Flowers in the Ash

Changelicious #1 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

Pacing is too fast and there are some weird bits here and there ("The limb had also been immobilized in a splint rendering it immobile"), but the core idea is interesting.

ShadowOfOrder

ShadowOfOrder #2 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

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No one is going to read it if you don't give a description!!! All you say is that it's the first fic you've wrote. You have to tell what it's about.

Delicious

Delicious #3 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

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You forgot to capitalize Twilight a few times, and even if somebody is yelling a question, it is still a question and the question mark should be used. Especially since the sentence after that question states that Derpy is yelling. You could even use !?, but I'm not sure it's grammatically correct, if it's not then it at least gets the point across better. Other than those two, I found nothing wrong grammar wise. I expect you to fill up everything plot wise though. Why is there a war? What happened to all the other Ponyvillians? If Twilight is such an important person, why is she just a private? Why is Derpy there? Why did so many people join Luna's side, which brings us back to the first question. Whenever you write a story involving civil war, you better have all your facts straight. Oh yea, and you never mentioned any of the plot in the description. Slowly filling in all the plot holes in future chapters if you decide to continue would be good, though.

PBY_Jacko115

PBY_Jacko115 #4 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

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Even though you indented the paragraphs, you need to space them out.

'Suddenly, Twilight’s ears perked up, she had heard a dull thud from the floor above and muffled cursing, probably her unknown host. Very cautiously, Twilight lowered her three uninjured hooves onto the ground and managed to stand up off the couch. Unfortunately, the unicorn was still light headed from blood loss, and this coupled with having only three hooves on which to balance caused her to come crashing down off the side of the sofa, landing face first on the carpet but fortunately causing no further injury. The mare made a few feeble attempts to get up, but during the fall she had managed to wedge her injured leg beneath the couch and couldn’t shift position without causing herself immense pain.
Judging by the sudden sound of hooves galloping down a nearby stairway, this commotion had not gone unnoticed by the pony upstairs. “well” twilight thought, her nose digging into the rug “I guess I have to meet them sooner or later”.'

Should be like so :

'Suddenly, Twilight’s ears perked up, she had heard a dull thud from the floor above and muffled cursing, probably her unknown host. Very cautiously, Twilight lowered her three uninjured hooves onto the ground and managed to stand up off the couch. Unfortunately, the unicorn was still light headed from blood loss, and this coupled with having only three hooves on which to balance caused her to come crashing down off the side of the sofa, landing face first on the carpet but fortunately causing no further injury. The mare made a few feeble attempts to get up, but during the fall she had managed to wedge her injured leg beneath the couch and couldn’t shift position without causing herself immense pain.

'Judging by the sudden sound of hooves galloping down a nearby stairway, this commotion had not gone unnoticed by the pony upstairs. “well” twilight thought, her nose digging into the rug “I guess I have to meet them sooner or later”.'

Other than a few grammar mistakes, this is a fine story. However, I do recommend a beta reader for you grammar mistakes. I can be at service if you need it.

MagicalEntaty