Schoolhouse Shenanigans
By Florarena Crimsonflame Kitasatina Mestina Dragonborne Fox

Reviewed by Asilin

Decided to jump back to the bottom of the Crossover folder and get some of the older stuff cleared. Which means that I get to cover another of Florarena’s Kitasatina’s Dragonborne’s stories.

The technical crossover here is with Epic Battle Fantasy (EBF), something I had to go back to the first story in this sequence to find out. I have a passing familiarity with EBF in that I recognize the game, but I haven’t played much of it. Just didn’t interest me, so I mostly played to get the 5 point badge on Kongregate and was done with it. It’s JRPG type game that feels kind of like a side scroller.

However, like I noted in my other review, this isn’t technically a crossover fic. While it may earn the tag according to Fimfic’s rules, the characters have been living in this setting for years according to this fic. The setting itself has been adjusted to accommodate for allowing the characters to live here (apparently, the human world merged with Equestria or something?), which makes this a solid AU setting. Heck, the story focuses on the children of the previous generation.

But it’s in the crossover folder, so here we go.

Chapter One begins by making sure we know that this is an AU setting; it spells out that it’s been 10 years since whatever the merging was, and I guess it’s now a time of unmitigated peace. A Pax Equestria, if you will. How else do you explain Changelings being able to live openly among the populace?

Anyway, we’re then introduced to our…heroes. Kinda. If this were a movie, we’d be hearing the opening credit music play as we panned along with this opening. It’d be bright, innocent music, a reflection of the sweet perfection that the town is supposed to convey as we watch random villagers go about their daily lives while we focus on a single group moving through on their way to school.

It’s touching, really.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a movie, so this sort of opening doesn’t exactly work. We go through 676 words of character and setting description before we get a name.

And it’s not even the name of one of the characters that have been meticulously introduced. We just get told that Miss Cheerilee has walked into the class. I guess she doesn’t need extra description?

Anyway, the main reason why this sort of opening doesn’t work outside of movies (or other visual media) is because we don’t have an opportunity here to become emotionally invested in the situation. A movie can do that because there are visual cues and scenes that can cue us to who we’re supposed to care about, the good guys, bad guys, etc. A book doesn’t have that same shortcut. That’s why the first line is so immensely important: it serves as a hook. Here, though, there’s no hook, no emotional presence that we can attach to. There’s nothing here to challenge us. As it is, we’re supposed to care about the 12 (13, if we count the human teacher) characters who are only described to us. Seriously. 676 words, and not one line of dialogue or name.

Also, one of the characters is stated to be “five months along”. Speaking as someone who had a child in recent time (little one’s a year old now!), that’s the least descriptive thing I’ve ever read. Anecdotally, I still wasn’t particularly showing at 5 months. I had to show my ultrasounds in order to really prove it. It wasn’t until the next month that it became noticeable. Every woman, and every pregnancy, is different, so you can’t just say that someone is “X months along” because they could be showing more or less than what’s “expected”. Heck, some women never even show up through giving birth!

Anyway.

The rest of this chapter finally names the kids, who I can’t keep track of at this point because they’re not really introduced in any memorable way and are done all at once, we go through a bit of their school day and then—horror of horrors!—one of them gets jumped on the playground for being different.

As a parent, this is a worst nightmare scenario, but as a writer, this is both overwhelming and underwhelming all at once. Overwhelming because it seems to come out of almost nowhere (we get a few lines about how she’s a freak), and underwhelming because seriously? This is the crisis we’re going to be focusing on? Schoolyard bullying? When there’s no emotional connection to make us care?

I have no idea if I should be upset that this girl is getting bullied or not.

Bullying stories work if we care about a side. We have to know and like the victim to feel horrified that they’d be picked on for whatever minor thing. We have to know and like the bully if we’re supposed to feel sorry for them for doing such cruel things in their attempt to achieve normalcy against whatever issues are in their background. Heck, we can even be made to feel like maybe the victim deserves the bullying, but that’s a bit harder. But you can’t just say that a person is getting bullied and expect us suddenly care about the victim. We’re not invested in them yet.

Besides, speaking as a victim of schoolyard bullying, two boys physically jumping her? On the first day? That’s way too unrealistic. Kicking sand in her face? Covertly tripping her? Sure. But first days are the most attentive time a teacher will be on the playground. You’re going to get caught.

Moving on, the last bit of the chapter finally introduces the adults, we find out that the two bullies are going to be punished by having a parent-teacher talk, and if things continue, well, it’ll be detentions and more homework for them!

Please note that, while our public schools do try to handle things small scale, assault generally ranks a bit more of an initial punishment than just “we’ll talk to your parents”. Just saying.

Also, schools don’t start on Fridays. They either go the full week or a half-week that starts on Wednesday. You honestly think any child, or parent, is going to ship their kid off for one day of school when it starts on a weekend? Hell, do you know how big a fit the teachers would throw if they had to work only a Friday? Can’t keep the students attention on a normal Friday, sure as hell not going to keep it on the First Day of School Friday.

Chapter Two is basically dinner? We have some conversation about how some people are mean because they don’t like what’s different from them, but beyond that, it’s just a bunch of people eating. And apparently we’re in a mansion because one of the characters has an army? And hires waiters because I guess we can’t just call them servants? And it’s an army of man-maids? What the hell’s a man-maid? No, I don’t think that’s ever properly explained.

Also. Worst character attribution ever:

Answered the Nazi.

That’s not a good way of making sure we’re sympathetic with your character there….

Chapter Three actually moves the plot along! We’re still at the mansion, and one of the kids is upset. Why? Because the bullies from the first chapter broke into the house and destroyed a bear belonging to one kid and knocked out the tooth of another. This…they’re second graders!! Even if we stretch it to they’re in elementary school in general and thereby can be older, this is still a level beyond what elementary school kids do, unless they’re seriously disturbed. Like they don’t go outside without a caretaker disturbed.

Also, why’s the human teacher staying at the mansion now? I mean, he wasn’t there at dinner in the previous chapter.

Chapter Four begins a few hours later with Natalie being unable to sleep. When she finally falls asleep, Princess Luna is there with a message! Because of the bullies, school’s been cancelled for a week so those two bullies can go through character classes by themselves, which leaves the whole group available to babysit for the Mane Six as they go gem hunting for the dragons!

How convenient.

And to top it off, the Mane Six are showing up at noon. Natalie is told at 5 am. For a week long babysitting request.

Unless this were an emergency situation (which Luna doesn’t present this as), there’s no way in hell a parent is leaving their infant for a week on such short notice. Particularly not multiple, and not with folks they haven’t seen in months. Hell, I wouldn’t ask my own mother to watch my boy on such short notice. This is a major imposition, particularly when you have kids of your own to take care of too.

But the Six show up and drop off their kids. With, apparently, no supplies to help take care of their children. But hey! They leave a list with the kids’ names and their favorite thing! No, seriously:

Apple Leaf--really into pie
Emblazoned Ruby-- adores high-quality milk
Golden Streamers-- has a sweet fang, PLEASE REGULATE
Dusk Rose and Moon Flight-- milk from the sky and nothing else
Umbralina--she's a changeling, you know what goes here, though milk will also go here
Claw Shine-- gemstones ground into a powder mixed with milk. Gems must be precious (i.e. diamond). For every pint of milk a teaspoon of gems is to be added

As an aside, Rinnaul has declared that if he ever wanted to write a water sports fetish clopfic, Golden Streamers would be his go-to name.

And I’m not even going to touch the implied Twilight/Spike ship.

My biggest peeve is how unprepared the Mane Six left their babysitters. That list should be double that length for just one kid. Seriously. Infants generally develop pretty particular schedules that parents cue into and adjust to pretty quickly to keep the peace. This includes when and how much they eat, naptimes, bed times, sleep habits, and routines. You wouldn’t leave a babysitter without that information because even one day/night off schedule will destroy the schedule for weeks. Trust me on that one.

Chapter Five is the shortest chapter of all (not counting side stories that are included), clocking in at 438 words. 438 words that solely focus on stereotypical baby shenanigans of “OMG DIRTY DIAPER!” and “OMG THEY GOT OUT OF THE PLAYPEN!” And that’s not saying that these don’t happen. But the fact that we kick off the babysitting with these stereotypes and do nothing else with this chapter just speaks to how unnecessary the chapter is.

And at this point, I just can’t even anymore. There are 40 listed chapters, and I just can’t.

This story has so many issues that it’s hard to name a main problem. But I think I’m going to have to go with scope as the major issue. We have a cast of 12 that we’re supposed to care about that get near equal screen time within every chapter. Seriously. Every character involved gets a line or an action within each chapter. This means that we’re constantly struggling to keep track of who’s who, who’s connected to whom, what the current action even is, and, ultimately, prevents us from forming any sort of connection with the characters.

On top of that, I still can’t tell you what the main plot is supposed to be. (Is it just the kids’ getting bullied? Taking care of the foals? Something else?) And that’s after five chapters. We should be well into the basic development of where the story is going by this point, not still developing the basic crisis.

Characters are given no time to develop as the story tries to keep us aware of all the characters at once. I can only find one point where two characters speak to each other for more than a single line each. And they’re supposed to be married.

The pacing is everywhere with chapters fluctuating from 2.3k to 400 words. The story also lingers on scenes that really have no bearing besides being sight-gag worthy (which doesn’t work effectively in reading) while breezing past scenes that should be more important. The bullying scene? 359 words. The “we’re so unprepared to take care of magical foals” chapter? 438 words. And it includes the line:

Umbralina began running around Fenrir so fast he became dizzy. His eyeballs literally span in their sockets.

As a note, you meant “spun”, not “span” there.

There’s also the same grammar error in the dialogue tags as in the previous story I reviewed, so I’m not going to address it again.

Biggest tip? Don’t treat your stories as further roleplay sessions.

Point in case, in the first chapter, the adults show up to discuss the bullying incident with the teacher. And we get this bit of dialogue:

"Matt and Coryza, you two are quiet today. Why is that?" Katie asked, turning her attention from her twins to the blond man and pink-haired woman.
"We..." Matt stuttered, "We...um... we're trying to think of something here."
Coryza merely held up a sign with the words 'no comment' carved into its woodwork.

In a roleplay, this is fine because it ensures that all the players are involved. However, your readers are not players. We have no need to know what every single character is doing or thinking at every single minute. We only need to know what’s important.

So in the parents’ response scene, have one or two parents, the one’s most upset by this, discussing the issue with the teacher while everybody else nods. Or, heck, just have the couple of parents there while everybody else is at home. It’s okay for non-relevant characters to visit the white space once in a while. It doesn’t kill them, I promise!

My most major suggestion would be that you back away from epic casts for a while. Write a story that focuses solely on one character and write the story from that sole POV. Experience the story and its details from only that perspective, allowing yourself and the audience to only see what that character sees and experiences. This will give you greater command over what’s important to characters, what’s important to readers and the story, and give you a finer appreciation for details that need to be included. Then you can start to expand your cast.

In sum, this story has too many characters to properly care about and doesn’t give any time or incentive to care about them, ridiculous pacing issues, very little plot from what I can tell, and feels like a roleplay write-up. My verdict?

Needs Work

And this review is now longer than the longest chapter in this fic.

3618524

As an aside, Rinnaul has declared that if he ever wanted to write a water sports fetish clopfic, Golden Streamers would be his go-to name.

And I’m not even going to touch the implied Twilight/Spike ship.

I'm more disturbed by the fact that one of the kids is a changeling...

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In a setting where Changelings apparently live openly with everyone else, that doesn't really bug me.

But Twilight and Spike are basically brother and sister, so that's a bit icky to me.

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Bug? I guess it made me wtf because my theory about changeling reproduction involves chestbursters...

3619523
You mean like this?

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More or less

3619523
Asilin isn't a brony and mostly knows changelings as the bugpony equivalent of the white court vampires from The Dresden Files.

Personally, I have changelings created by a transformation process. Basically, normal ponies are mutated into that form.

I really need to write my changeling story and spread that headcanon.

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I once went with making them very similar to real-life ants with Chrysalis being a virgin queen (a real queen is large and capable only of eating and laying eggs), all drones being technically female, and division between drones and warriors. Though they can also attack ponies like xenomorphs – to extend their gene pool.

3618524 I shouldn't be laughing at how you suffered through this, but your commentary amused me so.
The picture and caption did me in.