DKN117
Joined 29th Apr, 2012 ·
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The First Church of Revenge128 stories ·39 members
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Love me some rarilight
And this was pretty well written, I couldn't find any errors.
Excellent.
EDIT: Thumb up and set to e-mail. Too bad that Twilight won't be doing the fucking though. :c
Faved, upvoted, waiting for more. Always liked some good futa and your writing is pretty damn nice too.
That was pretty good. Just one thing that put me off: Please use "and" instead of "&" it just looks out of place in fluent narrative.
Hm. Obviously amateur, but pretty good for a beginner, and more futa is always nice.
Just... stop using &. You never use & in prose. Ever. & is for saving time when writing by hand and space when putting something on a sign. In prose it's just lazy and breaks the immersion. Badly. Unless you're describing a sign or what someone is writing in the story, I suppose.
Other than that, no major complaints.
There's a bit of room for improvement but this is damn good for your first one. Lot's of potential here I can tell. Fav'd.
I CAME!!!!!!!!!
2491285
I... fucked up there, I'm afraid. I just wanted to say "like comparing Thing A and Thing B when both are very different from each other but are both equally awesome". Putting it down exactly like that would've sounded... clunky.
You're going places. Yay for hot Twarity clop. Me gusta. But nao me want moar. Specifically futa!Dash and Twi like now plz asdfghjkl.
That was AMAZING for your first time! Can't wait for the next chapter. I believe you might have a future in this business.
Seriously? The Core Six?
Are you even a brony?
EDIT: Nevermind, fixed.
Wow!
Really well written and cute premise.
I may or may not be interested, depending on whether or not Spike is going to get the sex he deserves. His volatile dragon physiology make his sexuality ambiguous enough that sex is acceptable with very little suspension of disbelief, and there are so many fanfics that play this card that "he's a kid" is really just an excuse to cock-block him. Please,for the love of Celestia's flank, assure me that he's not going to get left out while the rest of his friends have a blast behind his back. Besides, I have yet to see the girls enjoy him with transfigured anatomies.
You're overusing dialogue stutters. Once or twice works quite well, but neither pony has a nervous stutter in canon so it doesn't make sense for h-h-half their con-conversations t-t-t-to b-be like th-this.
Being your first clopfic, it sure as hell is good, at least for my tastes. Couldn't find any errors or such in text itself, and it was interesting to read.
Plus, I cannot say "no" if some RariLight is presented to me
Thumb and email. Keep on doing this, going great so far
I thoroughly enjoyed this story! The writing is well done and there weren't any mistakes or errors that I could see. The only problems I had really were the use of & like others pointed out, and also the use of "..." and "~" to emphasize your points. For example, when Twilight explains to Rarity what the spell is for is a great time for the use of "..." to show her nervousness. My suggestion would be to let the characters actions be the emphasis to get their point across, the symbols really took me out of the story when it was flowing well. I hope you keep up the good work and can't wait to see more from you
I like it, maybe a tad long a chapter for a clopfic (if you intend to make it a multi-part thing) considering the lack of story elements. But nothing serious.
Also the detail in your sex scenes is absolutely lovely. Hope you're encouraged enough to add more chapters/sexyfics, because I would like to read them. =)
This is hilarious, keep it up.
I hope that once this line is on single line, the mistake is easier to see. If not it's Twilight an unhappy moan". I think you just forgot the word "made" or some variation of the sort.
Also I found some minor grammatical problems but none that were too large to make a difference.
To end on a high note, This was a very good fic. I'm not that good with compliments.
First clop fic? Damn, son that's amazing.
Um, okay. Wow.
This was good. I mean, good.
And if you know me at all, I usually rage at featured clopfics.
This was good. Very good. There was one point where you had a single present tense sentence (that I noticed) but really, this was pretty damn mint.
Also, I love you for this. In most cases, they just go anal like it's no big deal, when, in reality, you have no idea if said pony was about to take a dump or not. Anal is rather disgusting in that regard if you think about it. You managed to make anal not-gross. You, I like you.
And this was your first clopfic you say. Hot damn, just wait 'till you get experience writing the stuff.
Oh yeah, right, I have to maintain a standard here. Rabble rabble clop is bad blah blah and you should feel bad for writing blah blah blah.
Have not read yet but Core Six? Have not heard that one before... still prefer the pun though. (Mane Six)
Huh. This... Huh.
I'll track.
~Skeeter The Lurker
That big glaring bold print of SCENE BREAK...
That has GOT to go.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2494022
That and the time stamps are a little peculiar.
Otherwise I'm willing to see where this goes.
2494022
I would agree there are less distracting ways to do that that scream less THIS IS AN ONLINE PUBLICATION!
I will say Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are cute.
2494083
I don't much mind the time stamps, really.
Just that SCENE BREAK.
~Skeeter The Lurker
dude, this is AWESOME! i love the the lay out. you have the crazy awesome sex i one chapter, then the content touchy feely morning afterwords. i love it!
I LOVE YOU
2493925
Oh hey i know you
Well well well........ the plot thickens.
I'm sorry that was terrible of me, couldn't resist. Loving the direction this story is headed, looks like the 'Polyamory' group is getting a new gem added. Can't wait to see more.
plaes let thar be bendaeg plaes i baeg yuo plz
the idea of that a unicorn can only get off from having their horn stimulated while it's active is something i haven't seen before, so props for that
2494128
GASPES! I know of you as well!
Great minds think alike? Or drunk and/or sleep deprived minds think alike? (I like the second one, myself)
~Skeeter The Lurker
Ahh man, so Twilight can't cast this spell on herself? That's lame, dood.
OH well, I gave this a chance, and will be on my way, dood. Good day.
2494189 I know, I can't hate this because it's trying something that's rare...My brain just doesn't like to acknowledge Non-Futa-Twi if Twilight is a character in the story, dood.
It's a personal thing, It's well written for the parts I DID read, but my brain made me hit the back button quickly when Rarity grew a boner in the first chapter, dood.
I think it's earned it's featured spot, just not something I wanna read, dood.
Not going to lie, this could be improved. Of course, "could be improved" means that it DOES work, just not as well as it could. For me to tell you what specifically needs improvement would require another read in "editor mode".
A few vague ideas are all I can offer. Multiple orgasms: alright... I'm going to level with you. MY FETISH. That said, you don't see it --well done-- that often because it takes variety to keep it interesting. You did swap positions each time, but your vocabulary remained largely the same. This lends itself to the air of repetition. You tried to avoid it, and only a picky bastard like me would notice. Props for trying; most people don't.
Your shorthand. Won't go into depth here; others mentioned it. The ampersand (&) has got to go. Any other abbreviations or stand ins are generally bad practice in a story.
Well done for your first time. I myself have never written clop (or "normal" porn)... but I have pre-read it. Do you know how awkward it is to tell an author why his sexyponitimes needs work? Very. Very awkward.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfzpkiB3LC1qafrh6.gif
I can't help but feel that they're missing out on a great opportunity... After all, Rarity is a unicorn too, and Twi DID say the spell wasn't that hard to cast...
First I saw the title. Then I saw the mature tag. "Pffft, it's probably nothing I'm interested in."
'Yo dawg, futas be in dis fic'
"Alright, welcome to the read later list."
Dangit. I shakefist at the sudden PinkieDash outta nowhere!
I was hoping for something else, as my avatar would suggest 
Ah well, this is still a fun read. Tracking it~
2494502
I think that will come after the "everypony had sex with Twilight"-week.^^
Han may be an idiot, but dealing with the Quarians is worth it when it comes to Tali.
2494022
Agreed.
Perhaps just a line of tildes. Maybe a small image, like say, of Twi's cutie mark?
2494826
Renegade interrupt. Punch him in the gut. Highly satisfying, even if paragon.
RED
GREEN
BLUE
There, no need to finished ME3. You can use the time to write some more.
Please don't stop! Loving it so far!
2496491
Scan the comments below and see my response to MyDigitalHazard on the matter.
2491294 but the in story comparison actually worked.
On a ten point scale of clopfics, I would put this at about a six. It's good overall, but a little clumsy in many places,I'm sure that simple practice will cure that quickly enough.
However, two things bother me about this story. First is that the positions as described are not feasible for equines. Human sex positions simply do not work when your legs have different joints.
Second, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine that a pair of virgins would try anal on their first night. Anal is not automatically sexy. It's painful without proper prep work, and even those who enjoy it are normally turned off at first by the thought of (sorry for the crudity) crap involved with sex.