I have ended up in Equestria after my life ended in my previous world. But no point in hanging to the past, there is no future for those who focuses on the past and not the present. Equestria is an agreeable enough place I guess, everything seems so peaceful. Until I discovered a secret that has been kept for way too long.
Quite a lot of dislikes. I've put too much time into this, I'm not going to give up now.
Thanks to sweeT2010Tooth for preventing my story from being completely terrible
If you hate this story, it's probably my fault. If you like it, give the credit to sweeT2010Tooth, he did pretty much everything. I just wrote the first drafts that I'm still surprised he was able to understand in the first place.
Everypony is totally in character
Okay...a few pointers (please don't be mad):
What sets this human apart from others? What makes this human unique? Give me an adequate teaser to look forward to other than 'you'll see.' Spacing before/after paragraphs in the prologue is much needed. Indentation really helps out visually, too. It is OoC (Out of Character) for Rainbow Dash to be scared just because a stranger came by and kicked the crap out of a manticore; She would more likely be a little excited to meet this person. A common mistake is to make a human visiting Equestria automatically a badass. I made this mistake one too many times and paid the price. Let Applejack kick his butt.
I would strongly advise against changing the POV - just show the reader how the characters involved are reacting with the POV that has already been established. Also, denote the speaker. 'Sup?' doesn't tell me who said that. Assume that the reader consistently needs clarification as to who is talking unless it has been said at least twice.
For spelling/grammar, I'm certainly not the best at exercising it. However, a sound strategy is to read your story out loud. When verbally talking out your story, you bypass how your mind remembers and constructs the writing enabling the ability to see the writing's actual structure. Hope that makes sense. Try it out! You'll be surprise at how well it works.
Please don't let what I'm writing intimidate you as I continually make these same mistakes.
2606927
That makes sense. This is the sort of story that i write based on nothing but instinct. I just write what I feel like so it makes sense that it wasn't put together very well. I'm going to change the mistakes you said I made but i think that who said sup was actually put into the story. You seem to have a keen eye for mistakes, perhaps you can be the editor for this story, i could really use your help.
Wow, you got every bad clichés of the HiE genre right on the first chapter, congrats.
So the MC is a Gary Stu, the main cast act OoC ( need I remind you that RD is the one that kicked a DRAGON ? Obviously she's not going to be afraid of the MC, and she's not going to congrat him for helping her, especially like you write the whole dialogue >_> ), the pacing is really fast, you don't describe anything relevant or with enough detail to let the reader picture the scene, the reaction and overreaction of the ponies is not good at all, there is a lot of bad cliché ( MC asking meat bluntly and pony overreacting with death threat, etc ).
Wow no comments before me. Btw your description was adequate, and I understood what the character was motioning the only part that was hard to understand was the kick on the manticores head
I'VE GOT BAAAAAALLLLLSSSSS OF STEEL
2619629
i understand what your saying. I may have strayed a bit too far from the character personalities but seriously, it's been so long since an episode came out. Anyways, who's Gary Stu?
2620996
I'm going to try to change that part. Even the kung fu teacher couldn't give the instructions for that. All he said was "okay, now you do this jump and then kick and AHHHHH"
2623548
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MartyStu
2623612
Oh, gee, you were right, my protagonist is extremely boring. Any suggestions as to how to change it?
Dunno if you can, because the MC already have too much Stu trait.
Unique powerfull magic ( not seen on Equestria for thousands years ), insta-friend with the mains characters of the show, chosen by the royalty to be the ... chosen ONE to deal with everything, manage to beat Celestia with a magic trick, can convince five of the Element ( RD included ) to betray Celestia, the list goe on.
2629016
wait? five? oh shit i need to change that chapter. And plus, i kind of like the chosen one style.Anyways, i need some traits to make him more human.
Hi very old story, I am from the year 2023, whery you from?