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Explosion! That's the thing that Music Clef remembers as she blacks out. When she wakes up,she's surrounded by people in a strange-looking universe. She can go back into Equestria,and see Ponyville,but a mysterious pony named Ghost Mare has been warning Ponyville by trying to demolish it,but with her Alicorn powers half-gone,will she ever really see Ponyville alive?
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
I'm going to assume this is not a trollfic. You need to start a new paragraph each time someone else speaks. That alone will go a long way towards making this readable.
Now for the plot. I don't understand what's going on. You didn't set anything up. You just assumed the reader would know what you were thinking when you wrote it. This looks more like something I'd see in a third chapter, not the first. In addition, everyone who isn't your original character is ridiculously out of character. Considering I barely know anything about TF2, that's saying something.
I suggest you read the FiMFiction writing guide. It will help immensely.
Thanks for the feedback,y'all! I'll try to understand what readers will think of this. I'll still continue this. This isn't a trollfic. As for those photos,I understand that you might not like this as I continue. It might have hurt me,but,I understand. Some of my fanfictions on deviantART also has negative feedback.
Thanks for the feedback,y'all! I'll try to understand what readers will think of this. I'll still continue this. This isn't a trollfic. As for those photos,I understand that you might not like this as I continue. It might have hurt me,but,I understand. Some of my fanfictions on deviantART also has negative feedback.
You really need to explain the setting of this story, I'm unable to understand what happen here.
And Jphyper is right, everyone act OoC.
I'm sorry.
From the feedback I'm getting,I might cancel this.
2618705 Don't cancel, rework. Is it your first fic?
As for all those who think that Music Clef is Ooc,I'm only focusing on the main Point-of-View character. Next is Fluttershy.
It's good, but I agree with Jphyper. The ponies seem out of character compared with the classes and you need a lot of work with the paragraphs. Here's the way I think of them. Think of each paragraph like you do in expository writing. Every time that the main idea changes, start a new paragraph. For example:
Rainbow Dash kept her eyes on the goal of clouds as she raced closer and closer to it. She could feel the wind arcing around her body as she sped closer. Closer. Almost there!
Suddenly, a flash of yellow sped past her and crossed the line, ending her excited mood. When Rainbow cleared the finish line, she stopped to see who had beaten her at the last second. It was a mare with yellow fur, a red mane, and a fireball as her cutie mark.
As you can see, the first paragraph details Rainbow Dash's feelings as she moves closer and closer to her goal. The second paragraph details her feelings at being beaten and describes a new character. Try to think about the topic of each paragraph when you're editing your story/chapters.
I love the story though. A way to fix the character portrail as far as which pony is in which class, here's what I would personally recommend. Double check it with other people though and see what they think.
Rainbow Dash: Scout
Fluttershy: Medic
Pinkie Pie: Pyro (because, let's be honest, she's crazy. That's not a bad thing.)
Rarity: Spy
Applejack: Engineer
Twilight: Sniper (Due to her immense concentration and patients (in some cases))
Zecora: Demoman
Music: Heavy
Big Mac: Soldier
Notice, I didn't change all of them. I did like your choice of Rarity, Big Mac, and Zecora. The rest seem mixed up though.
Now, to put the ponies in a situation where they can change classes, what if you made the first battle an epic fail for everyone except for the characters that you'll be keeping the same? Just an idea. Good story though and I can't wait to read more.
>> Jphyper
Yeah,it's not a trollfic. I'm tryin' ta get mah story better,dis is mah second-ever fanfic.
>> FicusCat
I'm focusing on all the actions of the point of view character,FYI.
>> LightStriker
Thanks! You let me continue my fanfic. It's just the fact I get such negative votes.
>>Mudkipman98
And Applejack?
And I made Fluttershy Sniper for when she met the Medic when Scout unlocked the door in the first chapter,she was scared of the Medic for his quote “I have no idea”.
No idea whats going on
I don't play TF at all, or it seems you NEED to know the game to understand the context and references of the story ( if there is ).
Other thing, the story has a wall of text feel, try to indent and break it more.
mylittlefacewhen.com/f/926
2623114
It seems you're right.