A Different Kind of Birthday Message · 11:01pm Jan 10th, 2019

Did you know that I have a history of being depressed on my birthday?

I doubt I’m alone in this. For me, a lot of it has to do with my age, my financial status and other aspects of my life. I tend to get a little depressed around Sunny and Primary (my two daughters)’s birthdays, too. I feel like I’m losing time, that I should have done more in the last year, that I should be present for more things.

There are things in life I would very much like to have had by now. Things like a house of my own. Well-running cars. A job that lets me work creatively. Honestly, I wanted this all years ago.

And birthdays are the day where I realize another year has passed where those things still haven’t happened.

This birthday? This is a very different kind of birthday.

I know I usually just ask to be spammed with SunLight, RariTwi, SkyPie and the like (and don’t get me wrong, I still want to be spammed with the best three ships ever!). But when I look back at the last year, I find I need to say something more.

This occurred to me as I was driving into work today while listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack for the ten billionth time. This birthday? I’m not just some random author or random person clicking over a clock.

This birthday is one I never would have had if, a few months ago, I had decided to buy that gun and take my own life.

Many of you have read “The Quiet War” posts. You’ve seen what I’ve endured. And I realized that this year, a birthday is something special. Not because of the age. Because I’m still here to have it.

This is my first birthday as a survivor.

I survived the demons in my head telling me I was worthless. I survived the uncaring machinations of a flawed mental healthcare system. I survived going through about a dozen different medications. I survived being in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I survived more therapy sessions than I can count. I survived reconnecting with my girls and starting to reconnect with Painted. I survived rebuilding friendships. I survived.

And you know what? That’s a big deal.

So is rebooting my life.

Work

On January 2, I started at work again. I had a few freaky moments with some mistakes I’d left behind that needed to be solved by me, but overall, it went well.

However, going from limited socialization with a few friends on Friday night, some therapy groups, one on one with Kathy, my therapist, to suddenly being thrust into a busy (occasionally frantic) workplace has proved enormously stressful. Most days, my heart is racing the whole eight hours as I’m suffering from a low-level panic attack.

The odd thing is that things are going great. I’m building relationships with people I once ignored (due to being so focused on my own problems before). I’m engaging in the work itself, being proactive and wrestling with problems without hesitation. I can stop and chat with people just for fun (though I think I have a few folks who still aren’t used to that). I’m running and joining lunch get-togethers that I once avoided.

These may not sound like a big deal to you, but they are to me. I feel like a wholly new person. Yes, I still have ponies all over my desk and I’m still odd and weird (as I should be!), but it’s like I came out of The Quiet War with a new extrovert coat… and it fits very well.

It is exhausting to wear. It’s heavy. I end most days utterly spent, barely able to eat dinner when I get home.

Things are great at work, but there’s a cost. And for now, it’s a cost I’m going to pay. I’m going to watch some of my therapeutic techniques, make sure I take some time and read during lunches, breaks or other downtimes, and generally make sure I don’t get caught in the lack of self-care. And, thankfully, I have amazing friends who are watching out for me, who totally recharge my batteries just by being there, listening and offering their sage advice.

Reading

A month or so ago, I finally took the plunge and started reading again. I started with Monochromatic’s classic The Enchanted Library and then moved right onto her Side Stories. I even went right up to the current end of The Enchanted Kingdom, her brilliant sequel to EL. I may have required resuscitation several times due to extreme cute overdose. Mono should start selling defibrillators. She’d make a killing.

(Get it? Ow! Stop throwing things!)

In fact, I even read her legendary Injuring Eternity. I promised Mono not to heavily promote this story, but I spent a lot of hours crying very good tears because of this story.

Then, I went to The Albinocorn with Long Road to Friendship, which actually helped me get through my first week of work. This classic take on Sunset’s redemption arc gave me the fuel I needed to get through every single day. I tended to come home and continue reading, as I’m just squeeing nonstop for just how cute his Sunset and Twilight are together. In fact, just today, I started on the sequel, Spectacular Seven.

I’m squeeing nonstop here too, to no one’s surprise.

Writing

While Each Night I Dream of Home has currently sputtered to a stop (due to overarching issues I’m having with the story and trying to write a massive adventure story the size of EL & TEK put together without an outline), frankly, the whole “lack of writing thing” was driving me totally insane!

It’s been SIX MONTHS since I’ve published even a chapter of a story! SIX MONTHS!

Okay yes, I was undergoing intensive psychiatric care after a complete breakdown that pushed me to the bring of doing something incredibly stupid and permanent…

BUT STILL!

(I’m joking folks, I’m not actually getting down on myself about this, but it irks me).

So. I tried writing a story. It didn’t turn out well. Tried another. Then another. Ideas about Bee and a soon-to-be-announced character on Bee’s personal airship. Watergun fight between Moondancer and Minuette. Moondancer and Minuette being forced to fly Twilight’s old tower like the ship from Lost in Space (60s campy version, not modern versions). But nothing clicked.

I realized, despite my desire to write something fluffy, I can’t do like “full-on only fluff.” Even My Kind of Crazy isn’t 100% fluff (Skystar’s fears being the main conflict there). For the record, for the select few authors who can pull off full-fluff? I devour those kinds of stories. I love them. They fuel my foolish pony heart.

So, I had to throw away all the awesome ideas that Novel’s Nook provided me and strike out on my own. And who should I end up with but Twilight Sparkle and Moondancer.

Currently titled The Librarian’s Torch, the story happens about 5-10 years after the current events of MLP:FiM (I really love near-future stories, for some reason). I won’t give you everything, but it does relate to the wonderfully created and heartbreakingly heartwarming PMV, “La Da Dee” by TheeLinker and Heir-of-Rick.

Ironic, since I actually wanted to write a story for this when it first came out, until I realized I could never do it justice. Don’t worry, it’s not a retelling of the PMV and you don’t have to watch the PMV to enjoy the story (hopefully), but it’ll help.

And I finished the story in 3-4 days. It’s short, only about 8K or so.

I plan to get it out to you by the end of the month at the latest. Need to get a cover done and need to do some editing (a little line editing and a little high-level editing).

But what’s next? Probably On the Brewing of Saddle Arabian Teas, the next installment in the Wavelengths Timeline. I really want to get this universe moving again. It’s driving me batty to have us stuck after the ending of A Study on Chaos Theory. I promise Teas won’t hit as hard as Chaos Theory, but it will progress the romance drama, even if it’s indirectly.

Birthday

So, this is part Takka Takka Takka, part The Quiet War, part begging for cute ponies in love.

...actually, I’m fine with that.

Because today… instead of looking at what I don’t have, I look at what I do have. I have life. And even if some parts are hard, I’m surrounded by amazing people that make it better just by being there.

Thank you for being one of them!

-Novel