something was meant to happen with these simple ponies

I disagree

3968905 'own will"'

No full stop after will and it's the end of a sentance.

I just think it's a bit confusing with the earpiece bit.
Then say something like...

'He looked away from the tribal and lowered his voice but not enough so that the tribal couldn't hear.'
Then the rest of the conversation.

It just sounds a bit muddled up to me that's all. If you don't like it then you don't have to change it.

And why don't you have a picture for the story?

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)