Part two in the Secret Agent Macintosh series, here is part one.
Time travel: a power that could change history, destroy universes, equally capable of protecting all of Equestria or turning it into a living hell, has been thrust into the hooves of none other than the young Apple stallion we all know and love: Big Macintosh. With the only working Vortex Manipulator in Equestria at his disposal he was charged by Torchwood to go back in time and try to save Princess Luna from a powerful enemy. He came back...but not unscarred by the things he saw.
Now, with Discord free and raining chaos down across Equestria, Torchwood calls upon Mac to help maintain order until the Elements of Harmony can deal with the God of Chaos. But as Royal Guards begin to go missing Big Mac and Captain Jack Harkness are forced to deal with a new and deadlier danger.
Special thanks to my wonderful proofreader and pre-reader The Cake Devil, to my magnificent editors Andy Grey and Souri Chan, and also to the talented Skye Spark for this beautiful cover art!
Dear Insula Sol.
Welcome back to the game amigo
. I can't wait to see what's next and just what this "Wildaberry" is up too.
Yours Truly The Cake Devil.
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Dear The Cake Devil,
It's good to be back!
Yours Truly,
The Insula Sol
INSULA SOL!!
My Torchwood/mlp fanfic challenges your Torchwood/mlp fanfic to a crossover mlp fanfic battle to the death!!!!
We shall write our fanfics and comment and critique each other in a respectable and constructive manner! Do you accept this challenge!?
Sincerely, Inthretis
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INTHRETIS!!
I... ACCEPT!
I literally couldn't believe it when I ran into another Torchwood Fanfic which features a member of the Apple Family, and you played it all very well! It gave me the same feeling of dread I got in Children of Earth at some points.
How do you want this to play out, go through a chapter by chapter criticism on each others? I should warn you though, that it will probably be a while before I post the next chapter.
I can't wait to get started, though.
I'm already picking out a nice place to store the body!
Sincerely, Insula Sol
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PLAY IT VERY SLOWLY!
I'm going with every 5,000 words, or every chapter. Constructive criticism fight!
For your information, I am storing your fic's body in a random url in a random domain in Alaska. Good luck finding it.
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EXCELLENT! I ENJOY WATCHING SLOW DEATHS! (The more time for hammy speeches the better)
I would advise you to read the prequel to this story, but you don't have to if you don't want to, I believe this story can exist on its own if necessary.
And be warned, I tend to strike without warning, but hopefully, in manner that I may preserve the head of the fic, to be placed above my mantle.
This oughta be good!
Expect my first attack soon~
Lot's of Love,
Insula Sol
Insula Sol, your fiction has many good points and several bad points:
Bad points:
Big Mac's accent seems to shift between Southern and Scottish.
That is a lot Princess Celestia writes that is top secret in a letter to Big Mac. Kind of dangerous to leave max. security info on apiece of paper.
Overuse of the word 'Torchwood'. Using it to describe ponies doesn't really make sense.
(Torchwood hub, sanctioned agent of Torchwood, I’m Torchwood!, employees of Torchwood, leader of Torchwood, any entity of Torchwood, the hooves and magic of Torchwood’s Lyra Heartstrings, )
SO MUCH Torchwood.
Good Points:
Well written flow, it's like a maximum flow sink in terms of going from one scene to another.
Humorous data files
THE FEELS
Sergeant Wildaberry
Can you believe this is the second Captain Jack/Luna ship I've read?
Overall, it's great, except for excessive Torchwoods.
Also, how did you do the hide-words-under-a-black-bar-spoiler-tag thing?
FIRST SHOT FIRED.
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A GOOD COMMANDER DOES NOT DIVULGE MILITARY SECRETS!
Just type in spoiler within these [] at the beginning and then [/] with the slash before the word spoiler to hide anything you want!
Boy, I'll tell you, it took me a long time to get that Torchwood File together.
AARGH! IT'S SO SWEET AND FRUITY!
Okay, so we got Lyra, Bon Bon, AND Donut Joe as Torchwood agents. We better see more Bon Bon later.
Tentacle monster. Not going to comment.
It's a typo, should be farther.
Torchwood is childish, CMC and others are flailing around (also needs more CMC antics). Telltale sounds familiar, but I'm not sure about him.
Oooh, a Let's Kill Hitler Reference, niiiiiiiiice.
Mystery, Weeping Angels, Shark throwing, and other things. Keep up the fiction-nes!
BANANA SUNDAE CREATED!
Weeping Angels!!!!!!!
“Yeah, take this, you rowdy anemone!” exclaimed Wildaberry gleefully, heaving a shark over her shoulders towards the creature.<<<<<<< Lol
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Okay. So now it is time for Mac to meet the Doctor. Best of luck writing the next chapter.
I PARRY THY LANCE!
This chapter has weeping angels, time paradoxes, the end of the world, and a reference to the previous story.
Overall, it was a solid chapter, though the sadness should feel more sad. I don't know, I guess weeping angels (why aren't they pegasi?) causing the end of the world doesn't seem to work for me.
Anyways, it seems a little too full of info dumps and and forced drama, especially since it was upped to "apocalypse scenario". Also, timelines. If you go to the future, see the end of the world, go back and stop it, did the end of the world happen, or was it some crazy alternate reality?
It has some funny dialogue, and the pacing is good, albeit slightly rushed.
On the bright side, YAY! THE DOCTOR'S COMING! Finally, in normal Torchwood, the Doctor never comes and is only mentioned by name once in the first two seasons. Finally, Big Mac can meet his grandpa, and all the awkwardness can ensue.
SLASH THY WRIST!
The Doctor is coming! Awesomnes rising to dangerous levels.
Now I'm waiting for one magic word.
Wow. Well, I thought we would have seen the doctor, but I guess not. Best of luck with the next chapter.
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Sorry about that, he's actually appearing two chapters from now, but I'll have the next one out much quicker, promise. But he's coming. Though, not in the way you might expect.
IT LIVES!
First, a couple of errors I noticed:
You pressed enter between "find" and "Celestia".
Is this one or two paragraphs? It began a new line but no space between sentences, so I think it's a formatting problem.
Also, NOOOOO!!!
Sergeant Wildaberry!! WHY?! She was my favorite charcter so far... But seriously, you only now revealed her sad/tragic back story? We could've had her as the the plucky comic sidekick with a character depth, killing her several chapters after giving her a multitude of traits, such as hobbies, back story, and funny jokes. We only found out her story, and then she died. In Doctor Who, if you say your entire life story in under ten minutes, there is like 90% chance of you dying, so I guess it makes sense.
While Wildaberry's character seemed rushed, the story must go on, and I am totally looking forward to the Doctor.
(Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy... )
Dear Insula.
Well then let's get this freak out on shall we?
First off : "
.....WHAT! So many thoughts going through my head! Time displacement, Celestia is a mom, Discord! By Celestias third nipple I needed to take a breather!
Second off:
.
Dear heavens dahling, why with that sausy little number between Jack and Luna, your bound to make me blush again
Third off:
Can't wait to see what happens next, Yours Truly The Cake Devil.
Dear Insula.
NOOOOO! What on earth have you done?!
No it's not, dear sweet Celestia it really isn't!
Oh but dahling don't you know, stupid plans are the best in times like these.
Seems like a solid campaign.
Go oooooooooooon
Yours Truly The Cake Devil.
Dear Insula.
Oh the feels...THE FEEEEEEELS!
Yours Truly, The Cake Devil.
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No worries, in the picture the angels are still looking at each other, so they can't get out.
Also, I can't wait to start writing the doctor, you'll just get a peek of him in the next chapter.
Nice chapter. I am interested what is going to happen next.
Alright Doctor. Sometimes you're great at inspiring hope, other times you are distant and barely scrape by, leaving those you left without hope and dying without your help. Which is it this time?
Dear Insula.
Sweet crispity jesus yes! Ahem, my apologies. First off I have to say that Teltail sent a good shiver down my spine and even though I saw it coming, I still felt blindsided. But I also need to ask, what was the Ticking? Or are we suppose to know?
Yours Truly, The Cake Devil.
ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME!
YEAH!!! Finally, some Doctor Whooves action! Plus, now with this story shifting gears, it did finally resolve the story of Telltail's appearance in the first story. This is going to be awesome!
Wibbly Wobbly stuff to happen.
Have you noticed how your chapters are progressively shrinking in size? 10k to 5k to 4k to 3k to 2k?
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Yeah I've noticed. I haven't been doing it intentionally. It's even weirder considering the last story had the opposite thing going on, where the chapter length steadily increased until the end. I think the next chapter might be a bit longer.
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I think you'd be able to make a couple decent guesses as to what the ticking was. But the simplest answer...it was just a watch
Wow. That was intense. I'm so happy about this update. Great job. Good luck with the next chapter.
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Thanks, I really appreciate it
A very interesting chapter. The first few paragraphs are a little stilted, but the remainder of the chapter was written well.
Now we have Discord, Celestia and Luna as kids, as well as their parents, who now (in this dream sequence) must fight against Abaddon. Since he's from the Torchwood season one finale, I can only wonder how this will go. Will Captain Jack jump underneath Abaddon's shadow to blow him up again? Or will something more original happen.
Bravo, good sir. I definitely did not see Abaddon coming. Expected a multitude of other villains, but this one seems right.
On the question of the Doctor, you seem to portray what seems to be his 10th incarnation, based off of the Doctor Whooves and Assistant radio dramas. If not, just the generic Doctor Whooves shown in the show. His personality is similar to other characterizations, but he seems to only have a minor role overall.
The use of a memory solves the problem of the Doctor never appearing in Torchwood canon while simultaneously featuring him at the same time. Sort of like "Blink", but with memories.
Now I wonder: How will they defeat Abaddon? How did Big Mac get this memory? What exactly is Celestia, Luna, and Discord's relationship? Are they siblings? Is this before or after Hearthwarming Eve? Hmm... Continue.
That would be awesome, but this Mac is not so lucky.
There's nothing to be proud of when it's taken him this long to realize that a device capable of instantaneous teleportation and time travel might have serious tactical applications.
It's very interesting that Discord is bothered enough by Mac's resistance to make a deal to keep him off his back.
But shame on Mac for not considering that "no physical harm" still leaves her vulnerable to a lot of pain.
Well, how do you like that. All he did during the Nightmare Moon fiasco was get his immortal butt mutilated repeatedly and give Celestia a pep-talk, and he's the one that hooks up with the Princess. Life is just NOT fair.
I'm really starting to hate Jack.
LIFE, WHY U SO UNFAIR.
Celestia, you make TERRIBLE decisions.
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I find it amusing just how much you're coming to despise Jack and Celestia. And also how easily you've been able to spot all the logic holes.
I'm starting to think that the whole "time machine is bio-locked to you" thing is just an excuse to keep Big Mac around. He really seems to be the only member of Torchwood who takes his job seriously, and Jack's only useful for getting his ass killed over and over.
No. No. NO! Damn you, time travel plot! Quit it!
AWKWARD.
God, I hate Jack Harkness so much. They're in the midst of a magical catastrophe, they're suddenly hit by some OTHER mysterious crisis, and he decides that it's a fine time to chat about his steamy affair with Luna. In front of Mac and the crazy mare. Real professional, jerk.
Mac, let's be fair about this. Jack's been pretty freaking useless for most of this mission. His major contribution so far was to tell everypony that weeping angels have the same weakness as the boos from Mario Brothers.
God DAMMIT!
Remind me again why Celestia thought Wildaberry would be ANY help to the Torchwood agents?
****ing KNEW it. Well, at least the little dude gets to hook up with Celly. It's a more fulfilling tragedy than Mac's ever gotten.
And so we see the end of the nutty royal guard sidekick.
I wasn't very attached to her, really. And her tragic demise in the line of duty seems odd, considering that the weeping angels supposedly just send their victims back in time; an extremely unconventional, yet conveniently reversible fate. Oh well.
Seriously? He's apparently the one agent who can time travel at will, and he's not allowed to have weapons? Do they have a "one gizmo per agent" rule or something?
Well, crap. I thought that with the power of time travel, the magical might of two Princesses, and Big Mac's Protagonist Powers they could get through this without having the Doctor show up to save all their tails. Heck, even DISCORD might have gotten in on this if he'd been made aware of what was happening.
Why angels gotta be like dat?
Clearly, the Doctor has his PhD in exposition.
Er... twice?
He kind of had his hooves full just doing it the one time. I feel like you nutty British ponies are really taking Mac for granted, here.
Also, way to screw up ROYALLY, Discord. For realz.
...Kara needs to meet Wildaberry. Like the only difference in their personalities is that Kara's a pyromaniac. They'd get along amazingly.