Baby it's Cold Outside...

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Comments ( 13 )

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Idiot Boy

Idiot Boy #1 · Apr 28th, 2013 · 2 · ·

This story is absolutely hot and adorable, dont listen to a single person that downvotes you, i think its near perfection, keep,working on these things man :) Id love to read another one of these.

TessHM

TessHM #2 · Apr 28th, 2013 · · ·

Well, it was pretty good. Could use some improvement. One thing I noticed was the pacing felt a bit fast. Also, you're using too many ellipses (...). It's a bit annoying to read. For example, this whole paragraph:

With another deep breath, this one he held, Shady Daze pushed on, doing his best to loosen up his throat by swallowing over and over.... trying to ease his lover's colthood into his esophagus.... It worked.... he almost gagged a few times... but once the first inch or so was in he was alright.... it felt really weird.... His throat felt full... and the deeper he took it in the better it felt... it was getting him excited again already.

Was pretty awkward. I would suggest replacing those ellipses with periods.

Spooky

Spooky #3 · Apr 28th, 2013 · · ·

2494476
Agree

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #4 · Apr 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Nice story, enjoyable clop without going over the top.

Perhaps a little bit to fast at the start, but still a nice job.

Thumb up from me.

SwaZ_BlackouT

SwaZ_BlackouT #5 · Apr 29th, 2013 · · ·

bro shady daze is the colt from Rain Catcher tumblr:rarity starry:whats your tumblr name?

The Blankest of Flanks

The Blankest of Flanks #6 · May 1st, 2013 · · ·

Thanks for all the feed back. I'll be sure to get the second chapter out as soon as possible. And I'll be sure to work on the pacing for it too~ Glad to get some good feed back like that.
2501024
I didn't know there was a Tumblr with him. I just liked him from the show. And as for Tumblr, my name there is the same as here.

redactedandredacted

redactedandredacted #7 · May 16th, 2013 · · ·

You know those pornos where the acting is really awful... And so is the script, and the camera work, and the lighting, but it doesn't matter because it's porn and it's hot?

Yeah. That's this. Nice work, maybe consider employing the services of a proofreader for your work in the future cause you change tenses literally multiple times in a single paragraph.

Wither and wane