You two had never felt this way before and after about six months of meeting her, you asked her to be your fillyfriend. She accepted.

Scootaloo calling your name calls you back to reality. "Swift Breeze? HELLO? anypony in there?" She knocks on your head with her hoof.

"What? Oh Sorry" You say remembering where you are. "I was lost in thought." You rub your head where the pegasus hit you.

"What were yeh' thinking bout'," questioned Applebloom, scooting closer to the silver coated pegasus, she had a little smirk on her face.

"Nothing, Just about what I'm gonna do after school." You lie hoping they wouldn't pursue the thought.

"He's probably going to ask Venus to stay after and cuddle with him behind the school." Sweetie Belle giggles. You feel yourself blushing and you look to see Scootaloo and Applebloom both snicking too. You blush a little more. "Yeah yeah very funny," you say.

"What's so funny," a voice behind you speaks. You turn around to see a cyan colored unicorn with a light blue mane and subtle silver eyes that almost matched the color of your coat. "Hey Venus, it's nothing trust me," You say to her giving her an odd smile. She looks at you confused for a second but then she takes a seat to the right of you.

"Yeah, nothing," Applebloom says still snickering.

Ms.Cheerilee walks up to the front of the room and addresses the class, "Hello my little ponies, I hope you had a wonderful summer," she says cheerfully. "I hope we can have another great year of learning and-" She was cut off by the door flying open and hitting the wall. A young colt ran inside and shouted " I'M NOT LATE I'M NOT LATE." He was running so fast that he tripped over his own hoofs and slid right in front of Ms.Cheerilee's. He looked up and saw her glaring down at him with disappointment. "Hello Rumble," she says still glaring at the clumsy colt, "so glad of you to join us. Why don't you take your seat and we could continue with the lesson." Rumble got up with his head hung and walked over to the back of the room and sits down behind Venus. "Oh and you can tell me why you were late after class," Ms.Cheerilee said at last.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon started talking and giggling to each other, most likely making fun of Rumble. They catch your eye and you shoot them a fierce glare, which they only laugh at and turn back to their conversation. You look at Rumble and whisper to him, "Don't worry about them." He looks up to you and replies softly, "I won't, thanks though." He manages a smile and you turn back to Ms.Cheerilee. She went on talking about the school year and what the ponies should be expecting this year, but you instantly get bored and turn to Applebloom.

"So, anypony else want to do something after school? Or is it just me." You let out a small chuckle

Applebloom whispered to you, "Ah'm bored out of mah mind. And it's only the first day too." Her face remains forward so she doesn't look suspicious. "Wanna' get the gang together and do somethin' after school," she says in her regular country accent.

"Sure, you ask the Crusaders and I'll tell Rumble and Venus," you say.

You take two pieces of paper and a pencil out of your saddlebag. You stick the pencil in your mouth and write on each of the papers.

Planning to meet after school to do something you in?

Yes[ ] No[ ]

You look at your mouth writing wow this is is dreadful, but whatever you think to yourself. While fold up the two pieces of paper, you look around to see if anypony is watching. Ms.Cheerilee is still going on and on about learning or something when she turns away from the class to write something on the chalkboard. You quickly flick one folded paper to your right over to Venus. She is startled by the action but doesn't make a peep. She looks over to you with a confused look. You mouth the words "open it." While she reads you take the other note and fling it behind your right shoulder to Rumble. He catches it in his mouth and spits in on his desk. Ms.Cheerilee looks back to the class, so you quickly take your pencil and pretend to be following along with the lesson.

While she wasn't looking Venus puts the paper back on your desk. Rumble gives a fake cough and slides his paper on the floor with his hoof. You pick it up and examine the two notes. They both are checked yes. You give a smile to them both and pass the notes to Applebloom.

She gives them a quick glance and smiles, then she looks at you and nods, and you know...

Today's gonna' be good.

Author's Note:

Hello, this is my first fanfic so if you want to give some constructive criticism that would be cool. Also feel free to leave a comment and I'll try to reply as soon as I can.

*And I promise it will pick up I just need The first chapters for exposition and build-up*

Comments

[Classy Toad]

Constructive Criticism:

1) personally I would like it if you stopped making it seem like they are talking to "you" when really they are talking to Swift Breeze. It's starting to get confusing. But if that is the kind of story you want to write go ahead.

2) I also noticed how you did very little in the background of both of your OCs. I would recommend if you were to take the time in the next chapter or two to drop little facts and hints about their pasts.

3) You have almost no grammatical errors, which I love. So far I've seen like two people who can do this, one of them being you, and the other had an assistant, not a proof reader. Everyone else had either a proof reader or mistakes. Keep it up! (I would be more than willing to help with the progression of this story, or help relieve some of the pressure...)

4) I also recommend making the chapters longer, I would say at least 1,000 words each. That would be preferable, but is not necessary. Tis is just chapter one though, and they are usually short and only used to grab the readers attention.

5) You left off just perfect! Leave a cliff-hanger on the first chapter so they would have to read more! Bwahaha! You are evil!

Over all I'd say it is a good story, although I'm not one to talk I just naturally like most Slice of Life stories. You seem like a capable writer with great potential, but even so you might still need to hone you skills with some basic things I've come up with. If you want some help or advice, just shoot me a message, and I will hopefully respond within 4 days otherwise you could assume I was hit by an old man on a moped, and suffered a fatal injury. Have a nice day!~

[Classy Toad]

Oh shoot sorry, most people try for 1,000 words, I asked you to, and you had 1,000 word. Sorry. Try and make it longer though, I think people will appreciate its.

[Mmhh12]

1) Yeah I thought it was weird at first too, but I going to be switching between different characters points of view, so I think writing like this will be the best way.

2) I was having trouble writing about their pasts and that's why there was little information. But I like your idea about dropping little things about their pasts, so I might do that.

3) Thanks, I didn't even use a proof reader for this chapter, it was just lil' o' me , anyway thanks and I might drop you a message if I get writers block.

4) I wanted to make this chapter longer, but at the end it seemed I was rambling on and I felt like I needed to end it, sorry about that, I will try to make them longer and more detailed as I progress. I have a certain path I want to go with this story, but I keep getting different ideas and changing the story in my mind as I go.

5) Wow I though my ending was a little cheesy, but i'm glad you liked it.

[Meow Mix]

Moar ! Please.

[Classy Toad]

2751618 huh, sorry it took so long for me to respond, but if you are going to be switching between character POVs, you should really say so, so when you want to switch POVs do it like this

Artomix's POV
{Words in Artomix's POV (point of view)}

I also noticed how you used the form from the site. Nice.
(*-*) ~nice!
<) (>
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Jim gives you the thumbs up!