Love me some rarilight And this was pretty well written, I couldn't find any errors.

Excellent.

EDIT: Thumb up and set to e-mail. Too bad that Twilight won't be doing the fucking though. :c

Faved, upvoted, waiting for more. Always liked some good futa and your writing is pretty damn nice too.

That was pretty good. Just one thing that put me off: Please use "and" instead of "&" it just looks out of place in fluent narrative.

Hm. Obviously amateur, but pretty good for a beginner, and more futa is always nice.

Just... stop using &. You never use & in prose. Ever. & is for saving time when writing by hand and space when putting something on a sign. In prose it's just lazy and breaks the immersion. Badly. Unless you're describing a sign or what someone is writing in the story, I suppose.

Other than that, no major complaints.

There's a bit of room for improvement but this is damn good for your first one. Lot's of potential here I can tell. Fav'd.

I CAME!!!!!!!!!

2491285

I... fucked up there, I'm afraid. I just wanted to say "like comparing Thing A and Thing B when both are very different from each other but are both equally awesome". Putting it down exactly like that would've sounded... clunky.

You're going places. Yay for hot Twarity clop. Me gusta. But nao me want moar. Specifically futa!Dash and Twi like now plz asdfghjkl.

That was AMAZING for your first time! Can't wait for the next chapter. I believe you might have a future in this business.

Seriously? The Core Six?
Are you even a brony?

EDIT: Nevermind, fixed.

Wow! Really well written and cute premise.

I may or may not be interested, depending on whether or not Spike is going to get the sex he deserves. His volatile dragon physiology make his sexuality ambiguous enough that sex is acceptable with very little suspension of disbelief, and there are so many fanfics that play this card that "he's a kid" is really just an excuse to cock-block him. Please,for the love of Celestia's flank, assure me that he's not going to get left out while the rest of his friends have a blast behind his back. Besides, I have yet to see the girls enjoy him with transfigured anatomies.

You're overusing dialogue stutters. Once or twice works quite well, but neither pony has a nervous stutter in canon so it doesn't make sense for h-h-half their con-conversations t-t-t-to b-be like th-this.

Being your first clopfic, it sure as hell is good, at least for my tastes. Couldn't find any errors or such in text itself, and it was interesting to read.

Plus, I cannot say "no" if some RariLight is presented to me

Thumb and email. Keep on doing this, going great so far

I thoroughly enjoyed this story! The writing is well done and there weren't any mistakes or errors that I could see. The only problems I had really were the use of & like others pointed out, and also the use of "..." and "~" to emphasize your points. For example, when Twilight explains to Rarity what the spell is for is a great time for the use of "..." to show her nervousness. My suggestion would be to let the characters actions be the emphasis to get their point across, the symbols really took me out of the story when it was flowing well. I hope you keep up the good work and can't wait to see more from you

I like it, maybe a tad long a chapter for a clopfic (if you intend to make it a multi-part thing) considering the lack of story elements. But nothing serious.

Also the detail in your sex scenes is absolutely lovely. Hope you're encouraged enough to add more chapters/sexyfics, because I would like to read them. =)

This is hilarious, keep it up.

After several seconds, Rarity pulled her hoof away, and Twilight an unhappy moan at the ceasing of the good feelings

I hope that once this line is on single line, the mistake is easier to see. If not it's Twilight an unhappy moan". I think you just forgot the word "made" or some variation of the sort.
Also I found some minor grammatical problems but none that were too large to make a difference.

To end on a high note, This was a very good fic. I'm not that good with compliments.

First clop fic? Damn, son that's amazing.

Um, okay. Wow.

This was good. I mean, good.

And if you know me at all, I usually rage at featured clopfics.

This was good. Very good. There was one point where you had a single present tense sentence (that I noticed) but really, this was pretty damn mint.

cleansed the last 18 inches or so of her digestive tract of any waste material and harmful bacteria

Also, I love you for this. In most cases, they just go anal like it's no big deal, when, in reality, you have no idea if said pony was about to take a dump or not. Anal is rather disgusting in that regard if you think about it. You managed to make anal not-gross. You, I like you.

And this was your first clopfic you say. Hot damn, just wait 'till you get experience writing the stuff.

Oh yeah, right, I have to maintain a standard here. Rabble rabble clop is bad blah blah and you should feel bad for writing blah blah blah.

Have not read yet but Core Six? Have not heard that one before... still prefer the pun though. (Mane Six)

Huh. This... Huh.

I'll track.

~Skeeter The Lurker

And here's my first clopfic. This is probably gonna have a looot of chapters, so stay tuned!

This is probably gonna have a looot of chapters, so stay tuned!

gonna have a looot of chapters

looot of chapters

looot of chapters

looot of chapters

looot of chapters

looot of chapters

I LOVE YOU

2493925

Oh hey i know you

2491294 but the in story comparison actually worked.

A story that I actually don't mind Rarity's presence in. Huh...

that was wonderful

Wait, if the spell is set for simultaneous orgasm, then how did Rarity get off that first time?

2499923 Yeah, I noticed the same thing.

ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!

2499923
Maybe it has an "Oral Exception" built in.

This is pretty well done for a first attempt at a clopfic. I've read a lot of first attempts that aren't even half this good. There are a few things that you should certainly work on improving though.

Your premise is really flimsy. Now this isn't a problem for everypony Some readers like it when a clopfic gets right to the action. This can be just fine in a one-shot especially if you're doing it for a timed event, but since you're apparently looking to make this a multi-chapter story, you should spend a lot more time and effort refining the actual story elements.
A few of the more glaring points I noticed with this is how Twilight is contacted about the spell. You describe a group that apparently does research solely on sexual spells and apparently has access to detailed census data (meaning they almost certainly work for the government) yet it's just brushed under the rug as a basic Deus Ex Machina as if it's a common occurrence in Equestria. I'm sure Twilight is smart enough to realize that if they're using census data to choose whom to send the spell to then that information wouldn't tell them about her personality and sexual history, yet this in and of itself brings up further questions. Why would an apparently government backed research team send out a possibly controversial spell to random recipients just because they have the technical knowledge required to cast it? Why would they not use volunteers or a standard group that is used to testing spells for them?
Another glaring continuity issue is that you say the spell is designed to stop orgasm unless your partner experiences it too, yet right off the bat Twilight is able to suck off Rarity without this becoming an issue. If you're going to toss in a point because you think it'll make for a neat scene (like consistent simultaneous orgasms) then remember to keep things internally consistent.

You do a pretty good job of keeping the characters in character (at least as much as can be expected for several thousand words of pure clop). However you have both of them seeming far too experienced for two virgins. Even with outside knowledge (Twilight's books and Rarity's gossip) neither one has any real experience and turning theoretical knowledge into practical use tends to come with lots of little misunderstandings and small mistakes, yet both Twi & Rarity are somehow able to come off as experienced lovers from only hearing and reading about sex. I'd suggest giving them some little mixups, surprises, and mistakes that can be easily corrected to give them a more proper feel of two virgin's first time.

Lastly, you do a great job of describing feelings and thoughts throughout, that is a major bonus for you and something that skilled clop writers quite often forget or ignore, however, when you're describing action you tend to become very blunt and basic in your writing. Suddenly the skilled description and prose disappears in favor of short sentences that quickly describe the action with a minimum of detail. Expand on the actions and movements, give details and little flourishes hat help to paint the image in the minds of your readers. Make each description the 1000 words that give us the picture.

This is a good start, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you can do.

Ponies actually do possess hymens, so Twilight would be getting that experience, and I must say that the comments by Rarity that only females enjoy hair-pulling is certainly false. Other than that though, it was a good chapter. I look forward to reading the rest.

Rarity felt her blush deepen a little as her close friend stared intently at her package, looking at it with a blush of her own and almost-hypnotic awe. Without being aware of herself, Twilight slowly reached out toward it. But she caught herself before she could make contact, shaking the cobwebs out of her mind.
In response, Twilight reaches out again, this time making contact. Rarity lets out a sharp gasp, and then a shudder as Twilight softly, slowly strokes her forehoof up & down on the new part.

Past or present tense, pick one please.

And it’s magically calibrated to ensure s-synchronized orgasm; during intercourse, the pony with the... extra appendage can’t climax until their partner does. Rarity wanted to warn her very (very) close friend about what was coming, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak coherently at the moment. Finally, it happened.

I thought she couldn't orgasm unless Twilight did as well. Unless you're maybe saying that Twilight gasm'd from giving Rarity pleasure, but then there's this: “Twilight Sparkle…” she said. “Are you telling me that you have never, in your entire life, experienced an orgasm?”
“Um… Y-Yes…?”

It doesn't make sense, you broke your own rule 100 words in... Unless you were going on "They need to have intercourse intercourse or the rule doesn't apply. If that's the case, then you need to clarify...

I don't like coming off as edgy or as that guy, let alone in erotica of all things, but egh...

on another note: TWILIGHT I'M COME!

you should properly change the fact that she says she read how to give head in a "women's magazine" since I sincerely doubt this is humanized and they know what a human is. :p

Oh what must be done for the science of magic sex hard job but it must be done.(more then once hopefully)

Im aroused by this but i'm laughing too hard to even care about it