NEEDED: a critical eye for reviewing Episodes 1 and 2 · 5:09pm Jul 31st, 2012
So I've decided to postpone any further writing on Ponyville Pawn Stars until I get the story ready for EQD submit #2. I've done some major revisions on the first and second episodes, and I'm hoping that I can enlist the help of someone with a critical reviewing eye to look them over for me. Other than spelling and grammar issues, I'm looking for feedback on two specific changes to my story: Rarity's pawning of the EoG necklace and Pinkie Pie's motive for selling the Cakes' things.
Another reviewer looked these parts over and commented that I played both scenarios "too straight." That meaning, in Rarity's case it wasn't believable that she could bring in an item of supreme magical power and the pawnbroker would treat it like any old transaction. I rewrote the scene so that Cash communicated the sheer ludicrous nature of the loan he was eventually willing to give Rarity. Then in Pinkie Pie's story, the idea that she sold everything for cupcake money was too predictable because, of course, Pinkie loves cupcakes. In retrospect I agree there wasn't really any originality in that. So I rewrote the scene. In the new scene Pinkie tells Cash how she broke a collectable Maretese Falcon belonging to the Cakes during a solo game of musical badminton. I hope I didn't turn the silly knob too high on that one.
So if anyone were gracious enough to help me out with that, give me a shout in a comment or private message. It's work, I know, but the sooner I get the story where I want it to be the sooner we could see it on EQD. Thanks!
