You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Jphyper

Jphyper #1 · Apr 28th, 2013 · 1 · · That Fateful Day ·

Many problems here.
1) Info dump at the beginning. You need to work that into the story itself. It'll be a great first step towards alleviating Problem #3.
2) Minny. From what we've seen so far, she seems awfully close to being a Mary Sue. It's not too late to remedy this in subsequent chapters, but you'd better be careful.
3) Pacing. You rushed this in many places, especially the first half.

AYBABTUFTW777

AYBABTUFTW777 #2 · Apr 28th, 2013 · · · Geminate Germination ·

2497573

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! You have very good suggestions, I will try my best to work these into the story in the future. I know it isn't that good yet, but I'm hoping the more I write of it, the better it will get, and the better I'll get at writing it! Thanks again for giving it a read!

Ulti Shadow Lord

Ulti Shadow Lord #3 · Apr 29th, 2013 · 1 · · Backstory ·

Impending war..Do doo, do do do-da-loo-lee-da! We're all gonna die...ba-dum-ba-da Hacha!

AYBABTUFTW777

AYBABTUFTW777 #4 · Apr 29th, 2013 · · · Geminate Germination ·

2497573

Real quick though, could you explain why you think #2 is true? Thanks!

BATCAN

BATCAN #5 · May 2nd, 2015 · · · Geminate Germination ·

2500199 I'm with you on this one. I don't see any resemblance to a Mary Sue.....I'm still kinda suprised about the whole "fucking right after being brought back from the dead" thing but y'know...