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The sun crashes with Empress Celestia's fall. In the aftermath, the Solar Empire desperately attacks the Lunar Republic, but was it really Luna's doing? The answers are locked up tight in a disturbed pegasus mare. As heroes fight a losing battle to stave off tyranny and cold darkness, mysterious powers loom.
Definitely earns TEEN for language and implicit sexual content.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, first chapter.
I like your writing style here. You use a lot of great words that I never think to use, and it really adds to the complex style of the story I believe you're trying to set up. However, sometimes the words can seem like confusing Garbled Jargon and it detracts from the general feel of the story.
The syntax was really well done for the most part. There are a few commas that aren't needed, and a few spots that DO need them. Overall, however, this is better than most of the stuff I read (SPiderses.) So well done with the grammar. I didn't notice any misspellings, too, so great job.
The storyline itself sets itself up to be very interesting. You definitely seem to have a clear story here and the contrast between public appearance and private perosnality is well defined by her various actions. Good job making that distinction clear. SOmetimes people can be really vague until suddenly OH MAN CELESTIA'S ACTUALLY A LESBIAN TRANNY I NEVER SAW THAT COMING (Not that I have a clear story in mind right there.) However, the story also seems to move a little fast here. It went right along fine until the choir scene. That scene will always be a little hard to describe, so I won't rewrite that part. However, when Celestia poofs off to dump him, she flashes back and...suddenly there's no choir anymore? And a busniess goat is next to her? I'm unsure of where she went after the dump. I'm assuming that the sun is setting during the speech, which correlates with the timeline, but what happens to the choirs? Do they just...sit there? Maybe you could throw something about where she goes after the dump, or maybe a transitioning passage about her dismissing them and going to her quarters (Or wherever she went.)
Overall, this is fairly well done. I give this chapter a solid 7.5/10. Keep up the good work.
This is amazing. I can see why some readers might be turned off from the start by how dark it is, and use of the Tyrant Celestia trope, but if they stuck with it they would find a story that shows great love and respect for the character.
This just shot to the top of my list of stories that I wait for updates on.
(And what a place to leave off...)
I love Dusk as a character. The tension and growth in her personality is a highlight. I especially enjoyed her interaction with Derpy. Your writing is great; do you write just fanfiction, or original stuff as well? The mysteries and revelations in the story are handled deftly.
Anyway, I hope more people find this. I love a good adventure story and this one is impressive on several levels. Honestly, after I hit chapter four or so, I read the rest of it in a single sitting.
2983764Thanks! About the beginning, that's how I feel as well, but it's all necessary.
What a story for Derpy to be in... but it works, doesn't it? Derpy's great.
I'm glad Dusk is a compelling character. Took a lot of work.
I've written other stuff before, but this is the most mature (as in developed, meaningful) story I've written. Currently I'm only writing pony.
Be prepared for lots more cliffhangers. And mystery--there will be more...
Why is Celestia now a puddle of semen?
3007696 Why, if everypony knew that, it would be easy to save Equestria from perishing in darkness.
3007769
3007696 They attempted to reverse what happened in the beginning by building her old body and mind back onto the smaller Dusk identity. Of course, they didn't really understand what happened in the first place. Also, they don't know what they're dealing with getting in bed with those dark forces.
As far as what happened in the first chapter, the ponies are still trying to find out.
As far as just now, Celestia is lifeless goo because of Twilight. She started the spell, but reversed it before she finished because she could see that everything Dusk said in the last chapter was true.
(You understand, she hasn't been lurking around as a blob monster, that part was dead, so they summoned it back from scratch. That's why they needed a bunch of ingredients.)
People starting at the beginning, a warning: spoilers below.
.
Oh, excellent. I loved when Celestia spoke out loud, and Dusk was all, Oh $#&%! And Twilight has not yet fallen so far, nice to see.
Keep up the great work!
This was suggested with an "ignore the down-votes on this one" note, so I'm giving it a close read with a sharp eye and a hope to find reason to upvote.
I feel you misused "reminisce" in the third or fourth paragraph. I would have put "noting idly" or somesuch, "reminisce" makes me think 1) doing it with a collection of people, and 2) viewing in a positive light.
There may have been a mis-carried speaker change near the end of the interaction with the goat. The part ID'd with "he concluded, satisfied" seems to me like Celestia should have said it. It seems well-enough in character for her based on what I've seen so far.
This is interesting backing, but I don't feel like you've "done" anything yet. That's okay, though, this is only chapter one.
2714868
FWIW, it seems to me that she teleported 'back' to a different location than she teleported out of.
Well, this was an interesting chapter. Perhaps a tad disjointed, but not to bad. On to the next one!
3017305 Thanks for considering.
"Reminesce" is much too fond, thank you for pointing that out. And while the original dialogue worked okay, rearrangement helped.
lilinuyasha was confused about the teleportation because I did say "back" and it wasn't clear enough. Due to his comment, I clarified. You've both made the chapter a smoother read.
This is definitely an establishing chapter, which provides necessary context. The plot of the adventure/drama really follows Dusk.
Preliminary analysis:
You've got no clue -- perhaps very little clue, I should say instead, but for my purposes it comes to much the same thing -- what you're doing, but you're going to bully through anyways. Several could-be readers saw and identified this, and down-voted based mainly on that. It's not that you can't bully through, it's just that there's nothing to convince anyone that you definitely can. Further, the story so far is quite different from what I was expecting -- perhaps better assuming -- based on the description, and I'll reckon you got some down-votes for that, too.
Of course, you've also got an untagged major-focus OC. I imagine that doesn't help any, either.
So far, I haven't seen anything I feel worthy of a down-vote. That's about it, though; I haven't read enough to pass a yes/no judgment on it. You have potential, sure, but it's potential to go either way.
I feel it was pretty idiotic of Dusk to try copying that other mare. It seems to me that if you don't know what you're doing, it's generally best to admit that to yourself and those around you, or not go through with it at all. Of course, the other one waited for the stallion to ask first, too.
I'm in the habit of offering corrections, which can lead to me poking my nose in where it's not necessarily wanted, but I think you could add a bit more "color" to this one bit by changing it as follows:
I recommend only making that change if it's accurate, though.
*OC tagged*
It would be good to know, what did you assume it would be like? It's possible that it is, but hasn't developed as quickly as you expected (it's a long story.)
I think you got me in a bit of a bad mood today, sorry.
You completely shift focus to Ditzy briefly there. I don't feel like it works. Maybe if you hadn't dropped inside Ditzy's head, it would work? In that case, your main focus character can still be Dusk, and she's watching Ditzy get ready to leave. Even if you don't actually write it from inside Dusk's head.
What dose that even mean, "frowned additionally"? In addition to what? If not, then why "additionally"?
As written, this feels highly redundant. It makes sense that she'd note something was kind of stupid, and then have a realization: 'I guess I am kind of stupid'. There's got to be a better way to write it, though.
I don't really sympathize with Dusk. This chapter's less bad in that regard, as it's spent more time showing what she's reacting to, instead of her reactions, compared to the others. Roughly everything from the middle of the paragraph before the airships onwards works. Dusk, though, feels... well, like a wadded-up ball of nothing-or-other someone's tossed in the corner.
I don't really sympathize with Ditzy, either, but in her case it's oddly okay. The camera's field of view isn't on her, so much as she's in the camera's field of view. If that makes any sense.
You feel rather reference-overdosed. This is the only chapter I've noticed that, so it could just be this chapter, but it's something to watch out for. Interestingly, each of the three references I noticed would probably work fine standalone, but their close proximity to one another makes them not.
The most important reference here is the bananas. That works well independent of the other two, it's just that the combination of the three leaves a sour taste. You should leave that in as-is and see if you can get rid of the other two.
3046118 Hm. References seem to collect in this chapter specifically, I think I counted four. "frowned additionally" and "super effective" are out, I am considering the others. The path ahead should be mostly clear of references.
Someone else wadded Dusk up, but she tossed herself into the corner. At this point she's in a "Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" type mood. She has a defiantly apathetic attitude, as if whatever low place she finds herself in is as good a place as any to watch everything crumble. Since she nixed suicide, that's what she intends to do--unless something changes her mind.
She hasn't cared about anyone else, so I understand why you don't sympathize with her. I mean, she even thought about doing something to Derpy in her sleep. Given the chance, would she be a hero or a villain?
This continues to be terrific. Wow, that chapter with the book was intense. (!) And scenes like this one show how well you write the voices of the different characters. You totally nailed Rarity. Er... her characterization, that is.
Honestly, there is some really great dialogue here. I'm loving this story.
Hi, Celestial. I'm reviewing your story on behalf of the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction. Unfortunately, it doesn't yet meet our standards. Fortunately, you can fix that, both improving your story and allowing me to add it to the Directory. So let's get started, shall we?
You don't actually need that second comma. Drop it.
I believe that should be "by me," not "of me".
You should use a colon in this sentence instead of a semicolon, since you're not connecting two independent clauses.
Resubmit this to the Directory or comment in response to this when you've made the appropriate changes, and I'll be happy to add it for you.
3115641
Pardon my punctuation. I have corrected it.
I put "an epic win" after a semicolon? Yikes, that's not even a dependant clause.
Wow. Emotions are running high in this chapter. I really sympathize with Twilight. Maybe it's because Rainbow Dash and Applejack are so tough that they don't seem quite as vulnerable as her, and Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity are more innocent, so they don't seem as guilty as her, so it seems like Twilight suffers in a different way.
The scene where it all gets to Twilight is awesome.
Excellent chapters. Glad to see the Mane Six have it out and acknowledge what their relationship means even after all they've been through.
Am I late to the party? Brian Jacko shared this on facebook and boy... looks like a long ride ahead!
'gulp'
But I'll give it a shot, gonna place this in the read later folder!
3207748 You're not late to the party, you are the party, right? I think things are just heating up.
That was so sad. I suppose Luna reacted better than could be expected, but I still feel so sorry for both of them. (Wow, there were some heavy moments there.) This story is certainly unafraid to go to some dark places, but maybe there's hope for some of these shattered relationships?
And the scene with Applejack in Luna's room revealed her character in a wonderful way, I thought.
Keep up the great work on this.
3226594 Thank you. Credit must go you-know-where it's due.
And geez I like Luna, especially cute Luna, it felt really bad to put her through that.
3226627 Writers have to be cruel sometimes, especially to the characters they love best.
Awesome. The great and powerful one returns.
Fluttershy gets serious. And we get to see what Dusk was doing with Rarity. (Ooh, just when you think things couldn't get any worse...) How is that going to be resolved? The next chapter or two should be very interesting. Looking forward to it! 
Nice! Rarity gets her moment to shine, Dusk may not be as changed as she hoped, and Equestria is still in danger. I really liked the scene where all the ponies were discussing the necessary sacrifice. I like how characters' loyalties, fears, guilt, and selfish hopes all got the chance to show themselves. And the scene with Pinkie and Rarity after it all made me smile.
Brilliant. (I can't wait to see the aftermath of this.)
I really liked this chapter.
The trial was pretty awesome. Interesting to see that the Equestrian court doesn't know what to make of the book. I find the whole problem that Celestia poses for those seeking justice to be fascinating. How do you judge a being that you need to keep your world going? Of course I wish the best for my favorite princess. Cheerilee's letter was a real "bring me back down to earth" moment.
And then this last chapter... that was beautiful. 
Woah. Never suspected that. The intrigue gets deeper.
Just a tiny bit of d'aww right there at the end.
2983764
I echo your sentiment. (Chapter 3 for me, although I'm still reading.)
Fascinating.
3159529
Ya just keep sayin' it before I can, don't ya?
Wow, that was intense. It unraveled just as quickly as it should have and I really liked how it did.
This story is too good.
It seems every other chapter i go: "Woah, intense."
Although, with this one I couldn't tell what her lie was. The thing she was supposed to undo I have not grasped. Whether it was undone when Celestia cast that illusion on Rarity or whatever, I suppose I'll see soon.
Ah, now I see.
This is so heavy. I can hardly bear to see what happens next, but I must and I will! See you on the other side.
Much heavy. So sad.
-Doge
3322795
Maybe she needs to learn how to sacrifice herself?
So beautiful. The sacrifice needed was the most selfless and the most beautiful. ...And it was the one already made.
0.0 Oh snap, Twilight.
Indeed.
Well that kills me. Must. Read. Book.
So much everything.
3465711 Glad you've been enjoying it so much.
I'm like "hee hee hee, yes, thumb up" to all your comments.
It's not over yet. I hope you find the conclusion satisfying.
3437111
I agree, it hurt to see the results of her selfish actions but the punishments were necessary. Nonetheless, it still hurts. Are we going to see full redemption for the former tyrant? I hope so. On to the next chapter!