Secret Agent Macintosh: Whispers

by islandsun

The Statues of Canterlot

Part Two of Big Macintosh's Epic Adventure with Torchwood, The Statues of Canterlot, is finally here!

You can find it right here!

I hope you all enjoy!

Yours Truly,
The Insula Sol

Comments

[OtterMatt]

Hello again, my friend. OtterMatt is back, though no longer as a member of WRITE. I'm glad to see this story finished, and in honor of the 50th anniversary celebration of all things Doctor-related (and, you know, because you asked...), I shall review this story again in its completed form.

Mechanics
Okay, there's a few typos here and there. I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of to/too mismatches, and at least three times you spelled "salutations" without the second "t". Overall, the mechanics of writing are sound, though. I don't see a ton of orphaned sentences scattered about, commas are basically all where they should be, and nothing really jumped out at me editorially enough to make me wince.

Characters
I said it before, but I'll say it again: you wrote Mac wonderfully. No, despite the explanation you gave me before, I still don't think the ship tease between Mac and his sister is necessary or helpful to the story, but I choose to ignore those parts and simply read it as familial love and it works out fine, and just as strongly. Glossing over that, though, Mac has some real, deep, significant issues as a result of this story, and seeing them before the explanation was a bit jarring at first, but man do I get it now. The scene of him breaking down with Celestia was gold, dude. Solid gold. While you can add this story to the list of thousands jossed by the season 4 premiere, I like your reasoning for Nightmare Moon's rise more than Studio B's. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense overall, really, just because the Nightmare seems like a third wheel to an already tense conflict, and the Nightmare comes off like a bit of an afterthought.

Plot
I was absolutely right before about needing the [Crossover] tag, because this is a full-on crossover, and the best kind: one where I don't really need to know everything about either world to enjoy it. The GI turns out to be a fantastic villain, I just sorta wish we'd gotten a bit more run-up, but I understand that it's very hard (if not unfeasible) to do so when our story is centered so strongly around Mac's perspective. Inserting Mac so strongly into the story that we all think we know was a genius move. As I said before, I loved this version of events.

Storytelling
This is a hard category to score for, because it reflects the most strongly on you yourself as the writer. I think you've done a fantastic job finding your narrative voice, and you really seem to have a good grasp of writing emotionally. I'd like to see you take a little bit of practice on writing action scenes in the future, just to hone those skills. It's actually quite hard to write constant action and keep it readable. Yours is good; I'd like to see if you can make it awesome.

Conclusion
All in all, I'm actually really trying to be harsh on you, just because I don't want what may be one of the last reviews I ever do to simply be a pat on the back or a candy-floss comment: all fluff and no substance. To be perfectly frank, I think your story is fantastic. Is it perfect? Of course not, and I think highly enough of you as a writer to assume that you'll be able to improve and find those areas as you go. Is it the best crossover I've ever read? Not really, even though crossovers aren't my thing, frankly. I can think of one, maybe two crossovers in the Whoniverse that I'd put above yours. While that might bar you from earning a perfect 10 from me, it should speak extremely highly of your work as well.

While I am a bit sad that I've cut ties with WRITE and the fandom in general, I'm extremely proud to offer you this review, thankful that I got the chance to do so, and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/Review%20Badges/9.jpg
(The OtterMatt Scoring System)

[islandsun]

3553267

ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

And yeah, Sorry about that. It seemed like a much better idea when I started and if I was to rewrite this story I would probably leave it out. I kinda have a thing for incest feels, even though a lot have people say they don't like it. As it stands I am kind of committed to it now.

But don't worry, you probably won't have to deal with that aspect of the story very much after this chapter. And it probably wont be much of a spoiler to say that they don't actually get a romantic relationship

[Inthretis]

3554319

HOWITZER DESTROYS BULLET STORM! CRITICAL WOUNDS INFLICTED!

This third chapter is short, but it clearly sets up the rest of the story with Big Mac having been at Nightmare Moon's rise. Reading the chapter reminded me of House, an episode of Teen Titans where a really old book shows a character being part of a historic ancient battle after time travel.

Also: whisper, whisper, whisper.

Also, Applejack having a dream is either foreshadowing or just a nightmare. Better be the former.

INITIATE NANOGENES! BEGIN HEALING! DIGIVOLE INTO... GAS MASK ZOMBIES! ATTACK!

[islandsun]

3643046

*GASP* such assumptions. Tell you what, once you read the next chapter, I'll go ahead and recap which ones where wrong and which ones were right.

It otta be good.
dollars-bbs.org/random/src/1371102881871.gif

And now that you mention it, the story does feel like the plot of an average torchwood episode.

[Chris-Cross13]

Hmm, I never thought of the idea of Big Mac as a secret agent.

That's pretty clever!

Of course I went with a human...That's intellect for ya!

[islandsun]

3751603
So, *clears throat* I did promise to review your predictions.

As of yet, Everfree is still alive, The Great Intelligence has established that he is not Nightmare Moon, no whisper ponies or Clara Oswald, and, if your in the mood for some mild spoilers The elements of harmony didn't fight the great intelligence in the first episodes of fim .

There is one prediction though, that was spot on, Nightaura Vortex is both evil and dead.

Do you feel the story is alright without Clara's appearance? I did diverge from Doctor Who canon in terms of events a bit when I wrote this.

[islandsun]

4025312
Thanks for all the feedback, it's been great.

The rewrites were done in September and October I think, and this story itself is set somewhere during season one of FIM, a few days before Discord is released.

Also, I guess I was kind of going for a Doctor Who history episode.

[islandsun]

4702644
It's great! A great honor, thank you. But unfortunately, that video is marked as private and I would love to see it, if that's alright.

[The Cake Devil]

Dear Insula Sol,

Congratulations! Oh I am so happy for you my friend, I looked on my youtube account and I rushed right over her, only to discover you already knew v.v But anyways congrats again!!!

Yours Truly, The Cake Devil.

P.S. I was wondering if you might be interested in doing a little edditing for a very very special person to me , let me know.

[islandsun]

4713085
I might be able to help. Who needs the editing?

[islandsun]

4962109

Ehh, I'll take it. Some valid points. I think I fix most of those problems in the way I write the sequel.

[islandsun]

4962109
Also, I think my best work really comes after chapter 3 with this story.

I honestly forget I asked for this review, and since I kinda already figured most of that stuff I fee like I should have withdrew my story so you could focus on other stuff. Sorry if I wasted your time or anything

[islandsun]

5463485
You never know, Vortex Manipulators can be pretty fickle things sometimes.

[islandsun]

5465843
Hey, I don't make up the names. Not that I'm saying I'm above the dorkiness of canon Doctor Who...actually, now that you mention it, you wouldn't mind me borrowing that, would you?

[islandsun]

I suppose this is what happens when you constantly rely on civilians equipped with pony-specific plot devices to handle your epic quests. Not much in the way of training.

Heh, yeah... it's true.

You probably meant to say "primal lore", but I'm having a great time imagining a monster golem of raw iron beating down royal ponies.

Nah, I meant ore. Although, I was probably butchering the meaning of the word, using it as a shortened form of origin.

I suppose all that obtuse arcane Knightmare training might have skipped over a few guard basics, such as what "pockets" are and why you want to search them for strange, foreign objects.

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I must say, your commentary is probably the best one I've had yet.