Some Present Perfect Reviews · 11:32pm Jan 23rd, 2016
Present Perfect asked for reviews of some of his stories that nobody’s done yet, and I’m happy to provide. Find reviews of “Fluttershy Goes to Narnia,” “Cutie Mark Cancer,” “…And It Was Going So Well, Too…” and “Persephone” below the break.
“Fluttershy Goes to Narnia”: Random crackfic comedy
This is a highly irreverent crossover driven by almost nonstop jokes that usually work and a narrator that hits the cadence and feel of someone relating a funny story they were involved in or watched happen. The narrator’s vulgarity helped transition from what began keeping fairly close to show depiction of Fluttershy and her home to the massively cracked version of Aslan and Narnia (and a bit with Fluttershy, right at the end), and the digressions and commentary left it feeling like the narrator was enjoying telling as much as the reader is (hopefully) enjoying reading the story.
Where characters were concerned, Aslan was better than the Ice Queen, who was mostly limited to trying not to give in to Fluttershy's cuteness. Aslan’s extreme inversion made a good foil for the mostly played-straight Fluttershy. The one point that really fell flat for me was this and a bit of follow-up on it later on:
She wasn't afraid of lions because she's the goddamn Fluttershy, but that doesn't mean she's good at talking to 'em on account she's shy and shit.
Simply, it struck me as a case where there was a change in her character (she’s mostly fine with non-ponies, especially when they aren't aggressive towards her at the start—think dealing with Spike or the manticore—and her introduction to Aslan wasn’t like, say, with Gilda) that didn’t have any comedic potential, and reduced her straight man potential a little bit for me.
This is something probably better for people at least moderately familiar with The Chronicles of Narnia, and obviously only those looking for a full-on crackfic. But given that, this is a solid comedy that doesn’t overstay its welcome.
“Cutie Mark Cancer”: Potential finale for season four
As far as random comedies go, this one is fairly grounded, and the first scene plus a bit feels like slightly played-up show tone, and the problem faced is something like a cross between “The Cutie Pox” and “Magical Mystery Cure,” but with each character keeping their own supercharged, obsession-inducing mark. For most of the story, the humor derives from the situation and characters rather than jokes per se, and though consequently understated compared to “Narnia,” it was good for some smiles. Towards the end, though, it shifted to more direct jokes (including references to “The Cough,” Breaking Bad, and the Affordable Care Act), and these just fell flat for me, feeling disconnected from the rest of the story.
The effects faced by everyone's exaggerated marks were good, except for Twilight’s early on: where the others were exhibiting outward behavioral symptoms, Twilight was just hearing whispers of “magic,” which struck me as too generic, and pattern breaking besides. In the following scene, this is corrected as she compulsively casts spells, but it came late. If the original whispers had had more content, perhaps suggesting irresponsible things she could do with magic or dangerous spell combinations, I probably would have found it more in line with what I was seeing from the rest.
Structurally, “Cutie Mark Cancer” suffers from disjointedness. The random tag isn’t really appropriate for most of the story: rather, the bulk is a lower key humor that logically holds together based on a plausible premise which leads to playing up some aspects of the mane six. It’s only in the home stretch (in fact, basically after the story is already over) that that breaks down and I’d really call it random, and the switch is one that didn’t especially work for me. It would have been a better ending for a different story, and this story would have been better with a different ending. But for someone who can look past the sharp style switch at the end, it’s a reasonably solid show-tone but silly comedy with a bit of heart.
“...And It Was Going So Well, Too...”: EQG Rainbow Rocks comedy
This one shares a lot in common with “Cutie Mark Cancer,” which isn’t so surprising given they’re both riffing on show events not yet seen at the time. That includes the basic structure: things start out mostly grounded and show tone and develop in a way that feels natural given the conflict—then an involuntary Flanderization via out of control cutie mark magic, now the Dazzles (sic) messing with the school, turning most of the students into zombies, to be stopped (somehow) with a battle of the bands—before a break into the weird. In this case, though, I thought it ended up feeling more coherent. In part that’s because there was more along those lines early on (such as a couple running gags involving Fluttershy’s and Pinkie’s hair) and the turn to the random was less pronounced. But more so, I think, it was because the shift was tied to the story itself—as a deus ex machina, sure, but given that everything was intentionally built to bring it to the point of requiring one at the battle, that’s no problem—and consequently didn’t arrive after the story was already over and just waiting for the signal for the curtains to close.
Along the way, there was a lot to like. The (already) canon characters felt right, and their Dazzles-induced failure modes were natural extensions of them. The dynamic between Sunset and the rest was actually, from what I remember of the second and third EQG movies, a pretty good prediction. There were some pretty funny jokes, including one involving two rapid scene breaks and one with Trixie at the battle that both landed especially well.
By the end of the story, it’d even sold me on why Sunset wanted to be back with Flash. The problem is this was spread through several points in the story, and the weakest portion is at the beginning when her trying to get back together with him is established as a key part of where the story is going. Consequently, there was a stretch where it felt like potential Sunset/Twilight and Sunset/Macintosh ships were better supported (the former based on awestruck worship, the latter on lust and perhaps some appreciation for domesticity) than the Sunset/Flash that would be a running thread.
Before ending, I'd like to remark a bit on the opening paragraph of the story.
Something was rotten in Canterlot High. Sunset Shimmer had stolen enough magical artifacts and taken on demon forms enough times to know ensorcelled high school students when she saw them. Sure, they didn't exactly have green glowing eyes, but quite a few members of the student body were somewhat more prone to bumping into walls, gazing vacantly into the distance, and mumbling phrases over and over under their breath in an emotionless monotone than usual.
It’s a great start. Right away, in the first two sentences, we’re given a clear who, what, and where, a rough when, and a strong signal that this is going to be a comedy, quite possibly on the wry side of things. On the surface, the events are treated as very serious, but it’s implicitly drawing attention to the absurdity of the situation as well, by the comparison to Hamlet. Unfortunately the writing ends up hurting the follow-up a bit. Too many prominent hedges (quite a few, somewhat, more prone . . . than usual) weaken the sentence, also leaving it somewhat wordier than it needs to be. That said, it’s a good expansion on what had come before, adding more detail and concreteness, just like the second had done for the first. The increasing sentence length and complexity follow naturally from what the paragraph is doing and their roles within it. Pretty solid style there, especially the first two sentences.
“…And It Was Going So Well, Too…” married an MLP-serious storyline and quality characterization with an absurd turn at the climax in a way that built on the challenges and doubts Sunset had been facing throughout the story. The end is over the top and involves at least a bit of character destruction (even without, but especially with the benefit of knowing the events of Rainbow Rocks), but still fits bearing in mind it’s a comedy. This was both fun and substantial, and I’d recommend it to anyone looking for an EQG comedy who can look past the AU aspects, and has even minimal tolerance for “random” and shipping.
“Persephone”: Slice of life shipping with Harshwhinny and Prim Hemline
The tone here was very strong, and decompressed considerably over the course of the story, to the extent that (having not paid attention to the tags or cover art, and the ambiguity of “her” in a context with two mares) at first I had thought the initial meeting on Harshwhinny’s return home might turn out to be antagonistic rather than compassionate. Relatedly, there was just a wealth of detail in drawing the contrasts between Harshwhinny and Prim, from the difference in their greeting on, and yet they fit together like hand in glove. Likewise, the story built a sense of rightness in Harshwhinny's return home, drawing attention to those little details that let you differentiate between your own home and one of the same construction and similar decoration. That focus allowed for some worldbuilding on earth pony magic which, while not strictly necessary, added depth to the sense of home-ness, and by implicit extension, the companionate love the two shared. “Persephone” exuded a sense of comfortableness that I don't think I’ve seen in a story for a while.
One point that particularly struck me came in the following, because of how neatly the first sentence of the second paragraph expands on the implication of the opening clause of the first:
She exercised in the shirt that had comprised a tenth of her laundry for the past nine months; yoga pants were as unnecessary as watching the video. Every movement to the inch, every breath to the second, they felt and lived in synchrony. The tiredness leached from her body, replaced by the feeling of a calm, warm sea.
It wasn't even the routine of doing a particular thing at a particular time that calmed her. Simply being near Prim was enough.
Even away from home, Harshwhinny had a degree of routine, yet the difference between her reaction to this routine, there with Prim at home, and life on the road couldn't be clearer. And it also highlights that there are routines of choice and of necessity, which are far from the same thing.
Clearly this isn’t for reading while looking for much in terms of plot or action: this is light as a feather slice of life. But it works with its two characters and their simple evening together to develop a sense of comfort and relief through its short span. And that has its own appeal.
Thank you! :D
Which is funny, since I essentially have never read them. :V
I MORE OR LESS WROTE THE STORY AROUND THIS JOKE :D
I'm glad you liked stuff. :3
3708352 Well, it's more fun seeing a character destroyed when you know who they are, isn't it? ;D
Your list was long enough for me to pick out a few that, based on your descriptions, I'd be most likely to enjoy. So you did a good job with that.