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When Queen Chrysalis returns with vengeance, leading a campaign of terror, violence, and deceit, unheard of in the peaceful land of Equestria, what will it take to protect harmony? Celestia gathers her sister Luna, and the most powerful weapon at her disposal, the elements of harmony, and launches a desperate plan.
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A seventh element with the Human tag = NO
Not going to work no matter how you try, another element is BS if you don't need it to active the others to cure a mad alicorn or stone a chaos entity ( not going to mention the link the others bearers share du to the Sonic Rainboom which is part of the whole friendship thing ).
I know that this is your first attempt at writing since high school, so I'm not going to try and be too hard on you. If you think I've gone over the top, say so.
I think you may have gotten at least one downvote based on title alone: fics called the Seventh Element, or something to that effect, conjure up images of canon-breaking OCs displacing the mane six as star of the show. The fact that this is a Human in Equestria fic in which the human is you yourself is not reassuring in this regard. Writing yourself in as the hero - not just of the story but of the entire world - is not the best idea when your writing skills are still an unknown quality.
That being said, I think that you have the seed of a good plot here with the changeling infiltration threat. It reminds me of a mixture between Red Scare fiction and more modern day fears about terrorist cells.
You need to work on the formatting: generally there should be either a blank line or an ident separating paragraps, and sometimes you've forgotten all the necessary quotation marks. The second isn't a huge deal, but the first will help the reader a lot.
The fourth wall breaking opening, where you talk about the show as a fictional creation, threw me a little at first but thankfully you dropped the conceit after that.
The most important thing you need to do is explain exactly why a human and a seventh element is necessary to the salvation of Equestria.
2598558
Thanks for the input.
The explanation for why the spell chooses the main character is not supposed to be reviled until the story progresses towards it's climax.
As for the elements, I want to explore the idea that when harmony faces extreme adversity, it takes something else I can't revile here to hold it together. This is based of lessons I learned in combat in Afghanistan. In the land of equestria, things don't seem to come into existence until they are needed. The elements have changed hands once since their creation, so the idea that an element can exist but not be discovered yet is possible in my opinion.
2598593
Sorry, but 7th element stories are usually not well received here.
7th element stories in which a human is the 7th element are generally reviled.
And yes, that is revile as in "to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner". The word you chose should have been "reveal" as in, "to display". It's kinda funny you chose that particular word.
2598669
I blame my phone's spell check for that one.
2598677
I blame you needing to use a spellcheck in the first place.
2598522
Man I had no idea this concept was taboo here. Plenty of fics seem to pull in all kinds of various magical objects and concepts for plot devices. I don't want to abandon this story though.
2598719
Generally fics that have some sort of magical mcguffin have an explanation to their being that pulls from the show's canon. There's always a tie in where something exists because of one reason or another that relates to the show. Creating a seventh element altogether and then also bringing a human into this mix is a recipe for disaster. Our prejudice is simply because we've rarely seen these sorts of fics work out well.
Since you haven't done creative writing in a bit, it seems a bit foolish to just jump right into a sprawling story like this. Start simpler until you can get those sensibilities back and also take time to get to know the community a bit better. Write some short stories, gain a bit of a following, network a bit then head into something like this. You'll be much better for it, mate, trust me.
What kill this fiction is the fact than the MC is :
- A Brony
- A marine returning from Afghanistan
- THE Chosen One
EVERY recent crappy HiE story have these three points in common, it's bad, overdone and boring.
You can't make this interresting, the crap factor is just too damn high to make the story enjoyable.
And why every story like this feature a US Marine ? There is so much more others military corps in the world. I'm going to be chauvinist, but ever heard of the French Foreign Legion ?
2599322
Well, its first person and the author really is a marine, so its a bit unfair to blame him for the abuse of the idea by others.
I don't think this fic is nearly as bad as its basic 7th element premise would suggest. Its certainly interested me in a way that no other HiE fic has managed to do.
2599541
I'm not one normally struck with inspiration. I only used the particular MC because i wanted to explore something I've learned in a world unaccustomed to it.. I've read a lot of fics, but the only thing I've pulled from any of them here is the MC's first person past tense narration, common to Harry Dresden crossover stories.
2599322
Your comment made me want to see an HiE story about a Gurkha being sent to Equestria. Madness ensues.
2599863
There is already stories about pirates, vikings or Roman legionnaries in Equestria. These stories are not good, but at least the MC is a bit more original than the classic US marine in Equestria we see everyday here ( and than Celestia banish to the sun after the first or second chapter ).
2605333I guess the genre has been over used a bit. I haven't seen the approach I'm taking with this used too much however. I don't want to explain to much of the story, but this isn't going the direction everyone seems to think it is, and the only OC's besides the MC serve as minor background characters. Just wait till chapter 3.
cant wait also to all who say the 7th element thing wont work isnt the goal of a fanfic to be creative and see where your mind can go. also the name of the site is fimfiction is it not. nowhere in the title of the site did i see the words creativity not welcome. give it a chance who knows it may be the next fimfiction hit
2607466 Chapter 3's out
2607466
The reason the "7th element thing wont work" is that the canon of the show establishes that all the elements are required for their magic to work. If there was a seventh element, Nightmare Moon would never have been defeated in the very first episode because he was still dicking around on Earth.
That's why Seventh Element stories are bullshit.
2607789
This is really gonna suprise you guys when the title is explained. The elements of harmony stand alone here. The 7th element is not the concept you seem to think it is. However, for the sake of the story, I can't allude any further, and the title must remain the same.
Just think about what could break harmony for now.
2607834
Then how is it the seventh element? The term "element" is used to describe the Elements of Harmony.
260787
Boy, I wish I could tell you. Even if you were going to pass this fic off as crap and never even read it. If I'd had know the title would have brought all these pre conceived notions, I may have named it something else.
It would be better to hear criticism about how well I tell the story, how I include the characters, and how I utilize their personalities. Instead. I keep getting attacked on my choice of story type based of standards I didn't know existed.
@ commissar-rarity canon has nothing to do with creative writeing. if it did the site would be fim conon fanfic and my main charecture wouldnt be able to marry twi. your arguement is invalid
i like where this is going man also exelent use of military tactics well played. im sure you will appreciate my use of them in my series. also i can even see this as a series just saying lol. seeing as each story in my series involves a different intety but also stays true to the story being told. a hard thing to do but sofar you are doing it great. also exscuse some of my misstypes as i useing my controler for my xbox lol
An Xbox controler? Wow. I have to do a lot of typing on my phone with my computer being down. It creates a lot of problems with paragraph formatting.
Inoticed that in your stories include the use of military tactics as well. I study this shit on a daily basis as a team leader. I don't think I'd make this a series, it has a really dramatic climax, and the ending really brings things to a close. Its meant to be a recount of an experience.
2610344
i.imgur.com/Ir5ITdS.png
use this to actually reply 'kay?
My argument is invalid because the word canon isn't in the site name. Okay, yeah. But the readers - well, the discerning ones - want the fics they read to make sense canonically. You're free to post your "
selfinsertmain character marries Twi" fic, but you'd get more hate than love for it.2607905
It's not too late to change it.
2611557
Unfortunately, it is now. I've got a lot of the story written ahead, and the title is important to the plot. Rest assured, this isn't going where people think it is.
The first problem I can see with this fic is the grammar. But that's easily fixed. I think the fact that you actually reference the show itself is a tad unnecessary as well, but I will continue reading to see if anything else seems out of place.
Another problem I see is that you seem to have trouble focusing on one subject at a time. I don't think you need to mention the crystal heart unless it's an important plot element.
2611667
AnythingI mentioned alludeds to something in the future. I'll try to get to a computer to recheck spelling and grammar
I think you could have done a better job introducing the fact that your character is a brony. You would do good to use more subtlety in your writing. I think this character's personality and back story is quite interesting, though.
2611557and who mde you the fiction writeing police. you know what iv had better arguments with youtube trolls. i bid you adue good sir
Op, now you've done it. Can we keep the war in the story?
my final comment on anything not story related..SO LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD!!. i got into this fandom due to the creativity of the fans. that being said why are there those out there who try to stifle ones creative process. it makes no since and never will. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN DONT ----ING READ IT SIMPLE. but dont just make negitive comments for the sake of doing so there is critiqueing something then there is being just nasty and rude
2611696actualy in my opinion he did an outstanding job on the elaboration on his oc being a brony hint read the first chapter again lol
2611938i dont see why not lol. or is that not canon either lol.. hmm i wonder cannons a bullet reference an elite flying team and a tank reference.... yeh id say its canon lol
2599322
Why would you put a French military force in a story? 1 chapter in they'd surrender.
2611474 ahhhh got ya. well lets hope it was one you took something away from
lol sorry just realized what i said there.. obviously you did your turning into a fan fic lol
2612208
2612208
Hey don't laugh about my country you 'Murica!
You won't get any onion otherwise!
/me gives an "omelette *au* fromage" to 2612208
The Foreign Legion isn't just French
A good chapter, albeit one that feels like mostly setup for the more juicy stuff to come. Looking forward to more.
2632929chapter 4 is on its way. I got 4 days to go visit my family, so that's what's taking so long.
2634112
I wasn't trying to pressure you by any means, you're updating much faster than I do. You're done when you're done.
i would like to tell you that there is already a story called the 7th element
and its was made way before this (5th July 2012)
if you let me i will send you the link
2663338
Not neccissary, I believe you. I'm thinking or retitling the story, but nothing else seems to fit the bill.
2663356h ow about elements of harmonys 7th element the element of war
2663777
Close, but the idea is to save equestria from the effects of war. This is about prtecting what is already in place
element of order/balence. element of order from son of slavery or something like that.
Snake Stalker didn't much of an impression at first, but he really grew on me in this chapter. I hope he isn't just a starter villain, but I'd like to see him make it all the way to the finish before he gets taken down.