Update on My Life · 2:09pm Aug 12th, 2016
Howdy, everyone. First and foremost, as always, Adorable Applejack:
Don't deny Appul her identity, Shitlord.
Anywho, I've been quiet for a long time now. Sure, I posted a bit about Horsecon 2016, but beyond that, I haven't been very... sociable recently. And I damn sure haven't been writing, aside from that one chapter of Princess Twilight Takes a Walk... which took me a good six months to finish 1,500 words. Well, there are good reasons for this. My life has been in a serious state of flux recently. A lot of moving parts have been shifting like crazy in the past few months. I'll endeavor to give you the TL:DR version. but even that is quite the tale.
As some of you may know, I've never exactly been the paragon of mental stability. Sure, I'm not sitting in the corner making sand castles with my poop or thinking the King of Sweden is using my penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish(props to the two or three of you who got that reference), but I'm still pretty screwed in the head. And most of this is the Army's fault, in at least some fashion. But in the past few months, my condition has taken quite the nosedive. I'm sure you all remember my little excursion to the Arizona desert for some much-needed treatment. Well... fat lot of good that did. All my problems were still sitting, waiting for me when I got back. How bad has it gotten? Well, I need pills to help me sleep, and I take a cocktail of three different anti-depressants every morning just so I can function without curling into a ball of nerves and sadness throughout the course of the day. Sure, this keeps me functional, but it has the pleasant side-effect of leaving me all but numb to the world. Sure, I don't feel sad anymore... because I barely feel anything anymore. Wheee.
Of course, the Army has finally taken notice of all this. All possible treatments have been exhausted, as far as they are concerned. This means Big Army has decided that I am no longer capable of doing my job, nor effectively leading and training soldiers which, as an NCO, is my ultimate purpose. Also, they have decided that I can no longer be trusted to carry a weapon safely, be it a risk to myself or others. What does this mean? As of October 20th of this year, I am being medically retired from the Army.
That's right. I will no longer be "The Army Guy."
This in and of itself is scary. I mean, I've identified myself as a soldier for my entire adult life. It's been a core tenant of my personality since I was 18. Granted, I have disliked most of that time. Indeed, 90% of my military career will fall into that ever-increasing bin of "Shit I try not to think about." But still, I've always had that. Whenever I came home, it was an event. My whole family would at least slow down what they were doing to accommodate me. I was a part of something greater than myself. I've had purpose, direction. Now? Well... I'm not, and I won't.
However, while I had the chance to fight this... I didn't. I know that I am not an effective soldier anymore. If I stayed in against the recommendation of the doctors, it would mean the downfall of my career. I would likely get negative legal action due to my performance, lose rank, and eventually get a simple chapter. For those not in the know, that basically means the Army says, "Thanks for playing," give me a swift pat on the bottom, and sends me home with naught to show for it. This way, however, I will be taken care of. I have a decently high disability rating from both the Army and the VA, so I'm not going to be on the streets and destitute. I'll be alright. Sure, it sucks that my entire life plan has hinged around me staying in for 20 years, and I only made it 13, but this is literally the best thing I could have hoped for. I honestly thought I would be given a single lump sum and sent home, but this way I'll be getting a check every month for the rest of my life.
So, what's my next move? Well, I've decided to give a go at Long-haul Truck driving. Yes, driving an 18-wheeler across the country, hauling freight.
Coming soon to a street near you...
I mean, I like long distance driving, I enjoy solitude, and I want to see the country. Sure, it'll be passing at 60 miles an hour out the window, but still. I've only ever been to five states. I want to see more. I want to be able to say that, "Yeah, I went to Boise, Idaho, and Bumfuckistan, North Dakota." Of course, nothing can ever be so simple for me. I've only just recently taken notice of that little label on the side of my plethora of pill bottles that all say "Be careful operating heavy machinery." I've sent a list of my meds to the recruiter for the company I want to work for, Prime Inc., and am currently waiting on the response. Hello, Sword of Damocles, Nice to meet you. Keep it together, Jake. Keep. It. Together!
So, what does all this mean for writing? Well... everything. Remember how I said I was numb all the time? Well, with that comes a ever-present lack of motivation to do... well, anything. I don't even play video games anymore. I sit and watch speed runs and Let's Plays. Yes, I sit and watch other people play video games. I still constantly think of my stories, act out future chapters in my head, talk out conversations, but I can never link the beginning, middle, and end. Seriously, I have the endings of both Beholder and Princess Twilight, but for the life of me I just can't link them together with what I have now. But even beyond that, I just... don't feel like writing anymore. I fear that writing was just something I did for a little while and have moved on from. A huge part of me wishes I had never published my two current stories, because I can not help but think that I've let everyone down who enjoyed what I wrote so far. I know, I know. I can already sense the flood of comments telling me that isn't the case. But in my jacked up mind, Knowledge matters little. It's like my fear of spiders. I know that little spider in the corner can't possibly hurt me, and that it even keeps bugs away from me. However, the logic of it doesn't stop the emotional response, which is to set my house of fire and leave the state. Furthermore, if I do get this trucking job, I'll be on the road for weeks at a time. That leaves very little time to write, even if I wanted to.
However, at the same time, I am hesitant to label them both as "Cancelled." I don't know why. Maybe it's me not wanting to let people down, maybe it's the possibility that hey, someday I may come back. Maybe it's a foolish thought. Iunno.
So... that's it, really. Like I said, a lot of heavy shit is going down. My terminal leave starts on September ninth, so between now and then it's all finishing paperwork, getting all my stuff packed up, and preparing to move back to Houston. I... don't really know what else to say. I'm still on the site, even if I don't blog or write. I read the occasional new fic that piques my interest, and of course, I'll be ever farting eastward for as long as the train runs. I still say that aside from one or two, I have made the best friends I'll ever have on this site, and in this fandom. I fucking love you all, and I'm sorry that you'll likely never be getting those updates you so wish for. Yet another thing in my life I have fails and try not to think about.
Til Valhalla, stay safe, stay free, and stay metal! Jake(Soon To No Longer Be) The Army Guy out!
Life is shit, sure as it can be.
I hope you can get things figured out in some fashion.
And hey, at least you'll be getting a little something from the group you helped for 13 years. Better than nothing, right?
...I am probably doing a shit job of showing that, at the very least, you have people to rant toward.
~Skeeter The Lurker
You have hundreds and thousands of people who you've touched in some way, and not just in the fandom. That accomplished, you can move on, if that's what you want and need. Know that what you did here wasn't for nothing. Right back at you- til Valhalla, stay safe, stay free, and stay metal.
Oh man. Dude you know you have all our support. If the 18-wheeler works out for you and you drive to the Detroit area for some reason, let me know, I'd love to have a drink with you.
You better hit me up if you're ever near JBLM. And you'll always be Jake to me, whether you're in the Army or not. Stay safe bro, and don't be a stranger
You'll still be "THE Army Guy" in my book eh, you sexy fucker
4145671 I believe you mean Detrot?
Always going to be The Army Guy to us, Jake.
Wow, that is a big change in your life... Being basically kicked out from your main thing in life. Still, life always changes as we go on, and you'll still have the memories. ...On a unrelated note, is that truck in the picture really the one you'll be driving?
13 years! You were able to do one job well for over a decade! You should be proud of that, and not at all ashamed that you are a different person than you were when you were 18.
So, you're being forced to leave the army. Is it discharge, or retirement? If it is the latter, all you have to do is put 'ret' in parentheses following your name. I see that in historical documentaries all the time, so you are allowed that honor, at least.
Best luck joining many of my folks in the trucking field, Jake the Army Guy (ret)!
07
There are a lot of things in life that are bad, just remember you got a ton of us here that are always waiting to help when needed. If you need some happiness, come to the Happiest place on Earth! I can get you in for free!
Hey man, if you ever want to re-enact smokey and the bandit I'll be right there.
Jake the Trucker Guy has a nice ring to it.
That story sounds very familiar to me. Minus the Army and put in oilfield trucking somewhere in there instead.
I would like to meet to if you ever pass through Fort Worth, TX.
Adorable Applejack is Best Applejack.
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^^^
Plus he'll most likely have Applejack in the co-pilot seat doing non-safe things to him.This most likely means nothing coming from a guy like me, but after reading all this my knee jerk reaction is to get a little angry at you. Something about the defeated tone of your writing just bugs me.
You are always going to be a soldier. No one puts in the time, commitment, blood and other stuff I'm sure you've done, to one day be told "Well that's that you can stop now." You may be retired earlier than you planned and your future has changed, but you're still a soldier. I may not be thinking of this right, I've never served, but to me at least, you're still "That Army Guy" because you put in your time, you served, and regardless of if you think it or not, you had an impact. The impact will be in those recruits you trained, who will carry on what you taught them. You've earned a lot, and that doesn't go away or diminish just because you are out of the army now.
The medication stuff... it is what it is. It's easy for me to say that I know. My father takes pills to sleep too, been doing it for a decade or more now. I can't understand the struggle there because I haven't gone through it, but it seems to me that you are someone who overcomes struggles. You'll get through this, I believe.
Also, when inspiration strikes, you will be compelled to write. It make take a while, but don't dismiss it as impossible. It took me, fuck knows how long, before I finally got a story written and published here (please do not go read it!) but when the inspiration hit, I got compelled and I had to write.
Consider this - inspiration is not found in a vacuum. Read, watch, listen to other forms of media, and you will eventually find inspiration even if you don't mean to. If you get that trucker job, listen to audio books. Or if you can retain interest, pick up a physical book of something you've been meaning to read. In my experience with my dad, your system gets use to the drugs, and again, you find workarounds.
I am very sorry you had to retire, and I'm sorry that things will not go the way you planned. But you'll make do. You're still in a better position than some Vets I've seen who struggle on with less. I believe you will be okay. You don't seem to me like the kind of guy who takes an ass kicking from Life and doesn't at least get back up and try to fight back.
Get outta here and go have some fun, Jake.
Best of luck with everything, man.
You take care of yourself, Jake.
Yikes. Hopefully changing up your environment and routine will help your mental state. As others have said, you have a bazillion and a half people pulling for you, writing aside. Take care of yourself, and let us know if we can help!
I wish you nothing but the best of luck brother.
Jake, 4146323 is right, at least in my experience. I've been out over 20 years, and I still consider myself a soldier first and foremost, despite whatever random civilian crap I'm currently doing to make ends meet. You'll always be The Army Guy to us.
Trucking can be a lot of fun, and you do get to see a lot of interesting parts of the country. I did it for nine months and hit 46 states in that time. Just make sure that if you end up driving teams (with a partner, 12 hours on, 12 off) that you get along well with the dude. Nothing gets you thinking about body disposal faster than being cooped up with an asshat 24x7. I really would have preferred solo, but that wasn't an option with my company. I hope your meds aren't a problem for your CDL, but I think they may keep you from getting a Hazmat endorsement from DHS.
Keep in mind that it can also be a really unhealthy lifestyle -- you have to work at eating right and getting any sort of exercise is difficult, but it can be done if you're conscientious about it.
Also, the company I worked for would usually have some downtime (often a day or two) waiting for the next load to be arranged, and even 10 years ago most truck stops had pay-by-the-day wifi (Flying J had best wifi, Pilot had best coffee) so if you have a laptop, bring it along and keep in touch with the pony folk.
Best of luck to you, and hope to see you at another con one of these days.
Uh...
So. I'm blood related to the owner/CEO/founder of Prime Inc. He's a cousin. I don't know what kind of meds you're taking or if that is the major holdup on their end, but if you need an "in" I might be able to send a letter or reference. My grandparents are close with his grandparents, grew up together, etc. If the medication you're taking doesn't disqualify you from the ability to do the job, then I might be able to give you a leg up, if you want it. It's funny, I was wearing my Prime Inc. Polo shirt today at work.
Anyway, anything I can do to help you out, Jake, you let me know.
I wish you the best of luck in future endeavors, Jake. You're still the army guy to the lot of us. I hope life on the open road treats you well.
no matter what happens, always remember what monty says:
I've been to both. Boise isn't bad, but there's better truck stops further down the road. One in Ontario, OR and another at (I think) Idaho exit 111. Bumfuckistan, ND is kinda vague. The whole state qualifies.
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I have to say, this helps. All your well wishes and kind words shows me that maybe I am too hard on myself. That I do have people who like and respect me. I can't thank you all enough.
Also, I have to agree with 4146323. This post came across a bit more... defeatist than I had intended. Allow me to state that I am hopeful for the future. I really think that getting away from the Army will help my mental status, since the Army is what causes a lot of my stress(aside from the inherent self-loathing, lack of confidence, fear of intimacy, et all.) And this new job, I hope, will allow me a fresh start. If nothing else, I can finally grow my hair out and sport a beard like I've always wanted. Yea, I shall out-beard Obs. As an update, Prime Inc got back with me, and they said my medications are fine, so long as I get a letter from my doctor saying they don't negatively effect me, which she is more than willing to provide. So the job is in the bag, so long as I can, you know, actually pass the tests and drive the damn rig. As much as I've been studying, I doubt it will be a problem.
So, yes. My future looks bright, and I am hesitantly eager to face it.
4150947 You can come down to Disney. You can get into the program and rock it!
You do what you gotta do buddy. You'll always be the same dude to us, military or not.
4150947 Yay! don't forget, we all love you, whether you are jake the army guy or jake the trucker guy, you will always have a place in our hearts. also, you lucky bastard, you get to pull the airhorn.
4150947 Go get 'em, Jake.
I'm a bit late. And I'm betting someone's already taken my line, but even after October 20th. You'll still be our Army Guy. And just like one, we expect you to keep fightin! I hope and pray for the best, Jake!
4150947
Sorry I'm late, but I too want to express my sympathies, as well as hopes that everything turns out well for you. Which from the sounds of things they well. Whatever challenges you have to face ahead, know that I and everyone else will be here to give support. We're behind you Jake, we love you you amazing bastard you.
Also, send me a message if your trucking ever brings you to southern California. I would love to shoot the shit with you sometime.