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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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But what happens next on Fran Ball Z? Find out next time!
Good to know you've finally got the chapter out!
Awesome! I love the little technical details you put in.
I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around Tungsten. It seems like he should be (and is) miserable over how Francium loves his sister more than she ever loved him, and when they got together it basically meant every pony he was close to was responsible for his misery and he was completely alone for... years I think?
It seems like even Francium saying "no, I do care about you, I don't want you to die" wouldn't really be too comforting, because she doesn't do much to prove it, and apparently did not when it came to try to help their relationship... Although I am having trouble remembering whether she tried to figure out their relationship with him, or just walked away when he sufficiently "wasn't who she fell in love with." Which is an additional "I blame you for me falling out of love with you" knife.
But he's very happy when she's safe... I am having trouble figuring it out. Is he okay with all of this because of the token care she expressed for him? Is he the kind of milquetoast that is like "I don't care if I'm miserable as long as the people around me aren't, and this hurts my sister and someone else I still care for even though she only cares a bit about me", that is kinda noble, in a painful way? Does he still care about her a lot, despite the misery he's been put through?
And Fran still flashes back to her having to tell him about their relationship, which makes me think the conflict might not be over... but it looks increasingly like Tungsten is the one without the focus chapter. Of course, why would he confide in his sister or Francium when they're the ones he's pained over, so they would be the primary ones who wouldn't hear it...
I guess I want to hear from him more, or if I'm missing something I'd like to figure that out.
4952878 Tungsten and Fran's past is something I haven't developed mainly because it doesn't directly effect the main plot.
The chances of me ever explaining it are also pretty slim as I find it very difficult to quantify how each character feels beyond the scene I am writing and how they feel in general.
I did have a back story for all the characters but most of that broke when I had to change the story [Yes, up to chapter 5 you were actually reading an entirely different plot line and story... I had to change it and shorten it else the story would never be finished]
That said its not like he is alone, Helix still loves him, still cares for him and Fran does too. But he is still not happy with Fran pulling Helix away from him and is upset that Helix would fall for some pony who left him. [I'm not sure that makes sense, my brain isn't good at relationships and feelings.]
Thank you though, you have a better grasp on it than I do, its given me something to think about, and another person has read to the end! Thanks you!
4952965
It seems to be better now, but in the Stable it looked like once Fran and Helix got together, then him being around either of them would just mean pain, and as far as we know there isn't anyone else he considered close enough to be family. That's what I meant when he would feel alone.
Hm... the plot changed? Well you should do something to resolve this, whether it's in the background or not, because bringing it up more indicates that there's at least something going on there. Was it originally part of the story, before the change?
I'm not sure if Tungsten is slated for a focus chapter like a lot of the other characters, but if you're just going to address his frustration, that would be a pretty solid time...
And, sometimes, with emotional problems like this, concluding the problem might not be so much making the past make sense, or making up for past pain, but just finding a way to be done with it now. Finding something new, getting the distance to forget the pain... Maybe even getting the anger out too? It's what moving on is, basically. There was no conclusion except that you stopped feeling bad about it.
He's clearly at least a somewhat important character, so I'd like to see him have some sort of development, even if it's not on the lines of making peace with his sister and her girlfriend.
5369977 Glad you finally found time to read it!
5478160 Ahh, yeah, good spot. It got rewritten several times so I will have just got a name in the wrong place. I am rereading and editing them atm so I will make sure it gets sorted.
I must say, Francium has one nice ass in the cover
Okay, so that took me a lot longer than I'd expected. I appologize for that, but your fic has kept me entertained during coffee and lunch breaks for a good month or so now, and I'd like to express my gratitude in the form of a comment.
I love this fic, to put it simply. Granted, it's rough around the edges (though if I read one of those more recent comments correctly, it sounds like some of the things I saw when I was reading might already be fixed), but there's a great heart to this story, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it in the future.
The focus you put on things is different than any other I've seen - it's all about the group. Everything from the perspective shifts to the number of bullets and how many guns they acquire. Things are left vague enough that even when a pony who hadn't gotten much detail put into her gets killed by a radigator, you still feel it - because the group feels it. The... the scale of things is a great help to all that. There are significant numbers of ponies being dealt with at any given time, and you do give that a proper weight. The only time something felt particularly "fast" was when they returned to the hangar to find everyone missing or dead, but that was SUPPOSED to feel fast, even to the characters.
The tradecraft is also something I particularly like here. Having the "main" pair being, respectively, a welder and a geneticist (at a stretch, medical pony) is a nice dynamic. It is, largely, what sells this fic for me. Each and every pony kicked out of that Stable is a Subject Matter Expert in one field or another. The rockiness at the start, and their gradual integration into the way the world works - it all makes sense. It also shows the audience (rather than telling the audience) exactly why so many Stableponies could be a great asset, if used properly - further, it's a good reason they're able to effect so much change in the world. They have the skills, the drive, and the sense of communal work furthering the group as a whole - exactly as a Stable would - going for them. It isn't rationalized as "leveling up"; that dynamic is there, and that's cool, but the real meshing that's happening is the characters finding their own respective niches. They're even aware that it's happening - Foxglove, specifically, seems to have not found her own "niche" yet, and is seeing the friction there. You found a way for Fran and the EVA suit to be a significant part of the story, and explained some of the more... unexpected combat applications of the suit and her skillset through reasonably believable science, with just a little magic.
I've gotta say the character I find myself drawn to considering a favourite is Seafire. My situation has changed since, but... I understand where she's at. I was in that position relationship-wise, and it isn't fun. Also, her choice of armament makes me smile - a mare who likes her shotguns, but is cautious enough to know when not to use them. Very nice. I'd love to see a chapter from her perspective at some point. It hasn't been touched on since, but between the twin mentions of her having a very "alicorn-like" appearance and the mention of there being a descendent of a royal bloodline in the Stable... I have to wonder where you're going with that. In a good way, I'm curious where her personal arc is headed. I wish I could comment more, because I really do like the character... just that not much has actually *happened* with her specifically. I can see her time to shine coming at some point, I really can... it just hasn't, yet.
Helix
Now, this one I'm more sure about, speculah-wise, but Helix was pregnant even before they left the Stable, right? Unless I missed something, I would assume their genetic program is done through scientific fertilization (forgive me, I forget the term) rather than standard biological... I mean, she was with Fran, I would imagine her going off and fucking whoever the father is would be very much not okay on that front... but she probably wanted to wait and see if she was actually carrying before talking to Fran, yeah? Then they got separated... I get that, it makes sense. A good time to spring that on the reader, too, even though I'd had suspicions since Fran saw the chart on the wall.
Now, the critical bit (pretty tame here, all things considered)
One thing I noticed was that during perspective shift chapters, it's often hard to figure out which pony the reader is currently following the perspective of. I'm not sure if that's intended or not. But part of the problem there is that the... narrative voices of the characters doesn't really seem to change. Granted, I believe we've only seen Fran, Helix, and Foxglove as perspective characters - Fran and Helix are probably on the same wavelength, word choice-wise, so I imagine that was always going to be tricky to pull off... but when even Foxglove sounds a lot like Fran, I think looking into how the characters would express themselves - in their own words - might help you there. Doesn't have to be huge, but simple things like word choice, different descriptive terms... over a long enough time with each character, you can see the little differences, and I think that could be a fun dynamic, especially if we see more perspectives as this goes on (yeah, still got my fingers crossed for a Seafire chapter). Bear in mind, this is just a friendly suggestion on my part - what you're doing WORKS. If it didn't, I'd have stopped reading a long time ago.
But yeah, it's perfectly safe to say that I love this story. It does things I haven't seen other stories do, and it does them with a particular style that I find myself liking. If you ever feel that the amount of effort that goes into developing the science side of things is wasted, take heart - I love to see that level of detail put into things! I feel that an author should always have at least a passing knowledge of the technical goings on in their story, and it gets shown very well here. That's all for now, I certainly hope to be able to chat more in the future!
5945570 Yep, I'd agree with 90% of that, and what is annoying is I know what is wrong but I can't seem to correct it. Battles are never as intense or as engaging as I want, character interaction never seems to be exactly what I wanted and yes, looking back at Mantis's exposition makes me groan but that was 2 and a half years ago and I had only been writing for 5 months by that point.
If I can say anything to make you stick at it, it does get better as you go on. I got myself 2 pre-readers around Chapter 5 which really helped and I learnt what worked well and what rookie mistakes to avoid from feed back like yours.
I will say though, I am not going back. If I do I will never finish and actually completing the story is more important to me than telling it like Tolkien; though you should read 'The Council of Elrond', that is a mind-breakingly difficult read!
Your points are valid and I will be thinking on them, just don't expect a master piece cos it ain't going to happen; my brain just isn't built for it.
alright, you've peaked my interest. Time to add this to my "Shitload of stories I need to read" Bookshelf.
6129233 You are supposed to start from the beginning But I am glad I have another reader! I hope you enjoy it!