Estee Ticks Off The Entire Site: Story Reviews, Round #4 (in a series of #Unlikely) & possible story submissions for future rounds · 12:15am Jun 29th, 2020
I need to start this one with an apology, and it's not 'For what I now say and opinionate, forgive me.' We all know that's not going to happen. I'm apologizing because this set was supposed to be up a week ago. There was a bribe to get a story into the next group, I told the author I would get it done that weekend, and then I wound up with a funeral. Even so, it should have been up earlier than this. So I apologize, and I'm going to lead off the set with that story.
Additionally, this is my final planned review group. If there's going to be more, it'll be because:
1. Y'all demanded it.
2. And therefore, whatever happens is your fault.
So if you want to see more of these, you need to tell me. Additionally, more authors would have to submit their own stories to be reviewed, and this operates under the following conditions:
* A story can only be submitted by its own writer.
** Exception: the writer contacts me under separate cover and gives permission for the submission.
* It can have no more than 10,000 words.
* All genres and ratings levels may be offered, which includes Mature subject matter. However, I reserve the right to outright reject anything which I don't want to deal with. And yes, this does mean I will not review your fetish-intended rapefic. Why? Because I don't want to read your rapefic. Or anyone else's rapefic. Also, in general, if the critic doesn't have your fetish, they are going to be reviewing based on the actual writing. Hope you remembered to include an actual plot.
* For the most part, I choose from offered stories by random draw, which means a submitted story may not be reviewed. If you want to guarantee that your story gets reviewed, I take bribes. Dropping a tip into my Ko-Fi jar means your story will be included. (It just doesn't mean I'm going to say something you'll like.)
Any such bribes are currently being put towards my mother's next urinary procedure, because Vibro-Bladder is go. Right. That. I haven't scheduled it yet because I'm waiting until after the plastic surgery consult on her eyelids (7/1): that may require overnight hospitalization, and so I can't set up six visits in three weeks without knowing where the potential interruption is. But it's going to happen.
If you leave a tip in order to bribe up a review, please provide your site name and the story's link in a PM. I need to know if a given tip is associated with a review, who left it, and which story is involved.
* Just to beat the clock: if you bribe me on a story which I very much do not want to read, you will be told to choose another story from your own catalog. If there is no other story offered, then you get a refund. You can't play Churchill here: there probably is a bribe amount which could get me to go through something which I find inherently repulsive, and you just-as-probably don't have it. But with that said, if you're willing and able to kick several million dollars in my direction? Try it. See where it gets you. In my case, it probably gets me to Sardinia.
So if you want these occasional reviews groupings to continue... it's your call. The phone lines are now open and just like a dedicated radio phoneline screener, I stand ready to hang up on everyone. Place your opinions and possible story submissions in the comments below.
And with all that said, let's get to the last belated bribe result.
A Big Brother's Duty by PingZing
Shining Armor's younger sister is many things: studious, awkward, devastatingly brilliant, neurotic, and occasionally, the rebellion's unwitting premier magical researcher in the fight against Nightmare Moon.
What she is not, is an alicorn from the future.
No, this Twilight Sparkle is not Shining Armor's younger sister.
That doesn't mean he's not going to tease her mercilessly, After all, she is still Twilight Sparkle.
A side story to For Want of a Horseshoe. The events herein happen concurrently with Chapter 7.
So just to rewind here: in previous sets, we have had stories set in verses which I wasn't fully familiar with, and sequels to pieces which I hadn't read. And now we have an interquel: it's taking place alongside the events of a completely separate story.
...it's probably too late to go back and add '* I reserve the right to kill you all.'
I'm not exactly in a good position to speak against interquels, especially not when I have one. There are times when events are happening in another part of the forest and a single story doesn't provide you with enough room for a cutaway. But whereas a sequel requires that you be familiar with what happened before, an interquel demands that you be up to date on what's taking place now. Which means that at the very least, I have to peek over at the long description of the other story and hope I can get some concept of what's going on.
...okay. So the overarc idea is that the little alternate timelines which MarySue McGlimmerbutt's ego placed as branch paths didn't go away when her flimsy justification for creating them did, and Twilight's been going back in an effort to set right what once went all McGlimmerbutt. Cue the flashes of electric blue.
This seems to potentially place things in the category of the self-contained interlude, because that's one of the built-in advantages to what I'm going to call the QL Format or, given decent ratings, The Forever Idea. All the writer needs is one base concept, something which can cover any number of events. And if you get that? The episodes can go on forever. New readers can pretty much jump in at any time. All you need is a saga cell: a paragraph or two for summing up the basic concept, and everyone's ready to go.
Time travel, moving to random points in order to fix somebody's life? Got it. Go.
Starship exploring the galaxy: new species and conflict every week? Thank you. Roll opening theme.
Emergency room which has cases passing in and out? I'll start drawing up the syndication contracts, because there are still too many little channels and they all need content. Ideally, something which was already created. And popular twenty years ago, because an aging audience wants to see it again.
Ultra-Flanderized version of animated series from said twenty years ago with no continuity and with all characters played in a manner designed to invoke murder? Understood. Also, the murder shall be yours. Hold still.
If you get a Forever Idea, you can keep churning along until the audience gets tired, the ratings slip, and the advertising goes to 95% My Pillow because that's the sign of a healthy show. You may even be able to carve out a niche: that base level which you never drop under. For a good example of a Forever Idea in novels, turn to any series which has A. numbering and B. a three-digit count. Some of them pass through multiple decades, authors, levels of quality, and a few of them lose the original idea entirely and just hope the readers are buying based on the cover. There's probably no CURE.
Because the peril of the Forever Idea is that after a while, it becomes very easy to start passing through the same permutations. You may have heard the line about how every science fiction series which lasts long enough will have a Wild West episode, and it's usually a bad one. Hey, has the city of your favorite hospital show been hit by a natural disaster which overwhelms the bed count? No? Just wait.
Fixing alternate timelines is a Forever Idea. But you get the dystopia, the dystopia, the dystopia, and oh, look: the one where Electronic Arts took over the world, also known as the super-dystopia. Beware the concept which seems as if it can last forever, because just about every story ends. And you don't want it to happen because the readers walked away.
...well, that was a pointless digression of a ramble. Let's get to the actual story, shall we?
So this is a 'Nightmare Moon won' timeline. The Twilight native to it is on the side of the rebellion, and her brother is also fighting the good fight because as we all know, Shining Armor is a @$#%^&@ moron and the main reason he's willing to go up against overwhelming forces is because he doesn't recognize what those are. Of course, your Shining may vary in competence by timeline. But here we have one who sees a version of his sibling pop in from what she claims is a different reality, and he uses the opportunity to --
"Are the bats in the belfry?" he asked, glee coloring each word.
"I might be your younger sister, but right now I am older than you, buster!" she hissed.
"I said are the bats in the belfry?"
Twilight growled. "No," she ground out between clenched teeth, "they are roosting in a cave because a belfry would be far too noisy for a creature with such sensitive hearing."
There was the sound of a barely-swallowed snicker. "Gosh," he replied in a clearly-rehearsed cadence, "that sure is batty!"
Twilight groaned and finally turned to look. The version of her brother that called this particular timeline home was practically prancing in place, and wearing the biggest, dumbest smile that she'd ever seen on any iteration of his face.
-- y'know, in a way, this is actually sort of comforting. Think about it. A potentially-infinite number of realities. Possibilities enough to break the brain. No hope for stability. You need something you can anchor yourself with. A multiversal constant. So no matter where you roam or the reasons why fish now rule the universe by farting nuclear explosions, Shining Armor will always be a moron. He may be a moronic fish whose leftover chili breakfast just destroyed what was left of civilization, but that's Shining for you.
...okay, it's not that bad. Twilight simply has a question-and-response routine set up in case of needing to prove time/reality travel: Shining was just performing his end. You may be asking yourself how every version of Twilight wound up with the same routine and if you're doing that, you're probably better off going back to the previous paragraph. Oh, and don't become a Star Trek writer, because they rely on that sort of thing all the time.
The key is that at the end of said routine, Shining knows he has some permutation of his sibling present. You would think that might raise a few questions. Where are you from? Why are you here? Do you happen to remember what sunrise looked like? And since I'm a military leader, would you mind passing over some tactical information regarding how your side didn't get creamed?
Nope. All of that already happened: in fact, they're outside the room where the transfer of power back to Celestia is already taking place. (This is information we don't get for a fair distance into the story, which creates some early questioning of priorities.) What Shining has is a version of his sister, which means he believes himself to have all of the blackmail information while having made exactly none of the promises regarding not revealing it. Because he knows his sister.
Or maybe he doesn't.
The core of this story is watching alternate Shining getting his legs kicked out from under him. Mainline Twilight is just a little too casual (and breaks her own rules about revealing information somewhat too quickly) about explaining how his entire existence has resulted from a Mary Sue temper tantrum. She also tells him what happened in her history, why she wound up with wings, gives away a potential major spoiler for his upcoming life... and does so with all the regard of a time traveler blundering into the past while actively looking for a butterfly they can step on.
Think about it. The story's Forever Idea means these timelines go on, even after the mainline was set right. So Shining has just been told he wasn't supposed to exist. Also that he probably has an alicorn foal on the way. Oh, and if the Elements ever pop up, they may be capable of mind control, but let's get back to the whole 'you're not supposed to exist' thing. That is grief, and Twilight is the one who's giving it with very little regard as to what the aftereffects might be. She just kicked the giant meteor into the ocean: the tidal wave is your problem.
So on the surface, this is sibling interaction with a twist. Either can say anything they like to the other, because it doesn't affect the one who's most real to them. You know that one argument you always wanted to have with that family member? Imagine being able to say it and walk away -- right back to said family member, because you were actually talking to someone else and they're never going to know. Good for you. What did it do to the person you already spoke with?
I think that's why the story feels a little jarring to me. Twilight is going on an interreality quest to save these timelines because they're real, and the people in them need to be helped. But she's treating the timeline as real while not giving the same regard to the ponies within them. This may not be her Shining, but he's still a stallion who is going to be there after she leaves, and has to spend the rest of his life dealing with everything she told him. Twilight drops multiple drama and information carpet bombs and then, having destroyed the mental stability of the village in order to save it, goes on her merry way.
There are ways to look at this as a pleasant interlude, or interquel in the base Forever Idea. The main story has literally been moved off to the side, and what we have is two ponies talking. It's just that to me, it feels like Twilight is going full Amber on this: it's only as real as she thinks it is. If we shadows have offended? Then we were but shadows. And when the real pony shakes up a shadow by informing it of its nature, who cares? What did you even bother?
It's an interesting discussion, and the basic composition is pretty solid. But one side of it is being hosted by what I keep seeing as a very careless Twilight.
There's definitely a moron in that family.
Wonder which one it is.
Just a reminder: that was the bribe story. The author dropped a tip in order to be told that I felt like their Twilight was being carelessly cruel.
Gee, that's really gonna encourage the rest of you.
All right. So for previous entries, there's been six stories per group -- but I'm very tired today because it's post-writing insomnia time and these review sets take hours: reading and writing combined. This means I'm going to limit the current group to four, then go find a wall to beat my head against because I used the opening part of this blog to prospectively offer doing it again. What can I say? Behold the power of Vibro-Bladder. And critical venting. Possibly both. So who's getting hit next?
Well, I already reviewed one reviewer...
A Most Irregular Tea Party by PresentPerfect
Celestia invites Twilight over for tea and chess. Things don't quite go as planned.
"So what's wrong?"
"Turns out chess doesn't exist. I just wish I could say the same for tea."
"You don't like tea?"
"Long story."
When he submitted the story, PP claimed to have written this one because he was mad at something. If it's chess, I can understand that. I have won but a single game of chess in my life, and part of that is because that's not exactly where my talents lie. I might be able to plot out a story fifty chapters in advance, but that's a case of where I'm playing every side of the board. With chess, I have a tendency to make three moves and then spot how my opponent is probably going to checkmate me in twelve more. It seems to defeat the purpose.
(Want to handicap a chess match with a side dose of MtG, bringing it to the point where the amateur can give the professional a moment of worry? Have fun, kids!)
However, I can't quite spot the rage subject from the description alone. And the tags are --
-- oh, no...
This is the quartet of genres which define this story: Sex, Romance, Comedy, and Random. So we're looking at a ship. And when you get those four tags working together, reality may not be out to lunch, but there's a chance that Logic has stepped away for the evening. A lot of authors treat the Random tag in the same way too many cosplayers seem to treat a Deadpool costume: as an open license to be a jerk. Hey, you told them it was going to be Random, right? That means you have the freedom to do anything you want, and no one else gets to complain about it because there's the Random tag!
You've met that guy, right? If you've been to enough conventions (more than me), he's hard to avoid. He's the one who dresses up as the Character Who Does Whatever He Wants Because A Fictional World Contains No Consequences. And then he gets in your face, says a few things, the really stupid ones go for the grope, and wow: turns out the real world contains a knee impacting their crotch. Who knew? And if you haven't met him in real life, you've seen him online because that's the way he makes sure you can't reach him.
We could have a long discussion on which tag is the most abused. (It's the Sex tag. Discussion over.) But Random, when operated by the wrong hands, is the all-purpose excuse: nothing which happens in this story can be criticized because I said it was Random. On the worst days, the Random tag openly punches you in the face and then submits a jury defense of Just Kidding! The pain? That's your fault.
So when I see the Random tag as a reader, there's an automatic moment of cringe. Even with authors I trust, it can bring about a second of 'Oh, here we go...' before I risk diving it. It's Mark Meadows hesitating before swallowing the contents of a vial: once you've summoned the Monster, you're just waiting for it to happen again.
And PP said this story was created because he was mad at something.
*deep breath*
Here we go.
So the tea party starts off in Skywriter-Celestia's perfect world.
Twilight tore at her mane. "They stole all your tea?"
(I could usually go into pony anatomy issues here, but if your mane is long enough to go in front of your teeth, you can tear at it. Also, unicorn magic. Given Twilight, there's probably a tendency to count the hairs torn away, then do equal damage to the other side for balance.)
Here's the setup: due to a Series Of Improbable Events Because See Random Tag, every form of liquid refreshment but one is not available in the palace. Celestia and Twilight can't even have water for their little tea party meeting (something which is extremely precious to Twilight, as it's a chance to talk instead of write), because the plumbing is also out. And rather than, y'know, send somepony into the capital with a shopping list and a takeout order because See Random Tag, they're going to drink the last thing available.
Beer.
Let's hope they get the plumbing fixed in a hurry, or somepony is going to die. This isn't just from the prospect of having two drunken alicorns in the area, by the way: beer actually dehydrates you. Anyone in a situation where water isn't available and alcohol is gets to die of both thirst and perceived paradox. But this is just for a single tea party, which means we have two alicorns drinking beer and based on Twilight's pre-Bearer life, my best guess at her alcohol tolerance would be 'No.' Celestia's body mass would normally offer a significant amount of resistance, but hey, Random tag. Seriously: doesn't the palace garden have a clearwater stream...?
We get a nice character piece pause before the chaos begins: Twilight thinking about the sheer number of tea sets Celestia owns, along with the emotional significance for each. It's possible to gauge Celestia's mood from the color of the porcelain, and it shows just how much Twilight really pays attention to her mentor. As pauses go, this one has some weight.
But then it's time for chess. With drinking. Except that someone has stolen the chess pieces.
Right. There isn't a drink other than beer in all the palace, and now the chess pieces are missing. Also, they've been replaced with a pair of switchblades. Because hello, Random tag!
Now in a rational world, this would be the point when mentor and student look at each other, chorus on "Discord," and go on Full Mxyzptlk Alert while awaiting the next bit. Those wishing something to do in the meantime might consider shredding napkins into distinctive shapes, then playing chess with paper replacements.
Our heroines? Start drinking.
The Random tag is not an excuse to invalidate suspension of disbelief.
The palace is out of tea? Okay: a rational Celestia may be able to figure out why that's so. But the more drinks which become unavailable, the more suspicious she'll be. And when chess pieces are replaced by weaponry, the average Twilight is going to recognize that this is a situation where she should not be consuming alcohol.
We've just seen Twilight acting very much like herself in that character bit: linking tea sets to emotional states. That's what we hope for from her. This one? Has now chosen to get her drunk on. To the point where, because the chess pieces are not available, she decides the game they're going to play is 'Let's fight each other with switchblades!' Because, y'know, they were available, and also Random tag.
So. Quick question.
Are you buying this?
Examine your inner Twilight. You've built up a pretty solid representation over nine seasons and gawds know how many fanfics. In your opinion, exactly what has to occur before she indulges in so much alcohol that a playfight against Celestia using very real knives starts to feel like a good idea? I've got a list for that answer, and it starts with 'Mind Control', runs on through 'Discord' and you'd better believe there's a place reserved for 'Random tag.'
Did I mention that Celestia agrees to this? Because Celestia agrees to this. Celestia gets into a knife fight with Twilight. There's blood. They each cut the other. Which leads to -- wait for it -- oh, never mind: you saw the Romance and Sex tags on the way in. So now we have a confession. No stitching or treating the wounds, mind you: no, we're heading for the Sex. You know what's Romantic? Having Twilight use magic to make herself look more like Luna. Because that is what Celestia wants in the bedroom.
And, based on the last line, which comes when Discord and Luna are talking about having set the whole thing up -- what was PP so mad about as to write this story?
The directed guess is 'two ponies being forced to love each other.'
We've been trolled.
The Random tag gets right in your face. It does whatever it wants, to whoever it wants, and its defense is that it's the Random tag. In this case, PP wrote a Celestia & Twilight story which, in my opinion, was designed to deliberately go about things in the most irritating way possible. Start on the rails. Then jump them. We are now running a train on vacuum. Live with it.
I can understand that kind of anger, because there are times when ships fail to justify themselves and it just feels like the writer is going to tell us that we need to accept those characters being together: the author does, so what's your problem? But when the Random tag trolls you, we go back to the jerk in the Deadpool cosplay. You know what they all have in common? They think they're funny. If you don't laugh, that just shows you're either inferior or earned your ridicule. If you could just see things the way they do, you'd realize that you deserve to be mocked!
If you had the same justification...
This story is mocking bad shipping. I can't exactly go after it for that: I've picked out the poorly-executed side of a genre before. But there's pair of questions built into that level of parody.
Are you mocking the genre?
Or are you mocking the readership?
I think part of my ultimate problem with this story is that moment of character insight with the tea sets. It makes things feel normal and in doing so, it's meant to misdirect. Disorient. You can't go off the rails unless you have one moment where you believe you're on them. And when looked back on, it makes everything feel like I was not only being trolled, but was being set up for mocking. There were points in this story where I actively thought Why am I still reading this? and there was an answer for that: I can't review something unless I finish. But it also seemed as if the story was laughing at its audience. Asking them "Why are you still reading this? How much more do you want to take? Don't you know what this is?"
You can always walk away from the jerk in the cosplay. Close the tab. But with this story... it's arranging cars in full view, revving the engines, and then inviting you to rubberneck the crash. You are participating in the carnage through being willing to witness it and therefore, having the whole thing take place was your fault. That's the troll's argument.
I feel like I was just trolled. Insulted for having shown up. And so the only thing I can do for this story is... close the tab.
It's someone's sense of humor. But right now, it's not mine.
...really did not expect that to go there.
*much slower breath*
Okay, Random Draw. Bring me something where I don't alienate anyone else for one whole segment.
Ships Passing by Steel Resolve.
Fluttershy has a little crush. It's not a problem at all, she's had them before. She's pretty good at dealing with them.
This one is just a little more uncomfortable than the others.
So.
Immediately after the beer story.
This one has the Sex, Romance, and Comedy tags.
And the chapter title is On The Importance Of Hydration.
@$%^ you, Random Draw.
Before we get into details: this is a Mature story, which has the Sex tag. This implies the presence of explicit scenes. So how do I review a description of two characters having sex?
Mostly for grammar and plausibility. As I want this blog to remain accessible, I may discuss an explicit scene, but I won't be quoting any portions which actively describe sexual acts.
But let's face it: I'm just here for the plot.
...other plot.
Jerks.
So it turns out Fluttershy is a serial crusher.
...no, she doesn't go around obsessively flattening beer cans due to some traumatic incident in her childhood. Fluttershy has simply been crushing on each of the Bearers, in turn: focus on one, dream for a while, typically don't actually do anything about it other than spending extra time with that mare and possibly eating too many apple dishes, on to the next.
Well, there was that one time...
And then there was Pinkie Pie, who Fluttershy had considered adorable from the moment they’d met, despite finding her just a little emotionally exhausting, but somehow in a way that she sought out more of. It was, again, not something she ever spoke to Pinkie about, but during one of Pinkie’s parties Rainbow had apparently spiked the punch... And they’d both woken up in bed together without much idea as to what had happened. So maybe Pinkie was a bad example of a crush not affecting her. It had gotten easier to think about afterwards, at least. Pinkie was enigmatic about the whole thing, only saying she was glad to think about herself having fun, and only wished she could remember it.
(Oh, and there were also the times she slept with Rainbow. There were a lot of them.)
The commas are being asked to do a lot of work here. This is the sort of thing which I have to keep a watchful eye out for -- on myself: playing with sentence structure can mean asking punctuation to serve as glue, spackle, and 'please don't look'. You'll see some writers talking about keeping sentence and paragraph length inconsistent: make sure you've got some variety, because having everything use the same pattern can become visually droning. It means there are times when you just have to start a new section. And, if you're filming a Marvel movie, a day when you might consider showing an action scene cut of more than two seconds.
When we come into the story, Fluttershy is at the spa, and her desires have cycled around to Rarity. Who's using their weekly meeting to talk about some of her own recent dates. In detail. The kind of detail which usually starts with "Dear Penthorse, I would never believe this would happen to me -- again!" Because Rarity talks about her dates right down to what happens after the third one -- always wait for the third, as befits a lady -- and how certain kinds of bodily fluids can just do horrible things to one's coat if not cleaned promptly, which is certainly a very Rarity sort of detail to include. Of course, one might argue that a lady also doesn't kiss and tell, but you really have to consider that we are A. dealing with a natural gossip and B. nopony ever said where the no-tell kiss was going to land.
So if you can accept that Rarity would talk about her sexual encounters (and how every partner comes up short: she always takes care of them first, nothing which might lead to pregnancy, and then they just don't have anything left in the tank, so it's on to the next...) this freely in front of Fluttershy, then you might understand why it's a little awkward for a mare with a crush to hear its subject discussing sex, sex, and more sex to the point where it's a good thing they're in a spa because here comes the tension. And this gets down to character interpretation, the greatest of sins. You have to stretch your definition of 'Rarity' and 'Fluttershy' to temporarily include what the author has submitted. If you can manage it, the story will proceed. If you can't, you may already be out.
(But good news, kids! Neither of them has a switchblade!)
Fluttershy has to listen to Rarity describe sex with stallions (always stallions) on a level which is, put mildly, distracting. And by the way, those stallions never live up to their end of the proceedings, so after they leave, Rarity has to take care of her own orgasm.
She describes that, too.
To Fluttershy.
In detail.
...
...give me a minute. I'm trying to get past myself.
This is where character interpretation actively becomes a weapon, and it's wielded by the reader against themselves. I have a mental Fluttershy, and she understands a thousand varieties of sexual intercourse because animals have mating rituals: it's ponies which give her trouble. There's an inner Rarity who would happily discuss every horrid detail of a bad date, but stops at the door to the bedroom with a mutter of '...and you might imagine it went rather downhill from there.' And I need to put them away for a while.
We all have moments when we tell ourselves that somepony is acting out of character. When the conflict between what we see on the inner stage and what we read becomes too great, it kicks us out of the story: see 'Twilight in a knife fight.' But unlike the case above, we're starting from the interpretations seen. This is how those two are in this story. Period. So you reach a point where you either tell yourself you can accept it for a while -- or you don't.
Because character interpretation is a weapon. But it's also a sin, and you committed it just by saying 'X wouldn't do that!' Really? You may be right. But it required you to interpret their character...
Oh, speaking of unique character presentations:
That Soarin’ has quite a nice flank, for instance.
Never seen him presented with a ' before.
You might be able to guess where this is going. Rarity likes to date earth ponies, hoping to benefit from strength which never seems to last long enough to take care of her. Fluttershy tries to shift her into pegasi because long flights require endurance, and isn't sustained effort more important than a one-shot lift?
But time passes...
Minor emergencies aside, Fluttershy had a lot of time to herself. She spent some time knitting, grooming her animals, and trying not to think at all about Rarity.
In all but that last thing, she was remarkably successful, she ended up thinking about Rarity a lot.
COLONS!
(Never semicolons. They're evil.)
...and we get another spa session. Before that, we get a lot of Fluttershy thinking about sex toys (she has many) and how pegasi can go for so long that they dehydrate, so having water in the bedroom is essential. Having the dispenser look like a bird feeder is your fault. And mine, because I just made you picture that. But it's a spa session and Fluttershy isn't sure she even wants to attend, because it's more of listening to Rarity talk about the things which Fluttershy wants from her and can't have. There's a lot of fantasy from 'Shy, including some thoughts about a threesome and I did mention sex toys. But she has to listen to Rarity through all of it. And then we get this line.
She was better at dealing with crushes when they were over.
I'm not reading this story to see how it serves for me as erotica: put bluntly, if it did, then no one needs to know about it. I want to see how it works as a story. And as a story... that sentence is the one which justifies its existence.
We aren't going to necessarily see our vision of Fluttershy reflected in the one which exists here. But when you can't get a mirror, you hope for a telescope. Something which can provide insight. That sentence? Is it. This probably isn't your Fluttershy -- but this is a mare who knows something. She just taught you a basic truth: emotional situations can be easier to examine and understand when you're finished with them. You probably weren't expecting a lesson at all, and yet there it is. You learned something.
Unlike Rarity, who's reached the point in her sexual encounter descriptions where Fluttershy exists as a breathing wall. 'Shy accidentally says something out loud, notices that Rarity didn't, and so begins to talk about what she'd like to do to Rarity in front of Rarity to absolutely no notice whatsoever.
...yeah. Always nice to know you're crushing on somepony who's ready to pay attention to your needs. She didn't even notice when Fluttershy brought up sex toys. And the twirly thing. Especially the twirly thing --
-- wrong. Rarity wants to drop by the cottage. And while she's there, she would appreciate it if Fluttershy would demonstrate the twirly thing. Time to set up for hydration!
And there the story ends. Not with the characters having sex with each other, but with the possibility of it. Potentially that's more of a promise.
There were things I didn't go over in this review. Fluttershy talks to Pinkie about the crush. Fluttershy thinks about sex a lot, and detailing all of it would put this segment at the same length as the story. If you were expecting descriptions of what they do with each other, then you might find yourself disappointed. And as for me, with no investment in any potential erotica aspect, trying to accept this version of the characters... all I can do is ask myself 'What was this about?'
Emotional connection, and the difficulty of trying to shift out of the friend zone? Taking a chance with somepony when you're not sure how they'll respond to your feelings, much less how they might feel about you in that regard at all? The fear of moving forward, and the relative comfort of staying where you are because if you never try, then you're never rejected?
Maybe there's some of that present. Or maybe, as the reader, I'm trying to bring something to the story. I'm doing my best to interpret it.
Sinners all.
I read this story in neutrality, trying to accept what I was seeing. Neutrality on a sexual story can mean potentially blocking out some of what's there, and that meant I needed to see something. And the construction isn't bad, although some of the commas need pruning. Fluttershy's tendency to drop into sexual fantasy at the twitch of a feather can serve as a comedy element. But despite what I said above, I'm not sure what the author meant to do with this one. I'm trying to find the themes, the central thread, and I think I have something, but... maybe that's just what the reader brings in.
Maybe it's a story about how Rarity doesn't understand what a refractory period is. (We're keeping this accessible. You can look that up on your own.) But -- crushes are easier to deal with when they're over.
I took that away from this story. And at least for that sentence, it was worth it.
Okay. Final pull from the deck. Let's see what comes out.
Blank Slate is the greatest thief of his generation. He has robbed countless nigh-impossible marks, and his talents as a master of disguise are beyond par - truly, nopony knows who he is.
And now he's preparing the greatest heist in mortal memory: the treasure vaults of the Princesses themselves.
But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past the pony who defines when ‘early in the morning’ is…
One of the problems with asking people to submit their own stories for review is that you wind up with a deck that's loaded with what the contributors will swear are aces. It's somewhat uncommon to see someone offer up the worst of themselves, and this format doesn't exactly send me into the New column with an eye towards 'Well, that looks as if it'll induce stigmata'. (I once thought about taking a blog to review everything which was in the New column at a predetermined moment, the same way RainbowBob used to grab everything in the Feature box. Personally, I think my idea would be a much better way of committing suicide.)
We're writers. We are desperate attention whores. No exceptions. And that means we want validation. 'Here's the best of me! Tell me this is a good story, just like two thousand other people told me before you!'
You may be thinking I'm exaggerating. I'm not. I really do call every writer a desperate attention whore, and I've put myself into that group.
Also, this story's vote count is 2045 : 25.
Let's have a little more fun. Let's look at the story's Statistics page. The Referrals column. See the RCL entry? Equestria Daily? Oooh, someone was talking about it on Facebook! Surely that proves it's evil!
You don't see four-digit vote totals very often. Two thousand upvotes is the sort of accomplishment which, with the current state of the fandom, might be almost impossible. We're a smaller crowd now, and while a story could conceivably slowly creep towards the goal total over a number of years... getting into the Feature box on your first day and leaving it with four digits requires readership manpower. You need a surge of interest and you need it in a hurry. In 2014, that was somewhat more possible. Not easy -- go ahead: sort the site by upvote count and see how many people are on that level -- but measurably more likely. These days, your main hope would be for the long-term marathon, because the speed sprint doesn't cover as much ground as it used to.
Even then, it was an accomplishment. And when compared against a full catalog? This story's vote count is beyond anything I've ever done: my most popular work is in the low 1200s. I don't know if I'll personally ever see a thousand upvotes on anything I write again: Cerea has the best (small) chance, that's the long gallop, and she'll probably get there with at least eighty downvotes dragging from her tail.
Again: two thousand people liked this story. Factor out estimated repeat page views plus those who hit the Back button after one sentence, and we can say about ten thousand read it. For YouTube personalities and influencers, that's a Delete Your Account number. On FIMFic? You are the one-week Princess Of The World.
And when you come across a story with these kind of numbers... it can come across a dare of sorts. Go ahead. Find a reason to dislike it. You know that movie with a 99% rating on Rotten Tomatoes? You know which review people pay the most attention to? The one which kept the rating from being 100%. See if you're going to be That Critic. The story dares you.
But if you go in looking for hate -- if you're seeking the audience which comes from offering negativity and that's your only reason for reviewing at all -- then you're not a critic. You're a different level of desperate attention whore, and instead of selling your creativity, you just auctioned off your objectivity to the lowest bidder.
You don't get that back.
Two thousand upvotes. Academy Award for Best Picture. Pulitzer Prize. The appropriate critical reaction to all of those has to be 'So'? Because you're reading it now.
Also, there are people who felt The English Patient was that year's Best Picture.
The lesson there: REALLY?
We begin with an all-dialogue section, in a police interrogation room. Blank Slate has just surrendered himself to the authorities, who aren't quite sure what to do with him. Just for starters, they're not sure he's Blank Slate. That's the name of a fast-growing legend: somepony who can steal anything. Unstoppable and, currently to the point, unseen.
Of course, having a few small things from recent robberies on your person provides a certain proof of identity.
So why is he surrendering himself?
“…She told me to.”
“…”
“It’s the truth.”
“…Start at the beginning.”
(This is one of those areas where I'm genuinely not sure what the accepted style is. When I open a sentence on an ellipses, Fluttershy, the first letter will be lower-case: she's fading in -- and I thought that was how it was supposed to work. I'm not used to seeing someone start that way with a capital, and that's why it stood out)
'She' being the one with the horn and wings and pastel mane. Blank decided the best way to create a perpetual legend was through robbing the palace and, well... that's where you get Princesses. (Or in this case, the singular.) But what could Celestia say or do to make a master thief, somepony who didn't have the police anywhere close to his tail, who has to know he's facing what might be decades of jail time -- just turn himself in?
This story starts with a hook. It creates a near-instant question: what happened? Stephen King's gotta is installed behind your lower lip and begins to drag you along: maybe some readers are just vaguely curious, but quite a few simply gotta know. The gotta is what gets you to the next line.
It's one of the advantages of starting at the end of the action. How did we get here? That's the mystery. And the answers have to lie ahead, because there's a lot of story to go through and where else are the answers going to be?
The author has already shown you that they can potentially master something which many professionals still have trouble with: they know how the story ends. (Think about everything you've read and seen which just sort of... stopped, or trailed off into the sunset. It may take a while.) But that doesn't guarantee a beginning. When you work in this mode, you have to set everything up so that it all comes together when the reader looks back. That opening scene has to be the logical conclusion and if that falls apart, the readership is going to be pissed.
You only find out if the story works by going forward. But in terms of hooks? It's a classic, and a classic executed properly can be a masterstroke.
A classic executed horribly is also a masterstroke. That's how guillotines work.
It was going to be the greatest heist he’d ever pulled, and it was going to put the name of Blank Slate down in history.
Or, more accurately, it was going to put the idea of Blank Slate down in history.
You have my attention.
I admit it freely: I love it when someone plays around with language like this. It's an instant insight into Blank's character: he wants recognition, but he wants it at one-remove. He's the thieving equivalent to a sasquatch: someone might say there's evidence, and no one in charge is ever going to pin it down. That's the goal: legend without final proof of who that legend was. Priorities: in order.
Which puts some further begging on that 'I surrender' question.
We get a description of the opening stages for the heist itself: this is being used to demonstrate that Blank is a professional, knows exactly what he's doing, and shows why he hasn't been caught before this. This requires the writer to sell us on a skill which the majority of us don't have, and it's also meant to get the pulse going a little faster while stalling on the answer to our question.
What's the best part of a heist film? Watching the plan unfold, right? One of the miracles of Die Hard is that Hans' crew is composed of murderers with an on-screen body count -- and when they get through the vault, it's still an exalted moment because that was the plan and they still pulled it off? Round of applause for the bad guys, please: they earned it. Because it's a near-truism that you're not human if you can't look at an armored truck without daydreaming about robbing it, and so we save a little bit of admiration for those who can do it with style.
The writer can afford to burn words here, because it's being used to show why this should work. We know that Blank gets a one-point interception: we just don't know how or when. Anticipation builds, and as long as you still want to know what truly took place -- you'll keep reading.
That's the goal. To keep you reading. Mouse pointer nowhere near the Back button. You're hooked, because you took the bait.
(There's a potential joke here about how stories are about how much you're willing to swallow. Let's not make it.)
Which doesn't mean there aren't some awkward struggles on the line.
He had been the most recent ‘donor’ to the thieves’ hoard, and after being heard bragging about the exceptional new security spells and measures applied throughout his home.
Something about this sentence just looks off. I think it's the 'after being heard bragging' section: the tenses don't seem to add together.
But if you read that far -- if you reach the sentence after that -- then the writer is still winning. Because you don't know yet. And when a whole story is building up to answering a question --
-- then that answer had better work.
Here's the thing about a mystery. You can plant a thousand clues. Red herrings are acceptable, as long as you don't go for a full school of them and you give the reader a chance to spot why they don't work. But when you trot your solution into the spotlight, you cannot declare that 2+2=5, and that answer is right because no one in the audience understands how math works. They will rebel. They will turn on you like a Dallas Cowboys fanbase which just saw their first-round draft pick lose half a yard. You're only as good as your current sentence, and if the final score reads Writer 0, Readers HUH?, the writer is dead. Torn into bleeding chunks, because those pieces won't go together either.
Want a demonstration of how to utterly screw this up? There's a movie called The Snowman. Find a detailed synopsis, because I won't ask any of you to put yourselves through watching the thing. See how long you can keep from laughing.
If the solution works, the readers will always remember it. If it doesn't, they will never let you forget.
One more bit with sentence construction.
Perhaps once doing this might have given him pause, but the smooth confidence, the impression that the pony is supposed to be there, is the most important part of the illusion.
That feels like a rough opening. There's a sense of a missing comma and potential word order flip. And why am I being this pedantic? Is it because I'm looking at a story which has reached levels of performance I'll never see and am desperate to find something to criticize?
Don't be silly. You didn't need a question mark there at all.
Nyah-nyah.
(Maybe?)
Huh. We both have a smithy on the lower levels. Go figure.
Most of the early part of the story is about the heist itself, and it can reach the point where your nerves are screaming to bring the Princess in from Stage Anywhere. We've been promised white-furred intervention: the longer it stays offscreen, the more it can feel like the author is stalling.
Of course, it also depends on how much you're into detail. There are people who find themselves actively bored by worldbuilding and angered by anyone who tries to explain how the local magic works: you can usually find them in the Comments sections for just about everything I've ever written. And there are those who want to follow every aspect of the trick, because it's all the more magical when you understand how it works. The author brings in a lot of explanation, and you're either going to be in the audience as Penn exposes the plexiglass of the tunnels or you're storming for the exit to get your money back. There's very little in-between.
But in time -- after the bulk of it -- Blank reaches his goal. He's potentially seconds away from success, which means that this is where we bring in the Princess. Celestia strides onto the stage, and --
-- talks to him.
Sure. Most of us would buy that, right? That there are times when a simple conversation with the oldest mare in the world might provide the kind of perspective which turns your life around? That's the wonder of it. The magic of empathy. Of understanding. Of finding that one person who just recognizes that things could be better.
Of utter bloody coincidence.
Okay. I have to go spoilers here because this really does give the game away. Blank, after a series of elaborate moves, manages to reach his goal while in Guard armor, fairly certain that'll get him past the last of it. Celestia comes through the area and addresses him by name. Not the name of his disguise, or even Blank Slate: his real name. Talks about the recent wave of thefts in the city, how nopony is beyond redemption, and that there's always another use for a talent.
The impact comes from having her know who he is. He hasn't heard his birth name in years. Hearing that makes him feel she must know everything about him, including the best way his life should go. But she leaves him alone, to stand outside the vault by himself. Which he does, guarding the goal all night. And in the morning? He turns himself in, because there's another use for his talents. Like beefing up palace security.
He thought she knew everything about him.
She has a minor spell constantly running which tells her the name of anypony she meets, mostly to keep her from confusing them for somepony who's been dead for a few generations. She thought she was talking to a Guard. She redeemed him by coincidence.
And looking back... yes, the answer makes sense. What he took as an offer of a second chance probably won't lead to jail time: she's smart enough to want a talent like that on her side. The mystery is solved with a solution that works.
But on the technical level, having the killer step out of a closet on the last page and say "I confess" works.
What bothers me about this story is that I didn't feel like it was going to be leading up to a punchline. It's designed to pull the rug out from under the reader. Behold the wise, serene alicorn with the wisdom of her great age -- who had no idea what she was actually doing.
Here's a story about a man with a detailed scheme for becoming rich: we follow his careful investment plan for many chapters, marveling at his financial genius, and then he wins the lottery. He got where we wanted him to be. But he accomplished it through a different route, and so it can feel like a cheat. What good was everything we went through with him, when none of those efforts actually mattered in the end?
What we have here is a form of shaggy dog story. Punchline as copout. And you either laugh with the writer -- or as with the second story in this set, you might decide the writer is laughing at you.
This story comes in two chapters. The bulk is in the first: the second is the punchline alone. And if I had stopped reading at the end of the first chapter, then there would be a mystery which isn't solved: how Celestia knew the name. But it's an answer I could have lived without. Maybe palace intelligence had been tracking this all along. Possibly Blank slipped up somewhere. Or it's just one of those 'mysterious alicorn' things. Any of those and the story still works. There are times when we're best off not knowing, because the answer to a mystery doesn't have to explain everything. We know who fired the gun: learning about barrel striations isn't necessary.
But then the writer showed us how the trick was done. Which rendered it into just that: a trick. One meant to be deliberately cheap.
I can't say if I'm being laughed at, or if I'm supposed to laugh with. But I can say this: I was better off stopping before the punchline.
That was the point when the magic was still intact.
It's well-constructed. I know why it has those upvotes, and I'll call them earned. But it's a story I can't upvote, because it didn't work for me. I can't downvote it, because it's too well-constructed. I just look at it, and I sigh a little, and I -- walk away.
It's my fault, really.
You can't review a story if you don't finish...
So if you want to put yourself through this -- for those who do or don't want to bribe their way in -- story submissions go in the Comments below.
Y'all do seem to love watching me suffer.
You'd think my normal life had given you sufficient opportunity.
I feel like you might have some Opinions about the Season 5 finale.
I'd probably say "You know, there's a reason I put the maximum -- or, at least, the lower end of the 'less likely to review' -- word limit at 10,000. If you're submitting a story for review that makes me read another story to understand it, that risks subverting the entire point of having a word limit."
You may have a lot of side stories, but you're not submitting stories for reviews that are themselves under some reviewer's word limit, but which say, "Oh, by the way, you need to read over half a million other words to understand me."
Oh, this promises to be fun.
... Is it bad that I'm not?
(Both Twilights would have the same system as long as she devised it before the CSGU entrance exam, and thus before the timelines split. And since this is Twilight we're talking about, I can easily see her coming up with this specific call-and-response in her foalhood. Especially while involving Shining.)
I too am terrible at chess. With Magic, there's hidden information, customization, the ability to do more than one thing a turn. Chess is, at least on paper, a fair fight, and we all know those are for suckers. I may have to look into the linked game.
I've heard tales of asshat Deadpools, though I've never encountered any. The Deadpools I've seen at pony conventions are more respectful than that, especially Princess Deadpool. Genuinely cool guy based on my experiences with him.
I admit, I do that.
Some more excellent dissections of the art of writing. Here's hoping your life settles down enough that you can do these without the same level of struggle as this one.
Hah! XD I'll admit, Little Deceptions wasn't the first piece I would've put in here for your 'entertainment' for exactly the reason of the upvote count, but the others were either too long, fanfanfics, or unfinished anyway.
I accept the criticism in full and glad you enjoyed the bits you did enjoy. =D Thank you for spending the time and effort on it, and also for giving me the confusing feeling of having one of my favourite authors on the site comment with a hint of spiteful jealousy about my achievements I guess?
5296826 Yeah, I've gotten requests like that.
Little Deceptions is one of those stories that drove me nuts, because I loved it so much but I have the memory of a sieve, and a few months later, I couldn't remember the title to save my life.
I cannot remember the last time I had more fun than sitting here, reading you roll your eyes and gnash your teeth for a few thousand words. :D
I do apologize for trolling you. You're a cool person, I respect you, and you don't deserve it. But take heart! You weren't far off with the accusation of mind control!
...Maybe you should read a few sequels, so you can feel vindicated. XD
Oh, my Celestia!
Estee, you just made my entire WEEK with that!
Mainly because that's the way I regard her; a totally unnecessary Mary Sue that wasn't needed in the first place.
"forever idea" reminded me of "MLP time loops".
i starts with Twilight thrust into a "groundhog day" style setting, reliving her life. (just the first season of the cartoon, at first)
then later it gets into lots of weird crossovers, and she learns that OTHER realities are also "looping"...
it gets quite complicated, and sometimes very silly.
and sometimes they get "fused loops", resulting in strangeness like Darth Vader visiting Equestria...
omigosh, i think i've read "little deceptions" before, or something VERY similar.
edit: nope, not the same story, but the same name spell gimmick.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm enjoying these a lot.
I feel a little bit like I got away with something, if that's the worst that the silliest of my stories can be accused of =D
Thanks for taking the time! You have also now inspired me to create a weekly serial featuring alternate timeline shenanigans which I will pursue sometime after the heat death of the universe
ICR who said "If they keep writing long enough, every writer starts sounding like a bad parody of themselves"
IMO, Heinlein sounded like a GOOD parody of himself & despite having written more than 500 books and an estimated 90,000 letters and postcards, Asimov never reached that point. They're the only exceptions that I can think of.
I've got 3 sisters. I could believe this.
As a guy, I can say that I've never met a guy that WOULDN'T not only "Kiss" & Tell but "Kiss" & Exaggerate
Of course, this is during their teenage years. As they get older, discretion occurs at least while sober
Hello Estee, I did send you a message (with my donation) on Ko-fi a while back, but I forgot to post a comment here, so not sure if you got it. I do have a story you could review, but given your fondness for RPGs you might prefer to spend your time on this novelisation of our RP campaign instead (it's much too long to review but that's ok). If nothing else it has some neat illustrations. :)
i.ibb.co/vcds8St/through-the-storm.jpg
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Heinlein was one of those who tended to give up part way through a story though, at least with his later ones
I cannot wait to see Estees interpretation of her.
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Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The first story that he had that problem with was Stranger In A Strange Land (1961). The last one that he DIDN'T have this problem with was The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress (1966) IMO, his best novel.
He'd get bored partway through, then just finish it any-old-how. The last chapter or so would be crap. The problem was that he was good enough & popular enough that he could get away with it.
There’s a couple of my stories I’d like to put up for review, but I don’t think they’re eligible. Getting Back In The Swing Of Things is a definite no, at 17K words long. And A Ritual As Old As The Hills involves a 16-year-old Babs in a graphic sexual encounter, which most likely runs afoul of your no foalcon rule. (Which is a little disappointing, since it’s the one I’m most proud of, creatively speaking.) The only story I’ve got that is unquestionably eligible--Grooming A Student--is mostly just a little fluff piece.
Despite that, I wouldn’t mind seeing these continue, at all. They’re about as entertaining as your stories. Plus, reading reviews like this helps me become a better reader and writer, both.
If you do happen to go another round with these reviews, I will add this ultra-short story to the pool of possibilities.
I'd like to throw my second hat in the ring, with a story that will probably be more fun to rip into than the last one. So here, have a crackfic: The Formula.
I also just bought you some coffees, but since I've already been in one of these I'm gonna say it's delayed pay and not a bribe. I'm not in a rush.
I put in a kofi for this story and I’m putting it here too since my kofi I’d is different.
I certainly hope you continue this review series, and not just so that my eager dread at the requested evisceration (5287325) of my sole currently-eligible story doesn't come all for naught. Not only does it live up to your usual high bar of being both entertaining and informative in all the expected ways, but at least for me personally, it's also quite fascinating to get an in-depth look at your radically-different-from-mine takes on various of the subjective aspects of story interpretation and your reasoning behind them. That's not something I see nearly as often as I'd like, at least in enough detail to be useful – normally it's all too easy to keep resting firm in the unconscious belief that one's own takes are representative of everyone's. That's definitely not the case here, and consequently it opens up a lot of interesting questions that I'm looking forward to trying to answer once I'm past the last of my deadlines that I'm supposed to be focusing on instead.
(Also, semicolons successfully averted. You're welcome.)
I always look forward to reading these blog posts, not just because I want to see you shred a story. But because of that nice insight into the craft you give in-between. Writing advice websites are a dime a dozen, but you give us a veteran's fimfic-specific experience which is nice.
I’ll offer up my own virgin sacrifice for your dragon’s breath. It’s a short, fluff-esque story. May it be a reprieve from the Deadpool stories.
I figure even if you tear it down I’ll get a dissertation on romance and fluff in the process. So still a win!
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Saaaame.
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These reviews are a lot of fun to read, and very insightful. I’ll offer up another story for your (un)amusement, bribed and everything: A Charmed Life
Does this imply that for some people, Starlight Glimmer[butt] is a Mary Sue? I am curious to read more about this.
Estee, I think maybe your complaint about https://www.fimfiction.net/story/207385/little-deceptions can be addressed by reading the last chapter first.
I say this because that's the reading order I used when I read the story, and I think it worked that way?
Also, yes, I am that weird as to make experiments like that.
[poster deleted content, because redundant with https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/907343/estee-ticks-off-the-entire-site-story-reviews-round-4-in-a-series-of-unlikely-possible-story-submissions-for-future-rounds#comment/5691912 .]