LiAB 14: Take's "Things Better Left Unseen" · 4:05am Jul 17th, 2015
So here we all are. This is it, I think. This is the reason I started this review series. I'm pretty sure it is, anyways. Given the gravitas of the situation, I shall do my best to improve on past mistakes: I hereby solemnly swear to read the entire story to completion before I start jotting down snarky comments. I also hereby swear not to dwell too heavily on technical issues, as that gets pretty boring pretty quickly.
Author: Take
Featured Story: "Things Better Left Unseen"
Least viewed story at that time: "Things Better Left Unseen" (Top ranked, 16 July, 2015)
Completion: Fully read
Tags Listed: Comedy
Three Word Summary: Shipping Cliche Parody
Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Behold the evidence:
1) First story published by the author.
2) ONLY story published by the author.
3) Pinned at #1 for over a week now. Has it been a week? It feels like it.
The author's Most viewed story is also their Least viewed story? That's never happened before! Except for my review of Shadow Kileak's "The Rainbow Confession", which was that exact thing.
When people win the lottery... the really big ones, worth several hundreds of millions... the first thing they say is "Money won't change me." They then proceed to destroy themselves... destroy themselves, Randy. Destroy themselves. They buy mansions, sports cars, yatchs, whatever. They quit their jobs and take obscenely expensive vacations. They lose all their money gambling at insanely fancy casinos. Then the heating bill for their mansion comes in, and it's more than they used to make in a year. And more often than not, they end up jumping off the high-dive of their olympic swimming pool... while there isn't any water in it.
Are you afraid, Take? Afraid of what your story has become? Afraid you'll never again live up to your five minutes of unearned, coincidental fame?
Go in fear, Take. Go in fear.
Technical Issues
Plenty to complain about here, but I won't dwell on it too much. This story clearly has the flavor of a first-and-a-half draft, from an inexperienced author. The latter, of course, is nothing to be ashamed of: we all had to start somewhere. The author enlisted the help of a prereader to scan for errors, and although they claerly missed afew thigs, it's proof-positive that they tried. Genuine effort was made.
Rainbow crossed her arms and pouted.
But maybe get two prereaders next time.
"Ooh ooh! Wanna guess what it is?" Pinkie Pie bounced.
"We're here," Spike declared as they reached the double doors of the lab.
"Cupcakes! I guess cupcakes!" Pinkie Pie quickly exclaimed.
"Whatever it is, it’s probably lame," Rainbow Dash grumbled.
"What’s got Rainbow's apples in a bunch?" Applejack whispered to Rarity.
You do know the word "said" exists, right?
Hm... this is a comedy, after all, so perhaps this was done on purpose.
"Friends! I'm so happy that you could make it on such short notice!" She cried out gleefully.
This sheds some light on the subject: Here, the pronoun "She" is capitalized. This makes it seem like the start of a new sentence:
"Friends! I'm so happy that you could make it on such short notice!"
She cried out gleefully.
Implying that Twilight spoke. And then she cried out.
Or it's meant to imply that Twilight has achieved godhood. Which she has... sort of. But since her pronouns aren't capitalized anywhere else, I'm assuming this was a one-time capitalization mistake.
You see, sometimes this story makes it harder to tell what's going on with the saidisms:
"Twilight made a thingy that lets you see alternate worlds like the one she and I went to," Spike interrupted as he made his way to the corner with a blanket in claw.
Spike's name is capitalized, as it should be, so I can't tell if this is supposed to be the start of a new sentence. Also, Spike's attribution is tacked on at the very end of the sentence, which makes it a little harder to figure out who's speaking. That happens a lot too.
Why am I harping on this? Because there's SO MANY SAIDISMS in this story! I did a search of the word "said" and only came back with only 12 hits. 10 if you exclude the reader comments below. As I mentioned, maybe this is for comedic effect... but if I can't tell the difference between genuinely bad and parody bad, does it really matter? It's still kind of annoying. If anything, it could have been exaggerated even more:
"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight Sparkle exposited, "Do you have any idea where that pinecone's been?!"
"Shrug!" shrugged Pinkie Pie, with a shrug.
And while you're at it, add a "straight mare": a character who NEVER uses saidisms, and speaks very plainly:
"Oh, wow!" Rainbow Dash exposited wistfully, "I can't wait to get some use out of this garden hose!"
"And now I'm saying something," Maude Pie said.
"Maude?" Rainbow Dash ejaculated, "How'd you get in here?"
"I never left. I've been standing in your bathroom for three months."
"Really?" Rainbow Dash glanced at the shower stall. "The, ah... the whole time?"
Maude Pie blinked. Very... very... slowly.
Fozzie Bear has his Kermit the Frog, and Costello has his Abbot. Humor is all about contrast, and a reversal of expectations: you're expecting one thing, but you end up with your mother. Having one character speak plainly calls attention to all the prose-related shennanygans going on elsewhere.
Another. I said another. I mean, I meant to...
Crap. What'd I say?
Characters
Clearly, some suspension of disbelief is warranted. If you discovered that one of your friends had invented a way to pierce the veil of time and space and spy on alternate versions of yourself--possibly while in the bathroom--you think you'd react a little more strongly than this.
But this is comedy! But comedy also requires a reversal of expectations! And it requires you to draw attention to those reversals! In this story, I never noticed a character freak out... and I mean really, truly panic... about the idea of being spied on in another dimension. I would have thought that Fluttershy, of all ponies, would be most vulnerable to having her private life exposed before all her best friends.
Essentially, it would have been funnier if only one character was freaking out. Or, alternately, if one character is unusually calm and accepting, while all the others are freaking out.
A suggestion, from my own pen:
Twilight Sparkle continued to write on the chalkboard. "So as you can see, this machine has the ability to tunnel through time and space and show us alternate versions of ourselves... just think of what we could learn about ourselves!"
"R-r-really?" Flutteshy stammered. "Does it work anywhere?"
"Yup!" Twilight Sparkle smiled. "It can see anypony, anywhere... at any time."
Fluttershy's eyes darted side to side. "Even the pantry at Sugarcube Corner? Yesterday? At six-twentyfour in the afternoon? Just... hypothetically?"
"Absolutely anywhere," Twilight confirmed. "Even the bathroom! Just think of the scientific applications! Why don't we test it out on..."
She turned back to her friends, all lined up in a row, looking bland and bored. Except for Fluttershy, who was trembling violently. Her eyes were wide and wild, and her teeth clattered loud enough to drown out the whirring of the machine. Twilight slowly waved her hoof, pointing at each of her friends in turn.
"...You!"
Fluttershy fell to the floor, all four legs rigid, like a coffee table.
Dash paused halfway through picking her nose. "Me?" she quizzicallized.
"Well, yeah. Why not?" Twilight set a four-gallon drum in front of her. "Try to fill it at least halfway. And make sure the lid is sealed tight."
Rainbow Dash began dragging the drum towards the bathroom, grumbling all the while. Twilight turned back to her machine, turned the monitor on, and began flipping switches. "There we go. As soon as she's--"
Her remaining fiends all let out cries of alarm and disgust and averted their eyes.
"What's...?" Twilight looked up at the monitor of the machine. "Oops! Getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?"
She reached for the main control dial and turned it away from a setting labeled 'bathroom.'
"Wait," Rarity conflugalzied, "I thought you said the machine needed a hair sample."
"Yes. And?"
"Well... then why..." Rarity pointed back at the bathroom, where Rainbow Dash had gone.
Twilight stared at her, blank-faced.
Rarity stroked aside a lock of her hair. "Nevermind."
Theme and Voice
Strictly speaking, the story is a simple read. It's the author's first and only story, so I have nothing else to compare it to... but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume most or all of the saidisms are intentional attempts at humor. I don't nessecarily like it, but I can certainly understand it. I can't really get too angry at the way this fic was written: the narrative voice feels pretty plain to me... but it's the author's first work. The tone is very jokey... but it's a comedy.
As long as the author learned something from it, well, mission accomplished.
About the Yuks
I'm gonna be brutally honest here. There were only three jokes in this fic that I actually laughed at.
LAUGH #1:
They nodded and Twilight turned on the machine.
"Twilight! I love you!" Rainbow Dash cried out on the screen, tears overflowing from her magenta eyes.
Twilight turned off the machine.
That last line... the bland, straightforward, featureless way in which she turns off the machine... no purple prose, no excessive descriptions, no facial expressions or body language. The language is so blunt, we're left to imagine the reaction. And in my imagination, it was hilarious! Twilight was standing there, staring at her friends with a big, goofy, plastic, artificial smile frozen on her face... and in the depths of her mind, she's screaming to herself "What have I done? What have I done?!"
I can appreciate a deadpan delivery. The paragraph immediately after this line actually kind of spoils it for me just a teensy bit by explaining the reactions, but it's not the end of the world.
LAUGH #2:
"You made my barn door swing your way," Applejack stepped up to Rainbow's ear and whispered just loud enough for all of them to hear.
This line comes from an "alternate" Applejack. It's just such a terrible attempt at romantic dialogue... so very, very terrible... that I think I love it.
BLAUGH #3:
Celestia took a calming sip of her tea before continuing. She looked composed but her magic hold on the teacup was causing it to shake.
“I would like to ask for your permission to date your daughter,” Celestia said.
CRUNCH.
Everything imploded in on itself in a flash of violent purple light. The monitor, speakers, mirror portal, and even Twilight’s trusty chalkboard was not spared as all the equipment was compressed together at astronomical speeds and then lit on fire within the barrier that Twilight had erected.
I'm a little ashamed of myself for laughing at this. Not even sure why! Part of me feels like this was the easy way out: In retrospect, the punchline feels easy and obvious.
But I did laugh, and I liked it. I like the idea that even the machine itself said "NOPE". I don't have any strong opinions regarding Twilestia fics. I neither hate nor love them. Maybe my reaction stems from the knowledge that other people hate it or love it so strongly. Why was this the final straw? Because it's so very very wrong, or because it's simply so controversial and polarizing in the fandom? Has Twilight invented a Flamewar Implosion bomb?
God have mercy on us... every one of us.
Plot and Story
It's a one-shot with a very simple and straightforward premise, so I was originally going to give this part a pass. But then I managed to put words to my main complaint about this story. There's this one part where they see Rainbow Dash putting the moves on a most unusual character:
"I know I only really met you yesterday but... Pinkie gave me her blessing and I never felt like this with anyone else before. I.. think I'm in love with you." Rainbow placed her hoof on the kitchen sink basin and stroked its shiny chrome plated surface. "I want you to marry me, Sink."
This, of course, is a reference to "...But the Kitchen Sink" by author Dubs Rewatcher. And before we go any further, that story is not a troll fic. It is satire. There is a difference.
Why was a reference to that story included in this story? It's not a joke. It's not a shout-out. It's neither a parody nor a satire. It's not a clever twist on an existing theme or premise.
It's just a reference. That's all. You know why it's funny? Because it's there. It exists. That's all it has to do.
We could still gain some laughter from Rainbow Dash's reaction to it, since that's a new element. Except that her reaction is incredibly depressing. It marks the turning point in the story, where everypony is at their lowest point... they've lost hope. I'm fine with that: it's how you set up a climax, and the destruction of the machine is a fine climax.
My problem here is that it's not an original joke, and it's not a successful parody. Because, and here's the critical part, "...But the Kitchen Sink" is already a joke fic. It was written to prod the fandom's unusual tendency to ship Rainbow Dash with whatever happens to be lying around. You're not making a clever reference, Taken. You're stealing Dubs Rewatcher's bit.
And just to be extra clear, I'm not going all 'social justice warrior' here. I'm not accusing anyone of plagiarism. I'm just saying it's not handled in an especially original or funny way. There are some funny moments in this fic, but this isn't one of them.
Let's take this a step further, and look at the final "joke" in the story, a total non sequitur:
Far away in a distant and now unreachable land, Sunset Shimmer was writing her newest letter about the importance of friendship when her journal suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames, caught onto her clothes and hair, and gave her third degree burns.
This isn't funny. It's mean spirited and random. It's just a reference to Rainbow Rocks. So if you hated Rainbow Rocks, I guess you might snicker at this. Kind of a bitter laugh, though.
Please note that, if you have third degree burns, your skin and nerve tissue is completely destroyed and you'll be unable to feel anything ever again. But at least you still have muscles and bones: that's fourth degree. You ought to count your goddamned blessings, you ungrateful little bastard!!
Before you jump on me, I'd like to make a note of Lightning in a Bottle #6, which includes a bonus review of Anarchive Reigns, by Aragon. At one point in that story, Fluttershy is beaned in the back of the head with a baseball bat and locked in a dark closet. I am on record as saying that was freakin' hilarious. It's all about context. Any real joke, violent or otherwise, requires two things: a setup and a payoff. And sunset Shimmer's immolation has neither. It's just... kind of... there. It just happens.
He Who Fights Cliches
How did this fic reach the top of the featured box? Well, as Freidrich Neighzshe once said,
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the bathroom. The bathroom gazes also into you.”
Not only is this a story about Rainbow Dash and her many romantic interests (parody or otherwise), it also contains numerous references to other more famous stories. In fact, I'd be willing to say it's at least 80% reference, 15% reaction to said reference, and 5% establishing shot. Whether the author realizes it or not, they are riding on the coattails of giants. They flew too high on wings of meta!
In theory, the comedy should come not from the references themselves, but from the character's reactions to these references. It's not a new idea at all, having the characters in the show be horrified by the fandom's behavior. In practice, however, the reactions in this story skew towards bland and straightforward. I laughed a few times, but I was never really surprised by any of the character's actions or behavior. It was fairly formulaic and predictable. As I was reading, I often thought to myself "well, that happened."
Which is what the masses crave. More of the same. Bland, mushy, whatever. All fluff, no crunch.
Final Verdict
This is a perfect example of how the featured box has failed readers. You can't even call it failure, because the box was never intended to promote good stories. Just famous ones. To make them more famous? I guess?
I feel cheated that the story relied on references to other stories and tropes, without adding too much in the way of original humor. But I'm not angry. After all, I did laugh. There was a lot of fluff, but there was still a bit of crunch in there. For a story of this length, especially considering that this is the author's first work, It's not The Worst Thing Evar. If it was able to extract a giggle from even my granite heart, that's a genuine accomplishment.
Skimming the reader's comments, unfortunately, has filled me with dread. People are using words like "amazing," "hilarious," and "awesome" to describe this story. I really don't see any of that being justified. It's not the most brilliant thing ever, and I really don't think the attention is warranted... and believe me, this is a stupid-crazy amount of attention this story is getting. People clicked on this because of the premise: It's a Rainbow Dash ship-fic, and the primitive, reptilian part of their brain compelled them to click like and fav. I mean, Jesus Christ... did anybody expect the Twilight "saga" to take off? Or Fifty Shades of Gray? Those books are intolerably bad, and they're freakin' everywhere.
Skimming the author's blog was much more enlightening and encouraging. It turns out that this story was an experiment and an exercise. It's obviously gone completely out of control, growing wild and unchecked, beyond anyone's expectations. The author intends to write more stories, exploring each of the remaining genre tags... sad, dark, slice-o-life, adventure, and so on. And I really can't wait to see those stories. I've said many times that the only way to become a better writer is to keep on writing, and to improve yourself by trying different things. I think this author already knows that.
I worry that all this fame and attention will end up going to waste. Since the author has no other stories up, there's nothing else to promote. Unless the author can get another story up in a hurry, readers probably won't stick around for long to see what happens.
I also want to find out what happens when this author tries a more serious story... "serious" in terms of the amount of skill and craft that goes into it. Something really original, from their own heart. Something designed to challenge my way of thinking and stretch my imagination to the limit.
Congratulations, Take, on getting your first story to the top of the featured box! I really hope you get a few regular followers and intelligent comments out of all this, and I hope you learn all the right lessons as you continue to write.
But I also want your next story to become famous. I really do. And thaaaaaat's a challenge.
Haha dude you had me smiling through this whole thing because it's so true. This would be the perfect time for me to figure out the quote system here in the comments.
Yes! Though it was originally overshadowed by my feelings of pure joy at having my story so well received. After I calmed down and looked at it objectively, I was really puzzled. I read over my story multiple times and every time I found myself frowning because I kept comparing it to the other stories in the feature box and wondering how the crap it ended up in the same place as them. Then as I began writing my second piece, I had to pause a moment and think, "shit, this is not going to be anywhere near as popular as my first fic." Then I got a bit sad but I suppose that's a good mood for when you want to write a sad story.
And this is where I realized I cheated without even realizing it. It was half done on purpose and the rest attributed to my bad and inexperienced writing skills. When I read my story, I knew the writing was less fluid than I would have liked but I didn't feel like fixing them because, hey it's a comedy and I really doubted that many people would be reading my story. Derp, big mistake.
Yeah, wow I didn't even think of that before you pointed it out. I did notice that Fluttershy's role in my story was diminished but I couldn't think of anything other than a supporting role to Rarity for her.
Haha, another big yes! Honestly, this was just inspired by my desire to see how the mane six would react to all these Rainbow Dash ships I've seen. Thus, I wrote a couple over dramatic confessions scenes to represent the ships and took it from there. And of course one of these crazy ships had to be Rainbow Dash and the sink. I briefly thought that I was just stealing some fame and "standing on the shoulders of giants" as Newton would say ('cept I didn't really come up with anything revolutionary).
Ah yes. I needed a way to address the fact that the portal has been destroyed and torched along with the book and this popped into my head. I'm going to later read Anarchive Reigns since I'm really curious as to how he can make Fluttershy getting hit with a baseball bat hilarious and exactly how your context lesson works.
Ugh, and I wanted to take my time with my next story. And I will. Sure it's a waste of opportunity to miss all this hype but I really gained a lot of insight into my writing from some people, like you, who took the time to read my story and point out the stuff I need to improve on. I can't say my next story will be as entertaining as this first one, but I definitely want to write it in a way that demonstrates the growth of my skills as a beginner writer.
I'm always up for a challenge! I'm probably going to pretend my first story never happened and only take the lessons I learned with me. Easier said than done but I find the thought of having a super successful work that I can never again match hanging over my head extremely depressing.
So thanks for the review as you pulled my head out of the clouds a bit. And I hope to see you again in the future reviewing something of mine that gets some well deserved hype.
Cheers!
I actually didn't find it funny at all.
You know, I didn't like this story either, but... that was a good line.
Well, that makes my mind up. :B
3245110
Good on you for taking this criticism with grace. It's not always easy to have your work reviewed and picked apart.
3245110
I'm very glad you think so! Now I'm wondering if it was also useful.
I always do everything in my power to write to the best of my abilities, even if I know nobody will ever read it. I edit for myself, as well as my readers, because that's how I improve.
I go into more detail in the review I did, and there were similar elements: Anarchive Reigns included some non-funny cruelty, but also some cleverly done senseless violence that made me chuckle. Your mileage may vary... comedy can be hard to talk about.
Ouch... just ask Pen Stroke, who wrote Past Sins. It has it's fair share of problems, and yet it's one of the most famous stories in the fandom. I've heard he has trouble getting out from under it's shadow: many readers simply aren't interested in his other stories. Terrible shame.
3245241
Comedy is, as always, ephemeral and subjective... I know at least one of my chuckles from this story was inexplicable to me.
3245329
Definitely this. It's not always easy listening to feedback, especially when you've got a flood of people saying "well I liked it!" A mature attitude is a valuable resource.