Rarity's Army

by BronyDan

Chapter 9

A few weeks later, as more ponies were suggesting even more plans of defence, Rarity decided to address everypony one evening with a new system. “Now, due to the overwhelming large ideas of defence, I have decided that we shall be holding a monthly competition for Best Improvised Weapon or Method of Defence. You shall be given a chance to demonstrate your method here in the hall, and when all have been shown, we shall have a vote for which is the superior to use. A prize will be rewarded, which will be paid for out of the platoon’s funds, and will be provided by Lance-Corporal Pinkie Pie. What is the prize Pinkie?”

“It’s two muffins and ¼ pound of Jaffa Cakes.” said Pinkie, holding up a carefully wrapped package.

“Excellent.” smiled Rarity, “Now we have two entries this month, Private Rainbow Dash and Private Applejack.”

“Hey Pinkie, could ya’ll help me with mine?” said Applejack, standing up and leading Pinkie Pie into the office.

“Well, while they’re getting ready, I suggest we listen to Rainbow Dash’s new Anti-Tank Device.” said Rarity, as she and Twilight pulled out two benches from the back of the hall, and indicated for everypony to sit down on them.

Rainbow Dash reached into her bag and pulled out five dinner plates. “Now, imagine this floor is the road.” she said as she began putting the plates down in front of her, “So when a tank is coming, I put these plates, upside down, in a row along the road.”

“So this is supposed to be an Anti-Tank Device?” asked Twilight.

“Yeah that’s right.”

“With dinner plates?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, carry on.” sighed Twilight rolling her eyes. Rainbow Dash continued with her demonstration.

“Now the Changeling tank is coming along the road, but suddenly he sees the row the plates in front of him. He doesn’t know what they are, they could be mines, so he stops, climbs out the tank and gets out to have a look. In the meantime, we shall be hiding under cover, and as soon he gets near the plates, BAM!! We let him have it!”

“Yes, not bad Rainbow.” said Rarity, with a little bit of uncertainty in her voice, “I suggest we call on Private Applejack with her idea.”

The office door opened and Pinkie Pie waddled in, with four halves of tyres across the top of her body and wearing her steel helmet. “Alright mares and gentlecolts!” said Applejack loudly, as if she was in the market, selling something, “What we have here may be the most sophisticated piece of defence ever, as this shall guarantee you 100% protection from any…”

“Applejack, you’re not in the market.” said Rarity, sternly, “Just show us the demonstration.”

“Well, it’s an All Body Protector from shooters in the air.” said Applejack, picking up a bat she had brought with her, “You see it’s made out of two tyres cut in half, and this will protect you from and blow of a weapon, let me demonstrate.” She then stood on her hindlegs, and began whacking the tyres with the bat. “Feel that Pinkie?” she asked when she finished.

“Feel what?” asked Pinkie.

“Well, that really is a remarkable idea, Applejack.” said Rarity standing up to face the platoon, “Now I think it is best that we vote on the winner in the usual democratic raising of hooves. Now who likes Rainbow Dash’s idea?” four ponies raised their hooves and Spike raised his claw, “Now all those for Applejack’s?” the majority of the platoon raised their hooves, “Well I guess that makes Applejack the clear winner.”

Rainbow Dash grumbled to herself, kicking one of the plates and smashing it. “Don’t feel too bad Rainbow.” said Applejack as she picked up her prize, “I’ll share some of my Jaffa Cakes for you.”

“Yes, well done Applejack.” said Rarity, “In fact I may consider equipping the entire platoon. Let’s see, there are seventeen of us, two tyres for one pony, so that will mean getting thirty four tyres.”

“Well, there is a snag Rarity.” said Applejack, rubbing the back of her neck with her hoof, “You can’t get tyres anywhere, they’re very hard to find.”

“Well then why did you suggest it then?” Rarity sighed, “Well, in that case the prize ought to go to Rainbow Dash.”

“Now hold on, Sugurcube!” said Applejack standing up, “Just because they’re hard to find doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I do have some tyres back on the farm, and as it’s for the platoon shall we say, three bits a tyre?”

“Absolutely outrageous!” Rarity gasped.

“Excuse me, Rarity.” said Fluttershy, raising her hoof nervously in the air, “I happen to have some spare tyres, I had them when I was looking after some terribly ill monkeys a few years ago. You could have them for nothing.”

“Now that’s better. Thank you Fluttershy.” said Rarity, nodding her head.

“Well, how about I help cut them? One bit for each half?” said Applejack quickly, desperately trying not to lose a profit.

“That will be all, Applejack!” Rarity shouted, and Applejack sat back down sulkily. When everything had gone quiet, Rarity said “Now I have some important news. Next weekend, we and all the other Home Guard units in the area, will be taking part in basic training on large scale manoeuvres. Now I have no reason to believe that with all our resources, we shall certainly have the edge on the other units. I have also arranged for transport, so be ready at 12 o’clock on Saturday.”

As the train came to another sudden stop at the next station, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy tumbled off of their seats and into Rarity and Twilight’s laps. They had all been crammed into different compartments, and everypony agreed that the journey was quite uncomfortable. “When you said you got us some ‘Transport’, we were expecting actual military transport!” grumbled Rainbow Dash as she clambered back into her seat.

“Well this train does stop at the station quite close to the camp.” said Rarity, “We’ll be able to walk the rest of the way.”

“It also doesn’t help that some of us had to pay for our own tickets!” said Applejack, crossly.

“Well, I would have happily paid for all the tickets ,” said Rarity reassuringly, “unfortunately with these times, one cannot overspend their wages, and besides, I haven’t actually been making as much money as I usually would because of this war.” When Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked at her with suspicious glares, Rarity looked over at Twilight, “What time are we due at the camp?” she asked.

“1500 hours.” said Twilight. Rarity gave a bit of a confused look to her, “three o’clock.” Twilight sighed.

At half past two, the train finally reached their stop and they all clambered out onto the platform, carrying their rifles and saddle bags. As Pinkie tried to get everypony in line, Rarity and Twilight walked over to the end of the platform, Rarity pulling out two sealed envelopes. “Sealed instructions for opening sealed orders.” she read to herself, rolling her eyes a little; surely they didn’t need instructions on how to get the sealed orders. However she opened the envelope, unfolded the paper and read on, “‘Break the seal on the sealed orders and then destroy these instructions.’ Set fire to those please, Twilight?” she then handed Twilight the instructions.

“I haven’t got a match.” said Twilight.

“Well get Spike then.”

“Yes, but he may just send the instructions to Princess Celestia.”

“Well, don’t you know a fire spell, or anything similar?”

Twilight was starting to get quite irritated by Rarity’s constant ordering, so she folded the instructions up and placed on the platform. She lowered her head so that her horn was pointing at the paper, and her horn began glowing its familiar lavender glow. Then a jet of fire shot out of the end and hit the paper, which was engulfed in a ball of flame. Rarity jumped back in shock as the ball hit the ground and disappeared instantly, leaving a circular scorch mark on the platform and bits of black, burnt pieces of paper were slowly falling around them.

“Yes.” said Rarity slowly as a large bit of paper, still on fire, landed right at her hooves. She opened up the second envelope, which was a lot larger than the first one, and pulled out a map. Her eyes scanned over it. “Now, we are here,” she said pointing at one of the squares, “at ‘X’ railway point, map reference…” she then followed one of the horizontal lines from the left side of the map, and then a vertical line from the bottom until both met where the station was. “There is the hill over there and there is the battle school at map reference 21A.” she then folded the map back up and put it back in its envelope. “Well it’s only a mile away. We should be there in no time.”

“Platoon is ready!” came a loud voice behind them. They turned to see Pinkie Pie grinning and standing to a salute.

“Thank you Corporal.” said Rarity. She and Twilight followed Pinkie back over to the platoon who were standing in their usual three rows. “Now pay attention.” said Rarity in her officer’s voice, “As I have read the map and know exactly where the battle school is, I will be in front and Sergeant Twilight Sparkle will take up the rear. Now… right turn!” and on that command, they all turned their turned their bodies in unison, facing the slope off the platform. Pinkie took her place in front of Applejack, Twilight stood at the back and Rarity took the front. “Quick, march!” Rarity ordered and the platoon marched off the platform and just beyond the station ramp, a gate stood open leading down a dirt road. “Right wheel, forward!” Rarity shouted and she led the platoon through the gate.

As they marched through the countryside and rounded a corner, they came across a fork in the road. Rarity halted the platoon and consulted the map. When she was certain of the direction, she led them down the right-hand path. After another 15 minutes of marching, they came across another fork in the road and again, Rarity stopped to check the map and this time, led them down the left path. The other ponies started to see a continuous pattern; every time they came to a point where the road split, Rarity would first take them down the right road, and when they reached the next point, she would lead them down the left. This went on and on, until they found themselves walking onto a station platform. Rarity stopped them again as Twilight ran up alongside. “Rarity, I think we’re back where we started.” she said, knowingly.

“Yes, I know Twilight.” huffed Rarity as she took out the map, “I simply took a wrong turning. Shouldn’t be too difficult to get us back on track.”

Meanwhile over at the battle school, it was full of activity. Soldiers were marching up and down the rows of tents carrying their guns, while carts would arrive carrying supplies. “Now make sure that all the soldiers have all their equipment.” said the Captain to the Drill Sergeant as they strolled across the campsite, “Major General Hoofard will be wanting a full kit inspection within the hour.” He then stopped and looked at his watch, “Now where on Earth is the Ponyville platoon. They’re three hours late.”

“No, no, if we go that way, we’re likely to completely miss the camp and end up on the other side of that river.” The map was now laid out on the platform floor and everypony was huddled around, trying to map out a correct route.

“Look, why don’t I just fly ahead and try and spot the camp from above?” said Rainbow Dash, flying into the air, “I’ll come back and lead the way.”

“I will not have somepony in my platoon going off on their own, we’re all sticking together.” said Rarity and Rainbow Dash fluttered back down crossly. “Look,” Rarity continued as she put the map back into the envelope, “we’ll just go back the way we came and ask for help by one of those quaint little farms.”

Everypony groaned as they fell back into their rows and started marching back through the gate they had come through.

General Hoofard walked in front of the rows of soldiers standing to attention. His eyes looked down at the supplies in front of each pony, each with their own drink canister, food tins and an array of other items. He sighed heavily as he turned to address them; he felt he ought to be handling real soldiers instead of babysitting the Hole Guard, but he couldn’t deny that they did keep themselves in order. “Very smart men.” he said at last, “Now as you know, equipment is in short supply, so we must be great care of…”

His speech was cut off by the sound of ‘Chuff, chuff, chuff’ coming towards them. He turned his head to see a steam powered roller driving slowly into the campsite, towing a small cart in with fifteen ponies crammed into it. Rarity was sitting in the driver’s seat with Pinkie Pie standing in front of her, steering it.

“Alright Pinkie,” said Rarity over Pinkie’s shoulder, “We’re here, you can stop now.” but Pinkie wasn’t sure if she knew how to stop. She pulled down a lever and the roller started to go a little faster than what it usually went.

Suddenly, the rope tightened suddenly as the wheel of the cart was caught on a large rock outside the camp, until finally it snapped causing the cart to tilt backwards and everypony fell out into a crumpled heap on the road, their supplies tipping over them. “Rarity, the rope’s gone!” Twilight shouted to the still moving roller as she struggled to pull herself out of the pile.

“Pinkie, stop!” Rarity cried out frantically and she pushed Pinkie to the side to try and help stop it, “There is only two things you need to do!”

“I’ve done the two things, Rarity.” Pinkie cried out as she spun the steering wheel madly. The roller at the front shook from side to side until it was heading towards the line of supplies in the front row. The sound of plastic and metal being crushed could be heard as the roller steamed on showing no sign of stopping.

General Hoofard stood there, his mouth hanging open as it rolled past, looking at the two ponies on it fighting for control. “It’s that damn seamstress!” he shouted angrily as he saw Rarity, who now had grabbed hold of the steering wheel herself and steered the roller to the right and down the gap in-between the soldiers. But she had steered it too far and it was now crushing the line of tents behind.

As everypony watched this mishap, Twilight had pulled herself out of the pile of ponies and walked over to the Sergeant Major. “I’m so sorry sir, but I think we may have ruined your tents.” she said smiling innocently.

“Not to worry, Sergeant.” said the Sergeant Major, grinning maliciously, “YOUR lot were the ones who were going to sleep in them!”

Comments

[Darth Wedgius]

By the time the war's over, Rarity's going to get a medal. The only question is from which side.