An Old MFAB Second Chapter Draft · 6:47am Jun 12th, 2020
You know, I never continued Magical Filly Apple B, and I suspect I never will, but I do have a fair amount of an old draft lying around for the second chapter.
I remember I really felt like I needed to go through and revise Twist's familiar's accent, as it was getting rather out of control. I was having trouble with Twist's lisp, a bit, too.
Diamond's minion... would probably have been controversial. I still rather like it.
Silver Spoon is great in it, though.Her bits are some of the bits that hurt the most that I never released.
And, of course, the ending of the chapter was where I totally got blocked, and just have a summary of what happened.
If you want to read it, though, the whole draft is in this blog! I'd clean it up and post it as a second chapter... but I'd really at least want the summarized bits properly written out, and it doesn't seem like I'm doing that. So, I thought I'd post it here, at least, as some people might enjoy it.
I did post a few paragraphs of this some time before...
All down the normally quiet and sedate street could be heard the loud clatter of hooves rapidly hitting the pavement. Windows slammed shut and curtains were pulled, as the average pony’s view on excitement came into play.
Apple Bloom huffed as she galloped down the street with Twist, Winona right on their heels.
"Have we caught up with that spoon yet?"
Twist looked over at her, a glint of light reflecting off her glasses. "Caught up with it? I thought we were trying to get away from it."
Winona snapped at them irritably from behind. "Girls! I told you I lost it before we left."
A pointy muzzle with a tiny black nose popped out of Twist's tail. Above it, a tiny paw held onto a pair of glasses to keep them from flying off. "Would either of ye lasses be able to tell me what street this would be? I can't say I recognize it at all."
Oops. That was a problem. Apple Bloom and Twist stopped in their tracks and looked at each other as Winona stopped between them.
"I'm not thure. Wath anypony paying attention to where we were going?"
"Direction?" Winona grumbled. "It was a chase. You don't pay attention to direction in a chase."
"Just 'Rabbit!' or 'Cat!' and off you go, you mean?" Apple Bloom sniped, tired of taking flack from her companion.
"Apple Bloom! That's not at all fair," Winona said reproachfully.
"Hardly inaccurate, though, you have to admit," Will said, stepping down to the ground next to her.
"Why don't you do something useful, Apple Bloom, and figure out where we are?" Winona asked.
"Now don't go changing the subject here…"
As Apple Bloom's companions continued to bicker, she walked further down the street and took a look around.
They seemed to have ended up on the edge of an alley. Boxes were piled up in the street, the open ones looking like they'd already been looked through or may have had something or someone living in them. Scraps of paper and all types of junk were scattered around the alleyway everywhere, except in the trash can in one corner.
The whole area seemed to be deserted, aside from a pink filly with a green mane sitting off to one side.
Well, she was a familiar face, at least.
Apple Bloom headed over to the filly, who looked back at her with a resigned look on her face.
Right, she'd gotten her upset last time they met, hadn't she? "Er, sorry about earlier. What are you doing here, though? I thought you were back at Sugarcube Corner."
"Having had a speaking role with a main character bumped me up the list for background pony spots. That means scenes that need a random passerby like this one are a lot more likely to call for me to be in them now."
"Oh. How exactly do they keep straight who is who if you don't have names, anyways?" Apple bloom asked, hoping she wouldn't be hurting the filly’s feelings again.
Much to her relief, the filly just tapped the papers she always seemed to have on her. "Says right here 'Pink Background Filly Number Four'."
Huh. Maybe they did have names after all, though that was a really weird one. Then she remembered why she'd come over.
"Do you know where we are, or where that giant spoon got to?"
"I suppose I could take a look through the script…" Then the pink filly glanced over at the largest pile of boxes. "No, actually I can't right now. It's time for my line, as small as it is. Sorry…"
She walked over in their direction, and a giant spoon leapt out from behind them.
"Eek!" she screamed, and ran back towards the alley.
On the way out of the alley, another spoon took a swing at her, and she rolled out of the way and darted off. As she left, Apple Bloom heard "I do all my own stunts, you know," come faintly back.
Looking around, Apple Bloom saw spoons on all sides, glinting evilly in the moonlight, surrounding her and the others.
"Aw, horseapples."
Before long, the four of them had been marched out of town, the spoons whacking the ground menacingly nearby any time they stopped walking or were too slow.
"Well, there is a bright side to all of this," Will said from a rather more secure perch on Twist's back. "We should know shortly where Silver Spoon's base of operations is."
Winona shot him a glare. "Being captured isn't exactly the best way to figure that out, Will."
"Just making the point."
"It's just Silver Spoon, anyway," Apple Bloom said. "How much trouble could she be? She just goes around actin' all snooty with Diamond all the time an' calling us blank flanks."
"That'th not all she doeth!" Twist protested faintly.
"However she might be normally, she is a villain, now," Winona said. "Don't underestimate her."
"I guess she couldn't do that before, at least." Apple Bloom pointed to the giant spoons crowding all around them.
One of them jabbed at her backside, and then pointed straight at the opening to a cave that lay before them.
"That looks like an invitation to me," Will declared. The spoon waggled up and down in agreement.
They all entered the cave single file, not having much other choice, and the spoons pressed behind them. As the last of them entered, two stayed by the entrance and positioned themselves in an x-shape across it, blocking the way back.
Apple Bloom wasn't given much time to dwell on how difficult getting out of there would be, though, as the spoons kept them marching through a rather craggy, dingy cave.
There wasn't much distinguishing this from just any other cave. Apple Bloom wasn't sure if this was to disguise it better, or just because they hadn't gotten around to decorating it. Given the room they were coming up to, she guessed it was the latter.
On the wall, a banner was sloppily hung, proclaiming Empress Tiara the rightful ruler of all of Equestria. Below it, a picture of Silver Spoon was taped with the words "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down" written below it for no reason Apple Bloom could think of.
Sitting at a cheap fold-up table was Silver Spoon herself, cloak lying limply behind her as she leaned back on a chair. Well, not a chair, actually. It looked to be a giant spoon, so it likely wasn't that comfortable. A sheet of paper was on the table and every so often Silver Spoon scribbled away at it with a pencil.
Not that far away was a considerably plusher-looking chair with a few scuff marks, like it had been dragged there and maybe dropped a few times. Diamond Tiara was lazing away, leaning back in it, back legs propped on what to Apple Bloom’s first glance appeared to be a cream colored footrest, with curly brown yarn on both sides. A half-finished milkshake sat to one side.
Diamond leaned forward for a moment and tapped on the footrest. "Closer, Table," she said, and it moved. As he stood up, Apple Bloom realized it wasn't a footrest at all, but a colt with his head down, lying on the floor.
He carefully inched closer to Diamond, taking care not to disturb her milkshake. When she nodded, he obediently lay back down, and she moved her hind legs back into place.
After thinking, Apple Bloom realized he was actually in her class. Of course, she couldn't remember what his name was - oh, wait, he must be a background pony. But why would he be acting as Diamond Tiara's footrest?
Apple Bloom shook her head. It wasn't like he seemed unhappy about it or anything, and she had bigger problems right now.
Just then, she heard a long gong, or rather, the loud sound of a giant spoon's head hitting an old cake pan, which was close. Silver Spoon looked up from what she had been writing, or possibly doodling.
"Ah, good. You're here," she said, sounding far more reasonable, and, well, sane, then she had earlier. "I could have done with the others, but how much intelligence do you expect from a spoon, anyway?"
Now that was too good to pass up. "I'd think that if anypony would know that, it'd be you, Silver Spoon."
She waved one foreleg nonchalantly, shrugging off the implied insult as if it was nothing. “Naturally. They are my spoons, after all. But I didn't bring you here to bandy about insults."
Apple Bloom looked at her skeptically. "Then what did you bring us here for?"
"She's a villain, Apple Bloom," Winona told her. "Villains don't need reasons."
"Oh, shut up, you low-bred mongrel," Silver Spoon snapped. The kitten on her shoulder hissed, and swiped her claws in Winona's direction.
"Of course I have a reason," Silver Spoon continued, in a calmer tone. "All things in the universe have a purpose and a reason, whether we are aware of them or not."
Apple Bloom certainly wasn't sure of that. "What's yours, then?"
"It might not have occurred to you, but frankly, most of our classmates are dolts, and the townspeople are no better, on the whole. Our real equals would be the two of you, and, of course, your two friends, Bloom. Rivals, perhaps, excepting Twist, but equals none the less."
"Tho you brought uth here to get uth out of the way before you take over?" Twist asked, tilting her head a bit, and looking between Silver Spoon and the kitten.
Silver Spoon laughed. It wasn't a long villainous laugh like she'd done before, but rather, the laugh of someone who had just heard something rather funny. "Only if I have to, my dear Twist. Taking over Ponyville, let alone all of Equestria, is an enormous job. I have Diamond's help, obviously, and she is going to be my co-ruler as the empress."
Diamond Tiara smoothed out her mane, adjusted her tiara, and smirked as Apple Bloom glanced in her direction, frowning.
"I'm going to need more help than that, though." She turned to Twist. "Everypony makes fun of you with that lisp and your love of books, not to mention your frazzled mane and glasses. I've heard them, you know, calling you 'worst pony', a waste of space, and even more hurtful things. You don't need to put up with any of that, and you shouldn't."
Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses, and Twist unconsciously pushed hers back as well as Silver continued.
"You are one of the smartest ponies I know. Join me as an advisor, all right? It'll have to be behind the scenes at first, of course, until we can get you a makeover and clear up that speech impediment of yours, but I could really use you."
"Dunnae listen to her, Twist," the ferret next to her said, his rather inconsistent accent coming back. "She cannae be up to no good."
Twist bit her lip and looked down.
Apple Bloom decided to break in before Twist made any hasty decisions. "If Twist's one of the smartest ponies you know, why did you bring me here? I doubt it's for my brains."
"Oh no, your talents," Silver Spoon glanced at Apple Bloom's bare flank, "or perhaps I should say your skills - lie in other areas. You and your friends spend all of your time trying to find your special talents. You may not be looking in the most intelligent ways, but you have lots of guts, enthusiasm, and persistence, and the three of you fancy yourselves crusaders."
She looked off into the distance, light cooperatively glinting off her glasses dramatically, and then she looked back at Apple Bloom.
"So how would you like to be real crusaders? Or knights, possibly? You can become the 'Mystic Knights of the Spoon', and each of you could lead one of my squadrons of spoons. They aren't the brightest, after all, and they could use proper direction. Maybe you'd even get your cutie marks. What is it you three say? 'Cutie Mark Crusader World Conquerors? Yay?'"
Apple Bloom looked down at the floor herself. She knew taking over Ponyville was wrong, and she didn't like Silver or Diamond one bit, but that sounded like a lot of fun.
"Of course, if you don't get your cutie marks, you'll have our help, not to mention the resources of our whole empire to figure them out. With the difficulty the three of you are having, I'm sure you'll end up with something impressive, not like mine."
Apple Bloom looked over at Diamond Tiara, who had finished her milkshake, and was watching them placidly.
"And you'd be all right with this, Diamond? Don't you hate us?"
Diamond grabbed a soda bottle from beside her chair. She put the end in the mouth of the colt her hooves were lying on. He bit down on it as she twisted, and then spit out the cap, not seeming to mind being used as a bottle opener.
"Why would I care? If you blank flanks want to make yourselves useful, by all means go for it. Maybe it'll keep you busy and not doing all the dumb stuff around town that you generally do."
Pulling the bottle back from his mouth, she wiped off the end with a handkerchief and took a swig. "Did I bring something to eat?" she said to no one in particular. She opened her saddlebags and started rooting through them.
Apple Bloom glared at Diamond, and then shifted her glare to Silver Spoon on reflection.
"You did something to him," she said, pointing at the colt, "to make him do anything she says, didn't you?"
Silver Spoon smiled. "That would have been amusing, wouldn't it? I didn't do a thing, though. He came up to her after class, and told her that her really liked her and would do anything for her."
"And what I really needed was a table, and now a footrest. You've been a very good footrest, too, haven't you, Table?" Diamond said, stroking his mane, and scratching behind his ears.
His ears lay back and he let out a sigh. "Yes, Mistress Tiara."
"Couldn't you at least call him by a real name, and not just keep calling him 'Table'?"
Silver Spoon spread her forehooves. "He's a minion. They'll go with whatever you want to call them. Table might not have been the most brilliant choice on Diamond's part, I'll admit, but she likes it, and therefore he does. At least with spoons, I don't need to worry about naming them."
She pulled a box out of her saddlebag, and pulled one lone plastic spoon out of it. Flipping it to the ground, she glared at it. The spoon started growing, turned silver, and shortly, another giant spoon was walking around. She tossed the empty box away and frowned. "Hmmph. Packs of plasticware don't really go as far as they ought to. I've already used all of Daddy's silverware, too."
Now that was interesting. Did she get minions, too? Maybe she could give that pink filly a name herself. Of course, you might need to be evil to get minions. But then, was Silver really evil? She seemed pretty reasonable, and that offer was tempting.
While she wasn't crazy about the name, the idea of the Cutie Mark Crusaders running around as knights leading troops was kind of an appealing one. Roaming from place to place, helping ponies in need, liberating other fillies and colts from oppressive homework…
What was Silver up to, though?
"You've said why I should join you personally. Why are you conquering the world, and why would the world be better off with you ruling?"
Silver Spoon brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. "Doesn't every filly want to be a princess some day? And can you honestly tell me that Celestia is doing that great of a job? What does she even do, besides sitting in her castle, eating cake?"
"Well, there's raising and lowering the sun…"
"How do we know she does that? For all we know, it's been going in a circle around the world by itself for a long time, and doesn't even need her. Her special talent could be stopping it from rotating, even. And all the stories say that it used to be done by a team of unicorns anyways. It's not exactly a useful skill for ruling a country."
She stomped one hoof on the table for emphasis.
"Things aren't run that well. Miss Cheerilee teaches us things way below what we should be learning, like teaching us about cutie marks after we all had them. When I asked her about it, she told me that what she was teaching was set by the school boards based on standards set in Canterlot. Celestia lets everything be run by a bunch of stuffy, arrogant nobles who aren't even real business ponies and don't know what they're doing. Something needs to be done!"
Some of that did make a bit of sense, though she didn't really think Cheerilee was really below where they should be. Maybe Silver Spoon was just ahead of where she should be? She'd always sort of pegged Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara as being more of the stuffy high-class pony type, too, so her complaining about them was strange, unless they did something to irritate her.
No, something wasn't right here. She was trying to think of a reply when Twist did it for her.
"You wanted me to do the thinking, right? The firtht problem ith I don't think you're ready to run the country. We'd need a lot more experience, and there are probably reathonth the problemth haven't already been taken care of." Twist shook her head. "I can't go along with thith. My advice would be to abandon this before it getth too far, and try to change thingth from within when we're older."
Silver Spoon made a tsking sound. "It's a shame you feel that way. How about you, Apple Bloom?"
"I'm with Twist on this one. Being crusading knights might be fun and all, but we'd probably be going against our own family, and I'm not sure the cause is the best."
The kitten made a hissing sound.
"Well, I hate to do this, but I can't have you opposing me. I'll just have to throw you in the dungeon for a few days until you've changed your mind or it's over."
Apple Bloom glanced at the fold-up table and chairs. "You have a dungeon?"
"All right, not a dungeon as such, but I've got a really big cage that isn't being used since the tragic death of Mr. Bun." The kitten sniggered and licked its lips as Silver Spoon mentioned this. "It should be big enough for all of you, since I wanted him to have lots of room."
—
What happens from this point:
The army of spoons move in at Silver Spoon's command to escort them over to a giant cage. Being unwilling to be locked up, our protagonists get ready for a fight.Apple Bloom attempts to do a magical girl transformation, and is absolutely unsuccessful due to a lack of confidence in herself.
Twist does her own transformation sequence with a pink and white ribbon on a stick. Her mane de-frizzes and falls back, her glasses disappear, and a classic bookworm to bombshell transformation occurs.
She starts fighting dozens of spoons at once with her ribbon and 'Peppermint Twist' attacks. This isn't enough, because we have Silver Spoon there as well, and her kitty cat.
Diamond's in the fight, too, but she's pretty ineffectual because she is not a magical girl. Table is helping her, though.
They are still having trouble, but a masked colt bursts in, and fends off enough of the spoons and Silver with the rapier in his mouth, for them to make an escape. He tosses a rose their direction and departs. It's pretty obviously Pipsqueak.
As they leave, they hear the following line from Diamond:
"Table,you're bleeding. Roll over and let me see your leg. I'll get the first aid kit…"Leaving, Apple Bloom is majorly coming down on herself for not having been able to transform, and Twist is trying to persuade her that it's not that big of a deal. About this point, Apple Bloom notices Twist's lisp is missing, and the conversation veers in that direction.
It turns out that Twist is speaking with a lisp, but it comes out without one in her magical form, so her lisp is actually even worse immediately after her transformations, and it's one thing she hates about the whole thing, since it's setting any progress she makes towards getting rid of it back.
They part, and Apple Bloom goes to her room and settles in for the night, talking with Winona about what she can do about her transformation and making plans for tomorrow, before they both go to sleep for the night.
I think your main problem with this may be the speed at which you developed the story. Two chapters in and you're already dealing with a total of more than seven characters. Did you ever take notes on any of them?
You have a pony with a rapier and you do not make it the colt she fenced with in Cutie Pox? For shame. Other than that, I could picture everything well enough. I can see why a big project like this is taking so much time, running into similar problems myself.
The snowflake method helps for planning, and a daily goal of about 500 to 700 words helps too, it's easy to surpass.
Also, random note: glad to see you are okay, and still writing.
Glad you're not dead. :)
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I did rather change around my ideas about where the story was going as I was writing, which certainly doesn't help. OTOH, Magical Girl stories are going to have both the magical girls and their companions, by necessity.
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Thanks. I'll admit, this is the most likely story of my incomplete ones to be abandoned. Any time I think about just winging it, I tend to feel like I could wrap everything up in a few chapters if I ever get to it. Cubic Zirconia's problem is more that I'm halfway through, but already wrote enough that I feel like I should be near the end of the story, rather than Act I. I may go and try to compress half a story worth of content into Diamond Tiara's diary entries, which wouldn't necessarily be the most satisfying, but would be better than it staying incomplete.
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I'm glad I'm not dead too!
I keep an eye on things on fimfiction rather more than my actual last logged in status would indicate, but usually don't tend to have much reason to pop in...
--arcum42
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Eh, I'm pretty active on FIMFiction, but elsewhere on the internet I'm no stranger to lurking. :)
And good luck with the writing!
I need Peppermint Twist in my life