Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash go on a no rules race for the last slice of pizza, going from Ponyville to Canterlot and back. (This is my first piece of MLP fan fiction and was written for Chaotic's Pre-Summer Writing Contest: The Preliminaries.)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'll be honest, I got excited for a moment that someone else posted in the group, then I looked at it and said 'Eenope'. Wall of text, using different colors of text for different characters... those pretty much guarantee that this is going to be FAR worse then it could be. I recommend fixing this stuff at least for when CN reads it, if he reads it. I honestly must say, this will probably not get a lot of good words about it. Just giving a little advice, so good luck!
2655648 Thanks for the advice, and good luck to you too.
I'd suggest reading EZN's guide. Should offer some good advice on how to make it a bit more compelling read.
On a wall of text related issue: you only want one speaker per paragraph. The second paragraph is a mess due to this, since it is Pinkie talking with the narrator. The last paragraph also suffers due to failure to do this. Break them down into separate paragraphs and it will help the readability a lot.
Holy run-on sentence, batman! This should be at least seven distinct sentences. Definitely want to look over the rest of the story for other run-on sentences.
You also need to pay a bit more attention to spacing around parenthesis and quotation marks. Often the spacing before and/or after them is not correct. In some cases the space is missing, while frequently with end quotes, there's a space that should not be there. Some examples:
Missing the space after the question mark (though really the Pinkie conversation bit should be the start of a new paragraph).
Space should be before the opening parentheses, not after it.
A proof reading pass would help as well. For example:
"do" should be "due" and "sever" should be "severe".
Also, the 10 should be written out as the word, not the numeral. And you've got a couple of ellipses in there that have more than three periods. That's a no-no.
Well, I was going to go through this and provide critique, but to be honest, the very first paragraph made it quite clear that the biggest piece of advice I can give you isn't a thorough critique, but rather this:
Edit more. Edit obsessively. I spend about 4 hours editing a story for every hour it took to write it. And the last story I wrote, it took me 2-3 hours to write, I spent around eight hours editing, and then decided to step away from it for a few weeks, come back, and rewrite the thing. Editing is ridiculously important. Your mistakes aren't just a matter of not knowing your grammar, you make a bunch of mistakes that should be caught in the editing process by a novice. I mean, let's just look at the first paragraph.
1) There are two spelling mistakes.
2) The sentences seem to run on forever.
3) You use the word "mare" three times in a single sentence, and five times in the same paragraph.
Now, the latter two are things that might take someone to critique them, but the fact that you have two spelling mistakes in the first paragraph to me indicates that you haven't edited your own work with any degree of thoroughness, so why should I spend the time to go through it? This isn't me being mean, it's just the truth. If you'd edited your own work to the best of your ability, I'd have been happy to provide more specific advice, but as it is, you're missing a very important lesson about editing.
You should obsess about editing. As I mentioned, I generally edit for several hours for each hour it takes to write the story. I've written two stories so far. The first one I wrote in an hour and a half, then edited repeatedly, got pre-readers, and consulted with them for a few hours, editing continuously. Then I posted it, got a well-educated person to pre-read it, and he tore into that 3,000 word story for a solid hour.
Editing is ridiculously important. My advice would be to take the story down, spend a few hours editing it yourself (If in doubt over whether you've edited it enough, you haven't!) and then get some pre-readers to fix things further. Writing a story is the easy part. The hard part is making it good.
2655988>>2656176 Thanks for the critque/advice. Hopefully I managed to fix some of the major mistakes and make it so that one can read it.
You still have a ton of spelling mistakes, dude :( I don't think you understand the concept of OBSESSIVE editing. If this is honestly the best editing you can do, you need to get a very patient pre-reader to edit your spelling for you.
Good idea.
Iffy execution. Especially the whole talking to the author part.
Two words:
I'll edit.
After the competition, because I put down a story, too! (It won't be published, so go to the group folder to check it out.)
2655648
I think it's fine. Although, it wouldn't hurt to edit it.