Discorded M2B Reviews I'mma Snuggle You by SugarPinkieVA · 12:45pm Aug 5th, 2016
Warning: This review is not meant to intentionally insult the author herself and or her works. My Discorded Self is just an over elaboration to how I actually feel about the story. This is just my opinion so I hope an open minded person like you fellow viewer of this blog post can understand. Enjoy.
Don't make me get the pepper spray...
Spoilers... (Well Duh)
Read Story Here
To go big, you have to start small. To succeed, you have to fail. That's the story for most authors on this site. You learn and grow with each story made. And by Celestia... it takes a lot of fails to make one success story...
So, let's check out an author that has just started out here on fimfiction; SugarPinkieVA. She's the twin sister of Harmony Pie, another author that I've reviewed before (thankfully not as this persona). So does SugarPinkieVA have a similar style to her sister? Well... yes... but that's both a good and bad thing.
Just take a look at I'mma Snuggle You.
This story got featured on the front of Fimfiction, has the most amount of likes than all her other stories and some authors that I followed praised this story for the fluffiness and cuteness of it.
So it must be a great story right? Right??? Sorry... but no. With only 1000+ words I can barely consider it a new proper one-shot.
As for how it got featured. Well... there is a number of reasons but it is mainly because her sister got her followers to check out the story. I find it amiable for Harmony Pie to help out her sister. But in all seriousness SugarPinkieVA really f**king needed to put more work into this story.
Am I right? Or am I wrong? Let's find out by taking a look at-
"I’mma snuggle you!" Pinkie Pie's Clone screamed as she hugged Discorded MixMassBasher's leg.
"PC-16k??? What are you doin- Hey!!! Let go you f**king pink b***h!"
"I’mma snuggle you!"
"Oh celestia f**k me!!!"
The synopsis already nearly summerises the whole story. A mistake often made by many authors. This makes the story predictable.
Twilight starts to viciously attack Rarity with snuggles one fine, seemingly-normal morning. Cuteness and an extremely confused Rarity marshmallow follows.
Granted there is something not mentioned in the synopsis that happens later in the story but I'll get to that later...
And the story starts with...
"I’mma snuggle you!" Twilight screeched, suddenly bursting through the doors of Carousel Boutique, purple streaks flying behind her.
*Facepalm*
....Word of advice SugarPinkieVA? Don't f**king start the story with the f**king title!!!
"Maybe you're overthinking it..."
"Shut Up! PC-16k!!!"
"Now hold still while I tazer you." Discorded MixMassBasher said as he aimed his tazer at PC-16K whom was still hugging his celestia-damn leg.
PC-16k used leap if faith.
Bzzzzzzzz
Discorded MixMassBasher shocked himself and fainted....
PC-16k gained 1017 exp...
*giggle*
Startled, Rarity looked up from her dressmaking, almost stabbing herself in the hoof with a sewing needle. "Huh? What about moi?" Rarity asked, only hearing the last part of Twilight's shriek.
The white mare's confusion quickly faded away to horror when she saw the state Twilight was in. "Goodness, darling! What ever happened to your coiffeur?!" She galloped over to Twilight, who was visibly shaking, and tried smoothing down the frizzy ends of her violet-striped mane. "There, there," Rarity cooed, brushing Twilight's hair with brilliant blue magic," I'm sure we can fix your mane, and whatever is bothering you, but I first need to know—" Rarity abruptly cut off, looking down.
I'll admit though. Nice touch with the character of Rarity. Especially with the french-like words.
Wait a minute... did I just said something nice? I think I fried my brain too much...
"Anyone want Kentucky Fried Reviewer?"
Twilight was affectionately nuzzling the other unicorn against her fuzzy neck, purring like Opal after a warm bowl of milk. "Wha-wha-?" Rarity stammered, feeling her cheeks heat up. The purple mare continued snuggling Rarity, stroking up and down with her head. Admittedly, it wasn't an altogether unpleasant feeling. "D-darling! What in Equestria are you doing?"
Twilight stopped, blinking her dark, pretty eyes. "I'm snuggling you," she replied innocently, her tiny muzzle squished in disbelief. "I told you when I came in, Rarity, remember—I’mma snuggle you!" She yelled again, eyes glazing, as she dived back into Rarity's neck.
And here comes back all my hatred again... Urgh... Twilight's character was out of place with this and that put me off from the enjoyment of reading this story. She seriously sounded like some 5 year old child...
Absolutely ridiculous! Twilight was Twilight just as much as Pinkie was Pinkie—a smart, beautiful, sophisticated, beautiful, completely logical mare. What would cause Twilight to change, and randomly start cuddling her?
I was honestly hoping for a proper explanation by SugarPinkieVA.
Rarity cleared her throat, hoping to catch Twilight's attention. Maybe she'd be willing to speak with her while they were snuggling? "Twilight, may I ask what brought on this behavior?"
The purring from Twicat puttered out, and she seemed to be considering Rarity's question. "Well, I think," she began, "I think it started with a potion."
"A potion?"
"Yes, a potion. And I drank it."
"I figured as much, darling."
Twilight frowned, but her eyes stayed happy. "Yes, well, I did. And that's it."
"That's it, darling?" Rarity raised an eyebrow, blowing strands of Twilight’s mane out of her eyes. Without realizing it, Rarity's hooves were absently wrapped tightly around Twilight's barrel, hugging.
"Yeah," Twilight nodded. "I was trying to make a love/honesty potion, but I messed it up, and then Spike accidentally added it to my morning coffee. Pshh. Spike really needs to start paying more attention! I swear, he's so ungrateful for the cat food I feed him! And it's even wet!"
Rarity decided to ignore that last comment about Spike's diet, but somewhere in the back of her head, she decided to sneak him marshmallows at night from then forward."Wait, why a love potion, Twilight? Who were you trying to woo?" Her face lit up. "Oh, was it Ma-"
"You." Twilight grinned, fluttering her lashes.
"Wh-what?!" Rarity coughed, sputtering. She stared at Twilight in shock for a moment.
"Mmh," said Twilight, hiccuping in excitement. "I love you."
I was not, however, expecting that sh*tty explanation.
So let me get this straight... Twilight tried to make Love Poison??????
What the hell Twilight... What the actual hell...
Furthermore, why is there a Rarlight ship here all of the sudden? The cuteness was already weird to for me to process and now there's romance????
"Do you really mean that, darling? You actually love me? Not just the potion?"
"Oh, Rarity," Twilight snorted, nuzzling her marefriend again. "There was no potion."
...
Seriously story? That's how the story ends??? Make up your celestia-damn f**king mind...
"What's with all the hate Mixy... Just let it go."
Sigh...
Look PC-16k... The sad thing is. I would actually had liked the idea of this story if onl-
"Did you just lick me, PC-16k?!"
PC-16k stuck her tongue, grinning wildly. "Nope!"
"That's it... Get off of me you Pinkie Pie Reject!!!" with that Discorded MixMassBasher started shaking his leg frantically. This progress repaeted about four to five times to no avail and left this idiotic reviewer exhausted.
"You are a stubborn piece of sh*t... I give you that..."
"Why thank you Mixy!!! :-)."
Discorded MixMassBasher looked at his audience.
"What are you looking at! Do you find this amusing don't you??? Well do you? Do You??? DO YOU!?!?!"
Good. As that was the point I was trying to make....
Here's the thing I used the same concept as I'mma Snuggle You but I added a little comedic spin to it. And that perhaps was what the story was missing...
Well I can understand that SugarPinkieVA likes to write cute fluff stories but those type of stories can only go so far unless you try diversifying your themes.
Let me explain...
Say... if I actually did like this story? Hypothetically... I'll probably like Timmy Turner from the episode "So Totally Spaced Out"
"Aw... Cute" One minute. "Whatever...." in the next minute...
How to improve on that? Well take a look at one of the final scenes of Kung Fu Panda 3.
Particularly Tigress and the child panda. It was cute to see the panda kid hugging Tigress but it was also quite funny to see Tigress reactions to it. By using two different themes for the same idea at once it made the scene more memorable in two ways.
This story could have used other elements. Some comedy, proper dialogue and a full gun-ho with the cute (while still understandably within reason of reality). These other themes add more colour and variety to the story that could have made it an actual decent one-shot. But when SugarPinkieVA played with one strength of writing cute fluff stories, it weakened the other possibles aspects that could have been added to the story and that made the story fell apart altogether for me....
Even then... the use of cute and fluffy in this story was very unrealistic to me and that weakened it further...
Sleepy Belle Is Sleepy another story by SugarPinkieVA. While I may have not enjoyed that story as much either at least I could actually picture that that story could actually be somewhat grounded in a some sense of reality. The concept idea made sense on possibly happening!!!
But wait... you may ask... this is a fictional story right? Why does it need to be realistic?
Valid point. However, there must at least be some sort of middle point for but reality and fiction in stories to suck readers into the story. If not, readers may tend to question "How could that possibly happen?" when reading
And then there's the sudden out of the blue romance.... I'm not hating on this ship but the fact that it's just a sudden "poof" sudden ship inserted into the story, it felt forced.
The word length, as mentioned before. This story had only just above 1000 words. It was too short but not in a good way... this story felt very rushed... The story needed more work on it
Overall, I wouldn't recommend this fic unless you are very open-minded to very simple and weird cute fluff. I mean... Why the hell would I want to still follow this diet-version of Harmony Pie....
Well... because I know people can improve upon themselves...
Look I know I seem like I'm painting myself as a bad guy to you SugarPinkieVA. But frankly that's certainly the last thing on my mind. I don't like the idea me attempting to harass a 13 year old. That just not the right thing. I came here to state my point.
A job of a reviewer ain't easy. You don't like a story that a majority likes. Instant hate on you... I'm not hating on SugarPinkieVA. I'm helping her. Proper criticism is always meant to help anyone improve and just getting showered with only praise wont get you anywhere unless you improve your craft.
Another thing I have to address. I may have made positive reviews on two of Harmony Pie stories but Harmony Pie makes the same mistakes too. Just take a look at There's a Pinkie Eating Your Cookies. You could excuse that as Pinkie Pie Randomness but honestly I never bought that reason.
My best advice is if you want to write cute fluff stories well go ahead. But have the story itself at least be grounded in the realm of possibility and don't make it 100% cute themed. Put other aspects to it. Try to go beyond the 1000 word mark (try to go beyond 2000 maybe as a start?). Use the environment and inner thoughts to convey emotion (This you seem to be doing well in though push harder). Make sure the story flows properly. Introduction, Rising Action, Climax and Conclusion. Each scene needs to connect with one another. Also, if you're going with one main idea/concept for a whole story, try to go all gun-ho with the idea so long as it is not too out of there. And most important of all. Have fun writing. A writer may fall and stumble but you can just get back up and be stronger than ever.
And quite honestly...
You did good kid with that story. And that story certainly deserves more likes. I'd recommend readers read that story instead.
Here's to seeing more works from you SugarPinkieVA!!!
This is MixMassBasher (get off me PC-16k...) signing out.
"I'm sorry." Twilight didn't seem sorry.
Damn right she isn't.
I still think it was a good read. Helpful criticism is always good even for aspiring Authors or new ones. It just takes some tough endurance to hear a critic out, and some self assurance that their opinion doesn't sway others (which sometimes it does.) Also, I confess, I read this blog because I saw my comment in there and thought: "Wait...
"
4160609 Well I hope you didn't find my views too harsh as I decided to tone that down with more comedy but also restated my points. Did I succeed? Well I do not know...
BTW I referenced your another of your Nyx stories in a recent update on my story as well as a reference to Nyx and Sunset in a few chapters before.
4160692 Ah! You must send links.
And I am unsure of if you did well or not. I'm a critic, but not a smart one, and I wouldn't know how to give you pointers. Sorry.
4160710
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/268923/20/letters-from-across-the-disgruntled-multiverse/past-sins-chapter-18
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/268923/26/letters-from-across-the-disgruntled-multiverse/past-sins-chapter-20