Rage Review: Resist and Bite (Chapters 1-2) · 10:58am Mar 21st, 2020
Chapter 1: Life of a M.I.T. Student
So we meet young Charlie Lam, conveniently 18 years old (to let Author write love scenes, I guess, and oh dear the story is flagged "Mature" and "Romance" so there may be Deep Hurting coming up!). He lives in Castle Hill, Australia.
Charlie's alarm wakes him and he says
"Alright, time to instigate the day."
You go right on and provoke this day into a fight, Charlie my lad!
We learn way too much about Charlie's electronics and tastes in music, and then comes a story section so epic I had to reproduce it in all its glory:
Once the song was playing. Charlie got up from his bed and exited his bedroom. After that, he walked to his bathroom and grabbed his electronic toothbrush, squeezed some toothpaste on it and placed it in his mouth. He then turned it on and began to brush his teeth. After brushing for thirty seconds, he pulled his toothbrush out of his mouth and grabbed his cup of water. He drank the water in his mouth and spat it out. He then grabbed a wet towel and washed his face.
After he has finished those, he exited his bathroom and walked downstairs to his living room. He walked to the kitchen and made some breakfast. He made scrambled eggs, two sausages and two toasts. He placed them on a large plate and took a seat on a chair on his kitchen dining area with a fork and knife near his plate. He then poured water into his glass cup with a drink dispenser.
After he has accomplished all of those steps. He began to eat his breakfast.
... which shows that Story has its sense of priorities. Generic, bland descriptions of General Metal Pads subduing the Mane Six plus Spike and Luster Dawn and Pinkie PIe's youngest child, because who cares about boring stuff like that? I sure don't!
But man ... if you ever wanted to know just how Charlie Lam, future Hero of Two Worlds, brushes his teeth and precisely what he's having for breakfast, and with what utensils ... well, you've come to the right story!
After some exciting dish-washing and car-boarding action, Our Hero drives to his university in Sydney, where we witness dramatic car-parking. Man, Author gives it to us straight just how the Troubled Youth of Today parks his car, blow by heart-thumping blow!
We do get to see Charlie's appreciation of his family photo, which establishes some character. I'll take what I can get, in this story.
There are some strange word choices which may well be Australian dialect, so I'll let them pass.
Charlie talks to himself. In detail. Then ...
Once Charlie has took the elevator up to the campus he was greeted by many of his friends who started to hang out with him before their period.
It's a good thing that we don't get to learn the names or personalities or relationships of Charlie's friends. Otherwise, we might detract from the laser-like focus on Charlie and his use of appliances, big and small. And how interesting would they be, anyway, compared to the focus of attention which is the wondrous, the lustrous, the radiant CHARLIE?
(Okay, I cribbed that from the honorifics used by the Gems toward the Diamonds).
We then learn what Charlie's studying. Which includes fluid mechanics and chemistry. Also, Charlie's invented some "high-tech safety goggles." Which is at least interesting, and makes me think Author may actually be a techie.
Finally he has his computer science course and the chapter just kind of dies.
Chapter 2: News report and escape
Do we get to escape the story?
No such luck.
Charlie eats some lunch, after waiting on line "1 minute and 32 seconds." Yes, the story does tell us exactly how many seconds. These details are important!
The astonishing conversation with Miss Lauren the Lunch Lady would doubtless thrill many of you, but you'll have to read the original tale. It's too dramatic for me to report on adequately here. Let me just say that much politeness and lunch is exchanged between Our Hero and this amazing character!
Charlie is then greeted by his friend Markus, who asks him how things are going. Charlie proceeds to inform Markus of the events of the previous chapter, minus the tooth-brushing and breakfast and driving, which are Official Secrets not to be disclosed even to a friend.
Suddenly, the Exposition News Network (I lie, it's the Australian Broadcast Company) comes on with an important announcement:
"Welcome back to ABC news and today we have some petrifying news to report. The Chinese People's Liberation Army has been seen invading an unidentified land called Equestria, a land filled with ponies and many other unique creatures. And here is a rare video of their work recorded by a Chinese soldier."
Um ... what?
First of all, isn't Equestria in another dimension or at least on another planet? Who "saw the Red Army doing this? And how lousy is the Chinese Communist operational security if some random soldier recorded a video and sold it to the ABC?
Secondly, "a land filled with ponies." This ignores the "intelligent, tool-using" adjectives which would make this report even seem relevant. Otherwise, we're just talking about Mongolia. Which has, you know, ponies. Lots of them.
Then, a video was seen playing on the TV screen and it showed some Chinese soldiers, swat, riot police armed with riot shields, batons, rubber bullet guns and tear gas launchers. And the Chinese soldiers armed with guns have been seen coercing some ponies, weird dragons, colourful bugs and eagles with a body of a lion, yaks and many other mysterious creatures to work which traumatized Charlie.
This is almost incoherent. Yes, we know with what sorts of things riot police are armed. Then we switch to what sounds like someone speaking, but absent quotation marks. And what the heck is wrong with the word "griffon?" Or "griffin" if one prefers? Did an "eagle with a body of a lion" steal Charlie's lunch money in grade school?
"We have no idea why the Chinese are invading the land. Some of our other reporters questioned the Chinese government about their exertion, but they denied to answer because all informations are classified and our reporters were forced to leave. ABC news."
NEWSCASTER: We also have no idea where the heck this magic land even is, or how the Chinese got there! Our reporters were forced to leave where-ever they were before, and go somewhere else. Mostly they just milled around aimlessly!
"Oh my goodness, those poor things." Markus said with a dismayed expression "I wish I could help them but there's no way I can fight an entire army." He finished in a disconsolated tone.
NARRATOR: For this chapter, the part of 'Markus' will be played by a nice middle-aged lady.
When Markus heard his friend, he looked up at him and saw a self-assured expression on him which made him agitated.
"Oh no, I've seen that look on you before, don't you even dare-"
"I want to succour them." Charlie told him quietly.
MARKUS: Oh no, the last time you got that look, you had to go save Narnia from a North Korean invasion! And the time before that, you fought Gargamel to save the Smurfs from the Iranians!
CHARLIE: It is but my destiny to save fantasy lands from totalitarian conquest.
"Okay, but do you even have any idea on how the heck you can get over there?" Markus asked in a logical sense "It's not like you have some teleportation powers in you like doctor strange." He told him.
"Your sense is veracious." Charlie said with a nod, then he leaned close to his face "But, I can hack through their teleportation device they newly invented." He whispered to him.
Yeah. Because Charlie being a smart engineering student totally implies that he can defeat a modern state's cybernetic security around a secret cutting-edge inter-dimensional teleporter and use it to send himself to an unknown land, then all by himself defeat a full-scale military invasion.
Why, when I was in college myself, I routinely used my History Student powers to overthrow Communist dictatorships! Didn't you?
"Oh come on! That is very illegal Charlie!" Markus mumbled in disbelief and anger"And how are you even gonna hack through their teleportation device?" He asked.
Wrong order of objections here, Markus, but at least both your points are valid and you seem to have a firm grasp of reality.
Charlie looked around the canteen for a moment and saw that everyone was very immersed in eating their lunch and talking which gave him a good chance on entering his private laboratory the teachers gave him last week because of his narly work.
Because that's exactly how being an undergraduate engineering student works.
Author then repeats "private laboratory" once in each of the next two paragraphs, just so that we don't forget that, yes, Charlie has a private laboratory.
Incidentally, it's never explained why it would be difficult for him to enter the lab if everyone wasn't busy eating. Did the school suspend his private laboratory privileges because of that time he tried to save Gondor from the wrath of the Cuban commandos?
So Charlie and Markus go to the private lab, where Charlie does some Sooper Dooper Professional Level Hacking ...
And once it was on, Charlie went on YouTube and clicked on the search bar. After that, he typed in 'China's teleportation invention' then he clicked enter and many videos of the teleportation machine were shown on the page. Then, Charlie clicked on one of the video and it showed the teleportation device. And finally, Charlie tapped onto his wrist computer and began to hack the teleportation device.
Wow. You really can find videos about everything on YouTube!!! 
It sure is a good thing that Chinese counterintelligence agencies just let anyone who wants to do so wander in and freely take videos of their Sooper Dooper Secret teleportation device. Which China totes has, by the way. And uses to invade other dimensions, instead of, you know, Taiwan.
And it's extra special neat that the videos apparently include hot-button links to let you communicate with the control software of the teleportation device!
If I were the Red Chinese, I would definitely plug that hole in my security!
"Charlie, are you sure about this?" Markus asked "Because I don't want to go to jail for this illegal act, I don't even have a girlfriend yet!" He told him.
CHARLIE: Eh, come with me and you'll probably wind up in bed with an Alicorn! (*reminiscent sigh*) I really should have stayed with Glinda the Good, but Ozma was getting jealous, and I'd already beaten the Boko Haram invaders, so ... what's a hero to do?
But the capital Beijing is unavailable which is perplexing.
Did, like, Discord steal Beijing or something of the sort?
"Objective two, sneak into the land." He said as he clicked on the tag Equestria. And after he clicked on it, his wrist computer began to count down.
"Teleportation commencing in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five-"
Let me pause in awe at the sheer stupidity of this whole scenario.
The Chinese have a teleportation device apparently capable at a minimum of transporting anyone from anywhere on Earth or Equestria to anywhere on Earth or Equestria. And they are somehow unable to see how something like this could be used to not only conquer the world, but do it in a manner permitting neither defense nor even certainty that they were behind it?
If any of my readers don't see how, I'll gladly explain. Let me merely point out that teleporting armed nuclear warheads into enemy cities or even ships at sea would be only the grossest way to attack with such a machine. And there would be no defense against it, unless the technology specifically permitted its shielding or jamming.
Come to think of it, Larry Niven wrote a whole essay on just this topic. It's in All The Myriad Ways.
So, we switch to Equestria, where ...
It was nighttime in Equestria, and Twilight Sparkle, Luster Dawn, Sunburst, Starlight, Spike, Lil Cheese, Pinkie Pie, Cheese Sandwich, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy were held prisoners in Twilight's castle while the others were held in the dungeons, Discord included.
Okay ...
Author remembered who he had in that earlier throne room battle scene, which for some odd reason included Lil' Cheese. For some reason the Chinese captured Cheese Sandwich (one might think he would be good at staying out of their way, but perhaps he's gotten too Fat?)
Somehow they captured Discord.
How?
Probably General Metal Pads, master of Wu Xia Elbow Fu, just hit him or something like that.
Why not? Is there something specially hard about capturing Discord? It's not like he has, I dunno, Chaos Magic or anything like that!
Nope. Just a big fragile ole Draconequus!
And the main reason why they were placed in the throne room was because there was not enough space for them in the dungeon.
1. Does Twilight's Castle even have a "dungeon?"
2. Wouldn't there be enough space for them in other rooms of the castle, which the Heathen Chinee Invaders (hiss! boo!) were converting into a prison, on General Metal Pads' orders?
3. Is it really such a good plan for the Chinese to set up HQ in an extension of the sapient, self-willed Tree of Harmony? (Admittedly, there's no reason they would know this).
And the invaders have renovated Twilight's castle as a violent training facility for the invaders.
"Violent training facilty?" What, do the instructors just randomly slap around their students, or something like that?
And the dungeons and their cell were being guarded with heavily black colour armored invaders weilding what looks to be like round and rectangular plastic shields, black coloured sticks and what looks to be like metal weapons, almost similar to the green suited invaders ones, and the scene looked hopeless to Twilight and her friends.
And you shouldn't start a sentence with "and." Let alone start every sentence with "and." It makes you sound breathless.
Also, Twilight's been captured by enemies before. And she never thought it was hopeless before. And she always found a way out to triumph. And do you see why you shouldn't start every sentence with "and" yet?
"This is no use, we are going to die." Rainbow Dash said with so much anxiety.
Because Rainbow Dash always gives up on a situation!
Twilight tries to rally Dashie, but AJ comments:
"How do you expect us to figure out a plan when those invaders have us imprisoned in your own castle?" Applejack asked in a logic sense "And even if we attempt to escape, the invaders would instantly kill us with their monstrous metal weapons."
1. Being imprisoned in one's own castle means one has the home field advantage. Especially when it's an extension of a crystalline superbeing.
2. Why is AJ unaware of what a gun is, when she has a good friend and fifth cousin twice removed who routinely uses a cannon?
The guards then start talking to each other in Chinese, which Twilight now inexplicably understands, even though she didn't last chapter.
"Guys, that invader has the key to our cell." Twilight said quietly.
"He does?" Sunburst asked and Twilight replied with a nod.
Starlight stepped forward and looked at the invader's belt and saw that it does indeed have a key.
And somehow Sunburst and Starlight are now in the scene! Seriously, there's no reason why they should have been. They might well have been in Ponyville, but they weren't on the short-list of Ponies imprisoned in the throne room.
Oh, who cares. Let's just say they were there.
She them turned around and faced her friends and daughter Luster Dawn.
And now Luster Dawn is their daughter. Well, why not?
Rainbow Dash looked down on her cell and saw that there was a small pebble on the floor, then she came up with a great plan.
"Girls, I have a plan." Rainbow Dash told them.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Is it a cunning plan?
RAINBOW DASH: Oh, it's a very cunning plan?
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Does it involve turnips?
RAINBOW DASH: Yes, how did you know?
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Lucky guess.
(from Chapter 2, Princess Blackadder of Equestria)
In the middle throne room, Jiang Tai Shun was casually guarding the throne room with a baton and round plastic riot shield equipped on him.
You could see it on his Character Display Screen!
But the sheer brilliance of this Cunning Plan deserves reproduction in full ...
But suddenly, something soft and sharp was thrown at the back of his head. Jiang turned around and looked down and saw that there was a pebble on the floor, he looked up and saw the ponies looking away from him like nothing happened. Jiang must've assumed that it one of the ponies in the cell threw that pebble at him, and he was infuriated. He dropped his baton and riot shield on the floor and pulled out his 9mm pistol from his holster. Then, he walked up to the cell and aimed his gun at them.
"Shéi zuò de?! (Who did that?!)" Jiang demanded while looking at all of the hypocrite ponies, but they all disregarded him "If none of you confront now I will open fi-"
Jiang wasn't able to finish his sentence when a lasso was tied onto his throat with made him grab it while gagging, and it was Applejack who grappled him with her lasso. "Now Applejack!" Said Rainbow Dash.
Applejack nodded and pulled her lasso and the invader was bashed into the cell bars which instantly knocked him out and dropping the keys.
Spike looked at the keys with a delightful smile. He then reached out for the keys and grabbed it with his right claw.
Okay.
So Jiang is a moron. Actually, all the invaders are morons.
How stupid are they?
Let me count the ways.
1. One man is guarding highly-dangerous prisoners including an Alicorn Princess and Unicorn (with absolutely no way to suppress their magic), a Pegasus with mind control powers, a super-strong Earth Pony, a Dragon, and whatever the heck Pinkie Pie really is.
2. Just to make it easy for the prisoners, Jiang turns his back on them.
3. Jiang is "infuriated" by the pebble toss, to the point that it doesn't occur to him that the obvious attempt to draw his attention is an obvious attempt to draw his attention.
4. He responds by dropping his shield and baton (his main protection and non-lethal weapon) and drawing his pistol, threatening to shoot the high-value prisoners he's been ordered to guard.
5. It didn't occur to the invaders to search their captives for weapons. No, a rope would be an obviously-dangerous thing to let them keep, both from the point of view of a suicide risk, and from the POV of exactly what AJ used her rope to do in Story.
Why didn't they just give the prisoners the key and escort to their nearest chosen destination?
"Woohoo! We are free!" Pinkie said hugging her daughter and husband.
Who were fortunately two separate individuals, else Pinkie Pie would be even stranger than she was already!
Then they proceeded onwards to escape the occupied castle, but unknown to them, there were security cameras installed everywhere.
Because even when one forgets the most fundamental rules of how to guard people, one doesn't forget to install security cameras everywhere. That way, there's an embarrassing video record to preserve for posterity just how inept one was as a guard!
In the security room, a soldier sitting on a wheelchair while reading a Newspaper about new shops and businesses in Mainland China.
Well, I just think it's nice that the Red Chinese Army is handi-capable! 
But, his reading was put to an end when one of his security monitors began alerting him by beeping.
*Beep! Beep! Beep!*'
And it's also nice to see that the Chinese robots, at least, are alert! Someone needs to be!
Then the tear gas canister flew up in the air for a moment then on the floor near them. Which made Twilight and her friends stop in their tracks, then they began to cough from the weird chemical smoke.
Twilight forgot once again that she can put up magical shields. Oh, that absent-minded Alicorn!
"What is this?" Rainbow Dash asked while coughing, her eyes were very hurt. Then, Flutterhsy collapsed on the floor from the gas.
It's a war gas, you idiots! Come on, almost the exact same thing happened to them in "Dragonshy"! Did Author never watch that episode?
But before they could come in on them, Sunburst quickly activated his horn defending his friends, wife and daughter. And the invaders stumbled backwards and fell on the floor roughly with grunt.
This is almost directly against canon abilities. Sunburst is weak at combat magic, which is mentioned in his very first appearance as an adult, in The Crystalling. His talents are in research and theoretical magic.
Starlight Glimmer, on the other hand, is a very powerful combat mage, who in The Cutie Remark is revealed to be able to fight Twilight Sparkle to a draw. Her war-beam wouldn't so much make the invaders "fall on the floor roughly with grunt" as "explode into plasma!"
"Nice work Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie said in a proud tone.
Why is Pinkie "proud" here? She didn't kick the invader, and Dashie isn't hers in any sense other than being one of her best friends.
If anyone should be "proud" other than Rainbow Dash herself, it would be Applejack. And actually this wasn't much of a feat by either of their standards.
Some guards shoot at them with "sniper rifles," which are not weapons with which some random soldiers would be armed.
Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer and Rarity all forget that they have powerful Shield spells and everyone runs away. Twilight gets shot in the chest, due to Author forgetting that ponies "running away" are presenting their rear ends, not their "chests," to the attackers. This puts her down.
After running for a few more seconds. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Flutterhsy, Cheese Sandwich, Lil Cheese, Starlight, Sunburst, Luster Dawn, Spike and Rarity have safely made it out of Canterlot which made the three snipers anxious.
And makes me anxious, because at first I thought they were in the Crystal Castle, in Ponyville. But okay, I guess it was Canterlot -- and they are now going to try to take somepony shot in the chest many miles to Ponyville to treat them there? Um ... why?
Also, one couldn't run out of Canterlot in a few seconds. Canterlot is a city.
Keeping his priorities straight, General Jin calls the three snipers in for a debrief before pursuing his escaping prisoners. After all, if they pursued them quickly, they'd have no chance of escape, and where's the fun in that?
And now I'm just imagining a bevy of Pearls saying "Good morning, my Charlie."
There's a concept for a far more engaging story: Temujin, the Greatest Brony.
Wow. I just used that one microeconomics course I took in sophmore year to topple a statewide money laundering operation. That's what I get for spending so much time reading ponyfic.
Perhaps the author thinks human Twilight Sparkle is a model of a typical high school student and worked his way up from her?
Of course not. That would imply that anything MLP-related could actually do something in this story other than get elbowed in the face.
If his wife was bad at defending herself, it stands to reason he's Even Worse.
To be fair, Starlight and Sunburst are reasonable candidates for Luster's parents.
Silly Jordan. It wouldn't have mattered; Applejack always has rope on her. She keeps it in her emergency reserve hat.
Pretty sure Author only watched the last song of the show.
My word, this is a mess. Have fun tearing into it.
Your sense is veracious? Really?
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Veraciously truthfully so.
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I bet Charlie wouldn't mind a bevy of Pearls worshiping him. Certainly, he got amorous toward Blue Pearl that time he saved the Diamond Authority from the intergalactic Palestinian terrorists!
CHINESE PHILOSOPHER: What is best in life?
GENGHIS KHAN: To befriend your enemies. To give them happy horsey rides and hear the greetings of friendship from their women!
Yeah, one hard slap and Discord goes down! Fragile draconequi!
It occurred to me in the middle of this chapter that Charlie is Australian. So does that mean all of those terribly-written lines of his need to be imagined in an Australian accent?
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Toss some more canon on the barbie!
If these guys beat Discord, it's because he was bored and wanted to see if they could enliven his day somehow.
Ad while it's not part of the story, I have to wonder just how the rest of Planet Earth is reacting to Red China not just discovering an alternate dimension inhabited by sapient nonhumans, but traveling to it and invading it. Wouldn't this at least make the papers (such few as are left), or something?