In Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle meets a new friend, Octavia Melody, who helps her cope with the loneliness of being separated form her old friends in Ponyville. As time goes on, Twilight becomes more attached to the cellist than she originally intended. Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, a certain unicorn begins to realize just how much she misses her former neighbor...
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chapter isa little short, but I am really liking this idea
this...i like this...i demand MOAR!!!!
I like the idea, but you need to let your characters breath more. Let them develop naturally. In the space of a paragraph Octavia goes from being off-put by Twilight to comfortable and relaxed. Then surprised and excited to tutor her.
At current Octavia has almost no personality to speak of, you waved away all the oppertunity to develop her in a few words to speed the plot along and make her Twilight's tutor.
The problem is that, right now, she is a cardboard cutout with just as much life. I'm not saying the story is bad, I'm not saying you don't know who Octavia is, but if you do you haven't shown it to us. If you haven't yet, you need to get inside her head and see the world through her eyes.
She is a cello player, okay, but what else? She's a prodige and an earth pony noble. She is famous and sought after among her peers. These are all things that will affect who she is, but they are not Her. Is she happy or sad? Content? Is she stuck up or does she resent her parents wealth? Does she like playing classical music or does she want something more? Does she know she likes mares? Do her parents? I could go on, but I think you get the point I'm trying to make.
Anyways, I'll stick around for another chapter to see how things develop.
Hmm, simple. Interesting. And it's rarely if ever been done before. I shall follow.
We need more Twivi fics out there.
It's not half bad.
Hm. This has potential.
You've caught my interest. Spin us a good story, now.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I am looking forward to this...
The story shows promise, but in addition to what Honey Mead said, there are quite a few grammar and writing issues. Try and get a pre reader, or check your story more thoroughly yourself before you upload it. Also take Honey Mead's advice into account and this could really go somewhere.
i really like this story so far, 77 likes and 0 dislikes that really says something does it not?
Twilight x Octavia? That's one I've not seen before and I must say I'm intrigued. An excellent first chapter!
2674530 Keep in mind this is just a prologue. And pretty well done at that. It sets up a motive for the pair to see each other, pulls us into the story and gives us some character development from the first and more central protagonist. Give the author time to let the story breathe and take your thoughts into consideration and I'm sure it'll look wonderful.
That said, there are several nasty word usage errors here. Mostly all typos. I would recommend you give your stories a once-over and getting a proofreader before publishing them. It helps quite a bit, all told.
Good luck
2687680 yeah, in retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to type the last half of the chapter out at one in the morning. i'll fix that soon, i promise, but i want to get part two up first.
also, Honey Mead does have a good point. i was so focused on getting just enough information across to set up the premise that i didn't give the chapter any depth. and sadly, that is something i do a lot, so neither you, he, or anyone else so be afraid to point it out when i do.
2687704 that said, this is a prologue. I think you performed more admirably than you give yourself credit for. Once again, good luck in your writing. I'll be watching this one.
2687680
Prologue is not a magic word that grants an author clemency for poor characterizations. A prologue sets the scene and the tone. A good ship-fic is all about the characters and how they interact, shoe-horn that and you have nothing but a pg rated clop-fic. It would have been better if Octavia and Twilight had not even meet at this point, instead focusing on them as separate ponies to establish who they are over forcing them to interact. You might not care so much about characters, but for me that is all that matters.
Again, I'll say I'm willing to wait for the next chapter before I decide if I'll stick around.
2688605 no, but given the prologue was set from Twilight's perspective, we might allow the author to not develop the characters beyond her much until the actual story begins. Plenty of great stories that have focused on multiple characters have started with the focal point, while introducing everything else, and then have the other characters develop later. Characterization is the most important part of the story to me, but it is not the only.
2688808
If he had done that it would have been fine, but he didn't. It's primarily written from Twilight's perspective, but not exclusively. And this feels really awkward, like talking about someone who is standing right next to me, so I'm going to stop now.
Also: consider waiting until you have 4k words as that is the minimum for it to reach the feature box.
2684247 do have any recommendations on pre readers i could use?
2691378
Depending on how expansive you expect this story to be I am willing to help. I'm already involved in enough large scale projects that I don't really want to add another to my to-do list, but if you think you will be keeping the chapter under 5k I shouldn't have any problems.
2691421 i don't how big it's going to be. odds are, it probably will be under under 5k, but i can't guarantee anything. i'll let you know when it's done.
2691378
Well, you could check out the author support group, they have quite a few people who offer their pre reading services (there is a link on their front page I believe).
That was really quite good... Okay, a bit more than just "quite good". It was very good.
I look forward to seeing more
2830780 i was only gone a month. anyway, glad to know you like it!
the chapter was a little to short for the wait. and it did nothing to push the plot forward.
What
He waheiress to Shimmer Minerals
What does he washeiress mean?
Hmm... I like that Butler. For one, he doesn't just blindly obey, but he also sees past Octavia's facade (I suppose she's trying to hide her annoyance/disappointment), he understands that she gave her parents the best news she had ever given them and the first thing they think: Money! They couldn't care less about their daughter and the fact that she just got the chance to freaking work personally for a princess, not as a servant or the likes, but as their tutor, above the princess.
Those are some of the most despicable kinds of parents... The ones that only see their children's success as a source of income, not as a source of pride which it should be.
2831872 there is nothing like a good butler, etiquette shall be remembered alongsides the likes of jarvis and dear i say it.... alfred
2831736 it was supposed to be "was heiress." it's fixed now.
2831872 don't be so quick to judge those two. they'll get their fair share of development before the end.
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/109212453/Deadpool-%20rocket.gif
Not bad. A shame it's been so long since the last update though. Has this been dropped, or put on hiatus?
3359050 it's not on hiatus, really. i'm just having a little trouble with the next chapter. i hope to have an update sometime in the next week, or at least before the month is out. thanks for faving by the way. i'm a big fan!
Well that's good to hear.There really isn't as much good Twitavia as I would like. Also, glad you liked my stories as well.
3371747 how could i not be? seriously, everyone go read this guy's stuff. in fact, why haven't you already?
I would love an update... anything would do
but I also know that things happen to where you cant get new ones out... so.... im sure we all understand the lack of updates... though that wont change the want for some more lol
4077331 it's coming, just...very slowly.
4078245 lol I can live with that
Great story so far you definitely earned my like and fav :P
4078245 so...is this story dead...or what?
5929364 no, but i can't get more than a few sentences before everything freezes up in my head, or i decide i don't like what i wrote and erase it. so...i don't have any idea when the next chapter's coming.
5930857 maybe you could get another author to help you? I suggest asking The Abyss for help? He's a great author and editor.
5930857 have you made any progress with the new chapter?
5930857 oh you canceled it?
I wish you could have continue this story
oi continue it now