Rage Review: Resist and Bite (Chapter 17, Part A) · 6:06am Jun 3rd, 2020
Chapter 17: "Alicorn Combat"
NARRATOR (yelling):AL-i-CORN COM-BAT!!!
(Alicorn fighters appear on either side of the screen with their Health and Power bars)
Sounds like Fightin' Herds to me!
In Charlie and Luster Dawn's cell. Luster Dawn was crying uncontrollably in her and Charlie's cell room, and the reason is because her father was severely injured from his battle against the leader of the invaders. And Charlie was desperately trying his best to cheer the disconsolated unicorn up but nothing seems to be working, he even tried to offer her the Kit Kat he has in the cold area in his custom built backpack but, Luster Dawn declined his generous offer and Charlie knew what the reason was behind it.
The fact that Luster Dawn is having an emotional breakdown at seeing her father severely beaten does not strike me as stupid. The fact that Charlie thinks that he can console her with a Kit-Kat bar strikes me as insanely insulting to her character.
As AC97 has pointed out, it's absurd that the Chinese have left Charlie his "custom-built" Backpack O'Holding, complete with all its supplies (and as we see later, dangerous weapons). It is standard procedure for any police, military or security organizations, when dealing with any prisoners, to take anything and everything useful from them, especially when putting them in long-term holding cells, jails or prisons.
Why do they do this? Because otherwise they might use some of these items to harm themselves, other prisoners or the prison staff, to escape, or to trade with the other prisoners. Guards are perfectly aware that prisoners can be cunning and dangerous, and they try to deprive them of every tool with which they can exercise such traits.
Now one might argue that Equestrian guards might be more naive (though I doubt it, as the Ponies are not particularly stupid, or safe to push around. However, these are Chinese guards: they know what Human technology looks like and what it can do. The easiest thing for them to do would be to confiscate the backpack, and search it at their leisure. And they have no reason to give it back to him afterward.
"I...I d-don't even... k-know if h-he is go-going to m-make it... Because of his wounds!" Luster Dawn cried.
"He will, don't worry." Charlie assured her "He is a strong man. And also, if I am lucky enough to come across him and your mother. I will immediately provide him an aid." He told her with a smile.
When Luster Dawn heard this, she stopped crying and looked at him witha surprised expression.
"Y-you are willing to do that?" Luster Dawn asked with sparkling eyes.
"Of course, I am very adroit in medical."
(*snerk*) 
Yeah, he's absurdly "adroit in medical." As in, Doc Savage levels of "adroit in medical," only more so because Lester Dent (all those who wrote under that name) had a realistic notion of what was medically possible, whereas Author here has provided his hero with Sooper Dooper Healing Spray which is decades, perhaps centuries beyond real-world medical technology.
These healing sprays and scanners and such are among the class of objects that the Chinese would most definitely take from Charlie -- and probably send back to their HQ on Earth for analysis and reverse-engineering.
Also, Sunburst could die before Charlie could reach him, as far as they know right now.
"Besides, this is what friends are for am I right? And remember, I also kept a promise in protecting you and your friends as well.
No, Charlie. No, you didn't.
Luster Dawn and yourself are currently prisoners of sadistic, bloodthirsty, genocidal maniacs who demonstrably shoot prisoners at random, while trying to work them all literally to death. Right now, General Jin could have a brain fart and order a squad in to shoot you down in your beds. Or worse.
As for her "friends," which of them has he successfully "protected?" And how successfully?
And I will never rest until I save your land." He told her.
How noble of him. How successful has your land-saving been to date?
Pro tip, Charlie. Heroism is more than merely making grandiloquent boasts.
When Charlie noticed her tears again, he extended his right hoof and attempted to wipe it away from her eyes. But unexpectedly, Luster Dawn lunged forward and tackled Charlie on the floor and on his back. Then, she pushed her lips with his and kissed him.
Charlie was traumatized when the kiss happened,
LUSTER DAWN: (* Sob ... sob ... sob ... SMOOCH!!! *)
CHARLIE LAM: AAAHHH!!! You ... you touched your lips to mine and tried to suck out my SOUL!
LUSTER: What? No, no, that was a ki ..
CHARLIE: Oh horrors! I am so traumatized by this loathsome event!
LUSTER: No, Charlie, I was just kiss ...
CHARLIE: I've seen Life Force fourteen times! I know what you were doing! Space vampire! SPACE VAMPIRE!!!
Author, "traumatized" is an extremely poor choice of word here. I'd use "surprised" or "shocked."
So, no, what actually happens in Story is that Charlie is surprised and then returns the kiss and they make out a little.
"So, how does it feel to be kissed and having a special somepony?" She asked between breaths.
"The kiss was nice but-"
Charlie stopped in his mid sentence when he heard the words 'Special somepony'.
"Um pardon me but, what's a special somepony?" He asked with a perplexed expression.
Charlie, are you the king of Low Social Perception?
The girl liked you before this, as was apparent by the fact that she kept touching you. Now she's kissed you a lot and is displaying clear signs of sexual arousal. You don't know her culture and personal morals well enough to know how far you'd be permitted to go if you pushed it, but it's painfuly obvious to anyone not named Charlie Lam that she is courting you.
So, obviously, "special somepony" means something like "girlfriend" or "lover" or even "intended."
What yous should be trying to do is ask, delicately, just how far you're committing yourself in her culture by kissing her and making out with her. Because there have been and still are cultures where this is meaningless flirtation, and others where it's an informal engagement to be married. And before you hurt each other with false assumptions, you might want to know toward which extreme Luster Dawn and Equestria trend.
"Well, it means a partner as in pony who are in a relationship at time." She replied. And Charlie let out an "Ohh." at this, finally realizing what the two words meant.
"How come you do not know what a special somepony means?" Luster Dawn asked with a bewildered expression.
"Well, usually from my world we call a woman as a girlfriend, and a guy as a boyfriend. And my kind are not ponies." He replied with a chuckle.
"Oh wow, your kind is great at naming things."
Luster Dawn never fails to be awestruck every time Charlie succeeds in scratching his own nose. What next will this paragon of virtue and intellect accomplish?
Charlie, "special somepony" is obviously their analogue of "special someone," which is a romantic term for "boyfriend / girlfriend" in the modern West!!! If you could take your thickness and reinforce your shields with it, you would be invulnerable in combat. Do you realize that?
Quite aside from that, in most Human cultures, Luster kissing and caressing you and becoming sexually-excited by the contact would imply that she wanted some sort of romantic relationship with you. Unless she's a slut. Do you seriously think Luster's a slut? No? Then, duh!
"Well sometimes." Charlie replied with a shrug "Anyways, can you get off me? Because it is getting really hard for me to breath." He told her between breaths.
Luster Dawn then looked down and saw that she was still sitting on his chest. She immediately blushed in embarrassment and crawled off him.
"Oh! Sorry about that Charlie!" Luster Dawn said with a huge blush.
"It's alright." Charlie said with a chuckle
Oh, Charlie. Never missing an opportunity to make Luster feel ashamed of herself for displaying any affection toward you!
Author, I hope you don't treat your real girlfriend like this! Because if you do, she m
may not stay your girlfriend for long!
So they go to sleep.
The next day, Charlie and Luster are lifting large rocks, apparently to reinforce a metal wall, in defiance of normal fortification practice which would be to use the metal to reinforce a concrete, stone, brick or earthen wall. But hey, this is the Not-So-Great Wall of Canterlot.
Luster Dawn was having a difficult time in trying to carry the rock because she was feeling so fatigue, but thanks to the sweet potato that Charlie provided for her, she was able to get some of her strengths back,
How much freaking food does Charlie have in that backpack?
So there's some exciting rock-lifting action, and then Starlight Glimmer and Sunburst spot them. Which is weird considering the size of the project and the fact that slaves aren't exactly free to wander around (note the definition of "slave"), but hey, whatever.
Luster Dawn turned around and saw her mother and father. And her father was wrapped in white bandages by Charlie.
How is Sunburst working at all after this beating? As AC97 pointed out, he should be flat on his back, and if they're making him work, then he would probably have already collapsed and been murdered by his captors.
Maybe Charlie has magic nanotech bandages?
Seriously, I think what's going on here is videogame healing, where medical treatment is instantly-effective to make the game go faster. Author really needs to understand that real life doesn't work this way, though very advanced technologies or powerful magics might constitute exceptions in the appropriate fictional worlds.
Everyone sucks up to each other for a bit and then Colonel Lin drives up in a jeep.
Then, Colonel Lin Bing Wen walked past the two riot police officers and began to observe the ponies, changelings, Griffons, dragons, diamond dogs, yaks and Kirins hard work. After ten seconds, he gave them a score of D- in his mind because they were working too leisurely as if they were in a fancy hotel swimming pool.
This is a sudden and jarring POV switch, and entirely-unnecessary as it merely shows that Colonel Lin is an obnoxious idiot. It has to be a POV switch, because Lin doesn't say what he's thinking.
"Alright listen up all you creatures!" Colonel Lin exclaimed and all of the creatures ceased their work and looked at the second leader of the invaders. "The Lieutenant General was satisfied about the sparring match yesterday. And he wants to get some more of you to our sparring headquarters to spar with some of the rookies, and if any of you are lucky enough to beat some of them, you will be provided with some food and two bottles of water. Anyone want to volunteer?" He asked.
This absurdly-tiny reward re-emphasizes that the Chinese are essentially working their prisoners to death.
No one -- including Charlie -- wants to take the Chinese up on their offer. Then Charlie hears Luster Dawn's stomach rumbling, and decides to accept the challenge.
He does have some food on him but, he doesn't knows if it would be suitable for a pony like her since it was human food, and she looks like a vegetarian considering her flat teeth.
Charlie having evidently never asked her what Ponies can eat, despite the fact that they've repeatedly eaten togther. And it's interesting to see that there appears to be infinite food supplies in that damned backpack.
So Charlie goes off to fight.
Yay, there will be some actual Alicorn Combat!
AH.
Round 1.
Fight!
The fact that that Kit-Kat bar is still intact after everything Charlie's been through strikes me as insanely insulting to the concept of logical consequences. But, of course, no harm can befall an item in a character's inventory.
"Just one, though. I only brought so many."
It's deceptively simple. Instead of trying to treat individual injuries or illnesses, the spray simply bolsters the subject's hit point total.
"What is this po-nee concept you call... 'love'?"
On top of what you mentioned, there's also how he's given her food from that very backpack on at least two previous occasions in this chapter alone. And I'd expect Charlie to apply the rudimentary knowledge of Earth horses I'd expect virtually anyone to have. I'm reminded of Dan's extremely patchwork body of knowledge.
So yeah, this was more Round 0. Let's see how the combat mechanics in this game decide to work this time.
Great to see another entry in this series. Good to see that the story is maintaining the level it's always displayed.
Take care.
5274818
Heck, how exactly is the "cold unit" in Charlie's Special Custom Backpack working? I know how a refrigerator works, in general -- it's a heat pump using a working fluid for heat exchange -- but this implies that Charlie has a decent power source (one capable of working continually for days without recharging) and some heat vent (the heat's gotta go somewhere) and somehow the Chinese are letting him KEEP THIS THING!!!
The real reason, I know. VIdeogame logic.
If only real medicine were that simple!
Again, the Interwar Era pulps were generally more realistic about physical injury.
ROFLMAO!!! That was one of the best changes rung on that cliche line I've ever read!
But yeah. Charlie impresses me as being close to the borderline of clinical autism. And there are mild autists I know personally who are much better at grasping human emotions, if only because they're smart and can logically-analyze them, than is Charlie Lam.
And in any case real horses are somewhat omnivorous: they won't go far out of their way to pursue protein, but if something small and helpless that they have no reason to regard as a "person" like themselves (i.e., human, horse or other domestic animal) finds itself in front of them, they may casually eat it.
(a truth which I suspect most non-Pegsus Equestrian Ponies would find revolting).
It really cannot be overstated how stupid going in with no backup plan to negotiate with genocidal bastards was, a few chapters ago, on top of how the diplomacy attempts went.
That does sound like it could be a good parody/comedy.
You have a way with words... a wondrous way. I'd missed that.
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That would be a logical explanation, because well, I don't think that anything administered would alleviate internal injuries, which Sunburst has multiple of. (lol)
You would think that confusion would make more sense, if he weren't actually human, but this is the Charleverse.
of course, he could still be some cosmic horror, and probablyis, even though the author doesn't realize it.5275260
It's even worse considering some of the other aspects of all of this, regarding Charlie (you pointed it out in the last chapter, regarding shoveling coal, and it does come up later, multiple times even).
The lack of absolutely basic precautions on the part of the Chinese are beyond suicidal.
I have Asperger's/HFA, and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I had no knowledge of the setting whatsoever, I absolutely would not be confused in that scenario, because I would be able to glean what that means by context, because I have a good grasp on the language (well, assuming there isn't a language barrier, which could very well happen). At most, I would probably ask "that basically means the same thing as 'X' right? Unless kissing means something different in this culture?" to be sure, and even then it might be a stretch.
Also, as I'd pointed out in my review, Equestria does have "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" in their vernacular anyway, so Luster really is arbitrarily impressed, on multiple levels. I don't think being impressed would be an appropriate reaction, even if it wasn't in their vernacular.
At most, she'd go like "huh, curious, how different it is," probably.
5275260
And in any case real horses are somewhat omnivorous: they won't go far out of their way to pursue protein, but if something small and helpless that they have no reason to regard as a "person" like themselves (i.e., human, horse or other domestic animal) finds itself in front of them, they may casually eat it.
(a truth which I suspect most non-Pegasus Equestrian Ponies would find revolting).
Why would it be only non-Pegasi who would be horrified by this? Also, this makes me think about a Pony secret society along the lines of some 70's and 80's folk horror movies called the Mares of Diomedes, who ritually slaughter non-Pony sapients for dinner.
"Rainbow Dash! Sweet Celestia, how could you?!?"
"Whaaat? Yeesh, it's just one weekend a month. And it's not like I ever slipped you any of it. Well, except for that one time but let's not talk about that."
Talking about food, yeesh, Charlie, giving Luster a Kit-Kat to cheer her up and calling it 'generous'? You can at least make it a Snickers -- or would that be 'Whickers' here?
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If the question's about the "negotiations plan," I'm just left wondering what kind of person/character someone would have to be to bear witness to all of the atrocities the Chinese have committed, whether it be slaughtering their way through places via conquering, executing slaves at the drop of a hat, etc, and then think "negotiation with nothing backing us up if it fails is a good idea," especially with Luster, who had more firsthand experience with what the Chinese did, than Charlie. A character who'd even begin to think that's sensible would, charitably, be called insane, if it's not an action undertaken through plain stupidity.
If the question's about the "precautions the Chinese didn't take," for one example of several (you can also see it far earlier, with a lasso), why didn't they strip Charlie of literally everything he had immediately upon capturing him? Why the unrestrained magic?
They'd have no reason to let him keep literally anything on him, i.e., not his clothes (especially considering "not human anymore," how in concentration camps, they did take your clothes and make you wear a uniform, or how mundane prisons make you wear it ala "prison orange"), not his backpack, not his goggles, not his wrist computer, and certainly not the talisman (which has inexplicable origins, too, while we're at it). In fact, it'd be a pretty basic step for making someone feel more helpless, if they had all of their precious possessions taken away from them, clothes included (which fitting someone post metamorphosis is another story to begin with, in any case).
Is it through personal favoritism that this didn't happen?
5277413
The main reasoning (there's a lot though) behind the reviews is that by how you went about the premise of "one teenager can change the tide of warfare" (that's not an easy idea to pull off, because it's kinda implausible to begin with), you've made the Equestrians too incompetent for our liking, because if they were competent, smart, and strong, they would not need an Original Character human to deal with an absurdly small invading force, who'd realistically be collapsing under the strain of how horribly they're spread thin, before you factor in anything else. And by doing that, it builds resentment towards the story (not you personally), for characters we care about being shafted in favor of someone else, specifically when they realistically shouldn't have lost in the exact way they did under any normal circumstances.
In the planning stages of the story, your thought process, if I had to guess, went something like "Charlie, a character who's getting the ability to hack technology with his technology... instead of him being in a supporting role, as a comparatively fragile human, I know! I'll make him an expert martial artist, and then make him an alicorn, with no need to learn/practice magic, he'll just ace it as he needs to, for his leisure in fight scenes." That is, unless the idea of "make the human an alicorn" came first, or second, depending on when "martial arts" factored in.
It would've probably been a better idea if Charlie was helping them gather information via hacking, in the process of fighting back, use said info for raids, and having more appropriate characters do the heavy lifting, the fighting/counterattacks, with Charlie being a hero through gathering intel, in a support role (think something along the lines of Mission Control, whether he'd be taking a somewhat more active role in the field or not), be a cog in the machine for the heroes, complement them in planning (that does not mean "Charlie comes up with each and every idea, i.e., nobody contributes anything to the planning process except Charlie," because he shouldn't be the absolute smartest person in the room, with nobody else having good ideas), but not him, as per the story...
...having Charlie, per the story, inexplicably have more power than both Twilight and Discord, and by extension, literally every magic user in the entire show, by default, also as if the power of one canonical alicorn wasn't already enough to decimate humans to begin with.
To go on a bit of a tangent in subscript about alicorns, you also don't seem to be willing to accept the fact that a human should realistically never beat an alicorn down, without some really good justification(s) (i.e., superhuman enhancements, extremely advanced technology, like power armor to highly boost strength, and so on), in CQC, considering their rather high amounts of durability in canon, with Celestia, who has the size Twilight has in this story, getting back up after an attack that could cut through stone pillars like paper, which Jin cannot replicate, either in physical strength or durability, no matter how strong he is by human standards, assuming Twilight is even a fourth of being that durable, which you've never remotely addressed, because apparently she's a "weak/fragile princess," and can be easily beaten by a human punching and kicking her, because her magic apparently is too "weak" to fight nonmagical humans, if she's allowed to remember to use it. It's basically this video, except somehow the muggers won, when the other one is so far above them it's not even funny.
You had Charlie have the information-gathering abilities with technology, be the only main character really capable of hand-to-hand, be ungodly strong, and be the one who hoards all of the initiative.
You seem like you let the "power fantasy" aspect get to your head while writing this, at the expense of plausibility, and keeping characters in-character (you've had Thorax seriously out of character, you've had Spike out of character, you've had Rainbow Dash out of character, you've had Starlight out of character, you've had Twilight Sparkle out of character, and the list probably goes on).
And I'll repeat this, for future reference: it's not a good way to gain writing prestige in the least if you're having characters quote Wikipedia (and other things) verbatim, as has been noticed on multiple occasions, regarding previous chapters, by multiple commenters, FanOfMostEverything included.
I repeat: do not plagiarize Wikipedia and other things in the future, if you're looking to describe something. It is lazy to plagiarize anything, quote them verbatim. At least paraphrase it, if you're heavily basing it on an article.
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In the end, it's a learning experience, writing stories, having others review them, whether the stories are good or not. There's definitely bad reviewers who go too heavy on "destructive criticism," but that's another story (I hope).
If you end up learning from this, regarding what not to do (there's an ample amount of pointing it out, in these blogs and posts), that's ultimately a win. If you've, down the line, honed. improved your writing skills, you can look back at your earlier works to see just how much you've grown, from your mistakes made in earlier stories. If you ultimately end up learning from an experience, then I think it isn't time wasted/down the drain, since then it ended up having some value come out of it. Everyone has to start somewhere, and there's room for improvement, if one strives for it, if they learn how to improve.
But in any case, learning from past shortcomings is on you. I can't force you to take any criticism to heart. It's all up to you to do so, and also act as such (that is, write future stories with a more critical/experienced eye), if that happens.
While it's not the main issue, it probably didn't help that English isn't your first language (I'm guessing, so forgive me if I'm wrong).
I also think you're in your teens, in terms of age (you can correct me if I'm wrong and/or specify if you'd like), which may factor into some of this (you'd have less experience to draw off of, whether it be practice, or having seen less stories that do work, in addition to there still being a bit of brain development/maturing to get through, not to say "young people can never write good stories").
If you decide that you're gonna do a sequel, you're free to go about doing it. However, I do note that a sequel would still be building off of the foundations set by the events of a deeply flawed story, unless you start retconning left and right, at which point you're probably better off rewriting it to fix lots of flaws, not merely editing it.
Like, for a good example of a flaw, IMO, is if the Hong Kong police are gonna roll into speedbumps every step of the way of getting as far as the Chinese did, it begs to question of why they were so easily steamrolled in the first story, by an army seeking to take a good percentage of them alive, when the Equestrians wouldn't have a reason to hold back like that, in addition to how it's basically impossible for the Chinese to not have been spread thin with those numbers, even before anyone even fought back, or how jarring it is for it to take until the climax for the Chinese to apparently get the memo that riot shields aren't gonna help them against magic, as opposed to long before Charlie came into play, when the Chinese first invaded.
Don't get me wrong, that would take a lot of dedication, the idea of "rewrite it," and I'm not demanding/asking you do it. You could, despite the faults that exist in my opinion, still decide to go through with a sequel, or decide to focus on some other story ideas.
As for a strong motive for us reviewing this fic? We find it interesting to discuss stories, to analyze it, whether it be an overall good story that we could suspend our disbelief with, analyze the things we like/found intriguing, or if it's not working, analyzing why it didn't. For me, it's kinda fun to be analytical.
I just hope that ultimately, someone can end up learning from these reviews, whether it be you (which would be great), and/or someone else.
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You're human and you made some errors like every new writer does.