A Day in the Life of Tempest

by Tempesttheblindpegasus

Family Troubles

Tempest stood outside the Ponyville hospital for a long time, wanting to go in, yet too afraid to enter. He was afraid that it could be too late; he hadn’t heard from his mother for a few weeks. He gulped and trotted in place, trying to make his final decision to either go in or go home. He made up his mind and trotted into the hospital, Flitter deciding to stay outside in a tree for now.

“I am here to visit a Miss Palletta, in room three zero five,” Tempest said as he walked up to the receptionist.

“Close friend or family?” Said the eggshell colored receptionist, her voice nasally like a stereotypical receptionist. Her blue mane was in a tight bun.

“Family,” Tempest guessed that this was the mare’s first day on the job, since most of the other receptionists knew him and would let him right in.

The receptionist found his name and let him through to go to his mother’s room. Tempest stepped into the elevator and felt the wall until he found the third floor button. As the doors closed, he sighed and hoped that it wasn’t too late. He hoped that his mother was still alive. She was the only pony left that mattered to him.

The elevator stopped and he stepped out onto the third floor. He placed his hoof on the wall, knowing that there was a braille directory nearby. When he found it, he felt around with his hoof to find room 305. He gulped and headed down the Intensive Care wing of the third floor, pressing his hooves against the numbers of the rooms to help him find the way.

Author's Note:

Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Comments

[BloomBoy06]

The chapters are shorter than what I'm used to, but you have an excellent premise that I'd love to see continue. It tends to be about 1000 words per chapter (as is the minimum to post a story) on this site, but whatever works for you since it flowed well, but condensing chapters [for example, these four mini-chapters into a "chapter one" of sorts] would make it easier on the reader, you know, not needing to press "next" for each scene change. I'd also give a description of the story rather than just giving the first two sentences of the story. I feel readers want to know what the story will be about, which should pique their interest in the story. Look forward to seeing more of Tempest, you make him an interesting character and Flitter is the first fruit bat I've seen used as a prominent character in a story.

[Lanafilly]

Okay.. so.. tried reading your story... I couldn't get past the first chapter really sorry to say. Allow me to explain why.

First of all the BIGGEST problem is you are only telling your story, instead of SHOWING your story. You list his actions in almost a bullet list format, you need to use words that lead into the next to make things flow. Now doing that doesn't mean use an excess of words, or words that are flowery and whatnot, but use what works with words you like.

Another glaring problem is your chapter seperations, if you are going to devote a WHOLE chapter only to his morning routine, make things MUCH more detailed, write down what he is feeling, what he is hearing, smelling etc (I.E: his senses).

That is really all I can say since I really only skimmed the first chapter. If you have questions about my criticisms and want me to elaborate on something then send me a PM and I'll be more than willing to answer them.

Oh and before I forget, some stories that you should read as to give you good examples of what I touched on.

Harmony Theory
The Powers Of Harmony
Blue Angel
A Novice Swordsman in the Canterlot Court
Who we are
Tears of an Empty Sky ***
The Longest Night ***
The ones that have stars next to them are sad stories and ones you should definately read if you are making this a sad story.

Again if you have any questions feel free to send me a PM or a comment on my page

[Tempesttheblindpegasus]

2563791
I thank you for your hints and tips.
I should have probably mentioned in the Author's Note of the first chapter that this is the rough draft, and I limited myself to a maximum of one page per chapter (since it's a school project, and my teacher doesn't want long chapters.)
I promise this will get more detailed (and possibly longer chapters) after I turn the first draft in to my teacher to get it reviewed.

[Tempesttheblindpegasus]

2563755
Thanks for the compliments!
And as I have stated in reply to Lanafilly's comment, this is the rough draft phase and it will get longer and better in time.
The part about the description, I agree it's not the best, but I'm not too sure what to put in there exactly. If you have a suggestion of what I could put in, I'd like to hear it. (That goes for anyone else ho has an idea for the description)

[Viking Hoof]

huh, I have a story about a blind pegasus too, but mines about a filly. Will check this story out later.